Jessica Telephone

From Blaseball Wiki

Jessica Telephone is a lineup player for the Tokyo Lift and has been with the team since the Season 16 elections. Telephone has previously played for the Dallas Steaks, Philly Pies, Hades Tigers, THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS, Kansas City Breath Mints, and Mexico City Wild Wings. Telephone is most known for being a star batter in the Internet League Blaseball, for being on a new team for each of the first four seasons of the League, and for being Shelled twice.

Official League Records

Telephone started on the Dallas Steaks in Season 1. At the end of the season, Telephone was blessed by the "Max Out Batter" event, which gave her a five star rating. Immediately after being maxed out, Telephone was stolen by the Philly Pies during the Steal Best Hitter blessing, where she played for the duration of Season 2. Telephone was swapped with August Mina during this blessing.

In Season 2, the Philly Pies took their second championship victory with Jessica Telephone's maxed out stats. During the Season 2 election, the Hades Tigers won the Seduction blessing, which brought Telephone to the Tigers, sending Nolanestophia Patterson back to the Pies.

In Season 3, Telephone helped bring the Tigers their first championship victory alongside Landry Violence.

On Season 4, Day 13, Telephone had a yummy reaction to a peanut which raised her batting star rating by star and her other star ratings by 1 star.

On Season 4, Day 43, Telephone was caught in Feedback and swapped teams with Spears Taylor, moving from The Hades Tigers back to The Philly Pies.

During the Season 5 election, Telephone's pitching fell from ★★ to ★★, and baserunning fell from ★★★★ to ★★★ as a part of the Charleston Shoe Thieves' Bad Neighbors blessing.

Following the end of the regular games in Season 6, Telephone and Nagomi Mcdaniel received the  Shelled stamp.png modification, which encased them in giant peanut shells. They cannot play in this state, effectively skipping them in the rotation. This was a result of the The Third Strike.

On Day 63 of Season 7, while playing a game in Lots of Birds weather, Telephone was pecked free of the shell. Upon release, they had shed their  Shelled stamp.png modification modification and instead gained Superallergic. The effect this has on Telephone is currently unknown.

At the end of the Season 8 regular season, Telephone was in the third position on the idol leaderboard, and as such, became  Shelled stamp.png for the second time. It does not appear that getting  Shelled stamp.png a second time interacted with their preexisting Superallergic modification.

On Season 9, Day X, Telephone was conscripted to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS as a lineup player. Following the dispersal of the PODS during the Season 10 elections, Telephone joined the Kansas City Breath Mints.

During the Coffee Cup, Telephone played for Macchiato City as a lineup player.

Telephone was traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings in exchange for Joshua Watson during the Season 12 elections via the Wild Wings' Plunder will..

Telephone was traded to the Kansas City Breath Mints in exchange for Eizabeth Guerra during the Season 13 elections via the Breath Mints' Exchange will.

Telephone was traded to the Philly Pies in exchange for Jode Preston during the Season 14 elections as a result of the Pies' Plunder will.

Telephone was traded to the Hades Tigers in exchange for Usurper Violet during the Season 15 elections as a result of the Tigers' Plunder will.

Telephone was traded to the Tokyo Lift in exchange for Ayanna Dumpington during the Season 16 elections as a result of the Lift's Plunder will.


COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Player History

Jessica Telephone sprang fully formed from a payphone a few years ago, seconds before her brother Sebastian Telephone. Jessica's emergence from the payphone is no accident. She exists as synchronous quantum waveform in the 80s decade of every century of human history - and possibly beyond. Each at-bat for Jessica Telephone, she emerges from her phone booth as a particular century's incarnation of the Eternal Jessica. This time it may be the classic 1980s Jessica, carefully teased and feathered hair tucked under her helmet. In another inning, the plate is graced with 980s Jessica, fresh from the viking raids on the hapless Anglo-Saxons. Her next appearance may come in a spray of lasers and 4-D holograms as 2380s Jessica takes her turn at bat.

Jessica remembers every moment of the countless 80s decades that she's lived through. Her past is constantly in flux, however. While primary aspects of her identity remain constant, everything she lived through is subject to change as she grows as a person. What she remembers shifts — except in the unique pocket of time that blaseball sits, where she often finds herself remembering multiple versions of events. The unique temporal effects of blaseball have resulted in Telephone being rendered unable to see her future, a unique circumstance for her that she reportedly finds liberating.

Visiting fans and flans have asked for her number in the past. None have been successful, but there is still hope. That phantom buzz in your pocket when you don't have your phone on you? That's a missed call from Jessica Telephone and you're lucky you didn't answer.

The concept of gender does not, never has, and never will have much meaning at all to Jessica. However, she identifies as a transgender woman.

First Stint with the Pies

As Telephone grew to fame as statistically the greatest player in blaseball in season 2, her popularity skyrocketed. Many fans were particularly enthralled with her love life. Throughout the various 80s, she had been married to any number of women, often at the same time. A cult following developed around this aspect of her life, and many of the Telephones that emerged from the payphone to bat were happy to indulge questions and bask in the love of fans. Others quickly and quietly retreated to the phone booth after batting.

From conversations with the talkative Telephones, it has emerged that Telephone has had a number of long term relationships with women and several marriages, but she maintains a degree of privacy about her romantic life and the identity of these women is currently unknown. This has not stopped rumors from springing up; countless individuals are said to have been past, present, or future paramours of Jessica Telephone, including Sappho of Lesbos, Aphra Behn, and that cute girl with the undercut who works at Best Buy.

Career as a Tiger

Telephone's arrival to Hades began with a communication error, when general manager Fearful Symmetry demanded a phone for her office, and pitching coach Kick Rocks instead called upon an ancient pact to summon Jessica Telephone. According to legend, at that moment a blood-drenched payphone appeared before 480 BCE Spartan Jessica. saying "YOU ARE RECEIVING A COLLECT CALL FROM [a chorus of shrieking souls, thousands of angry teeth gnashing in unison, the cosmic blood of a broken moon.] DO YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?" She smiled slyly, revealing a mouth of razor-sharp teeth, before stepping into the phone booth and vanishing with a thunderous crack.

While in Hades, Jessica picked up the nickname "Jessica Persephone". Due to peculiarities of the Hadean local dialect, the nickname is pronounced [ˈpɚsəfoʊn], as an overcorrection for pronouncing her surname as [təˈlɛfəniː]. It's been noticed that the tangible forms of Eternal Jessica seem to be skewing somewhat older in history while she resides in Hades; ancient Greece and Rome have been especially common.

Several fans who were in the audience of game 2 of the Season 3 championship claim that moments after the incineration of Landry Violence, Jessica answered a call on the Dial Tone.[1]

Jessica Phones Home - Return to the Pies

by @Nicole_alt_del

During a Season 4 match against the Tigers, Phillies shortstop Spears Taylor called Jessica to ask if she wanted to carpool to the local BLM rally after the game. The phone call inadvertently triggered Feedback, causing Jessica to emerge from Spears’s cellphone and take over their position on the Pies team.

Both the Tigers and Pies were sad to see their teammates go, but wished them well in their future careers. The Pies for their part held a “Jessica Phones Home” parade in center city; featuring all the Philly players on floats, flaky crust confetti, and the Philadelphia Philling leading the Drexel University marching band in a jazz rendition of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Jessica called the city’s response to her return “very sweet” and “honestly a little much.”

Overnight, Philadelphia’s population grew 1.8% due to all of Jessica’s wives, girlfriends, and fans moving into the city.

The Shelling

After the Season 6 regular season, one incarnation of Telephone was condemned to the inside of a peanut shell, where she remained for several months. This impressionable young Telephone was unaccustomed to staying on the blaseball field for long, typically batting and returning to the phone. While in the shell, her boredom overtook her and she passed the time by practicing rapping Eminem's song "Rap God," the only song that the groundskeeper played every night. Upon emerging from the shell after being pecked out by birds, she put on an impromptu performance for her teammates and all of the Blaseball news media, sending them into a frenzy.

Telephone tried to return to her phone, but she was shocked to find that her connection had been severed. She tried to live up to the "cool" image that many seemed to have of her, but her Internet research for "cool" instead led to images of skateboarding and vaping. She dedicated herself to these things in an attempt to be seen as effortlessly cool, though many of her former fans were turned off by her new image.

Jessica was a little relieved when she found herself in a shell at the end of season 8, both tired from the effort of trying to seem cool and hoping that this new shelling would restore her connection to the telephone.

Interdimensional Rumor Mill

The IRM randomly chooses one backstory of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. To read all about the Interdimensional Rumor Mill, visit Interdimensional Rumor Mill. If you would like to edit this entry, click IF-326.26, or if you would like to see a list of all Rumors, visit the Rumor Registry.

Pie High Jessica Telephone

Rumors abound about a particular instance of Jessica Telephone, a young woman frequently seen while part of the Pies and allegedly the version of Telephone that was shelled twice. Because of these rumors, she is often referred to as “Dirtbag JT” by fans. The most infamous rumor about this Telephone is her signature drink “SKATE JUICE.” Made by mixing 2 No-Doz, a can of Jolt, and grape Kool-Aid, Dirtbag JT allegedly insisted that the name must be yelled in order to properly be SKATE JUICE. An attempt to categorize the other rumors about Dirtbag JT is presented below.

Skating Prowess

Telephone is reportedly a skilled skater, according to herself. She claimed to be able to do a 900 (where a person spins 900° while in the air on a skateboard), and supposedly had made plans to build a quarterpipe in her backyard before they were shut down by her mother, a woman who was never observed. Some fans reported that Telephone had a skateboard signed by the famous television stars Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O, while others professed her love of the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video game.

Crime

This instance of Telephone was notable for her disregard for the law. Her arrest record included keying the car of Philly legend Bam Margera, allegedly upon his refusal to teach her to do a kickflip. A pastor also contacted law enforcement after Telephone swapped the pre-recorded church music for a Jerky Boys tape. Outside of her official record, a local Blockbuster clerk claimed that he saw Telephone stealing a copy of the movie Mallrats “deliberately,” though she was never charged. On another occasion, a former friend of Telephone reported that Telephone stole her hoverboard and replaced it with a sticky note that said, “sry--feel suuuuper bad but hey, hoverboard!!!”

Drugs & Alcohol


CONTENT WARNING

This article contains content relating to: recreational substance use

Dirtbag JT was frequently associated with tales of drug use and other altered mind states. She reportedly used katanas to shotgun beers, failed out of bartender school, quit a job at a vape shop after discovering she wasn’t allowed to use her e-cigarette while working, and stayed up for 3 nights in a row in an attempt to hallucinate. That said, her ability to identify actual drugs was reportedly suspect; according to local Philadelphia folklore, she mistook oregano for high grade marijuana. In interviews, Telephone often mentioned that she used to be “straight-edge” (i.e. against any sort of drug use), though close associates clarified that she was only straight-edge for a week.

Media & Media-Adjacent

Dirtbag JT spent much of her time playing video games and engaging with, as she termed it, “gamer culture,” though this amounted entirely to thumbing through EGM in the grocery store. She frequently bragged about her favorite “gamer moments,” which included allegedly crashing the economy on the Gaia Online forums, getting banned from Neopets for trying to convince the Neopets to unionize, and “[her] uncle at Nintendo [telling her] that Naruto is going to be in Smash.” Teammates noted that every time Jessica Telephone went up to bat, she would whisper "believe it" to herself.

Telephone’s interests also extended to television. She personally went to Cartoon Network's offices and asked them to bring Toonami back, and, according to close friends, knew more about Bionicle lore than any other person in history. When asked about her Bionicle knowledge in interviews, Telephone replied, "I like the blue one." She claimed to have been in an episode of Jackass, “but they cut [her] part before it aired.” Numerous sources say she claimed to have a tape of it and offered to let them see it if they performed various tasks for her, but the tape was never seen.

Despite her seemingly large consumption of media, friends said she remains surprisingly reticent when it comes to discussing them, either out of ignorance or a sense of humor. For example, she regularly referred to Joaquin Phoenix as “Joker Phoenix.” Similarly, teammates claimed that she loved to argue about who would win in a fight, Goku or Superman, but consistently said the answer is Hatsune Miku.

In addition to consuming media, Telephone also produced her own videos. She made at least 23 films with characters named "Johnny Red" and "Johnny Dirt," all of which at some point featured "ska dances." She has publicly complained about how she hates TikTok, but her friends reported receiving links to her personal webspace, where she had uploaded videos of herself doing “dumb stuff” with a camera.

Music

Telephone claimed to be an early inspiration for the “ringtone rap” era of hip-hop music, based on her allegedly messaging Soulja Boy regularly on a Sidekick phone. She also claimed to have convinced Linkin Park to spell their name as they spelled it, and frequently told a tale (widely believed to be apocryphal) of meeting Eminem once. Her music collection included Limp Bizkit CDs from her uncle, Jimmy Eat World songs, an unidentified Marshall Mathers LP, and multiple mislabeled Eminem MP3s on a first-generation iPod Classic. Notably absent from her collection was music by the Misfits, as she repeatedly wore their merchandise and expressed negative opinions about the band after the departure of Glenn Danzig. In an interview, Telephone once said (unprompted) that she “thinks it’s cool [that] Dido sampled [the Eminem song] Stan and made a whole new song and it’s pretty good.” Some fans also claimed to have heard Telephone sing No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” while in the dugout, an experience described as “hauntingly beautiful.”

Entertainment Skills

Fans often reported on Telephone’s popularity at parties. Though technically a certified clown, the only skill she regularly made use of was juggling. She later expanded her skillset to include contact juggling, but as there is no authority to certify contact jugglers, she allegedly designed and printed a certificate for herself. Witnesses of the certificate did not attest to her graphic design skills. On a smaller scale, fans reported that she was capable of folding a dollar bill to make the face of George Washington look like a dog, regularly performed backflips, and performed a variety of tricks using a BIC lighter. Some fans also reported that she practiced an unidentified “knife-between-the-fingers thing,” but was unskilled and frequently yelled for quiet in an attempt to focus.

Miscellaneous

Dirtbag JT’s food tastes were as eclectic as the rest of her personality. Her friends reported they had seen a case of pre-revival Jolt that she had stashed away. When asked about it in interviews, she responded, "it's probably worth a lot of money now but I'm not gonna sell it." Telephone frequently boasted that she is “both the reason they discontinued Crystal Pepsi, and the reason they brought it back,” and numerous acquaintances confirmed that she would end many conversations by walking off while saying, “Oh my God, I could really go for some Outback right now. I would kill a Bloomin' Onion.”

Despite an unconfirmed employment record and no seeming need for additional income, Telephone claimed to have worked for Banana Republic for a summer. She frequently mentioned this to excuse rolling her eyes, sighing heavily, and moaning, "I don’t want to talk about it." She also claimed to previously work the closing shift at a Denny's, where she would play Weezer's "Pink Triangle" on the kitchen speakers at least once a night.

Telephone more recently discovered YouTube, where her channel has become widely known for her weekly creation challenges (called “The JT Challenge,” despite there being multiple). Multiple of her friends advised against the channel’s creation, and insisted that this fact be included in interviews. Telephone’s hallmark sign-off for the channel was to stare directly into the camera and declare with a neutral expression, “I’m not afraid to die.” This phrase became popular within her channel’s fandom.

Gallery


Music

Jessica Telephone Walk Up Music (Season 2)