Jessica Telephone Memorial Skatepark

From Blaseball Wiki

COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Construction

The Jessica Telephone Memorial Skatepark began construction after Jessica Telephone was first shelled after Season 6. As this had never happened before, staff assumed that Telephone was dead and figured she had done enough for the team to deserve a memorial. It was also determined that it would be the perfect place to sell all of the leftover SKATE JUICE Telephone left behind. Construction ceased when Jessica Telephone was freed from the shell, but staff were retained as it was believed that her Superallergic condition could kill her at any moment. Construction resumed when Jessica Telephone was shelled for a second time, with staff absolutely certain she would die this time.

When it was revealed that Telephone was in fact still alive, merely under the control of The Shelled One, the staff decided that being controlled by a giant evil peanut was close enough to being dead for them to continue construction, especially considering how much money they had spent on advertising the skate park. While Jessica Telephone was freed from the Pod’s control and began playing for the Kansas City Breath Mints, the skatepark still opened after Season 12, with staff stating that they hadn’t seen Telephone since she was shelled for a second time, so she totally could be dead.

When Jessica Telephone returned to the team after Season 14, reactions from the staff were mixed. Some stated joy at having Telephone and her 5 stars back on the team. Some were quoted as saying “SHE IS THE ALBATROSS THAT HANGS FROM OUR NECK AND WILL NEVER ALLOW US TO KNOW PEACE” others simply buried their head in their hands and screamed and a few quietly mentioned that with the newly resurrected Chorby Soul and York Silk in the league, there may not be a problem for long. Regardless, the park remained open. When Jessica survived the season but was immediately traded to the Hades Tigers afterwards, staff responded only by laughing and crying at the same time.

Park Features

Alongside the standard features of a skatepark, the park also features memorials to other pies who have left the team, often scaled to how much the staff believed they contributed. Examples include the 50 foot tall Nolanestophia Patterson Memorial Climbing Wall, the combination Rai Spliff and Summers Pony Memorial Roller Rink and the Kennedy Cena Memorial Bench (currently broken). There is even the Alyssa Harrell Memorial sense of unease that floats around the park. Noticeably absent are memorials to the Pies that have been incinerated such as Hobbs Cain or Yeong-Ho Benitez. When asked about this, staff respond that they made enough money off those players through the sale of memorial pies, and thus have no need to use the park to monetize them.

Some controversy emerged around whether features should be built in the park to memorialize Doc Anice and Yusef Puddles, who while no longer playing for the Pies are still affiliated with the team. There was also discussion about changing the name of the "Peanut Holloway Memorial Snack Bar and Science Center" considering the fact that Holloway had rejoined the team. Staff responded by saying that they "Don't have an unlimited sign budget unlike you busybodies who keep trying to tell us how to run our skatepark."

Reception

The various grind rails and half pipes that populate the park are largely considered to be wildly unsafe. This is the main draw of the park for local teens, who consider being injured there to be a mark of status. Many concerned parents have attempted to sue the park over these injuries, but considering that one of the few places in the immaterial plane more dangerous than the park is the court system, these have largely been settled out of court.

After returning to Philly, Telephone herself started visiting the park regularly. Despite being the park’s name sake, she is rarely recognized while there and is assumed to just be another skater. When she is recognized, many believe that she is just a Jessica Telephone impersonator hired by the park, which they consider an extremely tacky move. When asked about the park she is quoted as saying “It’s great. I get in free cuz charging me admission would require admitting I exist. I can also bring my own SKATE JUICE rather than drinking their overpriced version. Glad to be back in town again.”

Nerd Pancheco has often criticized the park, pointing out the lack of even basic safety features such as fully repaired equipment and available safety pads. The park responded by launching an ad campaign that declared "safety is for NERDS" and featured an unflattering caricature of Pancheco. This became considered in very poor taste following Nerd's super allergic reaction in the Season 18 playoffs. The park decided to regain goodwill by opening the "Nerd Pancheco Memorial Helmets and Other Stuff for Weenies stand." Pancheco was unimpressed.