Baltimore Crabs/History

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COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Before

The Baltimore Crabs were founded in Baltimore, Maryland in ██52 as a tribute to The Olde One. The name reportedly came to the people of the city in a dream. Many stories of that darker era have been lost, and the ebb and flow of history has been unkind indeed to those unlucky few whose names cling to memory.

Upon the founding of the Crabs, communion with the Crab Mother became more popularized in Baltimorean society. As blaseball itself popularized, the primary means of worship for the Mother Crab was channeled through the cultural event. Baltimore at large did not worship the blaseball gods, and played the splort independently through a complex cluster of underleagues.

Not much is recorded about the killing of the Olde One. It is considered extremely impolite to bring up around anyone who was involved, and even between one witness to another it is only referred to with a soured expression or a trailed off sentence. Insinuations that it may have been at the Olde One’s behest that the first god the city kill be their own has been met with troubled reactions such as "no, it wasn't like that..." while suggestions that it was a good thing to kill a god has seen Baltimoreans say "yes, but...it's hard to explain..." Emotions on record range from celebratory to grieving to indignant to harrowed to at peace to furious to revulsed, all from the same person in quick succession - the only Baltimorean to ever go on record about it. The only things that can be said in confidence about the event are:

  • The entire city participated in the act
  • The Baltimore Crabs were essential in the striking of the killing blow
  • It had to be done.

The Return of Blaseball

The Blaseball gods and the Baltimore Crabs formed an uneasy alliance during the Blaseball-Glolf Clonflict which lead to the inclusion of the Crabs into the Internet League, despite their deicidal tendencies and lack of table manners.

The Crabs have taken well to the cultural event of Blaseball, as has the city of Baltimore. New direction has been breathed into the city following the lull as millions collectively processed the ichor on their hands/claws, with Crabitat at the heart of this tempest. Across multiple interviews, members of the Crabs have said that they are driven to be the best blaseball players they can be, so that they may ascend to the gates of blaseball's pantheon and, repeated, "strangle the blaseball gods with [their] bare hands/claws."

Nobody has actually confirmed if ascension would achieve this.

Season 1: A Humble Beginning

The original "Flat Crabs" of Season 1.

Season record: 38-61
Despite all their posturing and being just off the tail of killing their own god, the Crabs begin their journey as the least successful team in the Evil League, and the second least successful overall (falling just short of perennial loss champions the LA Tacos). Lead by their captain Combs Duende they quickly fell out of contention for any sort of post-season showing. Not to be deterred, the team was quick to make some improvements.

Election

The Baltimore Crabs won two blessings, improving their overall stats by 6%, and stealing the best pitcher in the league, PolkaDot Patterson ,who had just been maxed out by the Kansas City Breath Mints. They sent back Winnie Hess, at the time a zero star pitcher.

Season 2: The Most Dangerous Game

Season record: 49-50
While their overall performance was improved by the addition of Polkadot Patterson, the Crabs were just shy of a winning record, though they did mange to be a part of the first 20 inning game with the Breckenridge Jazz Hands. As the Forbidden Book was opened, the Crabs were among those to face the consequences of the act, with the fifth incineration of the ILB sending marine Biology student Nora Perez to her death. She was replaced by Holden Stanton in the lineup.

Election

While the Crabs did not receive any blessings, PolkaDot Patterson was stolen by the Canada Moist Talkers, trading out their star pitcher with the less-than-stellar Oliver Notarobot. This was one of the first of many times that the Crabs made an active show of swearing off the blaseball gods.

Season 3: Building Up

Season record: 44-55
Despite losing their star pitcher, the Crabs were determined to carry on and were rewarded when Valentine Games ate a stray peanut and had a yummy reaction, quickly making them the star batter of the team. The Crabs then spent most of the season in 4th or 5th in the Lawful Evil division but finished in a respectable 3rd thanks in large part to Valentine’s efforts.

Election

In a surprising twist, after Nagomi Mcdaniel was stolen from the Hawai'i Fridays by the Jazz Hands, the Crabs were able to steal her with the Headhunter blessing mid-election - resulting in sending Holden Stanton to Breckenridge, and taking Mcdaniel for their lineup before she even played for the Jazz Hands.

Season 4: Getting Burned

A conversation between Combs and the Blaseball Commissioner after Nora's Death

Season record: 52-47
A Setback. Despite their strong start, the Crabs met a number of setbacks along the road in season 4. First was the loss of newly improved Valentine Games on Day 35, who was lost in a feedback swap with the Jazz Hands, and replaced with Tot Fox. This was followed by the loss of the team captain Combs Duende, who was incinerated by a rogue umpire and replaced by Finn James emerging from the Chesapeake Bay on Day 63. With their captain gone it was Kenedy Loser, Forrest Best, and Brock Forbes who took up the responsibilities of leading the team. In the end the Crab’s missed the postseason by a single game.

Election

Rather than looking outside their team, this selection the Crabs focused on optimizing their lineup and rotation with their existing players. Oliver Notarobot and Tillman Henderson were moved to the lineup to bat, and Finn James and Joshua Watson were moved to the pitching rotation.

Season 5: Trading Places

Tillman Henderson (pointlessly) hits a Grand Slam.

Season record:65-34
Postseason Record: 1-3

Finished with the league-best record after optimizing their staff Finn James shone in her new position on the pitcher’s mound, racking up an impressive 16 wins in the season (tying for first across the league), and earning the Moniker “Finn James Wins Games”. Tillman Henderson on the other hand, hit a grand slam in his first season as a batter, Day 53 against the Houston Spies. Naturally it was against a game where we were already up 5-0, and it was the only meaningful contribution he made to that game.

The Crabs made the postseason for the first time, though they were knocked out in the first round. But that didn’t matter, because things had changed...

Election

In a legendary election, the Crabs won four blessings;

While the Crabs did lose Nagomi Mcdaniel to the Jazz Hands, getting Holden Stanton back in return, they were well poised for their next season.

Season 6: The Greatest Team Ever (to date)

Season record: 80-19
Postseason Record: 9-0

After the last election the Crabs had unprecedented blaseball success, including a 21 game winning streak and completely sweeping the playoffs to win their first championship.

Forrest Best became the first player to steal 100 bases in a single season, beating out the second place Don Mitchell by 45 steals. While every single Crabs pitcher found their way to the leaderboard for the lowest earned run averages across the league.

Election

While not as monumental as their last election, the Crabs made several gains in season 6. Sutton Dreamy was able to pick up Night Vision Goggles, and Holden Stanton was rewarded with a shrink ray, and then immediately sent back to the Jazz Hands for Nagomi Mcdaniel. Again. Notably this time McDaniel was shelled - and therefore unable to actually participate in the game other than catching flyouts - which she did several times. This series of trades are detailed inThe Ballad of Nagomi Mcdaniel.

Season 7: An Upset

Season record: 67-32
Postseason Record: 3-5

Fresh off of their record breaking season, the Crabs were poised to take another run at the championship despite all the necromancy and death sweeping through the league. While the Crabs were able to make it through unscathed, their own Pedro Davids had the unstable effect chained to him, and played though a nail biting eclipse game on Day 62 before the effect wore off. At the same time, at the end of the regular season six-star pitcher Axel Trololol was shelled, forcing Adalberto Tosser to pitch in his slot for the duration of the postseason as well as through the subsequent seasons.

On a more cheerful note, Forrest Best set a new record for base theft that stands to this day- reaching 114 bases stolen, with runner up that season once again being Don Mitchell with 54 bases stolen.

While the Crabs team finished with the best record in both leagues they lost to the San Francisco Lovers in the semifinal. This prevented the crabs from being targeted by the Champions in the Making blessing, which would steal three of the league champion's players.

Election

Despite missing the championship this season, as one of the top 4 teams in the league the Crabs were subjected to Bless Off - preventing them from winning any blessings in season 7. They were affected by the Seattle Garages who won Blind Date, trading Oliver Notarobot for their worst player, Luis Acevedo. Look at him off to greater things

Season 8: Revenge of the Crab

A crab dressed as a firefighter

Season record:74-25
Postseason Record: 9-2

Season 8 was notable for the formation of what was dubbed "Chiclawgo" when the Crabs and Chicago Firefighters played 4 series straight against one another, causing fans and players alike to bond over the splort. Indeed this is where rumours regarding Sutton Dreamy and Rivers Rosa, as well as Tillman Henderson and Declan Suzanne began to circulate. After the Chiclawgo series, the Crabs returned to their regularly scheduled program - finishing top in the league, and once again and running all the way to finals to block fellow Lawful Evil division alumni the Hades Tigers from ascension as the Crabs claimed their second championship.

At the same time, pitcher Adalberto Tosser was still pulling double duty for the shelled Axel Trololol, pitching 39 games in the regular season compared to Finn James’ 20, Brock Forbes’ 19, and Montgomery Bullock’s 21.

Election

In a repeat of Season 2, failed to claim any blessings despite having bid the highest in seven separate blessings due to votes saved from the previous elections. This result was calculated by Crabs statisticians as an 8.5% chance of critical failure. Hilariously this is also about the odds of their season 5 election results.

This also marked the first of only two seasons the Crabs started and ended with the same roster.

Season 9: The Great Toss

Nagomi Mcdaniel pecked free after 2 seasons.

Season record: 71-28
Postseason Record: 8-4

Hoping to repeat their success of the last season, the Crabs went into season 9 looking for their last win to reach ascension when, on Day 64, long-time Crab Tillman Henderson was incinerated by a rogue empire in the early hours of the morning, and replaced with upstart Silvaire Roadhouse. It turned out that if an ump tried to set him on fire, he would in fact die.

After 2 seasons of being shelled, Nagomi Mcdaniel was unshelled on Day 103, the Crab’s first game of the postseason, and hit a 2-run home run on her first at-bat. The Crabs swept their first two opponents until reaching the Charleston Shoe Thieves.

The Crabs were up 2-0 before the Shoe Thieves turned things around. At game 5 with the exhausted Adalberto Tosser pitching, the Crabs were up the whole game, until Stu Trololol put down a three run homer in the ninth inning that won the Shoe Thieves the championship.

Crabs missed their almost certain shot at ascension, but avoided the curses that followed Day X, though they did lose the shelled Axel Trololol to the Shelled Ones Pods. To this day Crabs fans still shudder at the sight of Stu Trololol in the bottom of the 9th inning.

Election

In an underwhelming election, the Crabs managed to achieve only a single blessing - the fifth Base Bubble, which would force any team outside of their division to run an extra base before reaching home. However with the passing of the weather based decrees, Nagomi Mcdaniel gained the Fire-eater and Siphon modifications, while Montgomery Bullock gained the Friend of Birds modification.

Season 10: Claws Up

Kennedy Loser uninterested in the machinations of the Umpires.
Art of Tot destroying the Sun by Toasthaste

Season record: 69-30
Postseason Record: 9-0
Day X Record: 0-1

In the regular season the Crabs were able to achieve the ideal crabs win count - 69, a reference to the astrological sign of Cancer. In play, Kennedy Loser also notably was on base of the incineration of the Yellowstone Magic pitcher Annie Roland. After throwing 3 balls, she was incinerated, and Loser drew a walk. Finn James also threw a perfect game on Day 72 - only the third in the Discipline Era. Impressively she only threw 4 strikeouts for the whole game.

At the end of season 10, the league also achieved their second necromancy, where former Crab Tillman Henderson was raised from the Hall of Flames. Unfortunately since he swapped with star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers this meant that he was once again a terrible pitcher, but for the Charleston Shoe Thieves.

After a strong season and sweeping the first two rounds of the playoffs the Crabs met the Shoe Thieves for a rematch in the finals. On their third and final game of the series Tot Fox batted in Silvaire Roadhouse to score the 10th run and destroyed the Sun and Moon, which swallowed one of the Shoe thieves' Wins, leading to the series to be at -1 - 2. In order to save the lives of the fans and players who unwittingly hosted that season's partytime on the moon, the blaseball gods were forced to untangle the causality for the escape shuttles to make it out on time, though many still argue that this means Tot has the highest K/D ratio in blaseball. The final run was scored in a classic Crabs setup, with Forrest Best reaching on a fielder’s choice, and Nagomi Mcdaniel at bat. After stealing his way to third base, Mcdaniel hit a sacrifice fly, bringing Forrest home and sealing ascension for the Crabs.

After the game the Crabs faced off against the Shelled One's Pods in Day X, and were defeated in the bottom of the first inning despite a solid performance from Brock Forbes. Regardless of their defeat, this third championship victory did trigger ascension and the Crabs were called up to the Big Leagues. While the league watched them go, they wished them Godspeed on their way to wherever they were going.

Election

Despite their ascension, the Crabs were unfortunately still able to be targeted by blessings which resulted them losing Nagomi Mcdaniel, Sutton Dreamy, and Montgomery Bullock to the Hawai'i Fridays as a result of the People’s Champion blessing. The Crabs received the Friday’s three worst players - Bevan Underbuck, Baldwin Breadwinner, and Evelton McBlase II.

Curiously the Crabs also managed to lose Montgomery Bullock to the San Francisco Lovers as a result of the Popular by association blessing. In an entanglement of time related to Tot's earlier opening of the Leagues' first Black Hole, and subsequent destruction of the Moon and Sun, Bontgomery Mullock was created, and they were sent to the Lovers.

Season 11: The Big Leagues

The Crabs in the Big Leagues

Season Record: 1-98
The Big Leagues. The Crabs were obscured from sight only viewable through the Telescope at the start of the season. Though eventually located at Blaseball2, the crabs remained trapped in The Big Leagues and proceeded to lose 49 consecutive games and their single victory in game 50 was followed by another 48 consecutive losses.

There are many theories about what ascension might have looked like. What were the big leagues like? What were they playing up there? Did Bevan Underbuck really pitch the only winning game? While no one can know for sure, there are some theories about what it might have looked like for the Crabs.

Season 12: The Return

Season Record: 0-0
The Crabs did not play in the 12th season, however their presence was hanging over the league in every Black Hole game, where the Crabs could be found within its depths. This was also when the Crabs were able to construct their ballpark, which they did despite multiple warnings, funding the operation in around 11 minutes.

On Day 72 with the conduction completed, a flood of immateria hit the league, bringing back not only the Crabs, but the Ohio Worms, the Atlantis Georgias, and the Core Mechanics. The four teams did not join at the end of the season, but were slotted into their new home in the Mild Low Division where they would begin season 13.

The return of the Crabs to the immaterial plane also gave the Chicago Firefighters a chance to present Tot Fox a key to the city and honourary firefighter status for successfully extinguishing the sun back in season 10.

Election

While they did not participate in the season, the Crabs benefited from long time friends the Chicago Firefighters winning the Tag Team Pitching blessing in the Season 12 Elections, boosting every player's pitching by 10%. In addition, they received The Rack blessing, boosting their overall defense by 15%.

The Crabs also made some roster changes, calling up Jacoby Podcast from their shadows, and sending Bevan Underbuck to a well deserved break.

The biggest surprise for the Crabs however, was the passing of their second will which was meant to revoke Evelton McBlase II from their lineup, and instead was won on 4% odds to grant them Fourth Strike. Now that their batters all had the Flinch modification they Crabs were expecting to have a rebuilding year, but it would seem that would have to wait. But no matter how the Crabs played the fans were just glad to have them back, and they know that everything would eventually Be Alright.

Season 13: Welcome Back

Season record: 59-40
Postseason Record: 9-0

The Crabs had a strong season, highlighting the potential of a low scoring team and a strong defense. Over the course of the season Kennedy Loser gained the Reverberating Modification, and Baldwin Breadwinner had an allergic reaction, hurting her stars badly.

Otherwise, the Crabs ended the regular season first in the Mild League with only 335 runs scored over 99 games, and 217.4 runs allowed.

The Crabs ended up sweeping the postseason and ending with a victory against the "perennial loss champions" of old, the LA Unlimited Tacos which included former Crab batter Valentine Games. This was in thanks to a massive overperformance by Breadwinner, who outshone her stars considerably, and earning her first championship ring alongside Jacoby Podcast who played an incredible first season, and Evelton McBlase II who was also there.

Election

In honour of their new status as “the black hole team” the Crabs went all out and won the Unholey Blessing to match their new team evolution of Carcinization. They were also finally able to revoke Evelton McBlase II from their lineup, and traded out Baldwin Breadwinner for the Miami Dale’s Logan Horseman.

The Crabs also won the Credit to the Team modification for Adalberto Tosser, who was at the time their worst pitcher.

Season 14: Same as it Ever Was

Season record: 38-61
Postseason Record: 2-3

The Crabs finished 5th in their division matching their season 1 record. This marked the first time they ever reached party time, and reaped the effects of the Enhanced Party Time Decree. Many congratulated their Miami Dale trade Logan Horseman for helping the Crabs learn to cut loose after so many seasons of cutthroat competition. Over the course of the regular season Crabs players made several trips elsewhere from being swept off base. Notably there was:

  • Parker Parra who was gone for only 2 innings, never missing an at-bat.
  • Luis Acevedo who was gone for 49 days, tying for the single season record.
  • Tot Fox who was swept away on Day 87, and did not manage to return before the end of the season.

Amongst all this, The Crabs were also able to see some familiar faces in a series of three games against the Shoe Thieves where haunted batter Esme Ramsey was inhabited by all three incinerated Crabs; Nora Perez, Combs Duende, and Tillman Henderson.

Despite finishing in the bottom 4 of the league the Crabs won the mild card, sending them to the Internet Series where they won against the San Francisco Lovers, then ended their season by getting swept by the Canada Moist Talkers. During the series Pedro Davids was swept elsewhere, and did not return before the end of the season.

Election

While receiving no blessings in the election, the Crabs were able to:

Finally with their third will they also Plundered recently deceased York Silk from the Hall of Flame, sending Enid Marlow to the shadows, much to the surprise of everyone - most of all the Baltimore Crabs.

Season 15: Redacted

Season record:71-28
Postseason record:4-4

Despite the Crab’s strong start, season 15 was devastating for the team. To focus on some of the positives of the situation. Pedro Davids returned from Elsewhere, and immediately hit a 2-run home run on Day 2 of the regular season, and Tot Fox followed suit on Day 33, returning as --- -o-, and politely waiting until her third at-bat to score a solo home run. Team captain Kennedy Loser was also the first on the team to try out the Grind Rails - successfully landing the first trick for the Baltimore Crabs.

As the season went on however, fans were saddened by the loss of team favourite and one of only 5 original Crabs remaining on the team, Forrest Best, who was redacted late in the season. This on top of numerous consumer attacks on Nagomi Mcdaniel, Alyssa Harrell, York Silk, Adalberto Tosser, and Brock Forbes, were tough on a team already fighting off their curse from Day X. Not willing to give up yet, they took their place in the postseason.

In the third game against the Mints in the semi finals disaster struck, as both Harrell and Mcdaniel were attacked by consumers once more, reducing their Soul to 0, and removing them from the team. After losing the game the team made a comeback against the Kansas City Breath Mints, taking the semi finals, and lasted one round against the Overperforming Moist Talkers with Brock Forbes locking down the bases, and Silvaire Roadhouse hitting a three-run homerun to secure their victory.

Despite losing their three strongest players in the season, the Crabs were not ready to give up just yet. If they could survive Gods and Ascension, they could survive this.

Election

In the Season 15 Elections, the Crabs managed to secure 0 Blood, possibly removing their blood, but with the added bonus of working against their long help curses from Day X.

Changes to the Crabs Roster were:

  • Squid Galvanic was also able to return to the Crab’s shadows in safety.
  • While he managed to shake off his Flinch, Kennedy Loser became Haunted.
  • Parker Meng joined up from the San Francisco Lovers, and unfortunately despite being a talented pitcher she did join the lineup.
  • Parker Parra was traded with longtime ace Brock Forbes leaving Forbes on the Flowers, and Parra pitching for the Crabs.
  • Luis Acevedo was traded for the up and coming Jacoby Podcast sending them off to Ohio to pitch for the Worms. Before they left however, Luis was able to pick up an infusion from the Worms, though it stands to see what the effect of this will be.
  • Finally, York Silk was called back to the Canada Moist Talkers who sent Fish Summer in their place.

With a staggering 8 roster changes since the start of the season, the Crabs were left with a 6 person lineup, and a 4 pitcher rotation, with only 6 players unchanged from Season 14.

Season 16: Ghosts

With the loss of co-captains Forrest Best and Brock Forbes, as well as Kennedy Loser’s new haunting issue, Pedro Davids put his foot down and had Loser step down as acting captain for the season. Davids then recruited Silvaire Roadhouse and newcomer Parker Meng to assist in keeping the team, and the city, together. Naturally it quickly became a group effort across the team and many of the remaining roster were given a moment to shine.

Silvaire Roadhouse became the first player to recover a redacted batter as she spotted Brisket Friendo and immediately hit a 2 run home run to bring them into the Crab’s Shadows. When asked to comment she simply responded that she “Reckons this makes [her] a better PI than Plasma”.

Combs Duende steals second base.

Kennedy Loser’s haunting reunited him with some old friends including Nora Perez, Combs Duende, Tillman Henderson, and Firefighter Joshua Butt. Not only was this an opportunity to reconnect with old friends and confide in former captains, but it also offered Duende a chance to fulfill a play long coming, as she successfully stole second base.

Meanwhile Tot Fox was able to activate the team’s first Black Hole against the Canada Moist Talkers with Silvaire Roadhouse following suit later in the season. Notably this was also the pair that activated the league’s first ever Black Hole back in the Season 10 finals.

Pitcher Luis Acevedo was able to just barely beat out their first game against their husband Tot Clark who was pitching for the Seattle Garages. Notably Clark did win their next matchup, but Acevedo insists only the first one counts.

moments before a disaster

After the building of the Salmon Cannons in during the Late Siesta, Fish Summer was the first player to demonstrate their functionality as they were launched out of a game with the Seattle Garages and into Elsewhere. Pedro Davids followed suit several games later against the Hawai'i Fridays, and unfortunately was not able to return before the end of the season, making this the second off-season that he has spent Elsewhere.

In other parts of the league, former Crab Forrest Best was spotted appearing from a Secret Base, and managed to steal third before being rudely interrupted by Patel Beyonce of the Dallas Steaks hitting a home run. Brock Forbes and Jacoby Podcast were also given a chance to reunite from mentor and mentee to rival pictures for the Boston Flowers and Ohio Worms, with Forbes beating out Podcast in extra innings by two points. After a reverb of the Flower’s rotation order, Forbes and Podcast had the opportunity for a rematch, where Forbes once again won out by two runs in extra innings.