August Obrien

From Blaseball Wiki

August Obrien is a lineup player for the Philly Pies, and has been with the team since Season 1.


Official League Records

Obrien joined the ILB as a player in the Shadows for the Philly Pies with the Return of Blaseball.

On Season 24, Day 30, Obrien joined the Pies' lineup in exchange for Haruta Byrd at Tastycake Stadium via the Ratified Voicemail.


COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

August O’Brien is an Irish-American Blaseball player who began her career with the Pies in season 1. She is notably not just a blaseball player, but Philadelphia's most renowned Phantom thief. O’Briens career as a phantom thief is notable for the fact that she does not only steal the standard fine art, casino earnings and shoes, but every item she needs in everyday life, such as groceries and household necessities.  People originally believed her heisting everything rather than just buying it was a form of anticapitalist Praxis, but in fact O'Brien simply is unaware of how to shop and believes heists are the best way to acquire objects.  In her view people mainly gather money as a collectible and that prices on objects were a “point value” for stealing them.  O’Brien gives her all to every heist, regardless of the “point value” of objects in question. For example, the destruction of the Equals Sun by O’Briens activation of it was in fact step 17 in an elaborate plan to steal some towels.  

Joining The Pies

The Pies became aware of August O’Brien when they broke into the Oven to steal the pies' prized championship rings and some hotdogs for dinner.  O’Brien managed to successfully infiltrate the park, even evading the Philling. However she was stopped just before taking the rings by Pies Captain Eduardo Woodman who allegedly launched into a speech about hard work so inspiring that O’Brien immediately signed up to join the team. As August had of course cut the cameras to that region as part of the heist, the details and true power of that speech are lost to history. Pies Management were initially upset that Woodman had wasted a truly great act of captaincy on a player like O’Brien, but warmed up once they realized that O’Brien did not understand the need to cash her paychecks, instead simply stealing them and keeping them as trophies.

On The Pies

August OBrien tends to act like a minor noble to seemingly excuse the eccentric clothes they tend to take in on their heists. They always wear a suit with other fancy attire. She believes that her fashion choices are so good, that they have invented many hip trends. This is far from the truth, but no player on the pies has the patience to convince her otherwise. OBrien also has a passionate hatred for the sun as she is very light sensitive. Due to this, she tends to wear sunglasses on and off the field. This causes her to be a bit more clumsy on the field when it turns dark.

They have a habit of tripping over the bases. This unfortunate pattern has led to many fans showing pity to her. Either out of spite or pure curiosity, they keep track of how many people have shown her pity in a notebook. It is unknown if there is anything else written inside. Anyone who has attempted to steal the book tends to get a fake copy with taunts written inside. Some accounts report after grabbing the false book, O'Brien appear behind them holding the real copy. After she laughs, she jumps out of the nearest window as an escape route. Looking outside of said window will result in no sign of OBrien.

Not once has OBrien showed up to a game on time, this is due to the fact she wants to be “fashionably late”. It is unknown whether they do this to fit their aesthetic or if she just has a bad perception of time. Despite always being late to games, OBrien always shows up with “The Squad”. “The Squad'' consists of 12 people who walk behind OBrien.  They have never spoke and their purpose is unknown to anyone besides O'Brien, though it has been speculated that they are either an elite heisting team or a polycule. This group does not appear to disrupt games and only seems to hype up OBrien’s appearances. Any attempt to communicate with them will only lead to awkward silences, some coughs, and a peculiar convergence of crickets. After games, OBrien walks off with “The Squad '' following behind. After turning a corner, everyone but OBrien seemingly disappears.

OBrien follows a strict “Thieves code” which the rules of are unknown. The only time this code is brought up is whenever the Pies go against the Shoe Thieves. OBrien tends to shout “Thieves code! You don’t encroach on another thief’s turf!” The Shoe Thieves seem to not understand what she is talking about, implying the “Thieves code” is purely fictional.

Outside of games OBrien tends to sit on Clove Mahle, a cabinet. This is the result of them believing they are the protector of the Mahle. Whenever they get struck out on the field, OBrien climbs inside of the Mahle to sulk. Whenever Mahle strikes out, OBrien is seen comforting the cabinet as it produces sad squeak noises from its hinges.