Adalberto Tosser was a lineup player for the Boston Flowers, and was with the team from the Season 21 elections until being incinerated on Season 24, Day 4. Tosser previously played for the Baltimore Crabs, and also played for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial.
Official League Records
During the Season 5 election, Tosser received boosts in all ratings as well as a boost in baserunning as a part of the Crabs' Horde Hallucinations and Rollback Netcode blessings.
On Season 10, Day X, Tosser gained the Mild modification after the Crabs lost to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS. Due to the Crabs' Ascension, Tosser was absent from the ILB from the Season 10 elections until the Descension.
During the Season 12 elections, Tosser's defense was increased by 2.9 -> 3.6 as a result of the Crabs' The Rack blessing. Additionally, Tosser benefited from a 3.0 -> 3.6 increase to pitching as a result of the Firefighters' Tag Team Pitching blessing.
On Season 13, Day 63, Adalberto Tosser pitched a perfect game against the Kansas City Breath Mints, with 7 strikeouts in 9 innings. This was the 5th perfect game of the Expansion era. In that season's elections, Tosser received the Credit to the Team modification due to the Crabs winning the Rise and Grind blessing.
During the Season 21 elections, Tosser's Credit to the Team modification was reformed to Siphon as a result of the Crabs' Reform Will. Tosser was then traded to the Boston Flowers in exchange for Silvaire Roadhouse via the Flowers' Equivalent Exchange will, becoming a lineup player in the process.
Box of Adalberto Tosser Files
- Dust billows as the file box lands on the table. While many archives in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill are unified in some way, this... definitely isn’t one of them. The accompanying Rumor Registry explains all of the contents... wherever it is... but for now you grab the folder labelled IF-81.43 and start reading...
Tosser is beloved by countless blaseball fans but banned from almost every bar in town. His "rambunctious antics" off the field have made him something of a regular figure in the scandal pages and gossip blogs, but is it is largely agreed among fans and splorts journalists that this doesn't detract from his reputation as a solid, respectable, thoroughly middling player.
Tosser was born Adalberto Tossas in Pittsburg, Georgia to a Dominican-American family. He had no noticeable birth defects, however, as he grew older, his right arm began to grow at a much more rapid pace than his left. By the time he was turned 13, his arm had grown to 4 feet in length and showed no sign of stopping. It was at this point that his junior high school art teacher encouraged him to try out for high school blaseball.
Despite maintaining a 2.84 ERA in high school, Tosser opted to pursue art, rather than blaseball, in college, attending the Maryland Institute College of Art. He was expelled within his first year for creating a piece the college's dean could only refer to as "too perfect for human eyes." Following his expulsion, Tosser was quickly drafted by the Baltimore Crabs.
Certain followers of The Olde One believe that Tosser is not Adalberto's last name but rather a title bestowed on a chosen one in each generation. According to these beliefs, previous Tosser incarnations include bird fan Edgar Allan Poe and filmmaker John Waters.
Adalberto is said to have realised their Tosser destiny when a swarm of porcelain crabs emerged from their bathroom wall, shifted in the form of a giant eye and winked at him.
Since joining the Crabs, Tosser's right arm has continued to grow at a rapid pace. However, potentially as a byproduct of his carcinization, when the forearm reaches around 7 feet in length, with a violent crack, the segment bends at the center to form an additional elbow. The segmented upper arms, which at this point cease to grow further, are almost constantly folded in like an accordion. Tosser has immaculate balance despite his grossly asymmetrical frame.
Tosser's right forearm is 6 feet long below the elbow, and continues to grow at a rate of approximately 2 inches per year. This arm is widely attributed for being the key to his legendary pitching success, as demonstrated in the final game of Season 2. Tosser only pitches with his right arm, preferring to throw to teammates with his left arm after what other Crabs refer to as "The Swiss Cheese Incident."
Two popular fan chants associated with Adalberto Tosser are "Tosser's gonna toss ya' / 'em / it" and "Adal-berto" followed by two claps, spaced two beats apart, and then three claps, spaced 1/4 of a beat apart.
In XX43, Tosser pioneered the "hardball", a pitch exclusive to the Crabs in which the ball is filled with a small crustacean who pilots it on its way to the batter. The ball's pilot does not count as a player, as while the rulebook specifically allows crabs to play blaseball, there's no rules against them choosing not to even while technically participating in the splort.
Crabs poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Tosser:
Adalberto's arm has grown
And given him a mighty skill
That otherwise has been unknown
And each year a new milestone
As we discover it is still
The case his arm has grown
And Crab scribes say it is unknown
Is Tosser a title, from God's will
Or just a last name, all his own
His social scandal is full-blown
You’ll find him rowdy, drinking swill
And bragging of his arm that's grown
This arm delivers to the zone
And getting longer, we do thrill
It will continue 'til unknown
And I think it is clearly shown
His pitches may a player kill
We know his arm is not yet grown
And thus his future's all unknown
Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky
Tosser post season 9 day X by @Glassgoblin
An alternate take on Tosser by Toasthaste
Art of Adalberto Tosser by @Glassgoblin
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