Avila Guzman

From Blaseball Wiki

Avila Guzman is a lineup player for the Baltimore Crabs, and has been with the team since Season 19, Day 91. Guzman has played for the Miami Dale, Houston Spies, Hellmouth Sunbeams, and Seattle Garages.

Official League Records

Guzman joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Seattle Garages with the Return of Blaseball.

On Season 4, Day 36, Guzman was exchanged to the Miami Dale due to Feedback. Guzman was replaced by Farrell Seagull.

On Season 15, Day 93, Guzman was exchanged to the Houston Spies due to Feedback. Guzman was replaced by Jomgy Rolsenthal.

On Season 18, Day 64, Guzman was exchanged to the Hellmouth Sunbeams due to Feedback. Guzman was replaced by Dudley Mueller.

Guzman was traded to the Garages in exchange for Quack Enjoyable during the Season 18 elections via the Garages' Equivalent Exchange will.

On Season 19, Day 91, Guzman was exchanged to the Baltimore Crabs due to Feedback. Guzman was replaced by Aldon Cashmoney IV.

On Season 20, Day 4, Guzman was swept  Elsewhere... and gained the Negative modification as a result of Lorcan Smaht's Undertaker modification.

During the Season 22 elections, Guzman gained the Skipping modification as a result of the Record Scratch blessing.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


While the circumstances of her birth remain largely unknown, Guzman was found as a baby in the bathroom of Beth's Café, in the aftermath of the Awful Coffee Disaster, and adopted by the Baristas that were roaming there.

Coming of age as part of the order, she was raised in the way of the Great Machinists, and received their holy sacrament, a mechanical arm made from espresso machine parts, capable of outputting a standard 9 bar of pressure, in addition to its functionalities as a limb and an espresso machine.

Before her professional blaseball career, she was roaming through Seattle's most famous independently-owned coffee houses, on her quest for the Great Deeds of Coffee prophesized in the holy Barista texts.

Life in Seattle

Guzman was formerly a brass player for the Seattle Garages Acoustics Laboratory.

As a member of the Garages, Guzman frequently hosted dinner parties for the rest of the team before important games, with Mike Townsend assisting in providing various homemade treats.

Life in Miami

Guzman's party-forward attitude has been greatly embraced by the Dale, alongside her intimate knowledge of espressos. Some have speculated her decision to remain in Miami was heavily influenced by her desire to perfect her cafecito technique.

Guzman is the current recordholder for most donuts in the parking lot,[1] a triathalon style competition consisting of a 5 minute boat section, a 5 minute Krispy Krleme section, and a 5 minute automobile section.

In #PARTYTIME at the end of Season 5, she hosted her first dinner party for her Dale teammates. When she asked her fellow teammates to pitch in, Sixpack Santiago volunteered to bring and make arepas, if Guzman could provide avocados and tomatoes for toppings. Later, Randy Dennis volunteered to bring 7 HotNReady pizzas. Then, soon after, Peanut Bong volunteered to provide mixed drinks and supply the weed. Guzman seemed touched by her teammates' excitement for her get-together, and started the party at 8pm.

With The Spies

After the discovery that Observed and Redacted were somehow connected to coffee weather, the Agency decided to bring in a consultant with deep knowledge of coffee. Due to Guzman's deep history with the Baristas, she was a prime candidate. It is unclear how exactly the swap with Jomgy Rolsenthal was arranged for, but near the end of season 15, Jomgy Rolsenthal accidentally, or "accidentally", skated into the wrong dugout.

Despite being hired to consult on coffee, however, Guzman immediately took it upon herself to teach the Spies how to properly enjoy partytime. Previously, the Spies "celebrated" with perfunctory crepe streamers taped onto the ends of the Spies' bats, two-liter soda bottles and open bags of chips sitting on an undecorated plastic folding table, and party blowers tooted exactly once per game per player. Guzman supplemented these with a boombox behind home plate and swing dancing, and was eventually joined in partying that season by Denzel Scott and Bennett Bluesky.

As a coffee consultant, Guzman assists with such things as identifying suspect movements from coffee ring and spill patterns, and inferring which drink someone had from a glance at the residue left behind on the sides of an empty cup. She is becoming frustrated at the Agency's apparent lack of progress on the case, believing that the major breakthrough everyone is hoping for is likely not coming, but keeps her head down.

She has taken to answering questions from the press with "I would tell you, but then I'd have to kill you," said with a grin and a wink, before dramatically exiting through the nearest window.

The Hellmouth Sunbeams

After several seasons with no progress being made on the investigation, Guzman took matters into her own hands and followed the trail of Brisket Friendo to the Hellmouth Sunbeams. While she missed Friendo themselves, she did reunite with fellow Dale alumni Hahn Fox. Fox was delighted to have another person around who knew how to have a good time, and the two of them spent many hours together getting some old-school partying in. Other than Fox, Guzman was also known to have incredible chemistry with Paula Reddick on the field, where their “Coffee Truck” combo plays were a much discussed sight among fans.

While Guzman’s short stay in the Hellmouth was not long enough for her adaptation to settle, there were hints of a spark beginning to rise in her, but by the times of the season 18 elections she was off again, this time back to Seattle, and hot on the trail of the ILB’s most famous missing person.

The Seattle Garages

Following the Season 18 Elections, Guzman returned to her hometown of Seattle. She quickly bonded with fellow barista Sparks Beans, comparing their training and upbringings as well as the mutual amusement that their paths both resulted in body modification. Between the part electric-elemental Beans and the combined affinity of Guzman’s transfused Electric blood and her new lightly-Adapted electric powers, the pair got along shockingly well.

In an effort to embrace the new opportunities in Seattle, Guzman opted to live somewhere besides the Big Garage this time, moving into the International District with Sparks Beans and Magi Ruiz. The trio became fast friends (some reports indicate their relation grew deeper still), often seen together traveling, debating the various merits and methods of brewing coffee, or enjoying the musical talents of This Is a Tragedy (or, in Ruiz’s case, turning her hearing aids off while the other two listened). Guzman and Beans together were able to convince Ruiz that coffee can be good. Guzman and Beans together were not able to convince Ruiz that TIAT can be good.

Ruiz became interested in Guzman’s mechanical arms and often assisted her with maintaining them, even upgrading them by installing some sick speakers. [2]

Guzman found her hunt for the league’s most elusive player brought to an abrupt end as Beans introduced her to Brie, owner of one Brisket Friendo. The eldritch cat seemed to be in fine condition, despite the alternation. Guzman then turned her attention to Brie, and with the combined effort (and pushiness) of Guzman and Beans, the duo managed to free Brie from the shackles of Stlarbucks and into a better cafe, where Brie serves coffee while Brisket Friendo loafs around the shop and pleads pitifully for attention from customers. Brie expressed interest in learning the way of the Machinists from Guzman, an offer that Guzman was more than happy to take Brie up on. Unfortunately, fate had other plans.

The Plan

Guzman’s time with the Garages was cut short by a prophecy made by Mcdowell Karim. They had predicted that Sparks Beans was destined to be incinerated in the playoffs that season and that there was no way to avoid it. There was, however, a chance to subvert it.

With assistance from Guzman, Karim, and Beans themself, Ruiz devised a plan to save Beans from complete destruction. In order for this to work, Guzman would need to be available at precisely the moment the umpire would turn rogue. She could not be in active play, as any myriad of plays might occupy her, and there was no way to put her on the Bench before then.

Guzman could not stay on the Garages if Beans was to survive.

Karim had divined only one team that was guaranteed to not only avoid the playoffs, but play the Garages in Feedback weather: the Baltimore Crabs. On day 91, Guzman would commit fraud via money laundering. When the weather peaked, Guzman flew towards Aldon Cashmoney IV, AKA Quarters, grabbed vim and slam dunked vim into the Garages’ dugout, grabbing vis cap on the way. She then said loudly, “I’m a Crab now, see? That totally just happened, you all saw it!”

With her schedule thus cleared up, Guzman and Magi worked to upgrade her arms further into effectively specialized lightning rods.

On Day 104, with the Garages at Lovers, Guzman stood in position behind Beans when the umpire went rogue. She used her electric abilities to create a current between her and Beans, and when the umpire struck, Beans shot all of their elemental electric energy towards Guzman in a bolt of lightning. While Beans physical form was incinerated, their elemental form struck Guzman’s arms and remained there until the end of the game.

With the newly incorporeal Beans in hand, Guzman returned to the Garages to share their success. Beans was able to exert control over Guzman’s arms while inhabiting them and eventually learned how to hop to other devices, even manifesting as an electrical apparition for brief periods of time. They make a habit of staying in Guzman’s arms any time she’s in town for a game.

With Beans saved, Guzman returned to Baltimore, ready to continue her journey.

The Baltimore Crabs

With one mission complete, Guzman turned back to her last direction from her time on the spies. With Friendo having been located, but alternated in Seattle, Guzman realized that this might be the end of her investigation. But Avila Guzman was never one to settle. Instead Guzman was unsatisfied with this ending, and decided it was time to dig into the first place the original Friendo say active play; The Baltimore Crabs. Upon arrival she was met with Pedro Davids, who was fresh off the loss of his partner Valentine Games, and couldn’t help but notice the similarities to the Crab’s newest player. Davids was quick to take Guzman under his wing and encouraged her pursuits against the league, and when it came to the original Brisket Friendo, there was one person who was the obvious next step - the player who had been in the shadows when she was first returned to the ILB: Lorcan Smaht.

Guzman’s initial attempts to question Smaht were met with some uncharacteristic hostility from the Crab’s pitcher, as ey were still sore about the alteration of Friendo, as well as the recent trade of eir sibling Trinity Smaht to the Mexico City Wild Wings. The two remained on shaky ground until Guzman was swept elsewhere and Smaht flipped her negative. While she returned promptly, Smaht remained elsewhere through several series. Once ey finally returned Guzman apologized for her earlier forwardness, but Smaht’s first Undertaking had led em to find that same spark that Guzman carried, and ey were eager to push back at the rules ey had once thought immovable. Now Guzman and Smaht found themselves similarly motivated to crack this case of the league’s mysterious disappearances, with or without the hardboiled detectives the ILB had sent. Throughout the seasons Guzman and Smaht could often be found together combing over evidence, working the disappearance case, and appreciating a late night cup of coffee. After seasons of searching, Guzman was distressed to find references to The Baristas seemingly tied into the disappearances of players across the league. While she was certain these could not be tied to the very Baristas that raised her, Guzman did redouble her efforts, eager to prove the innocence of the order that had given her so much.

In season 22 Guzman was surprised by the arrival of one of the Garages newest recruits - Fairwood Patchwork. Patchwork’s relationship with time and the passing of ages were somewhat skewed due to their origins, and found it difficult to reconcile the Avila Guzman that had left back in season 4, the Avila Guzman that had visited in season 19, and the Avila Guzman that stood before them now. In an effort to assist with this she turned to a group she had been spending a lot of time with since moving to Baltimore, the Baltimore Rock Opera Society. The Rock Opera Society had been something that both she and Montgomery Bullock had spent time with as a way to blow off steam and get their creative energy out. For Patchwork, the stage was a set that Guzman could use to work through the structure of the story with them. As they moved from scene to scene, and from act to act, Patchwork could appreciate the ways that the people around them moved and changed. Patchwork was also delighted at the opportunity to participate in the shows, and quickly became a regular, practicing at playing characters, and saving the crew a significant amount on costuming and special effects.

Towards the Event Horizon

While the Crabs steered towards the Event Horizon, Avila Guzman found herself conflicted. While she had every desire to strike a blow to the face of a god, she was surprised to find that there were other things that she was aiming for, and struggles she was not willing to give up on in order to take a swing at the Coin. There were other people willing to be on the front lines, and Guzman found herself comfortable letting them take the lead while she and the Crabs lead an exploratory mission into the horizon. As the season passed and Guzman saw Herring Winfield redacted her resolve was hardened further. It was up to her to survive and get to the bottom of what was happening.

In the long journey towards the Horizon, Guzman found herself examining the very nature of what a god was, wondering if “by targeting the Coin in our quest to eradicate deities, are we not elevating her to a higher status? if she herself has never claimed that role, is our ire what ascends her to godhood?”. This became a frequent topic of debate among teammates, with Pedro Davids, and Squid Galvanic in particular often responding in equally long winded prose - to the point where as soon as one of them responded the rest of the team would simply resign themselves to hours of debate. As they sailed through the stars Guzman also couldn’t help but notice her long-time team, the Miami Dale were headed in the same direction, and while that was not a deciding factor she had to admit it would be nice to be reunited with the life of the party here, at the end of everything.

Fan Works


Avila Guzman is the focus of the following songs:

Additionally, Avila Guzman is mentioned in the following song:



  1. Miami Dale [@MiamiBlaseball] (26 Aug 2020). "Avila Guzman just broke the Dale record for most donuts in the parking lot, this initiation has been faster than anticipated" (Tweet) - via Twitter
  2. Ruiz was quoted as saying “these are some sick speakers.”