The Hellmouth Sunbeams, formerly the Moab Sunbeams, are a professional Blaseball team based in Hellmouth, Utah. They have been a part of Internet League Blaseball since Season 1 and compete in the Wild Low division of the Wild League, having previously been members of the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League.
For a list of all former players, see Category:Former Hellmouth Sunbeams Players.
In Season 1, the Sunbeams went 40-59, coming in at 4th place in the Lawful Evil division.
In Season 2, the Sunbeams went 37-62 in the season, choosing not to advance to the postseason out of a spirit of splortsmanship and magnanimity.
In Season 3, the Sunbeams went 38-61 in the season, though the entire team felt like winners when the Hades Tigers won the Internet Series Championship.
In Season 4, the Sunbeams went 40-59, coming in 5th in the Lawful Evil division. In the Season 4 Election the team won the Precognition blessing, which improved Nagomi Nava, Emmett Internet, and Randall Marijuana's hitting by 20%.
In Season 5, the Sunbeams went 35-64, coming in 5th in the Lawful Evil division.
In Season 6, the Sunbeams went 47-52, coming 2nd place in the new Wild Low division. During the Season 6 Election, the Sunbeams won the Move the Mounds Closer blessing, which improved Wild Low's pitching by 10% and impaired their hitting by -5%. They also won the Vulture blessing, which stole the best player in the Wild Low, hitter Hahn Fox, from the Boston Flowers. They sent back hitter Alaynabella Hollywood. They were subjected to the Sharing Signs blessing, which improved Wild Low's hitting by 10% and impaired their pitching by -5%.
In Season 7, the Sunbeams went 54-45, their best posting to date and leaving them in Playofff contention until a record-breaking Game 99. During the Season 7 Election, the Sunbeams won the Downsizing blessing, and their worst hitter, Joe Voorhees retreated to the Shadows. They also won the Stickum blessing, which boosted the Defense of Hendricks Richardson, Hahn Fox, and Igneus Delacruz by 1 star each.
In Season 8, the Sunbeams went 59-40, topping the Wild Low division and entering the playoffs as the Wild League 2nd seed. They were swept 3-0 by the Houston Spies in the quarterfinals. During the Season 8 Election, the Sunbeams won the Base Instincts blessing, changing all players' blood types to Base and granting the team the Base Instincts modification.
In Season 9, the Sunbeams went 51-48, coming third in Wild Low division and entering the playoffs as 4th seed from the Wild League. They swept the Chicago Firefighters 2-0 in the Wild Card round of the postseason, advancing to Round 1, where they were swept 3-0 by the Baltimore Crabs. The Sunbeams were subjected to the Fifth Base, but protected by the Wild Low Shame Bubble. The Sunbeams also won the Mutually Arising blessing, which improved each team in the Wild Low division's overall rating by 2%.
In Season 10, the Sunbeams went 33-66, their worst season yet, reaching Party Time with the Hawai'i Fridays after Day 81. They were selected as a Season 10 Wild Card along with the New York Millennials, and swept the Unlimited Tacos 2-0 in the Wild Card round to advance to the Division Round. After being swept 3-0 by the Baltimore Crabs they returned to Party Time. During the Season 10 Election, the Sunbeams won the blessing titled The Nut Button, making the team no longer allergic to peanuts and making Sandoval Crossing Superyummy. They also won Divisional Walk in the Park, giving the entirety of the Wild Low division Walk in the Park. As a result of the Sharing Signs blessing won by the Unlimited Tacos, all of Wild Low had their hitting rating improved by 10% and their pitching rating impaired by -5%. The Sunbeams also received The Fourth Strike as a result of the Charleston Shoe Thieves winning the Tag-Team Fourth Strike blessing.
In Season 11, the Sunbeams went 68-39, finishing with the highest wins in the League. They swept the Houston Spies 3-(-1) in 2 games due to Sun 2 and Black Hole, then beat the Hades Tigers 5-3 in a six game series to win the Wild League championship. In the final, the Sunbeams went 3-1 against the Seattle Garages to become the Season 11 Internet Series Champions. In the Season 11 elections, the Sunbeams were assigned the Arcana XII The Hanged Man.
In Season 12, the Sunbeams finished with a record of 57-42 and 58 wins, placing them at the top of the Wild Low division. They beat the Breckenridge Jazz Hands 3-1 in the Division series, then were eliminated from the playoffs by the Hades Tigers after being defeated 1-3 in the Championship series. The Sunbeams also received the Trust and Plunder wills, giving Lars Taylor the Flippers modification, and plundering Aldon Cashmoney in return for Nerd Pacheco.
In Season 13, the Sunbeams finished with a record of 47-52 and 52 wins, placing them 5th in the Wild Low division. They entered Party Time on Day 93. During the Season 13 elections, the Sunbeams received the Infuse and Foreshadow wills, voting to infuse Nagomi Nava, and choosing to send Eugenia Bickle into the shadows in return for Jayden Wright. The Sunbeams also benefited from all four "Bubble" blessings: Pitching Flotation Bubble, Hitting Flotation Bubble, Defense Flotation Bubble, and Baserunning Flotation Bubble, which boosted all four primary stats by 4% each. Finally, the Sunbeams received the Peanut Butter blessing, giving Igneus Delacruz and Kaj Statter Jr. the Crunchy and Smooth modifications, respectively.
In Season 14, the Sunbeams finished with a record of 56-43 and 56 wins, placing them second in the Wild Low division. They entered the playoffs but were swept 3-0 by the LA Unlimited Tacos in the Division Series, eliminating them from contention. In the Season 14 elections the Sunbeams received the Foreshadow and Trust wills, choosing to send Sigmund Castillo into the shadows in exchange for Eugenia Bickle, and giving Nagomi Nava the Homebody modification.
In Season 15, the Sunbeams finished with a record of 58-41 and 58 wins, placing them first in the Wild Low division. They entered the playoffs but were swept 3-0 by the Mexico City Wild Wings in the Division Series, eliminating them from contention. In the Season 15 elections, the Sunbeams received the Equivalent Exchange and Foreshadow wills, sending Zack Sanders to the Philly Pies for Elvis Figueroa and sending Nagomi Nava to the shadows in exchange for Paula Reddick.
The Sunbeams won the Mulligan blessing which gave their worst hitter, Miguel James, the permanent modification of Fourth Strike. They also won the Running Practice blessing which boosted their lineup players' baserunning stars by 1 to 4%.
In Season 16, the Sunbeams went 42-57, placing them fifth in the Wild Low division. They entered Party Time on Day 84. During the Season 16 elections, the Sunbeams received the Equivalent Exchange and Foreshadow wills, voting to exchange Elvis Figueroa for Philly Pies pitcher Zack Sanders, and choosing to send Dudley Mueller into the shadows in return for Joe Voorhees.
The Sunbeams also won the blessings Posterizer and Handcrafted Cap Drop, which gave Paula Reddick the Ambitious modification and Jayden Wright the handcrafted cap item, Hat of the Feast, respectively.
In Season 17, the Sunbeams went 37-62, placing them in last place in the Wild Low division and in the bottom four of the League, making them eligible for Free Wills. They entered Party Time on Day 84. During the Season 17 elections, the Sunbeams received the Move, Foreshadow, and Equivalent wills. These moved a Shadowed Dudley Mueller to the lineup, sent Joe Voorhees into the shadows in exchange for Nagomi Nava, and exchanged Brisket Friendo for Seattle Garages batter Howell Franklin, respectively.
The Sunbeams also won four blessings this season: Buddies improved Hendricks Richardson and Nagomi Nava's Moxie by 15%; Blood Crate Drop awarded Kaz Fiasco the item Aluminium Blood Sunglasses; Last Not Least improved the Thawackability of Hahn Fox, Hendricks Richardson, and Nagomi Nava by 10%; and Set the Table moved Howell Franklin to position #3 in the lineup.
| COMMUNITY LORE|
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
For a timeline of notable events which have happened to the Hellmouth Sunbeams, see Hellmouth Sunbeams/History.
The Sunbeams are known for their great team chemistry, and relaxed vibes that may surprise some given their historically poor record of being good at Blaseball. Overall, the Sunbeams haven taken a philosophical approach to their poor performances in seasons past, rationalising that compared to the latent daily horror of life in the Immaterial Plane, the Blaseball League, and on the teetering lip of a pit dropping straight into hell, "being bad at Blaseball isn't worth losing braincells over." Nobody blames anybody after a loss, and win or lose they all go get smoothies from the Shadow Moabbey. It is not recommended that anyone outside the team drinks the smoothies from the Moabbey. The players have worked very hard to be able to tolerate those god-awful smoothies, and fans are certainly unprepared.
The Sunbeams are also major figures in the wider Hellmouth community, with a strong sense of responsibility to be good role models who strongly discourage anyone from trying to come to Hellmouth. Even visitors planning only a short trip run the risk of experiencing the Tug, and/or gaining an Adaptation which would forever tie them to the accursed place the Sunbeams call home. However, should fate, blessings, weather, misfortune, elections, or grim determination bring a newcomer to the Sunbeams roster, the team will do all they can to help the new player feel welcome. The orientation programs are an ad-hoc affair, but combine practical advice for surviving in Hellmouth with haphazard explanations of Igneus "Iggy" Delacruz and Miguel James' theatrics and antics.
Many players on the Sunbeams roster are active members in the community: running local businesses, guest lecturing at Hellmouth Community College, or offering services to make Hellmouth that little bit less inhospitable for everyone living there.
For more information about the Sunbeams' concept of rivalries, and a list of known rivalries, see Hellmouth Sunbeams/Rivalries.
The Sunbeams have a complicated relationship with rivalries, a label which oft-encompasses a range of complicated and nuanced emotional relationships. Rivalry, as understood by the Sunbeams and their fans, involves:
- wistfully watching their rival's matches, hoping to face them in battle once again
- fiercely defending a rival from others, for only You are allowed to defeat them
- cheering for the rival as they grow, overcome trials and reveal new strengths, as such development is a hallmark for any worthy rival
- being unable to think of anyone other than the rival
- on dark nights wondering if they're staring into the same sun, cursing your name.
In the spirit of competition, everyone in the League is a rival of the Hellmouth Sunbeams, though some rivalries have been developed to the point they fall under a separate category of Major Rivalry, Rivalliance, or Anti-Rival. To learn more about these rivalries, or to find out your team's rivalry-status with the Sunbeams, please view the Rivalries subpage.
- Sol, head coach
- Velasquez Meadows's Ghost, manager
- Addie Tantalus, asst. coach
- [No known first name] Nakamura, asst. coach
- Determination Montgomery, batting coach
- Beef Randolph, nutritionist
- JEFF, "mascot"
- Dead Tom, the fan
- The Man Who Owns All the Teeth, sponsor
- The entire population of Bishop Sutton
- Moon Roomba
Main article: The Solarium
For more on the Sunbeams' fan culture and chants, see Hellmouth Sunbeams/Fan Culture.
Every time the Beams score a run, a child is allowed to hurl a pane of glass off the highest part of the stadium wall. This has led to numerous incidents of children trying to use psychic powers to manifest runs, which has been a great boost to the team's morale.
At the end of a winning home game, it is customary for the Sunbeams to dump the team's water cooler on the pitcher. The Hellmouth being what it is, this has resulted in 15 hospitalizations for steam burns this season.
In honor of Alexander Horne's revenge-driven grand slam tribute to Velasquez Meadows, fans of the Sunbeams refer to all grand slams as Horne Runs.
The Solympic Flame
At the dawn of every Season, a fire is started somewhere in the Solarium using the sacred light from the easternmost Blaseball location. To date, the flame has been extinguished by Garages fans before the season has concluded. For more information, see the Solympic Flame page.
- We are okay!
- Ȟ̷̦E̵̤̿R̴͔̀È̶͔ ̶̽ͅC̵̻͆Ó̷̖M̷̲͋Ě̶̺S̴̞̎ ̴͕͋Ț̴͛H̸̥̒E̴̡̓ ̵͎͛S̷̥̈́U̸͎͗N̴͈͊
- Beam me up, Scotty!
- Call: FIVE SEVEN
- Response: SEVEN EIGHT
- Call: STARE INTO THE SUN
- Response: THE SUN STARES BACK
- Call: TOO HOT
- Response: HOT DAMN
- Call: BONE FLESH TEETH
- Response: TEETH FLESH BONE
- Call: HELL MOUTH
- Response: HELL YEAH
- Nerd Pa-Che-Co (Nerd Pacheco)
- SAN-DY CROSS-ING [clap-clap, clap-clap-clap] (Sandoval Crossing)
- Cross 'em out! (Sandoval Crossing)
- You shall not pass (Sandoval Crossing)
- X X X (Sandoval Crossing)
- HONK (Sutton Bishop)
- It takes a village (When Sutton Bishop is doing well)
- The flames of James (When Miguel James is pitching)
- Lone Star Lars/The Only Star We Need is the Sun (Lars Taylor)
- TOO HAHN / HAHN DAMN (Hahn Fox)
- Beams fans are also known to yell players' Soulscreams to cheer them on.
Have fan art of the Sunbeams? Add it here or at Hellmouth Sunbeams/Fan Works!
Logo by Cobaltcakes
Stare into the Sun
poster by Kess
Logo by Kess
Sunbeams Season 5 Lineup
Sunbeams Season 7 Lineup
Sunbeams Season 8 Lineup
by Red Fathoms
The Precog Trio
click to view
Sunbeams Season 11 Championship animation
Sunbeams win the Season 11 Championship
⅘ of the Sunbeams Season 11 Pitching Rotation
by Casper Pham
The Precog Trio
|Stats||Season||1 · 2 · 3 · 4|
|Ballpark||Lower Moab Scenic Overlook Field|
|Staff||Sol · Determination Montgomery · Beef Randolph · JEFF · Dead Tom · The Man Who Owns All the Teeth · Moon Roomba · Monsieur Bean|
|Places||Hellmouth · Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board · Shadow Moabbey|
|History||Hellmouth Sunbeams' History · The Solympic Flame · Adaptation|
|Fan Culture 📣 · Fan Works 💌 · Tlopps Cards 🃏|
|Stare Into the Sun...|