Jessica Telephone

From Blaseball Wiki

Jessica Telephone is a pitcher for the Dallas Steaks and has been with the team since the Season 22 elections. Telephone has previously played for the Philly Pies, Hades Tigers, THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS, Kansas City Breath Mints, Mexico City Wild Wings, Tokyo Lift, Baltimore Crabs, Charleston Shoe Thieves, and for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial.

Official League Records

Telephone joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Dallas Steaks with the Return of Blaseball. At the end of the season Telephone was given a 5 star rating from the "Max Out Batter" blessing. Telephone was then traded to the Philly Pies in exchange for August Mina as a result of the Steal Best Hitter blessing.

In Season 2 Telephone was traded to the Hades Tigers in exchange for Nolanestophia Patterson during the Season 2 elections as a result of the Seduction blessing.

On Season 4, Day 13, Telephone had a yummy reaction which raised their batting by and their other stars by .

On Season 4, Day 43, Telephone was exchanged to the Philly Pies due to Feedback. Telephone was replaced with Spears Taylor.

During the Season 5 elections, Telephone's pitching and baserunning fell by as a part of the Charleston Shoe Thieves' Bad Neighbors blessing.

Following the end of the regular games in Season 6 Telephone and Nagomi Mcdaniel received the  SHELLED modification as a result of the The Third Strike.

On Season 7, Day 63, while playing a game in Lots of Birds weather, Telephone was pecked free of their shell. Upon release they had lost their Shelled modification and gained Superallergic.

At the end of the Season 8 regular season, Telephone was in the third position on the idol leaderboard, and as such, became  SHELLED for the second time.

On Season 9, Day X, Telephone was conscripted to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS as a lineup player. Following the dispersal of the PODS during the Season 10 elections, Telephone joined the Kansas City Breath Mints.

During the Coffee Cup, Telephone played for Macchiato City as a lineup player.

Telephone was traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings in exchange for Joshua Watson during the Season 12 elections via the Wild Wings' Plunder will.

Telephone was traded to the Kansas City Breath Mints in exchange for Eizabeth Guerra during the Season 13 elections via the Breath Mints' Exchange will.

Telephone was traded to the Philly Pies in exchange for Jode Preston during the Season 14 elections as a result of the Pies' Plunder will.

Telephone was traded to the Hades Tigers in exchange for Usurper Violet during the Season 15 elections as a result of the Tigers' Plunder will.

Telephone was traded to the Tokyo Lift in exchange for Ayanna Dumpington during the Season 16 elections as a result of the Lift's Plunder will.

On Season 17, Day 75, Telephone tasted the Infinite and  SHELLED Sunbeams player Joe Voorhees.

Telephone's alternate was called and arrived with the Negative modification during the Season 18 elections as a result of the Lift's Alternate Trust will.

Telephone was traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for Kline Greenlemon during the Season 19 elections via the Steaks' Equivalent Exchange will.

On Season 20, Day 24, Telephone tasted the Infinite and  SHELLED Mechanics player Kelvin Drumsolo.

Telephone was traded to the Baltimore Crabs in exchange for Conner Haley during the Season 21 elections via the Steaks' Equivalent Exchange will.

Telephone was traded to the Charleston Shoe Thieves in exchange for Herring Winfield during the Season 22 elections via the Shoe Thieves' Equivalent Exchange will. Telephone was then immediately traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for Conner Haley via the Steaks' Equivalent Exchange will.

During the ILB Semi-Centennial, Telephone played for the Rising Stars. Telephone then returned to the Dallas Steaks as a pitcher.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Before Blaseball

Jessica Telephone sprang fully formed from a payphone a few years ago, seconds before her brother Sebastian Telephone. Jessica's emergence from the payphone is no accident. She exists as synchronous quantum waveform in the 80s decade of every century of human history - and possibly beyond. Each at-bat for Jessica Telephone, she emerges from her phone booth as a particular century's incarnation of the Eternal Jessica. This time it may be the classic 1980s Telephone, carefully teased and feathered hair tucked under her helmet. In another inning, the plate is graced with 980s Telephone, fresh from the viking raids on the hapless Anglo-Saxons. Her next appearance may come in a spray of lasers and 4-D holograms as 2380s Telephone takes her turn at bat.

Shared Traits

Telephone remembers every moment of the countless 80s decades that she's lived through. Her past is constantly in flux, however. While primary aspects of her identity remain constant, everything she lived through is subject to change as she grows as a person. What she remembers shifts — except in the unique pocket of time that blaseball sits, where she often finds herself remembering multiple versions of events. The unique temporal effects of blaseball have resulted in Telephone being rendered unable to see her future, a unique circumstance for her that she reportedly finds liberating.

Visiting fans and flans have asked for her number in the past. None have been successful, but there is still hope. That phantom buzz in your pocket when you don't have your phone on you? That's a missed call from Jessica Telephone and you're lucky you didn't answer.

The concept of gender does not, never has, and never will have much meaning at all to Telephone. However, she identifies as a transgender woman.

Known Forms of the Eternal Jessica

While there are an infinite number of Jessica Telephones here is just one that has stepped out of her famous phone booth This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-3280.0 out of its Rumor Registry...

J’essica Telemetry, Bug Wrangler

J’essica Telemetry is a grizzled and scarred instance of Jessica Telephone hailing from the year 3280, having travelled to our current time to hunt what she repeatedly refers to as “The Supersentient Insect, York Silk”.

Her demeanor has been described as often surly, and frequently gruff, and she is noted for carrying at least four weapons at all times (bladed, plasma, or otherwise). Extensive cybernetics are integrated with her body, and she is commonly seen scanning, entering and collecting data related to her target in a way previously described as “suspicious and concerning”. Despite this, J’essica has participated in the splort of Blaseball at least once, though her reasons for doing so are unclear.

The Supersentient Insect, York Silk

Despite her unfriendly nature, J’essica is seemingly very open about her target in our world, “The Supersentient Insect, York Silk”. Described as a “just absolutely massive bug”, Silk is described as having a “hypermalevolant criminal record” and a “fully subspaced intellect, I’m talking like whole galaxies here”. Despite such noteworthy characteristics, Silk is purportedly incredibly hard to track down; J’essica suggested Silk may be “doing some body double stuff, I dunno, just absolutely wicked tricky stuff” and that she would “have to get sneaky" herself to find them. J’essica’s history with the Supersentient Insect, York Silk, appears to be somewhat of a sore subject for her: when asked about it she simply pulled out a cigar, took a bite from it, and said “Damn, sure is” whilst looking into the distance.


Blaseball Career

Starting with the Steaks

Jessica Telephone started from humble beginnings with the Dallas Steaks in Season 1 alongside her twin Sebastian Telephone. The two of them managed to take the team to the postseason where they were knocked out by the Chicago Firefighters, but the team was just happy to celebrate making it that far. In the very first election since the return, Jessica Telephone was empowered with the Dial Tone - making her the best batter in the league. This quickie took her from her humble beginnings and thrust her to the center of the league as she was traded for August Mina and found herself joining the winners of the first season of the ILB - the Philly Pies.

First Stint with the Pies

As Telephone grew to fame as statistically the greatest player in blaseball in season 2, her popularity skyrocketed. Many fans were particularly enthralled with her love life. Throughout the various 80s, she had been married to any number of women, often at the same time. A cult following developed around this aspect of her life, and many of the Telephones that emerged from the payphone to bat were happy to indulge questions and bask in the love of fans. Others quickly and quietly retreated to the phone booth after batting.

From conversations with the talkative Telephones, it has emerged that Telephone has had a number of long term relationships with women and several marriages, but she maintains a degree of privacy about her romantic life and the identity of these women is currently unknown. This has not stopped rumors from springing up; countless individuals are said to have been past, present, or future paramours of Jessica Telephone, including Sappho of Lesbos, Aphra Behn, and that cute girl with the undercut who works at Best Buy.

Career as a Tiger

Telephone's arrival to Hades began with a communication error, when general manager Fearful Symmetry demanded a phone for her office, and pitching coach Kick Rocks instead called upon an ancient pact to summon Jessica Telephone. According to legend, at that moment a blood-drenched payphone appeared before 480 BCE Spartan Jessica. saying "YOU ARE RECEIVING A COLLECT CALL FROM [a chorus of shrieking souls, thousands of angry teeth gnashing in unison, the cosmic blood of a broken moon.] DO YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?" She smiled slyly, revealing a mouth of razor-sharp teeth, before stepping into the phone booth and vanishing with a thunderous crack.

While in Hades, Jessica picked up the nickname "Jessica Persephone". Due to peculiarities of the Hadean local dialect, the nickname is pronounced [ˈpɚsəfoʊn], as an overcorrection for pronouncing her surname as [təˈlɛfəniː]. It's been noticed that the tangible forms of Eternal Jessica seem to be skewing somewhat older in history while she resides in Hades; ancient Greece and Rome have been especially common.

Several fans who were in the audience of game 2 of the Season 3 championship claim that moments after the incineration of Landry Violence, Telephone answered a call on the Dial Tone.[1]

Jessica Phones Home - Return to the Pies

by @Nicole_alt_del

During a Season 4 match against the Tigers, Phillies shortstop Spears Taylor called Telephone to ask if she wanted to carpool to the local BLM rally after the game. The phone call inadvertently triggered Feedback, causing Jessica to emerge from Spears’s cellphone and take over their position on the Pies team.

Both the Tigers and Pies were sad to see their teammates go, but wished them well in their future careers. The Pies for their part held a “Jessica Phones Home” parade in center city; featuring all the Philly players on floats, flaky crust confetti, and the Philadelphia Philling leading the Drexel University marching band in a jazz rendition of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Telephone called the city’s response to her return “very sweet” and “honestly a little much.”

Overnight, Philadelphia’s population grew 1.8% due to all of Telephone’s wives, girlfriends, and fans moving into the city.

The Shelling

After the Season 6 regular season, one incarnation of Telephone was condemned to the inside of a peanut shell, where she remained for several months. This impressionable young Telephone was unaccustomed to staying on the blaseball field for long, typically batting and returning to the phone. While in the shell, her boredom overtook her and she passed the time by practicing rapping Eminem's song "Rap God," the only song that the groundskeeper played every night. Upon emerging from the shell after being pecked out by birds, she put on an impromptu performance for her teammates and all of the Blaseball news media, sending them into a frenzy.

Telephone tried to return to her phone, but she was shocked to find that her connection had been severed. She tried to live up to the "cool" image that many seemed to have of her, but her Internet research for "cool" instead led to images of skateboarding and vaping. She dedicated herself to these things in an attempt to be seen as effortlessly cool, though many of her former fans were turned off by her new image.

Telephone was a little relieved when she found herself in a shell at the end of season 8, both tired from the effort of trying to seem cool and hoping that this new shelling would restore her connection to the telephone.

RING RING.png

The Shelled Ones Pods and The Return

Telephone emerged in season 9 as a part of the SHELLED ONES PODS and defeated both the Charleston Shoe Thieves and the Baltimore Crabs before being brought down by the Hall Stars on Season 10 Day X.

The Breath Mints

After the events of Day X Telephone was returned to the ILB and landed with the Kansas City Breath Mints. Not much is known about her time on the Mints or which Telephone emerged from that booth to join the Mints. The only record of her time there was the letter she received from the Kansas Judicial Branch informing her that she had failed the bar exam.

The Mexico City Wild Wings

In season 12 Telephone was traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings and found a familiar face in Burke Gonzales from her time co-captaining in Macchiato City. Gonzales however was preoccupied with both the recent incineration of Case Sports as well as the trading of Joshua Watson to the Kansas City Breath Mints. Nevertheless the spotlight followed Telephone to Mexico City, though this particular Telephone had moved on from her glory days and was happy to use the threat of the Wild Wings Legal department to keep press at bay. Telephone instead chose to focus on the fundamentals, and acted as the Wing’s hitting coach. Roscoe Sundae was quoted saying it was “nice that they were letting their newest rookie be involved in the team”. While it’s difficult to say if the Wing’s offence improved during her stint at least one of the Cell Barajas does credit Telephone with the suggestion that she should start pitching instead of batting which was of great help to the Wing’s defence.

No one has been able to confirm if Telephone ever partook in Rafael Davids' infamous pitching juice, and Telephone denies any claims that she had ever “picked it up by accident and downed the glass before she realized what it was”.

The Breath Mints (Redux)

In season 13 Telephone once again found herself in Kansas City, and the reports of her activities dried up immediately. This time however, reporters were able to uncover a letter from the Kansas Judicial Branch saying that, despite her time with the Wild Wings Legal Team, when Jessica Telephone had retaken the bar exam she had somehow managed an even lower score than her original season 11 outcome.

The Philly Pies

In a return to form, Telephone spent season 14 with the Philly Pies.

The Hades Tigers

In an even more consistent return to form, in Season 15 Telephone was traded to the Hades Tigers.

The Tokyo Lift

After the heat of the Tigers, Telephone was moved out of the spotlight again in season 16, when she was traded to the Tokyo Lift. Starting to wind down, she took the opportunity to get involved with running the Lift’s beefwing stand and took advantage of her extended stay to slow down and appreciate a team that wasn’t around for her rise to fame in the discipline era.

A Visitor

During the season 18 election Telephone encountered a non-entity in the mysterious Elsewhere that offered her a deal. It offered to trade her face, position and fame to it, and in exchange she could walk away from the game forever. It is unknown how long she considered this deal, or what else might have been offered, but when Telephone finally emerged from her phone booth she was fundamentally different. Many people speculated what this meant for the Eternal Jessica; Was any Jessica from this point on a duplicate? Had there always been a duplicate in their midst? Was there any way to tell this Jessica apart from the original ones?

The being known as Jessica Telephone declined to answer, leaving fans to speculate just what this might mean for Telephone’s past, present, and future.

The Dallas Steaks

Returning to the Steaks after 20 long seasons, Telephone stepped out of her booth as a new woman. Quite literally in this case. When Jessica “Jessii” Telephone emerged in Dallas she was surprised to hear that she had been traded. From what she could remember she had never even left the Steaks in the first place. It seemed that somehow in the deal brokered in Tokyo, the Eternal Jessica no longer simply pulled herself from across time but from across dimensions as well.

This Telephone had never left the Steaks, received the Dial tone, or caught the league's attention. What was left was simply Jessica Telephone batting for the Dallas Steaks.

The Baltimore Crabs

Upon settling in for her stay in Baltimore after the Season 21 Election, Telephone made a point of seeking out the newly debted Silvaire Roadhouse. The two shared some time together where Telephone spoke frankly to Roadhouse regarding her own actions tasting the infinite, and offered advice and insight that Roadhouse accepted politely but cynically. While her words may not have had the intended effect, she did hope that Roadhouse would remember her words when her situation escalated. Next on her list was to track down a thorn in her Eternal side, Parker Parra. Being a 5th dimensional entity, Telephone had a habit of encountering Parra in all sorts of times, situations, and scenarios. Now that they were on the same team Telephone took the opportunity to set up ground rules with Parra so they no longer had to be forcibly removed from Telephone’s booth. Parra for their part seemed just as confused as Telephone on how they ended up there, but did promise to try not to do it too often.

Finally after several days of avoiding her after practice, Telephone was able to catch a hold of Lorcan Smaht, who she had discovered was, alongside Trinity Smaht, the child of one of her latest partners. Lorcan seemed to be extremely embarrassed by the situation, while Trinity engaged in several video calls from Miami to express aer excitement at this development. Telephone for her part endeavored to keep their relationship professional, mostly for the sake of Lorcan’s pride. Telephone did admit she engaged in at least one “shovel talk”, but would not give up the name of which Smaht’s potential suitor was the recipient.

Finally after the somewhat extensive introductions were out of the way, Telephone was approached by team captain Kennedy Loser who offered her dinner and conversation, which she was happy to accept. The two found a mutual admiration for one another in Telephone’s resilience and exploits, and Loser’s position as an anchor of the team - staying strong with the ones he started with. When Telephone left the Crabs it was with a reminder of what could have been, and an appreciation for just how far her life had taken her.

Fan Works

Written Work and Interactive Fiction

Music

  • Jessica Telephone Walk Up Music (Season 2):

       

Art