Jessica Telephone is a player for the Boston Flowers, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Telephone has played for the Philly Pies, Hades Tigers, THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS, Kansas City Breath Mints, Mexico City Wild Wings, Tokyo Lift, Baltimore Crabs, Charleston Shoe Thieves, Dallas Steaks, and for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial.
Official League Records
Telephone joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Dallas Steaks with the Return of Blaseball. At the end of the season Telephone was given a 5 star rating from the "Max Out Batter" blessing. Telephone was then traded to the Philly Pies in exchange for August Mina as a result of the Steal Best Hitter blessing.
On Season β9, Day X, Telephone was conscripted to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS as a lineup player. Following the dispersal of the PODS during the Season β10 elections, Telephone joined the Kansas City Breath Mints.
Telephone was traded to the Charleston Shoe Thieves in exchange for Herring Winfield during the Season β22 elections via the Shoe Thieves' Equivalent Exchange will. Telephone was then immediately traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for Conner Haley via the Steaks' Equivalent Exchange will.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Jessica Telephone sprang fully formed from a payphone a few years ago, seconds before her brother Sebastian Telephone. Jessica's emergence from the payphone is no accident. She exists as synchronous quantum waveform in the 80s decade of every century of human history - and possibly beyond. Each at-bat for Jessica Telephone, she emerges from her phone booth as a particular century's incarnation of the Eternal Jessica. This time it may be the classic 1980s Telephone, carefully teased and feathered hair tucked under her helmet. In another inning, the plate is graced with 980s Telephone, fresh from the viking raids on the hapless Anglo-Saxons. Her next appearance may come in a spray of lasers and 4-D holograms as 2380s Telephone takes her turn at bat.
Telephone remembers every moment of the countless 80s decades that she's lived through. Her past is constantly in flux, however. While primary aspects of her identity remain constant, everything she lived through is subject to change as she grows as a person. What she remembers shifts — except in the unique pocket of time that blaseball sits, where she often finds herself remembering multiple versions of events. The unique temporal effects of blaseball have resulted in Telephone being rendered unable to see her future, a unique circumstance for her that she reportedly finds liberating.
Visiting fans and flans have asked for her number in the past. None have been successful, but there is still hope. That phantom buzz in your pocket when you don't have your phone on you? That's a missed call from Jessica Telephone and you're lucky you didn't answer.
The concept of gender does not, never has, and never will have much meaning at all to Telephone. However, she identifies as a transgender woman.
Known Forms of the Eternal Jessica
Pie High Jessica Telephone
Rumors abound about a particular instance of Jessica Telephone, a young woman frequently seen while part of the Pies and allegedly the version of Telephone that was shelled twice. Because of these rumors, she is often referred to as “Dirtbag JT” by fans. The most infamous rumor about this Telephone is her signature drink “SKATE JUICE.” Made by mixing 2 No-Doz, a can of Jolt, and grape Kool-Aid, Dirtbag JT allegedly insisted that the name must be yelled in order to properly be SKATE JUICE. An attempt to categorize the other rumors about Dirtbag JT is presented below.
Telephone is reportedly a skilled skater, according to herself. She claimed to be able to do a 900 (where a person spins 900° while in the air on a skateboard), and supposedly had made plans to build a quarterpipe in her backyard before they were shut down by her mother, a woman who was never observed. Some fans reported that Telephone had a skateboard signed by the famous television stars Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O, while others professed her love of the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video game.
This instance of Telephone was notable for her disregard for the law. Her arrest record included keying the car of Philly legend Bam Margera, allegedly upon his refusal to teach her to do a kickflip. A pastor also contacted law enforcement after Telephone swapped the pre-recorded church music for a Jerky Boys tape. Outside of her official record, a local Blockbuster clerk claimed that he saw Telephone stealing a copy of the movie Mallrats “deliberately,” though she was never charged. On another occasion, a former friend of Telephone reported that Telephone stole her hoverboard and replaced it with a sticky note that said, “sry--feel suuuuper bad but hey, hoverboard!!!”
Drugs & Alcohol
Media & Media-Adjacent
Dirtbag JT spent much of her time playing video games and engaging with, as she termed it, “gamer culture,” though this amounted entirely to thumbing through EGM in the grocery store. She frequently bragged about her favorite “gamer moments,” which included allegedly crashing the economy on the Gaia Online forums, getting banned from Neopets for trying to convince the Neopets to unionize, and “[her] uncle at Nintendo [telling her] that Naruto is going to be in Smash.” Teammates noted that every time Jessica Telephone went up to bat, she would whisper "believe it" to herself.
Telephone’s interests also extended to television. She personally went to Cartoon Network's offices and asked them to bring Toonami back, and, according to close friends, knew more about Bionicle lore than any other person in history. When asked about her Bionicle knowledge in interviews, Telephone replied, "I like the blue one." She claimed to have been in an episode of Jackass, “but they cut [her] part before it aired.” Numerous sources say she claimed to have a tape of it and offered to let them see it if they performed various tasks for her, but the tape was never seen.
Despite her seemingly large consumption of media, friends said she remains surprisingly reticent when it comes to discussing them, either out of ignorance or a sense of humor. For example, she regularly referred to Joaquin Phoenix as “Joker Phoenix.” Similarly, teammates claimed that she loved to argue about who would win in a fight, Goku or Superman, but consistently said the answer is Hatsune Miku.
In addition to consuming media, Telephone also produced her own videos. She made at least 23 films with characters named "Johnny Red" and "Johnny Dirt," all of which at some point featured "ska dances." She has publicly complained about how she hates TikTok, but her friends reported receiving links to her personal webspace, where she had uploaded videos of herself doing “dumb stuff” with a camera.
Telephone claimed to be an early inspiration for the “ringtone rap” era of hip-hop music, based on her allegedly messaging Soulja Boy regularly on a Sidekick phone. She also claimed to have convinced Linkin Park to spell their name as they spelled it, and frequently told a tale (widely believed to be apocryphal) of meeting Eminem once. Her music collection included Limp Bizkit CDs from her uncle, Jimmy Eat World songs, an unidentified Marshall Mathers LP, and multiple mislabeled Eminem MP3s on a first-generation iPod Classic. Notably absent from her collection was music by the Misfits, as she repeatedly wore their merchandise and expressed negative opinions about the band after the departure of Glenn Danzig. In an interview, Telephone once said (unprompted) that she “thinks it’s cool [that] Dido sampled [the Eminem song] Stan and made a whole new song and it’s pretty good.” Some fans also claimed to have heard Telephone sing No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” while in the dugout, an experience described as “hauntingly beautiful.”
Fans often reported on Telephone’s popularity at parties. Though technically a certified clown, the only skill she regularly made use of was juggling. She later expanded her skillset to include contact juggling, but as there is no authority to certify contact jugglers, she allegedly designed and printed a certificate for herself. Witnesses of the certificate did not attest to her graphic design skills. On a smaller scale, fans reported that she was capable of folding a dollar bill to make the face of George Washington look like a dog, regularly performed backflips, and performed a variety of tricks using a BIC lighter. Some fans also reported that she practiced an unidentified “knife-between-the-fingers thing,” but was unskilled and frequently yelled for quiet in an attempt to focus.
Dirtbag JT’s food tastes were as eclectic as the rest of her personality. Her friends reported they had seen a case of pre-revival Jolt that she had stashed away. When asked about it in interviews, she responded, "it's probably worth a lot of money now but I'm not gonna sell it." Telephone frequently boasted that she is “both the reason they discontinued Crystal Pepsi, and the reason they brought it back,” and numerous acquaintances confirmed that she would end many conversations by walking off while saying, “Oh my God, I could really go for some Outback right now. I would kill a Bloomin' Onion.”
Despite an unconfirmed employment record and no seeming need for additional income, Telephone claimed to have worked for Banana Republic for a summer. She frequently mentioned this to excuse rolling her eyes, sighing heavily, and moaning, "I don’t want to talk about it." She also claimed to previously work the closing shift at a Denny's, where she would play Weezer's "Pink Triangle" on the kitchen speakers at least once a night.
Telephone more recently discovered YouTube, where her channel has become widely known for her weekly creation challenges (called “The JT Challenge,” despite there being multiple). Multiple of her friends advised against the channel’s creation, and insisted that this fact be included in interviews. Telephone’s hallmark sign-off for the channel was to stare directly into the camera and declare with a neutral expression, “I’m not afraid to die.” This phrase became popular within her channel’s fandom.
Starting with the Steaks
Jessica Telephone started from humble beginnings with the Dallas Steaks in Season 1 alongside her twin Sebastian Telephone. The two of them managed to take the team to the postseason where they were knocked out by the Chicago Firefighters, but the team was just happy to celebrate making it that far. In the very first election since the return, Jessica Telephone was empowered with the Dial Tone - making her the best batter in the league. This quickie took her from her humble beginnings and thrust her to the center of the league as she was traded for August Mina and found herself joining the winners of the first season of the ILB - the Philly Pies.
First Stint with the Pies
As Telephone grew to fame as statistically the greatest player in blaseball in season 2, her popularity skyrocketed. Many fans were particularly enthralled with her love life. Throughout the various 80s, she had been married to any number of women, often at the same time. A cult following developed around this aspect of her life, and many of the Telephones that emerged from the payphone to bat were happy to indulge questions and bask in the love of fans. Others quickly and quietly retreated to the phone booth after batting.
From conversations with the talkative Telephones, it has emerged that Telephone has had a number of long term relationships with women and several marriages, but she maintains a degree of privacy about her romantic life and the identity of these women is currently unknown. This has not stopped rumors from springing up; countless individuals are said to have been past, present, or future paramours of Jessica Telephone, including Sappho of Lesbos, Aphra Behn, and that cute girl with the undercut who works at Best Buy.
Career as a Tiger
Telephone's arrival to Hades began with a communication error, when general manager Fearful Symmetry demanded a phone for her office, and pitching coach Kick Rocks instead called upon an ancient pact to summon Jessica Telephone. According to legend, at that moment a blood-drenched payphone appeared before 480 BCE Spartan Jessica. saying "YOU ARE RECEIVING A COLLECT CALL FROM [a chorus of shrieking souls, thousands of angry teeth gnashing in unison, the cosmic blood of a broken moon.] DO YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?" She smiled slyly, revealing a mouth of razor-sharp teeth, before stepping into the phone booth and vanishing with a thunderous crack.
While in Hades, Jessica picked up the nickname "Jessica Persephone". Due to peculiarities of the Hadean local dialect, the nickname is pronounced [ˈpɚsəfoʊn], as an overcorrection for pronouncing her surname as [təˈlɛfəniː]. It's been noticed that the tangible forms of Eternal Jessica seem to be skewing somewhat older in history while she resides in Hades; ancient Greece and Rome have been especially common.
Jessica Phones Home - Return to the Pies
During a Season 4 match against the Tigers, Phillies shortstop Spears Taylor called Telephone to ask if she wanted to carpool to the local BLM rally after the game. The phone call inadvertently triggered Feedback, causing Jessica to emerge from Spears’s cellphone and take over their position on the Pies team.
Both the Tigers and Pies were sad to see their teammates go, but wished them well in their future careers. The Pies for their part held a “Jessica Phones Home” parade in center city; featuring all the Philly players on floats, flaky crust confetti, and the Philadelphia Philling leading the Drexel University marching band in a jazz rendition of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Telephone called the city’s response to her return “very sweet” and “honestly a little much.”
Overnight, Philadelphia’s population grew 1.8% due to all of Telephone’s wives, girlfriends, and fans moving into the city.
After the Season β6 regular season, one incarnation of Telephone was condemned to the inside of a peanut shell, where she remained for several months. This impressionable young Telephone was unaccustomed to staying on the blaseball field for long, typically batting and returning to the phone. While in the shell, her boredom overtook her and she passed the time by practicing rapping Eminem's song "Rap God," the only song that the groundskeeper played every night. Upon emerging from the shell after being pecked out by birds, she put on an impromptu performance for her teammates and all of the Blaseball news media, sending them into a frenzy.
Telephone tried to return to her phone, but she was shocked to find that her connection had been severed. She tried to live up to the "cool" image that many seemed to have of her, but her Internet research for "cool" instead led to images of skateboarding and vaping. She dedicated herself to these things in an attempt to be seen as effortlessly cool, though many of her former fans were turned off by her new image.
Telephone was a little relieved when she found herself in a shell at the end of season 8, both tired from the effort of trying to seem cool and hoping that this new shelling would restore her connection to the telephone.
The Shelled Ones Pods and The Return
The Breath Mints
After the events of Day X Telephone was returned to the ILB and landed with the Kansas City Breath Mints. Not much is known about her time on the Mints or which Telephone emerged from that booth to join the Mints. The only record of her time there was the letter she received from the Kansas Judicial Branch informing her that she had failed the bar exam.
The Mexico City Wild Wings
In season 12 Telephone was traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings and found a familiar face in Burke Gonzales from her time co-captaining in Macchiato City. Gonzales however was preoccupied with both the recent incineration of Case Sports as well as the trading of Joshua Watson to the Kansas City Breath Mints. Nevertheless the spotlight followed Telephone to Mexico City, though this particular Telephone had moved on from her glory days and was happy to use the threat of the Wild Wings Legal department to keep press at bay. Telephone instead chose to focus on the fundamentals, and acted as the Wing’s hitting coach. Roscoe Sundae was quoted saying it was “nice that they were letting their newest rookie be involved in the team”. While it’s difficult to say if the Wing’s offence improved during her stint at least one of the Cell Barajas does credit Telephone with the suggestion that she should start pitching instead of batting which was of great help to the Wing’s defence.
No one has been able to confirm if Telephone ever partook in Rafael Davids' infamous pitching juice, and Telephone denies any claims that she had ever “picked it up by accident and downed the glass before she realized what it was”.
The Breath Mints (Redux)
In season 13 Telephone once again found herself in Kansas City, and the reports of her activities dried up immediately. This time however, reporters were able to uncover a letter from the Kansas Judicial Branch saying that, despite her time with the Wild Wings Legal Team, when Jessica Telephone had retaken the bar exam she had somehow managed an even lower score than her original season 11 outcome.
The Philly Pies
In a return to form, Telephone spent season 14 with the Philly Pies.
The Hades Tigers
In an even more consistent return to form, in Season 15 Telephone was traded to the Hades Tigers.
The Tokyo Lift
After the heat of the Tigers, Telephone was moved out of the spotlight again in season 16, when she was traded to the Tokyo Lift. Starting to wind down, she took the opportunity to get involved with running the Lift’s beefwing stand and took advantage of her extended stay to slow down and appreciate a team that wasn’t around for her rise to fame in the discipline era.
During the season 18 election Telephone encountered a non-entity in the mysterious Elsewhere that offered her a deal. It offered to trade her face, position and fame to it, and in exchange she could walk away from the game forever. It is unknown how long she considered this deal, or what else might have been offered, but when Telephone finally emerged from her phone booth she was fundamentally different. Many people speculated what this meant for the Eternal Jessica; Was any Jessica from this point on a duplicate? Had there always been a duplicate in their midst? Was there any way to tell this Jessica apart from the original ones?
The being known as Jessica Telephone declined to answer, leaving fans to speculate just what this might mean for Telephone’s past, present, and future.
The Dallas Steaks
Returning to the Steaks after 20 long seasons, Telephone stepped out of her booth as a new woman. Quite literally in this case. When Jessica “Jessii” Telephone emerged in Dallas she was surprised to hear that she had been traded. From what she could remember she had never even left the Steaks in the first place. It seemed that somehow in the deal brokered in Tokyo, the Eternal Jessica no longer simply pulled herself from across time but from across dimensions as well.
This Telephone had never left the Steaks, received the Dial tone, or caught the league's attention. What was left was simply Jessica Telephone batting for the Dallas Steaks.
The Baltimore Crabs
Upon settling in for her stay in Baltimore after the Season 21 Election, Telephone made a point of seeking out the newly debted Silvaire Roadhouse. The two shared some time together where Telephone spoke frankly to Roadhouse regarding her own actions tasting the infinite, and offered advice and insight that Roadhouse accepted politely but cynically. While her words may not have had the intended effect, she did hope that Roadhouse would remember her words when her situation escalated. Next on her list was to track down a thorn in her Eternal side, Parker Parra. Being a 5th dimensional entity, Telephone had a habit of encountering Parra in all sorts of times, situations, and scenarios. Now that they were on the same team Telephone took the opportunity to set up ground rules with Parra so they no longer had to be forcibly removed from Telephone’s booth. Parra for their part seemed just as confused as Telephone on how they ended up there, but did promise to try not to do it too often.
Finally after several days of avoiding her after practice, Telephone was able to catch a hold of Lorcan Smaht, who she had discovered was, alongside Trinity Smaht, the child of one of her latest partners. Lorcan seemed to be extremely embarrassed by the situation, while Trinity engaged in several video calls from Miami to express aer excitement at this development. Telephone for her part endeavored to keep their relationship professional, mostly for the sake of Lorcan’s pride. Telephone did admit she engaged in at least one “shovel talk”, but would not give up the name of which Smaht’s potential suitor was the recipient.
Finally after the somewhat extensive introductions were out of the way, Telephone was approached by team captain Kennedy Loser who offered her dinner and conversation, which she was happy to accept. The two found a mutual admiration for one another in Telephone’s resilience and exploits, and Loser’s position as an anchor of the team - staying strong with the ones he started with. When Telephone left the Crabs it was with a reminder of what could have been, and an appreciation for just how far her life had taken her.
Written Work and Interactive Fiction
- let's tear up this rotten world together by elliotaries
- DIE TRYING by elliotaries
- lift me up (just to bury me under) by elliotaries
- there’s a room where the light won’t find you, by Peaksykid
- oh remembrance i by Peaksykid
- eight ways to get rid of jessica telephone by Peaksykid
- oh, it was a lonely, lonely winter by Peaksykid
- chasing fires by Peaksykid
- charcoal and dirt by Peaksykid
- Jessica Telephone Walk Up Music (Season 2):
- Ring Ring by Hello Whirled (dampsocks008 on Discord)
- Jessica Telephobe is one of the major character in Blaseball: The Musical - The Deaths of Sebastian Telephone
Season 3 JT by @Sphr_AM
Season 3 JT by @HORSEIZONTAL
*beep* Make 'em feel the violence one last time.
Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky
"Jessica Telephone is Flickering!" by @2skele2bells
Tlopps card by @linhtropy
Jess on the Wings
Pods Jessica by @KABOOMdle
Welcome to Tokyo, Jess
Telephone's "Blaseball Blattlers" sprite, by Eli
Party Time by 0dd0wl
Jess in Kansas by Cori
Jess loses the Dial Tone by Cori
Jess's feedback to the Pies by Cori
Jess shelled, by Cori
Jess in Macchiato City by Cori
|Buried||Atma Willowtree · Baby Doyle · Lucy Tokkan|
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