Kansas City Breath Mints/History

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The Kansas City Breath Mints have been an active Internet League Blaseball team since Season AA, having previously competed in Ultra League Blaseball.

Full Timeline

Pre-History, Part I

Pre-History, Part II

The Discipline Era

  • In Season β1, the Breath Mints went 47-52, finishing 3rd in the Lawful Good Division and tied for 13th overall.
    • Blessings: The Breath Mints won the Max Out Pitcher blessing, maximizing the pitching stats of Polkadot Patterson. Patterson was then traded to the Baltimore Crabs as a result of the Crabs Steal Best Pitcher blessing, sending back Winnie Hess in exchange. A Mystery Improvement also blessed Hess, improving their pitching from 0 2.5 .
  • In Season β2, the Breath Mints went 41-58, finishing 4th in the Lawful Good Division and 18th overall.
    • Decree Effects: The Breath Mints were one of 4 teams affected by the Fourth Strike decree, granting them a fourth strike for the following season.
    • Blessings: The Breath Mints won the Wind Sprints blessing, improving baserunning by 15%. The Breath Mints also won the Literal Arm Cannon blessing, maximizing the pitching stats of Axel Trololol.
  • In Season β3, the Breath Mints went 49-50, finishing 3rd in the Lawful Good Division and tied for 10th overall.
  • In Season β5, the Breath Mints went 51-48, finishing 4th in the Lawful Good Division and tied for 8th overall, just missing the postseason due to Divine Favor.
    • Decree Effects: Leagues were reshuffled due to the High Filter decree. The Breath Mints were placed into the Mild High Division.
    • Blessings: The Breath Mints won the Keeping It Wavy blessing, improving minimum vibes by 15%.
  • In Season β6, the Breath Mints went 51-48, finishing 2nd in the Mild High Division and tied for 5th overall, earning their first postseason qualification. They lost 3-2 in the first round versus the Hades Tigers.
    • Weather: The Breath Mints rotation was shuffled in the reverb (Day 68).
    • Blessings: The Breath Mints won the Headliners blessing, arranging their lineup in order of Idolatry. The Breath Mints also won the Spin Attack blessing, improving speed by 15%.
  • In Season β9, the Breath Mints went 51-48, finishing 3rd in the Mild Low Division and tied for 9th overall.
    • Weather: The Breath Mints rotation was shuffled in the reverb (Day 31). Marquez Clark experienced an Allergic Reaction (Day 42). Mooney Doctor II (Day 86) and Lenny Spruce (Day 85) experienced Yummy reactions.
    • Decree Effects: All teams were effected by the Forecast decrees. Winnie Hess gained the Siphon modification, Mooney Doctor II received the Friend of Crows modification, and Rodriguez Internet gain the Fire Eater modification.
    • Blessings: The Breath Mints received a Fifth Base for the following season as a result of the Baltimore Crabs Fifth Base Bubble blessing, and received Targeted Shame for the following season as a result of the Boston Flowers Shame Bubble blessing.
    • Parties: Grey Alvarado (Day 94), PolkaDot Zavala (Day 95), Rodriguez Internet (Day 96), Winnie Hess (Day 96, 99), Marco Stink (Day 97), Mooney Doctor II (Day 99)

Peace and Prosperity

  • In Season β11, the Breath Mints went 45-56, finishing 4th in the Mild Low Division and 15th overall.

The Coffee Cup

The Expansion Era

  • In Season β14, the Breath Mints went 52-47 with a total 52 wins, finishing 3rd in the Mild Low Division and tied for 8th overall.
    • Weather: Grey Alvarado experienced an Allergic Reaction (Day 6), but was cured of their allergy just a few days later by the Crabitat's Peanut Mister. Joshua Watson (Days 23-42, 19 total), Grey Alvarado (Days 64-92, 28 total), Rodriguez Internet (Days 92-96, 4 total), and Helga Washington (Day 87-99+) were swept Elsewhere. Helga Washington did not return by the end of Season 14.
    • Midseason Events: Renovations were completed on Ballparks during the Latesiesta, granting The Meadow the Big Buckets and PsychoAcoustics renovations. As a result of the Meadows new PsychoAcoustics renovation, the Breath Mints received Wyatt Mason XIII during the Second Wyatt Masoning. Mason XIII was added to the Mints rotation, and pitched one full game (Day 78), before they Echoed into the Static alongside Shoe Thieves pitcher Wyatt Mason XII in the first inning of Day 84.
    • Wills: The Breath Mints received the Foreshadow will, sending Grey Alvarado to the Shadows in exchange for Kina Larsen, and the Infuse will, increasing the stats of Hewitt Best from 16.4 20.7 .
    • Parties: Hewitt Best (Day 96)
      • "Plot Relevance": During the Election, The Meadow gained the Crime Scene modification, as did The Choux.

Team History

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

The Discipline Era

Season 1

The Breath Mints routinely performed in the middle of the pack in seasons one through three, their true potential as a team not yet unleashed. Following the opening of the forbidden book, The Breath Mints bid farewell to newly maximized pitcher PolkaDot Patterson, receiving Winnie Hess in their stead. Winnie, a low performing pitcher from the Crabs, ended up finding renewed vigor in Kansas City, and quickly shaped up to be one of the team's strongest presences on the mound. Free from the stinky air of the Crabitat, Hess filled their lungs with fresh, fresh air and exhaled, for the first time in over 100 days, fresh breath. The minty aroma of Kansas City revealed Winnie's true potential, transforming them from a zero to a 2.5 star pitcher - the locker-room leader the Mints needed to face season two with renewed vigor.

The team also saw a change of scenery, as they moved from the Kansas City FreshDome to an Open Meadow on the Outskirts of Town, following resident sweetheart Boyfriend Monreal’s tumultuous breakup with the former stadium. Since this split, they have ended up reconnecting, and are now good friends.

Season 2

Following a second season where the Mints placed in the bottom four, fan-organized voting (anecdotally referred to as The Process) supported by a litany of statistical tools and psy-ops strategies begat outcomes that could hardly be better for the fresh players.

First, the Fourth Strike decree passed, granting an arcane rule-change to the hitters of the KCBMs that is sure to bring them straight into the postseason. Then, spirits from the Wind Realm (the Wind Sprints blessing) visited the training camp, and, pleased with what they saw, and always striving to make every plane they visit fresher, bestowed their elemental powers unto the Mints - making their baserunning increase by a whopping 15%.

And finally, Axel Trololol, the Mints' very own regular old guy who loves cars and beer - and who hides a dark prehensile secret - suddenly came one step closer to his dream of himself becoming a car, by having his pitching arm replaced with a Literal Arm Cannon. Pressed for comment, Axel said "Actually my name's Alex".

Season 3

The Breath Mints, despite an incredible start, were hit with three consecutive allergic reactions to stray peanuts during games, greatly reducing the performance of Grey Alvarado, Eduardo Ingram, and Rodriguez Internet. This night of terror sliced the building momentum that had been growing in Kansas City, and the Breath Mints finished the season with a disappointing record of 49-50, finishing once again in the bottom half of the league.

The postseason bore a mixed bag of fruit for the Breath Mints. They were awarded with two blessings, Summoning Circles, and the Rack, both of which more than made up for the nerfs to the batting lineup during the Peanut Plague. However, the team's star pitcher, and local hero, Axel Trololol, was traded to the Chicago Firefighters. The team was sad to see Axel go, but they knew he had better horizons ahead of him. In return, they received Eizabeth Guerra’s sister, and the second of the Guerra’s siblings, Atlas Guerra, who despite a subpar star rating, was a welcome addition to the team. They set off for season 4 seemingly back in the balance they had at the start of the season, eager to prove their worth this time around.

Season 4

The Breath Mints started season four with promising vigor, the morale of the team greatly championed by team captain Whit Steakknife, and resident sweetheart Boyfriend Monreal. The loss of Axel Trololol, who had been a Breath Mint since season one, was difficult, but the teams and fans found solace in the fact that he had grown beyond them, and found a place in Chicago where he could truly be himself.

The Breath Mints had an impressive winning streak in the first third of the season, with star favorites Oscar Vaughan and Eduardo Ingram leading the charge. This momentum was cut short though, when on a tragic day, Whit Steakknife was incinerated by a rogue umpire. The players on the field reported this death as “the Breath Mints’ darkest day”, however the shadow it cast over the team was soon drowned out by the rallying cry of grief: “We Hit For Whit”. Whit’s replacement, Stew Briggs, was quickly appointed as the new team captain, and became a fan favorite after several powerful bouts at bat. This moment is when the Breath Mints became Unleashed. The team carried this energy through more games and more series, taking some significant upsets against powerhouse teams such as the Millennials and the Firefighters.

However, it was not long until they were struck by another tragedy. Star batter Eduardo Ingram, who was the recipient of buffing at the hand of last season's summoning circles, was soon incinerated as well. This loss was especially tragic as Eduardo was a player often looked over, despite their incredible batting record, which at the time of his death was the best in the league. Eduardo left behind their wife, Leach Ingram, whose pitching notably worsened as she battled with grief. Eddie’s replacement, Lenny Spruce, provided some relief from this pain, but there are some holes not even a joke slinging sentient tree can fill. This marked the second third of the Breath Mints season, a leg of series in which the Breath Mints fell into a massive losing slump. Most notably, they were swept by the Tacos, arguably one of the worst performing teams in the league at the time.

Though fans had hopes that the Breath Mints would rally in the final third of the season, the team was unable to eke out their rivals, the Charleston Shoe Thieves, despite their best efforts. In their last 30 games, they won only 9 of them, a losing streak that solidified their place as fourth in the Lawful Good Division. The season finished with them in a middling 13th place, and with a win loss record of 48-51, disqualifying them for the postseason. This stretch of the season was not without its upsides, moments such as Eizabeth Guerra stealing all four bases in one inning serving as important rallying points for the team. These moments were, however, not enough to curb the tides of fate, and soon the season was over.

Season 5: The Horse Era

Lead by large beautiful horse and star pitcher Winnie Hess, the Mints ended Season β5 at 51-48, barely missing the playoffs, being tied at 4th in the Good League with the Dallas Steaks. As the Steaks were ahead of the Mints in Divine Favor, the Mints were left behind in Party Time as the Steaks advanced to playoffs. Nonetheless, the Mints ended the season with more than 50 wins for the first time.

The season had a lot of good games for the Mints, including a sweep of the New York Millennials, winning three games in a row on Day 46, 47, and 48, and a 8-0 game against the Chicago Firefighters on Day 93, scoring a whopping seven runs in the span of two minutes on the top of the 8th inning.

Season 6: The First Death Era

Enraged by the Divine slight that kept them from the playoffs in the previous season, the team adopted the moniker The Death Mints for the first time. The momentum of their anger led the team to it's first post-season appearance, where they put up a respectable performance against the ferocious Hades Tigers, though ultimately losing the round 3-2.

During season 6 some fans began demanding a reorder of the Breath Mints batting lineup. They felt that Boyfriend Monreal needed even more opportunities to go on extensive walks and that Rodriguez Internet needed to be discouraged from his excessive base stealing attempts. General manager and team owner Max Betmint was initially skeptical. He quickly changed his mind though, when it was pointed out to him, that the invisible hand of the fandom would surely produce the best batting lineup, much as the invisible hand of the free market distributed goods and services in an optimal way. Hewitt Best wanted to protest against this argument on principal but was convinced to abstain from voicing their concerns out of solidarity with Boyfriend Monreal. The change in lineup order was approved at the end of season 6, with the blessing Headliners.