The Philly Pies are a Blaseball team in the Mild High division of the Mild League. They have been a part of Internet League Blaseball since Season A. The Pies are two-time Internet Series champions, winning the title in Seasons 1 and 2. They were previously in the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League prior to the league reorganization in the Season 5 elections, and then in the Mild Low division of the Mild League until being swapped in the Season 10 election.
- Cedric Gonzalez (Season 2, Day 93; replaced by Peanut Holloway)
- Juan Rangel (Season 3, Day 5; replaced by Eduardo Woodman)
- Forrest Bookbaby (Season 6, Day 21; replaced by Alston Cerveza)
- Mickey Woods (Season 6, Day 95; replaced by Jaxon Buckley)
- Hobbs Cain (Season 8, Day 10; replaced by Rai Spliff)
- Yeong-Ho Benitez (Season 10; Day 13, replaced by Yusef Puddles)
- Bright Zimmerman (Season 24; Day 26, replaced by Scouse Bedazzle)
- Peanut Holloway (Season 24; Day 67, replaced by Will Statter Jr.)
- Morrow Wilson (Season 4, Day 37; replaced by Yeong-Ho Benitez)
- Spears Taylor (Season 4, Day 43; replaced by Jessica Telephone)
- Alston Cerveza (Season 6, Day 82; replaced by Hobbs Cain)
- Nolanestophia Patterson (Season 8, Day 21; replaced by Lang Richardson)
- Rai Spliff (Season 8, Day 27; replaced by Summers Pony)
- Alyssa Harrell (Season 8, Day 90; replaced by Eduardo Woodman)
- Summers Pony (Season 8, Day 102; replaced by Farrell Seagull)
- Betsy Trombone (Season 9, Day 7; replaced by Jaylen Hotdogfingers)
- Jaylen Hotdogfingers (Season 9, Day 21; replaced by Henry Marshallow)
- Bright Zimmerman (Season 13, Day 41; replaced by Doc Anice)
- Kaz Fiasco (Season 20, Day 5; replaced by Jacoby Podcast)
- Jacoby Podcast (Season 20, Day 92; replaced by Greer Lott)
Blessings and Trades
- August Mina (Season 1, traded to the Dallas Steaks; replaced by Jessica Telephone)
- Kevin Dudley (Season 3, traded to the Charleston Shoe Thieves; replaced by Forrest Bookbaby)
- Kennedy Cena (Season 9, sent to the Miami Dale's shadows; replaced by Jode Preston)
- Jessica Telephone (Season 9, Day X, stolen by THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS; no replacement)
- Peanut Holloway (Season 9, Day X, stolen by THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS; no replacement)
- Farrell Seagull (Season 12, traded to the Ohio Worms; replaced by Huber Frumple)
- Nicholas Mora (Season 13, traded to the Hades Tigers; replaced by Nerd Pacheco)
- Elvis Figueroa (Season 15, traded to the Hellmouth Sunbeams; replaced by Zack Sanders)
- Jessica Telephone (Season 15, traded to the Hades Tigers; replaced by Usurper Violet)
- Zack Sanders (Season 16, traded to the Hellmouth Sunbeams; replaced by Elvis Figueroa)
- Elvis Figueroa (Season 19, traded to the Hellmouth Sunbeams; replaced by Kaz Fiasco)
- Greer Lott (Season 20, traded to the Canada Moist Talkers; replaced by Beans McBlase)
- Doginic Burgertoes (Season 21, traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings; replaced by Huber Frumple)
- Huber Frumple (Season 21, traded to the Mexico City Wild Wings; replaced by Kline Nightmare)
- Dudley Mueller (Season 22, traded to the Ohio Worms; replaced by Clove Mahle)
- Tad Seeth (Season 22, traded to the Charleston Shoe Thieves; replaced by Ren Hunter)
- Lang Richardson (Season 22, stolen by the Seattle Garages; no replacement)
- Javier Lotus (Season 23, stolen by the LA Unlimited Tacos; no replacement)
Faded to Dust
Phantom Thieves' Guild Heists
- Mummy Cantburn (Season 23, Day 1, stolen by The Gleek Thieves' Guild.)
- Bambi Perez (Season 23, Day 39, stolen by The Big Garage Thieves' Guild.)
On Season 1 Day 74, the Philly Pies matched up in the second leg of a 3 game series with the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Scoring 21 unanswered runs, this sparked a time honored Philly tradition of beating the absolute Philling out of teams in the second legs of 3 game series. Many say that this game was the spark the led to their historic Pennant winning title in the inaugural season of Internet League Blaseball.
On Season 2 Day 83, the Philly Pies matched up in the second leg of a 3 game series with the Seattle Garages, the Pies set a season-record victory, shutting out the Garages on the back of excellent pitching by Nicholas Mora, while piling on 16 runs of their own. After a heartbreaking loss in game 1 of the series, where the Pies closed 5 points of a 7 point deficit in the bottom of the eighth, and stranded two runners in the bottom of the 9th, the Pies had revenge on their minds. Lead off hitter Juan Rangel got the night started with a single, loading the bases for a Grand Slam from Elvis Figueroa. The remainder of the starting lineup proceeded to score without the Garages getting a single out, leading to an historic 9-0 lead after only the first inning.
The Pies would proceed to score 7 additional runs, featuring home runs by Jessica Telephone and Beasley Day, while conceding nothing, to set a league record 16-0 blowout of the Garages. When asked about what inspired their excellent performance, Beasley responded "Woof," before proceeding to go get the ball again.
On Season 12, Day 33, the Philly Pies matched up for the final game of a 3 game series with the Charleston Shoe Thieves, As both Pies pitcher Bright Zimmerman and Thieves pitcher Tillman Henderson were known for letting in runs, fans were expecting a high scoring game, but did not expect the Pies to break their season 1 blowout record. Bright Zimmerman did not let in any runs for the first 7 innings, and only one run in the entire game. Meanwhile every member of the Pies lineup scored at least one run, with 11 runs being scored in the fourth inning alone. The final score beat the previous record set for the largest point differential by 3 runs and raised Henderson's ERA for that season by 1.
In Season 1, the Philly Pies went 53-46 in the regular season and entered the post season as the #3 seed in the Evil League. The Pies swept the #2 seeded Breckenridge Jazz Hands (57-40 in the regular season). The Pies then faced the Houston Spies (53-44 in the regular season) in the Evil League Championship Series and won the series 3-0, including a 17 inning thriller with the winning run scored on a solo HR by Cedric Gonzalez and a shut out inning by Betsy Trombone. In the Internet Series, the Pies faced the Chicago Firefighters. The Pies continued their winning ways with another 3-0 sweep for win the first Internet Series without losing a game in the post-season.
The Pies concluded their second season with a score of 61-38, placing them as the #2 seed in the Evil League and advancing them to the playoffs. Following in the footsteps of Season 1, the Pies swept the first round against the Canada Moist Talkers (55-44 in the regular season), winning 3-0. They then continued their undefeated streak into their second Evil League Championship Series against the Breckenridge Jazz Hands (55-22 in the regular season), winning their second consecutive Evil League Champion title. After a surprising upset in the first round of the championship finals, where the Charleston Shoe Thieves (50-49 in the regular season) clinched the first game, the Pies bounced back to win their second Internet Series title, winning 4-1.
Season 3 concluded with the Pies going 53-46 in the regular season, securing their place as the #2 seed in the Evil League. The Pies went up against the Canada Moist Talkers (53-46 in the regular season) in the first round, winning 3-2. They were defeated by the Hades Tigers in the Evil League Championship Series, losing 3-2.
Despite holding two championship titles, Pies flans have been known to refer to their team as "the Underdogs" even if their team is favored to win or indeed have already won. This was believed to start midway through Season 2, but gained traction in the flan base with a popular GIF in Season 3. If anyone questions the use of this phrase the worst performing hitter on the team is contractually obligated to crawl beneath Beasley Day and say "See, we're literally under dogs! Ha ha ha!" (The contract states the player must use exactly three "ha's").
- Spears Taylor's suffering an allergic reaction on Day 98 of Season 3, lowering the rating of the hitter from ★★½ to ★ immediately before the postseason.
- Ruslan Greatness, of all people, repeatedly striking out Jessica Telephone in Game 1 of the Evil League Championship Series, clinching a win for the Pies.
- The creation of Philladeltrix: The Marquis of Pain.
- The sitcom/documentary My Roomie Ruslan, starring Ruslan Greatness and Morrow Wilson, wins seven Emmys.
The Pies received the Best Offense blessing in the Season 4 elections, which swapped the Pies best pitching hitter, Elvis Figueroa, and their worst pitcher, Forrest Bookbaby. During feedback Morrow Wilson was swapped for Yeong-Ho Benitez, and Spears Taylor was swapped for Jessica Telephone. The latter resulted in much rejoicing.
Season 6 saw the incineration of flan favorites Mickey Woods and Forrest Bookbaby, as well as the shelling of star batter Jessica Telephone. Newly joined player Alston Cerveza was also quickly feedback swapped for Hobbs Cain. This run of bad luck lead many flans to claim they had been "jokerified" - developing an anarchic desire to tear down society and the blaseball system in general. At the end of Season 6, the Mutually Arising blessing improved the Pies' overall rating by 2%.
Due to the Mild Low Blood Bath criteria, Jessica Telephone's shelling, and the new Enhanced Party Time decree, many Pies flans saw this as a good opportunity for the team to tank this season. When Telephone was pecked out of her shell by birds in game 63, the Pies were well on their way to one of the worst records in the league, which they continued to a 41-58 record and an early party time that led them to a number of Enhanced Party Time buffs. Unfortunately for the Pies, the Blood Bath was postponed indefinitely. The Pies won no blessings in Season 7, but the Fridays' blessing The Shame Bubble blessing gave every team outside of Mild Low targeted shame.
The Pies were fairly middle-of-the-pack in Season 8, rising to the top of Mild Low with a decent record, and benefiting occasionally from The Shame Bubble. Notably, the fourth slot curse continued with an incineration and a two feedbacks (one in the postseason), and an unusual number of flans were reported re-enrolling in high school.
On day 36 of the season, on an otherwise normal game against the Shoe Thieves, Pies flans waited with bated breath. Jessica Telephone had been hit by a pitch from Jaylen Hotdogfingers earlier that week, and the flickering shadow of the Microphone hung over the stadium. Luckily, the game came to pass without any feedback, and the city of Philadelphia breathed a sigh of relief.
Yet another close call with the Microphone occurred on day 90, when star player Eduardo Woodman flickered away to the Hawai'i Fridays in the top of the 2nd. After significant backlash, the Microphone reconsidered its choice and in the bottom of the 4th Woodman flickered back onto the team. Eduardo later said that he "was grateful for the short vacation" but had no intention of leaving the Pies.
The Pies barely snuck into the postseason, tying the Wild Wings’ record but beating them in divine favor. Tragically, Jessica Telephone, who had been unshelled since Season 7, was re-shelled before the postseason began. Despite this, the Pies proceeded to surprise viewers by sweeping the Garages in the first set of playoff games, in the process taking Farrell Seagull with a Feedback trade.
In the semifinals, however, the Tigers quickly took the first two games. Needing to win the next three games, the Pies were able to take game three and four despite being poorly favored, in the latter shaming the Tigers by two runs in the bottom of the 9th.
Despite the -2 point deficit, the Tigers quickly took the lead in game five with 9 unanswered runs, bringing the score to 0-7 by the bottom of the 4th. Philly flans prayed the birds would free Jessica Telephone so she could lead the team to victory, yet she never emerged from her shell. Not giving up, the Pies did their best to even the score with 3 runs in the following inning, 1 run in top of the 7th, and 2 runs in the top of the 8th, bringing the score to 6-7. But just when it looked like the Pies had a chance to win, Peanutiel Duffy hit a 2-run home run for the Tigers. In the top of the 9th, Beasley Day hit a 2-run home run of his own, but the Pies were unable to gain the single run needed to tie the game. The game ended 8-9, sending the Pies to Party Time.
Following the Season 9 election, the Pies were subject to Fifth Base and Targeted Shame.
In the Season 12 elections, the Pies received the Infuse will, boosting Ruslan Greatness's stats, and the Exchange will, trading Farrell Seagull to the Ohio Worms for Huber Frumple. After the addition of Frumple the Pies' lineup became known as, "Jewlers' Row," because it was full of gems.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Staff and Notable Figures
- Hoagie Schuylkill - Head Coach
- Sam Hinkie - General Manager
- Tastykake Stadium, a.k.a. "The Oven" - Stadium
- The City of Philadelphia - Owner/Team Mom
- The Philadelphia Philling - Mascot
Each season, Pies head coach and award-winning pastry chef, Hoagie Schuylkill, hosts the reality show "Pie Coach," in which participants compete in a variety of coaching and baking tasks, serving both as the Pies' coaching staff and the stadium vendors in this time. The finalists coach the team through the postseason, and, when the program is over, a winner is given funds to start their own bakery with Schuylkill's seal of approval.
Since the incineration of Cedric Gonzalez in season 2, the first such suffered by the Pies, it has become the tradition to create a commemorative pie for each incinerated player, baked with their ashes, to sell from the stadium concession stands. These items turned out to be very popular, and frequently outsell the initial source of ashes, requiring the player to be cloned and reincinerated for the necessary ash to be obtained for maximum respectful profit.
The incinerated players' commemorative pies are as follows:
- Cedric Gonzalez: Peach and apple pie, topped with a sprinkling of sugar and ash
- Juan Rangel: Mississippi mud pie with an Oreo and ash crust
- Forrest Bookbaby: Shoo fly pie with an ash crumb topping
- Mickey Woods: Apple fried pie with ashed glaze
- Hobbs Cain: Gooseberry pie with cinnamon and ash
- Yeong-Ho Benitez: Coconut cream pie with ash-black meringue
Though she was feedbacked and not incinerated while on the Pies, Jessica Telephone was known to remark, "bro I know we all get baked into pies when we die but what if the Pies get baked on me when I die... I'm saying to put my ashes into a monster spliff & all smoke it."
Fourth Slot Curse
Since Season 6, the fourth slot in the Pie’s batting lineup has been held by a rapidly changing succession of players.
|1||Forrest Bookbaby||Incinerated||Season 6, Day 21|
|2||Alston Cerveza||Feedback Swapped||Season 6, Day 82|
|3||Hobbs Cain||Incinerated||Season 8, Day 10|
|4||Rai Spliff||Feedback Swapped||Season 8, Day 27|
|5||Summers Pony||Feedback Swapped||Season 8, Day 102|
|6||Farrell Seagull||Traded||Season 12, Elections|
This period also spanned the loss of beloved players Mickey Woods and Nolanestophia Patterson, as well as the Shelling of star batter Jessica Telephone. While easily dismissed as a run of bad luck, many flans believe the frequent turnover of cleanup hitters indicates the fourth slot in the Pies’ lineup is cursed.
Some theorists believe the original source of the curse was a bad peanut eaten by former Pies pitcher Kevin Dudley, which reduced his performance and soured his reputation among the flans. When the flanbase later voted to trade Dudley out of spite, he supposedly cursed the second spot in the pitching rotation as revenge for his mistreatment. Forrest Bookbaby is believed to have inherited the curse as part of the trade. However, when the flanbase again intervened to swap the much more capable Elvis Figueroa into the pitching rotation, the curse followed Bookbaby into the lineup.
According to sources within the Pies organization, the team was careful not to mention any of this around cleanup hitter Summers Pony, formerly of the Dallas Steaks, who spooks easily. Pony was unaware of the curse right up until their Flickering and subsequent Feedback swap.
Bake, Rattle, and Roll
Bake, Rattle, and Roll (also known as BRR Fest) is a combination charity bake sale/benefit concert originally conceived by pitcher Henry Marshallow after Season 9. Held between seasons since its inception, the event is a cooperative effort between the Philly Pies and the Seattle Garages, and invites participation from both teams’ current and former players. The rules of the event dictate that anyone who has played as a Pie but not a Garage must perform live music, anyone who has played as a Garage but not a Pie must make pie, and any player who has played on both teams must only assist with the administration and logistics for the event.
Have more Pies fan art? Add it at Philly Pies/Fan Art!
Logo by Cobaltcakes
From left to right: Nicholas Mora, Mickey Woods, Morrow Wilson, in Hades forms. Image courtesy of @bothpalms
From left to right: Ruslan Greatness, Mickey Woods, Spears Taylor. Art by @jayvalentinew
|Stats||Season||1 · 2 · 3 · 4|
|Staff||Sam Hinkie · The City of Philadelphia · The Philadelphia Philling|
|Places||Jessica Telephone Memorial Skatepark|
|History||Philly Pies' History · Philladeltrix: The Marquis of Pain · My Roomie Ruslan · Philly Pie|
|Fan Culture 📣 · Fan Works 💌 · Tlopps Cards 🃏|
|Pie or Die.|