Comfort Septemberish is a lineup player for the Core Mechanics, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Septemberish has previously played for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands, Hellmouth Sunbeams, and Houston Spies.
Official League Records
On Season β2, Day 104 against the Hades Tigers, Septemberish successfully stole home in the bottom of the 9th inning, bringing the score to a 4-4 tie before Aldon Cashmoney hit a 2-run home run on the following pitch. The game ended with the Jazz Hands winning 6-4 against the Tigers.
On Season β19, Day 44, Septemberish's Superallergy was cured by An Undisclosed Location's Peanut Mister. On Season 19, Day 62, Septemberish's allergy was cured by An Undisclosed Location's Peanut Mister.
On Season β21, Day 4, Septemberish was swept and gained the Negative modification as a result of Yeong-Ho Garcia's Undertaker modification. On Season 21, Day 5, Septemberish was exchanged to the Hellmouth Sunbeams due to Feedback. Septemberish was replaced by Siobhan Chark.
Septemberish was traded to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands in exchange for Jasper Blather during the Season β21 elections via the Jazz Hands' Equivalent Exchange will. They were then traded to the Houston Spies in exchange for Quack Enjoyable via the Spies' Equivalent Exchange will.
Septemberish ended the Expansion Era with 5.2 in Batting, 1.6 in Pitching, 5.2 in Baserunning, and 2.9 in Defense. Septemberish had Limestone Metaphorical Ambitious Socks and the Negative and Scattered modifications.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Little is known about Septemberish's life prior to the First Pitch and the advent of Blaseball, least of all by Septemberish themself.
Septemberish, when asked about gender just said "THE SNACK THAT SMILES BACK." They are fine with people using they/them pronouns.
Throughout most of Season One, Septemberish was reliably the team's best hitter, despite having very little understanding of what, in fact, blaseball was. During the first couple of months of the season, they were acting largely on instinct, a Pavlovian response formed by being able to use the slips of paper given for hitting the blaseball. This paper, which Septemberish now understands to be currency, was used to procure full versions of the empty boxes and packages which they had used to learn language while roaming the streets of Colorado. Slowly, they began to understand the concepts of victory and defeat, and when the dots finally connected that more victories meant more currency, Septemberish went on a tear, leading the Jazz Hands to a division title. Though the Jazz Hands were swept in the first round of the playoffs by the eventual league champion Philly Pies, Septemberish's rookie season has led fans to believe there's nowhere to go but up, especially considering that Septemberish still only sort of understands what blaseball is.
Septemberish was a key player in the Jazz Hands' playoff run of Season β2. In a critical Game 5 against the Hades Tigers, Septemberish stole home base, tying the game at 4-4 and putting teammate Cashmoney at ease. Cashmoney would then score a two-run home run to put the Jazz Hands in the lead and into the second round of the playoffs. Septemberish would steal home base again in the series against the Philly Pies, but the Jazz Hands were swept 3-0.
Septemberish's performance during Season β3 seemed to slump, as did the rest of the team's as they scraped into playoffs with a 50-49 record.
During Season 6 Day 41, Comfort Septemberish was caught in the Feedback with former Houston Spies player Collins Melon, moving from the Breckenridge Jazz Hands to the Houston Spies. Later that season, during a game between the Jazz Hands and the Spies, Randall Marijuana was incinerated during an at-bat by Septemberish (they went on to hit a triple and scored on the next play).
Septemberish appears to have no memory whatsoever of a life prior to a few months before The First Pitch. They had been living in those months as a drifter, with zero initial knowledge of life, or even awareness of self.
Introduction to Society, and More Importantly, Blaseball
Fortuitously for fans of the Jazz Hands, Septemberish stumbled upon the squad warming up for the first day of Spring Training. As they watched the players take batting practice, they began to mimic their actions, using a discarded O-Cedar EasyWring mop handle to send crabapples from a nearby tree hundreds of feet through the morning sky. When coaxed into the actual blaseball diamond by their new teammates using ripped up pieces of beef jerky, Septemberish proved to be just as successful hammering blaseballs, bellowing "DEEP CLEANING MADE EASY" with every home run. Their teammates would later learn that this was the slogan of the EasyWring mop.
Most of Septemberish's language skills were acquired through studying refuse found on the streets, which is why they often speak in advertising catchphrases. The moniker Comfort was self-given, after asking a teammate if there was a word to describe what they felt after consuming a snack sized bag of "BIGGER BOLDER THICKER" Ranch Dipped Hot Wings-flavored JACKED Doritos and then laying on a Sleep Number Mattress, Time magazine's most highly rated mattress of 2012.
The last name is the result of a comedy of errors amongst the staff at the Breckenridge branch of Social Security, where Septemberish was directed to procure a legal identity so that they could be eligible to sign a contract with the Jazz Hands. An extremely hung-over government employee asked Septemberish for a birth date. Providing as much information as they had available, Septemberish replied "Septemberish." The error was compounded when the employee, aptly named █████ █████████, placed this information in the last name field on the document.
Career as a Spy
At 4:55 PM, on Day 41 of Season β6, Septemberish mysteriously left the Breckenridge Jazz Hands for the Houston Spies after a brief conversation with Collins Melon. All who were within earshot of the conversation report a difficulty in remembering the event, a blank spot where the memory should be, but agree that one or both parties exchanged some sort of "code phrase" before the transfer occurred. It is possible, though, that Septemberish's normal speech was misconstrued as an activation sentence by witnesses, or even by Houston agents.
In any case, Septemberish has been a valued operative in the field for the Spies, despite their inability to maintain a cover identity for even brief periods of time. When tasked with taking on the identity of an Austrian [REDACTED] named [REDACTED] [REDACTED] at a blaseball charity event, Septemberish is reported to have greeted a guest with "HELLO FRIEND I AM COMFORT SEPTEMBERISH BUT MY FRIENDS SAY THAT I SHOULD BE AUSTRALIAN BUT I AM NOT AUSTRALIAN I AM COMFORT SEPTEMBERISH!"
Despite this, Septemberish has never failed a mission.
Beginnings of a new Era
During Season β13, Septemberish hit the first natural cycle in Internet League Blaseball history. Soon after, Septemberish was seen by fans taking a small glowing object out of one of [REDACTED] Stadium’s many trash bins. Later ILB reports confirmed this to be the 6-Blood Blagonball. When asked about their discovery, Septemberish stated that they observed “something” putting the Blagonball into the bin after they finished hitting the cycle and thought it was “very rude and also not safe while we were playing.” Septemberish consistently refused comment, however, when asked about multiple other events that occurred during the same period, including the unexpected shelling of Denzel Scott and the incinerations of Theodore Holloway, Norris Firestar, and Son Scotch. They often did this by seemingly emitting a low humming noise without opening their mouth, then entering a previously unknown hatch in [REDACTED] Stadium’s flooring that happened to be under their feet. Septemberish soon became known for frequently being absent from the Spies’ roster due to being swept Elsewhere, a consequence of their frequent presence on-plate, and subsequent scattering.
Septemberish was Shelled by Peanut Holloway on Season β18, Day 9. The Houston Spies refused public comment on this event, particularly formerly shelled batter Denzel Scott, who was frequently seen moving Septemberish’s shell throughout the stadium and became known for reacting uncharacteristically bluntly to interview requests during this time. Septemberish was later freed from the shell on Day 88, in a game against the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Immediately afterward, fans observed Septemberish pointing at Dudley Mueller, who had joined the Spies via feedback while Septemberish was Shelled, and yelling at their teammates until they noticed Avila Guzman, who had replaced Mueller on the Sunbeams, on the opposing team. Septemberish later stated they did not recognize Mueller in its newly issued Spies trench coat, then again removed themself from the interview via floor hatch.
Soon after being removed from the shell, Septemberish gained a Parasitic Jersey from the Community Chest. In a later interview, when asked about their performance, Septemberish unexpectedly changed topic by asking reporters to greet their jersey, stating “it would like to make friends” and “I think it would like it if you told it that its teeth are very sharp.” Notably, as Septemberish was a batter and not a pitcher, this jersey had little effect on their performance.
Return from Elsewhere
Upon returning to the Spies roster after the Season 21 elections, many observers noted that Septemberish’s Parasitic Jersey appeared to have gained a jelly-like undershirt that was more closely attached to Septemberish themself. Upon being asked about its presence, Septemberish stated “I am not sure what happened but I think it is stronger now. Also less sharp.” Some speculators have considered whether this indicates an Adaptation Septemberish or the jersey itself received during their season in the Hellmouth. These speculations were heightened when, early in Season β24, Septemberish dropped their Parasitic Jersey for a pair of Limestone Metaphorical Ambitious Socks, but the presence of the jelly-like undershirt could still be seen under their usual Spies jersey. Though reports are sparse due to team-wide scattering, multiple accounts exist of Spies scientist Mohammed Picklestein seemingly attempting to study the anomaly while they and Septemberish were in the dugout in later games.
Septemberish has become known as one of the Spies’ few public figures in later seasons, frequently appearing on the gaming streams of new teammate Commissioner Vapor. During these streams, Septemberish has displayed a previously unknown talent for vocal mimicry, frequently alerting Vapor to chatroom comments and monetary goals being hit in charity streams by perfectly mimicking certain types of electronic noises. Multiple reports also exist purporting Septemberish has participated in multiple high-speed chases in the Houston area, usually driving a car that resembles a form taken by Denzel Scott. These reports have been widely denied by the Spies themselves, sometimes without previous prompting.
- Septemberish's age cannot be concretely verified, however an estimate of 27 years old has been offered by a scientist who cut off one of Septemberish's toes and counted the rings.
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