My Roomie Ruslan
My Roomie Ruslan is a contemporary blaseball sitcom/documentary TV show centered around former Philly Pies player Morrow Wilson and their unwanted roommate Ruslan Greatness. The show has proven to be a critical and commercial success, despite Wilson’s repeated attempts to have it cancelled.
After a particularly long game during the second season, Philly Pies relief fielder Morrow Wilson returned to their room at the Powelton Village commune to discover fellow Pies pitcher Ruslan Greatness asleep on their couch. Over the next several days Wilson tried repeatedly to get the 7ft bodybuilder to vacate their room but Greatness refused, repeatedly stating that “this home now.”
During practice Wilson would complain to their other teammates about all the annoying habits, shenanigans, and misadventures their unwanted roommate dragged them into. Pies batter Eduardo Woodman decided to stay over at Wilson’s place to see if things were as wild as they claimed. “That night I was exposed to previously unseen levels of comic zaniness,” Woodman later recalled. “It was crystalized sitcom wackiness.”
Using iPhone footage captured from his night at Wilson’s, Woodman created a pilot for My Roomie Wilson and showed it to several of his Hollywood contacts. Almost immediately the show was picked up for six seasons. Cameras were installed in Wilson’s room and a crew was hired to follow both them and Greatness around, filming at all times.
My Roomie Ruslan premiered to critical acclaim, with viewers praising it for its absurdist humor, lovable characters, and funny buff dudes. Despite their newfound fame, Wilson did not appreciate being filmed 24/7. They sued Woodman and the producers to have My Roomie Ruslan taken off the air. However, after viewing an episode of the show (S2 Ep 9: Ruslan Takes Manhattan) the judge ruled that Wilson had to “make more of this [expletive] comedy gold and inject it into my veins!”
Wilson continues to fight to have the show cancelled and for Greatness to move out of their room. “Please,” pleaded Wilson as they accepted the Emmy for best actor in a comedy. “I just want my couch back.” The only response was thunderous applause.
- S1 Ep 5: Double Booked. Today’s the day Morrow will host their monthly Magical Literature Book Club but Ruslan has scheduled his Anvil Lifting Club to meet at the same time! Can the two combine their love of books and weight-lifting so everyone wins? This episode features the first use of Ruslan’s signature catchphrase “Please forgiving Ruslan.”
- S2 EP 10: Bad Day at Bethany Beach. Morrow goes to the beach on a date, only to find Ruslan digging up the place looking for a cache of fitness DVDs he buried there in XX95. Greatness’s swimsuit attire in this episode caused the show to be banned in three countries.
- S3 EP 4: Paging Dr. Ruslan. When Morrow is knocked out with the flu it’s up to certified nutritionist Ruslan Greatness to nurse him back to health. Greatness’ rendition of “Conshohocken Lullaby” in this episode, would go on to win a Grammy for best heavy metal single.
- S3 Ep 12: For Whom the Liberty Bell Tolls. With the last Onslaught Opal placed into the crucible, the seal is broken and Philladeltrix starts to transform the land into a phantasmagoria of crust and cheesesteaks. With the rest of the team trapped in the Hellmouth, it’s up to Morrow and Ruslan to team up and save the city.
- S4 Ep 1: No Place Like Home. Morrow is excited to finally move into a new city away from Ruslan after Feedback (and definitely not their cover being blown) causes them to switch teams to the Houston Spies. However it turns out that their new team wants them to keep living in Powelton Village "due to their current location's strategic and comedic value." Ruslan makes some homemade rocket skies to speed up his roommates new multi-state commute while Morrow just stares blankly into the distance.
- S6 Ep 10: Ruslan's Rager. With Mickey Woods incinerated, Morrow can actually complete his mission to steal the Pies DNA. However the only time they have access to the entire Pies lineup is during the massive party Ruslan is throwing to celebrate a successful tank season. The moves featured on this episode lead to Ruslan being asked to compete on several reality dance shows, to which he responded "No reality show. Only sitcom."
- S8 Ep 1: Horsing Around. Summers Pony's first episode on the show. The addition of pony was looked at skeptically by both critics, who think late cast additions to sitcoms are almost always shark jumps, and by Wilson, who was unsure if the musclebound horse could even fit through the door. However scenes of Ruslan pushing the horse on skates around the city soon charmed even the harshest of critics and Pony would go on to win and eat the emmy for best supporting actor in a comedy series"
My Roomie Ruslan: The Mlovie
During the Siesta following Blaseball Season 8, My Roomie Ruslan was adapted into a feature film. Despite being completely unscripted, the film managed to contain a coherent plot, large amounts of celebrity cameos and a heartwarming message about friendship. Original theatrical run time is 1 hour and 45 minutes but a 168 hour directors cut is available on blu-ray. Director Eduardo Woodman is quoted as saying. “Listen I felt bad cutting any of it. Ruslan even sleeps hilariously”. The film would go on to win several awards, but be snubbed at the Olscars because they hate comedies.
The plot of the film consists of a road trip taken by Greatness and Wilson to retrieve former housemate and pies player Summers Pony, who had been feedback swapped to the Seattle Garages during the Season 8 postseason. Due to Ruslan’s broken GPS, the two are led through nearly every other stadium in Blaseball, including those clearly not between Philly and Seattle. They even end up briefly in The Hall of Flame, where former pies batter Mickey Woods gives perhaps one of the best performances of the film. Along the way they are pursued by the Turnip crime family, who are enraged that Wilson is making films without their permission. The two eventually reach Seattle,and Ruslan realizes that Summer’s Pony is perfectly happy where he is and that Wilson had been his best friend all along. He then saves Wilson from the Turnips and the film ends with the two giving each other a friendly hug. Morrow would go on to say that the hug was only meant to thank Ruslan for saving his life, not as an endorsement of them being friends.
During a Feedback event on Day 37 of Season 4, the Spies organized the swap of Wilson to the Spies. Then-Houston Spies player Yeong-Ho Benitez ripped the "S" from the word "Spies" on their uniform and placed it in front of the "Pies" on Wilson's, signifying an official swap of the two players. Fans have speculated Wilson went along with this either because they were a Spies agent returning to HQ or because they were looking for a way to leave My Roomie Ruslan. Unfortunately for Wilson, the sustained hijinks of My Roomie Ruslan had created an anomalous effect around their apartment that caused the area to follow TV sitcom rules and logic, with an adherence to the status quo that led all attempts at freeing Wilson to go wrong in humorous ways.
The Spies mounted a multi-season operation to extract Wilson from the show. The plan resulted in several award-winning episodes as multiple Spies - including Agents Reese Clark, Fitzgerald Blackburn, and Theodore Holloway - tried and failed to carry out the mission. Each was comedically foiled. For example, in S8 EP9: Teddy Troubles, Agent Holloway attempted to lie in wait in their teddy bear form in the messy apartment, only to forget the differences in time zones. Upon reverting to their human form too early, they were chased out of the apartment by a rolling pin wielding Greatness wearing a tiny cap and nightgown.
Eventually these shenanigans led to Wilson’s last episode on the show, S9 EP12: Scooting Away With Scott. In the episode Denzel Scott overcomes the anomalous effect surrounding Wilson's apartment due to their average nature and resistance to strange phenomena. The episode starts with Scott walking into Wilson's apartment during filming and saying "I don't know what all these cameras are for, but would you like to leave, Morrow?" Wilson nods and the camera switches back to show Scott replaced by a 2014 Volvo S60 in the middle of the set. Wilson enters the car and drives away. The episode lasts a total of 2 minutes and 37 seconds and set several primetime viewership records.
Wilson moved into an undisclosed studio apartment in Houston. When asked about how they were finding living alone after so much time with a roommate, Wilson said "It's been quiet, really. It's...almost too quiet."
Rumors of a Revival
Greatness was out of the apartment at the time of Wilson's departure and initially believed his roommate had been abducted by the Grimfalken - a boogeyman like creature from Conshocken folklore that Greatness made up. Under orders from executive producer Woodman to “keep this gravy train a rollin’ at all costs” the film crew followed Greatness as he frantically searched through Philadelphia leaving trails of slapstick chaos in his wake.
Eye-witnesses report that at some point Greatness's search was interrupted by Lang Richardson, who was looking for someone to run lines with. Since this encounter it has been rumored that Greatness and Richardson have started rooming together, though the exact situation is unknown. Eduardo Woodman has teased that fans should expect some big announcements soon.
Post Grand-Siesta Revival
Plans were made to revive My Roomie Ruslan almost as soon as it had ended. Several potential partners approached Ruslan with various ideas for reboots, sequels, and spin-offs. Thinking the contracts they handed him were requests for autographs, Ruslan signed the show rights over to everyone who asked. Soon multiple My Roomie Ruslan were in production, including the ones listed below.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
My Roomie Ruslan Revival
Ruslan-Senpai is My New Roommate?!
Ruslan-Senpai is My New Roommate?! Is an animated comedy tv show made in the style of Japanese anime. The only known copy of the show was found on an unmarked VHS tape lying in the Pies locker room. It appears to be someone’s attempt at making a spin-off of My Roomie Ruslan.
The show stars anime versions of the Philly Pies team, all of whom are voiced by the same unknown individual speaking in falsetto. The main character is Philling-chan, a young pastry who moved into the big city in pursuit of her dream of playing blaseball. Philling-chan goes to try out for the Philly Pies, but Hinkie-sensei only hires her as a towel boy. Undeterred, she vows to prove her worth to the team, but problems arise when she arrives back at her apartment to find Ruslan-senpai sleeping on her couch. What will the team think if they find out about her new roommate?!
What happens next on the show is unknown as 10 minutes into watching the tape the Pies team ejected it and had it ritually burned. It is not known who made Ruslan-Senpai is My New Roommate?! but judging by the insider knowledge it references the creator must be someone on the team.
“No one here admitted to making this… thing, but one of them has to be lying.” Said Woodman, before a look of horror crept across his face. “Unless the Philling made it, but’s that’s impossible… right?” When asked for comment the Philling merely clicked it’s heels and skedaddled out of the room.
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