Alston Cerveza is a player for the Miami Dale, and has been with the team since Season 1, Day 92. Cerveza has played for the Philly Pies, Canada Moist Talkers, Hellmouth Sunbeams, and Baltimore Crabs.
Official League Records
Cerveza was traded to the Hellmouth Sunbeams in exchange for Richmond Harrison during the Season β16 elections via the Moist Talkers' Equivalent Exchange will. Due to the Baltimore Crabs' Carcinization modification, Cerveza briefly played for the team during Days 16 and 56 of the season. This allowed the team to place votes to trade Brisket Friendo to the Sunbeams in exchange for Cerveza via their Foreshadow will, and Cerveza retreated to the Crabs' Shadows resulting in a combined 13.6 → 14.2 stat increase. Cerveza then joined the Crabs' active lineup via the Time to Shine blessing.
Over the course of Season β23, Cerveza entered and exited the Crabs' Shadows two times as a result of Chesapeake Racetrack and Ballpark Fax Machine and Voicemail events, ending the Season on the pitching rotation.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Alston Cerveza is a hitter for the Philly Pies and heir to the Sir Veza Brewing Company. A true gentleman, Cerveza strikes a dapper figure on the Blaseball field with his luscious mustache, elegant top hat, and signature beer bottle cravat. He is always accompanied by his pet ferret Hops, who has his own matching miniature top hat and mustache. When this pair of rabblerousing men of leisure find themselves in a particularly tough spot they often stroke their mustaches in synch as they plan out their next move. Cerveza's clothes are always impeccably tailored, with nary a spot on them.
Rumor has it that Cerveza is set to be the star on the next season of the hit blaseball dating show The Blachelor.
Alston Cerveza was born in Reading, PA, to a family long considered a fixture in Reading’s large Puerto Rican community. He was “one of the hardiest babies we’ve ever seen,” according to one of the nurses on call at the time of his delivery, and uncorroborated reports state that he was born with a full head of hair. Shortly after his birth, a rogue ferret was reported in the maternity ward of the hospital, only to be found docile and sleeping next to the infant Alston. He had already made a friend for life - a friend he would later name Hops.
But all was not well in Reading. Young Alston’s parents perished in a mysterious fire at the Sir Veza Brewery, the family business that Alston was positioned to inherit. Rumor has it the fire was started by the Llynglyn Brewing Company, a criminal front operating out of Pennsylvania Welsh Country. It had long been suspected that the Llynglyns wanted to get their hands on the secret recipe for Sir Veza — a remarkable brew that is the key ingredient in enacting Enhanced Party Time.
After his parents' untimely demise, Alston was raised in Reading by the extended Cerveza family. This motley crew of many blood-related and adopted relatives alike included Alston's aunt Layla, an intergalactically renowned mechanic known more locally for being a world record holder in the categories of Quickest Oil Change and Fastest Tire Rotation. Alston reportedly worked as a "summer intern" at Layla's garage, and has credited her with teaching him to "only pilot a vessel [he] knows how to patch up before it explodes in mid-air."
Refresh the page to see more of the Cerveza extended family.
Though the Llynglyn company made various attempts on Alston's life during his childhood, a combination of his good fortune and his family's efforts kept him cheerfully unaware of these attempts until he inherited the Sir Veza Brewery at the age of eighteen. Alston had learned the Cerveza family's secret brewing recipes through oral tradition and studious note-taking, and now that he had become the face of Sir Veza, the Llynglyn company doubled down on their efforts to capture or eliminate him.
Since then, Cerveza and Hops have been on the run from the Llynglyn agents. Their days are full of near misses in Budapest hotels, fisticuffs on top of trains, and car chases through the streets of Center City. Through a mix of skill, luck, and guile, the ferrety gentleman and gentlemanly ferret have always managed to stay one step ahead of their dastardly foes. Recently the pair have taken to traveling through time on a coal-powered cogwork gyrocopter of Hops's design. Who knows where their adventures will take them next?
Starting in Philly
The Philly Pies were on the verge of bankruptcy after Forrest Bookbaby's mismanagement of the team's finances. At a team manager's meeting to discuss ways to remedy the situation, Cerveza crashed through the window on his gyrocopter and tossed a briefcase full of money on the table. "Gentleman," said Cerveza, dusting shards of glass off his cravat. "It seems like you have a new team sponsor."
Since then, Cerveza has joined the team as a hitter to fill out the roster. Despite being on the run from Welsh assassins, he has never missed a game. Flans have started looking forward to seeing Cerveza's last minute entrances onto the field, from parachuting out of ninja filled blimps to riding in on space whales.
Joining the Canada Moist Talkers
During Season 6, the Llynglyn brewing company's threats grew in desperation, and Cerveza grew concerned for his team. Cerveza offered to duel the CEO of Llynglyn for the rights to the Sir Veza Brewing fortune, but due to legal issues the duel was to be held in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, as Maritime Law is 90% about how duels are to be conducted. However, when the two gentlemen arrived in Halifax, Cerveza revealed his duel to be a ruse, as he explained that Sir Veza Brewing's Canadian subsidiary, Mole & Sons brewing, was completing a hostile takeover of Llynglyn brewing as they spoke. This buyout caused Mole & Sons to become larger than Sir Veza brewing, which under Canadian law made it the new parent company, forcing Cerveza to stay in Canada to oversee the company. After the hostile takeover was complete, a fraction of the surviving Welsh mob pursued Cerveza into Canada, where they setup shop as maple syrup pirates.
Cerveza has claimed that he acclimated quite quickly to being part of the Moist Talkers: "Sure they spit a lot but apparently here it's an act of endearment." Cerveza had a short lived friendship with Elijah Bates where the two bonded over their shared appreciation of the arts. After Bates's incineration, Cerveza stated "I didn’t know Bates for very long, but he certainly was a gentleman with excellent taste in the finer things." After a short ceremony, Eizabeth Elliott bequeathed Cerveza her brother's signature ascot and his signed copy of the Dlisney Vault Collection Hamilton DVD, which currently resides on Cerveza's mantle.
Despite still being pursued by the Welsh Mob, Cerveza has made time to truly embrace his new Canadian situation. Looking for some way to further dodge his pursuers, Cerveza claims to have had an epiphany and decided that a career in politics was the most prudent option. Starting in Season 10, Cerveza began his campaign for the position of Canadian President Minister (PM), a position that at the time did not exist.
Adopting the Canadian persona "Anthoine Servèse", Cerveza began throwing fliers into the stands while running the between bases during Blaseball matches. One of the collected fliers detailed a politcal platform based around "maple syrup, beavers and 'whichever ice sport you people like'." Running unopposed, Cerveza achieved an unsurprising landslide victory, but surprisingly, due to the amount of support he was able to rapidly accumulate, the Canadian federal government retroactively created the position for him, claiming "It simply would have been rude not to."
When not playing Blaseball, Cerveza adopts his PM role, donning a pair of unassuming glasses and a vocal opposition to spirits of any kind. Despite his new political responsibilities, Cerveza still continues to uphold his belief that "one must always have an escape plan" and has set up multiple alternate exits out of Gleek Arena which can be used at a moment's notice.
Joining the Baltimore Crabs
In the season 16 elections Alston Cerveza was a part of a most peculiar trade. Cerveza himself claims that he was halfway to the Hellmouth when he discovered a strange vortex and could not resist the adventure of finding out what it was, which led him to the Baltimore Crabs. Familiar with the team as he was from previous games, he was quick to fit in with the team using his skills at blaseball, rabble rousing, and the occasional bit of hooliganism to make fast friends. Cerveza even ran to be a part of the Baltimore city council, citing previous presidential experience in Canada. Cerveza was briefly able to reconnect with teammate Fish Summer before they were traded to Atlantis for the entirety of Montgomery County, which seemed odd but he had long since learned to not question these sorts of things.
Cerveza however, had doubts about his place here on the Crabs. Was it possible he was only appreciated for his skills? Was this somewhere he was liked and respected? Was he really going to stay in Baltimore? Between fast paced action and hijinks these questions haunted Cerveza until one day something came to him in a dream. The voice asked him if he wanted a way to answer his questions. Despite being familiar with these kinds of devils bargains Cerveza couldn’t resist, and while he felt no difference the first time he stepped up to the plate in season 20, the effects of this deal soon became obvious. By the end of the season Cerveza achieved a net of 0 Runs batted in for the Crabs, including a grand slam worth -4 runs and several losses that could be directly attributed to Cerveza. He thought for sure this would be a way out from the Crabs and a chance to start fresh in a new city as he was itching to. However to his surprise he stayed where he was. Teammate Adalberto Tosser seemed to laugh it off, mentioning that he had done far worse for the team before, and “no one has been able to make me stop pitching since we started”. By the end of the season Cerveza realized that maybe Baltimore was somewhere he could stay. When he decided to discuss this with Hops over the off season he discovered that he had already completed his own soul searching, and seemed to have embraced the Baltimore lifestyle alongside the Crab’s mascot Crab Scott, and that Hops seemed to be scuttling a lot more than he used to.
In season 21 Alston’s curse was lifted, and he was able to enjoy his team to the fullest. He could often be found enjoying dinner with Lorcan Smaht (which always ended in a chase sequence), movies with Zeruel Kramer (which always ended death defying stunts), and coffee dates with Enid Marlow (who, “just wanted to see a ferret solve crime but literally nothing ever happens when I hang out with Alston it sucks”). One other common companion for Cerveza was Kaz Fiasco, who had played very briefly for the Pies, and enjoyed the many bits of life advice and anecdotes from Cerveza, even if they were often in the form of implausible stories and tales about his adventures.
Another unexpected reunion came from seeing Squid Galvanic, who he was delighted to see again. When asked how they knew each other Galvanic simply responded “Oh you know how it is with Welsh assassins” and did not provide any further details. Galvanic’s children were likewise delighted to see Cerveza again, insisting on getting souvenirs from his many adventures, something that he happily provided as Galvanic applauded his great consideration as their godfather.
An Alternate Alston
In the season 22 election Alston Cerveza was Alternated, though to many it seemed as though there were no easy ways to identify what changes actually happened to Cerveza. When asked he simply responded “Oh you know how it is with Danish Assassins”. The only thing that did change for Cerveza was that he made the switch from a star batter for the Crabs to a member of their pitching rotation via the shadows. While he was there he made a quick stop to drop off souvenirs for the squidlets, the triplet squid children of Squid Galvanic. This is when most of the team discovered that Cerveza was in fact their godfather, and that he and Galvanic (the space pirate who had not set foot planetside until season 12) were old friends. After that aside Cerveza took up his position on the pitchers mound, though he made a point to always let hops take over when playing against the Kansas City Breath Mints, as Hops had a previous grudge against the city ever since The Spearmint left him at the altar all those years ago.
The Event Horizon
In season 24 Cerveza was hit particularly hard by the constant instability and eventual nullification of this home team, the Philly Pies - he himself had a complicated relationship with the Black Hole that originally brought him to Baltimore, but he found the one thing he was craving as the season came to an end was the opportunity to keep his new team ‘’’safe’’’. While he did consider the Vault to be the best option for his goal, after 8 seasons with the team he trusted Kennedy Loser’s judgment that sent them to the Horizon. After all, that is what led him to the team in the first place - it seemed a fitting way to end the era.
- When playing Blaseball, Cerveza's unassuming glasses are worn by Hops. When asked if this means that Hops has his own alternate identity, Hops refused to comment.
Alston Cerveza was mentioned in the following song(s):
- The Fourth Slot Curse by Tommy (@s00tsprite#6992)
Art by @wholeLotofWeird
Bates and Cerveza's Friendship by @Spiral_Joe
Alston Cerveza by Nic
Cerveza and Hops
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