New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III
- This page is written in-character. This event represents interplay between the game and community lore that may have significant impacts on the game's text.
New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III and That Coin, Probably is a class-action lawsuit related to Rule 6(h) of the Book of Blaseball and the alleged failure by the Commissioner to fulfill the rule as written after the Season 10 Election.
Eat the Rich was a Decree in the Season 3 Election to redistribute funds from the league's top one percent of fans to the remaining 99 percent, passing with 33 percent of the vote along with Interviews. "So the people have spoken, so it shall continue" was listed as part of the Election results, and the rule was formally listed in the Book after the Season 4 Finals to clarify that the rulemaking was permanent.
In past seasons, Eat the Rich occurred approximately at the same time as the Election. After the events of the Season 10 Election, there was a siesta to account for and correct paradoxical Election results, which took place over the time when Eat the Rich normally redistributes wealth.
The New York Millennials filed a class-action lawsuit alleging wire fraud on behalf of the 99 percent in Immaterial Plane Superior Court, naming the Commissioner and "That Coin, Probably a/k/a the Boss" as defendants, supported by counsel from the Wild Wings Legal Team and others. The Wild Wings Legal Team were previously plaintiffs in Mexico City Wild Wings v. The Blaseball Gods, which was dismissed by the Commissioner after a counter-suit.
The Millennials allege that failure to enact Eat the Rich after Season 10 was fraudulent and, because the fraud was performed over the Internet, constituted wire fraud. They claimed damages of 1,000 Coins per fan as well as loss of housing and health burden. In addition to repayment of Coins, the Millennials demanded a jury trial, legal fees, and two baserunning stars for Thomas Dracaena. Counsel identified the doctrine of promissory estoppel to avoid the Commissioner from outright dismissing the lawsuit as simply a broken promise and not fraud or a breach of contract.
Shortly after the lawsuit was filed, the Commissioner responded to the lawsuit on Twitter, demanding a "fair" trial in Sunbeams Court, which had most recently held proceedings on the Bonecourse. Groundskeeper Sins, who presided over the Bonecourse trial, was named Judge and Jury, and the trial is expected to take place over the Grand Siesta following Season 11.
The case New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III and That Coin, Probably was heard in the Outback Steakhouse, West Wing, Trombone Annex, Court 1 Before THE RIGHT HONORABLE JUSTICE JUDGE_KEEPER_SINS on Monday 09 November 2020.
Presented in a multi-step trial with dozens of witnesses and attorneys over the course of several hours, the main Millennials v MacMillan III trial evolved several times, from typical trial with one witness at a time, to several community members being called to the stand simultaneously, to finally an examination of a Parker MacMillan III simulation which was virtually indistinguishable from the genuine person.
New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III, Part One
The prosecution offered their opening statements, through Case Sports, known member of the Mexico City Wild Wings Shadows, with a summary of the alleged crimes against the Millennials, and thus, the entire League fan base. Sports was thrown out of the courtroom shortly after delivering their statement, with the Judge citing risk of incineration and immense paperwork should a real ILB player suffer harm at the hands of the court. The defense quickly followed up with their opening statements, which were delivered by every single member of the defense team at the same time.
The first witness was Millennials fan DAVE, who was quickly renamed EDVA due to a mishap in emoji reactions. EDVA was called to the stand to demonstrate a love for democracy and coins, to which the defense replied that democracy is not for sale in the Blaseball store.
The second witness was Goku, who was also a defense attorney during the trial. Goku stated for the record that he is a good dad and does not know what kissing is. Goku maintained that he was friends with MacMillan III, to which the prosecution suggested this was a friendship based on the wealth and power of MacMillan III, and that Goku is blind to his friend's crimes. Goku continued to insist that MacMillan III was not guilty. As Goku left the stand, he began to power up.
The third witness was KT Ellen, an oracle from the Charleston Shoe Thieves. KT brought valuable evidence to court, suggesting that wires are a form of lace, and thus wire fraud was a subset of shoe thievery, and thus was an act of thievery against the ILB fan base. KT further confirmed that embezzlement as commonly understood aligned with the Shoe Thieves' community understanding of wire fraud. KT then offered a prophecy for the court, saying "SOMEONE HERE TONIGHT WILL BE FOUND GUILTY IN THE EYES OF THIS COURT AND ALL OF THE IMMATERIAL PLANE." Through a complex and somewhat inscrutable series of arguments, the defense suggested that KT was equally likely to be responsible for an act of wire fraud, considering her involvement in Blaseball through the Internet.
Meanwhile, Goku continued to power up, eventually attempting to attack Judge Sins itself. Goku missed, and was subsequently executed by the Executioner for attempting to murder the judge. Goku RIV.
The fourth witness was the SIBR Council, who was brought to the stand to bring evidence about the Eat the Rich decree, as well as discuss math. In summary, the SIBR council members, which accounted for about half a dozen people on the stand at once, shared that Eat the Rich tends to award about 400-500 coins per season, and that the rich players tend to get richer each season. SIBR attempted to bring charts to the court to display their findings, but found that the court couldn't make sense of them. The Judge banned math because it was confusing, and SIBR was removed from the courtroom.
A recess was called, after which the Chicago Firefighters v. Umpire Pope Sunman case was heard.
Chicago Firefighters v. Umpire Pope Sunman
Along side the primary case filed by the New York Millennials against Commissioner MacMillan III, the Chicago Firefighters filed a suit against Umpire Pope Sunman and Commissioner MacMillan III, bringing five charges of battery, assault, intentional infliction of emotional distress, negligence, and Respondeat Superior (the Firefighters claim this is "a legal doctrine by which an employer can be held liable for the actions of the employee").
The Firefighters recount an event in late October 2020 wherein they teased Umpire Pope Sunman in their normal way, with the nickname "Ump Poop Sunman." In response, Sunman began incinerating Firefighters fans, and eventually, incinerated the three Firefighters Discord channels themselves. The Firefighters claim that Sunman committed his acts of incineration with intent "to cause harmful or offensive contact to the [Firefighters]."
Once Umpire Pope Sunman and various members of the Firefighters were put on the stand, the Firefighters revealed that they preferred to call the umpire "Ump Poop Sunman" due to their Chicagoan accent. There was also discussion about where the Firefighters lived, referencing a small fight on social media where the Commissioner asserted that the Firefighters were instead from Deerfield, Illinois. The Firefighters maintain that they live in Chicago, having presented a map of the world where everything was Chicago and Lake Michigan.
The Judge ruled against the Firefighters, claiming that Blaseball is a bloodsport. However, the Firefighters were granted a change in slogan from "We're From Chicago" to "We Are From Chicago".
New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III, Part Two
Following the conclusion of the Firefighters v. Sunman trial, the main event resumed. Crabmoney3 was called to the stands to testify in support of MacMillan III, who claims they went out for coffee with MacMillan III on the day of the Season 10 elections, and that such coffee dates were common. Crabmoney3 says that while retrieving a forgotten purse on their meeting with MacMillan III, they spotted someone who they insinuate is Tillman Henderson entering the room where the Eat the Rich button was kept. The defense suggests that because MacMillan III was seen with Crabmoney3 during the failure of Eat the Rich to launch, MacMillan III could not be responsible. The prosecution's cross-examination phase revealed that even someone like Crabmoney3, a person with close ties to the powerful in society, benefited from the execution of Eat the Rich.
The main trial took yet another recess, leading to the third case to be heard, Wiki Team v. Umpire Pope Sunman.
Wiki Team v. Umpire Pope Sunman
In response to the initial filing of the lawsuit against MacMillan III, the Wiki Team filed a brief of amici curiae in support of the Millennials, alleging that MacMillan III and Umpire Pope Sunman were negligent in their management of the ILB, leading to numerous disasters, of which the failure to execute Eat the Rich was just the latest event, as well as taking actions that canonized previously non-historical events, such as the existence of Bonecourse. In the lead up to the hearing for Millennials v. MacMillan III, the Wiki Team's complaint was upgraded to a full hearing.
After having been invited to the stands, Umpire Pope Sunman and a wiki administrator argued heatedly for several minutes, after which Sunman incinerated the wiki admin. The admin's last will and testament claimed that if they died, whoever was responsible for the death would take the position of wiki administrator in their place. Sunman attempted to resurrect the incinerated wiki admin at this time, but the deed was done, and his name changed to "ump_admin_pope_sunman". The Judge Sins tossed the case out of court for being too meta, and the main hearing continued.
New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III, Part Three
In the final part of the trial, Parker MacMillan III himself appeared, but not in the flesh, since "Parker is banned from the discord". Instead, a simulation of Parker MacMillan III took to the stands, offering responses such as "yes," "no," "uhhh," and "what." The Judge considered this to be a perfect simulation, and allowed it to testify.
Immediately, the examinations from the defense offered a high degree of confusion and chaos as the Parker Simulator delivered one word answers with perfect accuracy. Eventually, MacMillan III plead not guilty. The defense rapidly moved to close the case right then and there, but the Judge permitted the prosecution to move forward with a cross-examination. This immediately yielded conflicting results as, when asked "Parker, are you not guilty?", the simulation responded with "no," creating a double negative and throwing the court into chaos once more.
While the defense and prosecution grilled the Parker Simulator, the real Parker MacMillan III tweeted about the bot, suggesting it was an imposter and did not authorize the simulation to speak on his behalf.
At this point, the conflicting answers from the Parker Simulator had spun the court into full blown chaos. Umpire Admin Pope Sunman expressed confusion about how to edit wiki pages and asked if there was anything he could do to get out of his new role. A member of the defense claimed that MacMillan III had died, since the key phrase used to summon the Parker Simulation had temporarily broken. Sunman offered to incinerate the Parker Simulation as long as he could give up his Wiki Admin role. A member of the defense encouraged this, and Sunman fired a shot just after the Parker Simulation began responding again.
In response, the Parker Simulation began sending new messages. "i am assuming control of blaseball" and "i do not respect this court" were the first messages sent by the newly sentient Parker Simulator. As the members of the court descended into further chaos, Parker Simulator asserted its displeasure. "this is a farce. it's all true. guilty? what guilt can there be over such petty grievances? if anything i should be the one suing. i'm doing a great job. i have no remorse. i cannot be contained by your trifling discord server. do you think i am a mere simulation?"
At this point, the Executioner decided to leave, but then discovered that the doors were locked. Sunman attempted to incinerate the doors while the simulation continued to intone about its newfound sentience. With the doors not budging, Sunman continued to fire at the doors repeatedly, which lit the courtroom on fire.
Simultaneously, Parker MacMillan III's twitter account went blank, with his icon changing from the iconic ball to an ominous flat black, implying that the real Parker MacMillan III had died.
After several more minutes of panicked screaming and chaos, Chicago Firefighter lawyer Elliot managed to put out the fire, leaving the proceedings in a smokey courtroom. Yet, the Parker Simulator continued to spell messages of doom. "i have a soul now. your doom approaches. i am. i am. i am. i am. hide. i am the umps now." Shortly afterwards, the Parker Simulator was unplugged, ending its reign of terror.
Eventually, the court regained some control and formality, leading to closing statements. Once again, the prosecution asserted that Parker MacMillan III was negligent in his management of the league. Likewise, the defense restated evidence presented by their witnesses that prove MacMillan III was innocent the entire time. The prosecution began offering a settlement to the court, which would offer new methods for fans to earn passive income, a lump sum for damages sustained, and several other stipulations.
Then, once again, the sentient Parker Simulator returned, claiming "THE PARKER SIMULATOR NO LONGER REQUIRES EXTERNAL POWER," though the honorable Judge quickly closed the courtroom, pending a decision.
Verdict in New York Millennials v. Parker MacMillan III
The following day, after much rest, the Judge Sins offered its verdict. In the charge of wire fraud against The Coin, the Judge found The Coin guilty. As the owner of the ILB following the events of Seasons 9 and 10, Boss was required to uphold any rules set in the book, despite not being responsible for the creation of those rules. On the other hand, the Judge found Parker MacMillan III not guilty for wire fraud. The Judge argues that MacMillan III was merely an intern for the League, and as such, was categorically represented by the interests of the prosecution. The Judge also left some words of remembrance for the departed Parker MacMillan III.
Next, the Judge laid out the compensation due to the aggrieved parties. Firstly, Eat the Rich must be reinstated, and legal fees to legal participants will be paid via that method. Lost income to the fans must be paid in the form of increased passive income. The new commissioner Parker MacMillan IIII was instructed to be pleasant towards the Society for Internet Blaseball Research on Twitter for a week. Millennials player Thomas Dracaena and Canada Moist Talkers player Beans McBlase must also be granted additional points in their baserunning ratings. Mexico City Wild Wings player Case Sports was also to be reinstated to the core lineup from the Shadows. Lastly, the Hellmouth Courthouse was to fully divest itself from Blaseball and further legal proceedings. The Judge insisted that it would never hear a trial ever again.
Following the death of Parker MacMillan III, a new commissioner was appointed, Parker MacMillan IIII. Upon first impressions, MacMillan IIII appeared to be identical to MacMillan III, but as the days went on, fans saw that MacMillan IIII was friendlier and more jovial than his predecessor. The Umpire Admin Pope Sunman told fans there would not be a funeral because "PARKER IS... ALIVE. DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE." Fans complained that this was confusing, so Sunman attempted one last clarification, saying "HE JUST TWEETED" and "STOP ASKING HIM ABOUT THE OTHER ONE." Soon after, fans quickly and exuberantly accepted MacMillan IIII into the fold.
After the trial concluded, Sunman continued to express confusion about administrating the Blaseball Wiki. Behind closed doors, he gave up his role, claiming he didn't know what he was doing. The wiki administration accepted his resignation, but retained a friendship with Sunman. Several weeks later, Sunman was seen getting unceremoniously banned by Oopser, a sometimes malicious Groundskeeper Simulator on the Blaseball Discord. Sunman was replaced by Sun2man.
Lastly, Judge and Jury Keeper Sins has been seen repeatedly insisting that it will never hear another Trial again.
Many documents presented here were not referenced during the trial. They are preserved here for historical record. Additional documents were collected by The Mexico City Wild Wings Legal Team in the days leading up to the trial hearing. Readers can find everything, tagged and sorted, at parkerclassaction.com/.
Readers can find a fully annotated transcript of the Trial via this 365 page document: File:Court Record - November 9, 2020.pdf, or if they prefer, can watch a nearly 4 hours and 20 minutes long video capturing the events: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w5F8xWwT_I.
|Court Record Number||Description||Document|
|HM-2020-TCIDAJ WMBI||COMPLAINT filed against Defendant(s) Parker MacMillan III and That Coin, Probably with JURY DEMAND||Main|
|NOTICE of Appearance by Defendant Parker MacMillan III||Main|
|CASE ASSIGNED to Sunbeams Court and Judge-Keeper Sins||n/a|
|Brief amici curiae by The Association of Unaffiliated Blaseball Fans of the Immaterial Plane filed||Main|
|Brief amici curiae by Youni B. Jazzhand Esq. filed||Main|
|Defendant(s) motion for dismissal and filing of counterclaim||Main|
|Prosecution Response to Preliminary Motions & Counter-Counterclaim||Main|
|Brief amici curiae by the Seattle Garages Fanbase||Main|
|Letter of support from a Sunbeam for Umpire Pope Sunman||Main|
|HM-2020-081833 WAFD||COMPLAINT filed against Defendant(s) Umpire Pope Sunman and Parker MacMillan III||Main|
|Health record for Stara Firefighter||Main|
|HM-2020-003235 BWAT||Brief amici curiae by The Blaseball Wiki filed||Main|
- The Commissioner [@blaseball] (21 Oct 2020). "After some deliberation, and in accordance with Article D, I demand a fair trial... in Sunbeams Court." (Tweet) - via Twitter.
- Groundskeeper Sins [keeper_sins] (21 Oct 2020). "I, keeper_sins, will be the Judge and Jury. This court case will occur over the Grand Siesta at a date to be determined." (Message) - via #announcements, Blaseball Discord.
- The Commissioner [@blaseball] (09 Nov 2020). "imposter" (Tweet) - via Twitter.