Elijah Valenzuela

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Elijah Valenzuela is a player for the Hawai‘i Fridays, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Valenzuela has previously played for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands. During Beta, prior to their alternation during the Season β16 elections, Valenzuela was regarded by both splortswriters and SIBR as one of the most anticapitalist players in Blaseball, second only to Schneider Bendie of the New York Millennials

Official League Records

Valenzuela joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Hawai‘i Fridays with the Return of Blaseball.

Discipline Era

Valenzuela ended Season β3 with 10 stolen bases, ranking him #3 in the league. This was followed in Season β5 by Valenzuela's career-defining season, finishing with a 0.355 BA (#2 in the league), 20 doubles (tied for #5), 128 hits (#2), and 0.431 OBP (#2).

During the Season β5 election, Valenzuela's baserunning and defense fell half a star as a part of the Charleston Shoe Thieves' Bad Neighbors blessing.

On Season β6, Day 61, Valenzuela's defensive ability was siphoned by Dallas Steaks lineup player Cory Ross in a game with Blooddrain weather.

On Season β7, Day 20, Valenzuela siphoned some of Kansas City Breath Mints lineup player Boyfriend Monreal's baserunning ability in a game with Blooddrain weather. On Day 79, Valenzuela swallowed a stray peanut and had an allergic reaction.

Valenzuela was traded to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands in exchange for Aldon Cashmoney during the Season β7 elections via the Popular by Association blessing.

Coffee Cup

During the Coffee Cup, Valenzuela played for Inter Xpresso as a lineup player. Valenzuela received the Perk modification after the tournament due to being a member of the winning team.

Expansion Era

During the Season β16 elections, Valenzuela's batting was improved in exchange for defense as a result of the Jazz Hands' Transfuse will. This was immediately undone by the Jazz Hands' Alternate Trust will, which randomized Valenzuela's ratings and granted him the Careful modification.

During the Season β17 elections, Valenzuela retreated to the Jazz Hands' Shadows in exchange for Liquid Friend via the Jazz Hands' Foreshadow will, resulting in a combined 7.1 8.1 stat increase.

Coronation Era

During the December 2, 2022 Fall Ball, Valenzuela fell to the Hawai‘i Fridays.

During Season 2, Day 85 a Mage Umpire called Valenzuela's Alternate during Solar Eclipse (Red) Weather.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


Valenzuela is a fan favorite as well as a hero of the proletariat, having been a central figure during the revolution that established the Sovereign Nation of Hawai‘i.

Day of the Pineapple

One of the earliest militant actions that initiated the revolution came out of Valenzuela's involvement in the Day of the Pineapple. Valenzuela was once a farmer in Hawai‘i, and worked on a pineapple farm. Speaking with some of the indigenous farmers, he learned that pineapple, internationally seen as emblematic of Hawaiian cuisine and culture, was in fact not native to the island at all, and that the cultivation of pineapple in Hawai‘i was introduced by colonizers. Pineapple was and remained a cash crop and a colonial venture, grown by poor farmers like him who stayed poor, to make the rich colonizers ever richer. Like many, he had not thought about it all that much before then, and while on the surface its misleading reputation as a Hawaiian fruit seemed trivial at first, the way in which the truth was hidden right under everyone's nose was deeply affecting to him. If something so well known as Hawaiian was in truth not truly Hawaiian, and in many ways was harmful to Hawai‘i, what did it really mean to be Hawaiian?

As the oppressive conditions of colonial Hawai‘i deepened, the unrest among the farmers turned to direct action. Inspired by the lesson Valenzuela learned about the pineapple, during a meeting among the farmers of the local community, he tore a pineapple out of the ground, and told everyone that he was done growing the colonizer's fruit for them, and whoever agreed should follow him. A crowd of farmers, carrying as many pineapples as they could, surrounded the local rural courthouse, jail, and police station, and began pelting the building with pineapples, throwing them through windows, covering the front stairs with sticky juice, and even Valenzuela himself caving in the hood of the police chief's car with an almost ripe pineapple. This set off a local agricultural strike, which developed into a general strike, and the rest is history.

Hawai'i Fridays

Valenzuela joined the Hawai‘i Fridays during the formation of the team and the ILB.

He was renowned during his time with the Fridays for stealing homes both on and off the blaseball field. Not only did Valenzuela steal Fourth Base on multiple occasions during league play, but for every base he stole during a game with the Fridays, he liberated a vacant mainlander vacation home, and gave it to unhoused Hawaiians in need of good Vibes.

Sam and Solis's Passing

Valenzuela was notably upset by the sudden passing of Sam Solis while pitching against the Charleston Shoe Thieves. At the post-game cookout, when asked what he thought of the formal investigation calling Solis's passing "natural causes," his only reply was, "Is that they're calling it?" and walked away.

Season 5

Valenzuela had a career-defining season, finishing with the 2nd highest league batting average (0.355), 5th in doubles hit (20), 2nd in hits (128), and 2nd in on-base percentage (0.431), showcasing his abilities to keep innings alive for his team and avoid outs. After such a great season, Valenzuela was given the Golden Rainbow Award by the Hawai‘i Fridays, recognizing him as team MVP. He attributed his success primarily to an abundance of good vibes from his teammates and the community, saying that he is "simply another man, lifted by, lifting for, and lifting with his neighbors."

Season 7 Sandal Gift

On day 20 of season 7, Valenzuela and Boyfriend Monreal decided to have a stroll down the beach during the bottom of the 7th. The two returned before Valenzuela had to go up to bat, but due to both having the same shoe size, accidentally put on each other's footwear. They both had a laugh about being sole mates, and offered their sandals to each other as a gift. Also Valenzuela really had to go up to bat, so they didn't have time to swap shoes anyway.

Like many, he was devastated by Monreal's passing on Day 96.

Departing the Fridays

While the whole of ILB was getting swept up in the chaos of helping the Tacos organize the Snackrifice, attempting to solve the Peanut Puzzle, and the climactic end of the season which saw York Silk narrowly avoiding becoming Shelled, Valenzuela was mostly supporting his teammates from behind the scenes in general. Used to being caught up in the action, and ready at any moment to jump in, Valenzuela ultimately not being directly called upon as his teammates gave their all to get through it was a bit of a surprise. This gave Valenzuela an unexpected feeling of pride and contentment, both in his team and towards his time as Captain. The feeling that the Fridays would make it through anything, with or without him, closely followed.

Breckenridge Jazz Hands

Valenzuela first built ties to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands during Season β7's Party Time, where he met Steph Weeks during the Fridays' get-together. Weeks had gone to spend time with the Fridays as a way of reconnecting with his Native Hawaiian heritage and memories, and Valenzuela was happy to help. The two quickly became close, and were seen talking all the way until Party Time ended.

During the Season β7 Elections, word reached the Fridays that Aldon Cashmoney wanted to join the team, but needed someone to replace vim in Breckenridge. The team was surprised when Valenzuela volunteered to be vis replacement. Later interviews revealed his decision was informed by a combined push and pull. The push was that Valenzuela had, at this point, beaten almost all of Hawai‘i's police into resignation as part of his police abolition project, leaving him with little work to do outside of preparing for Blaseball seasons. The pull was that Valenzuela had recognized Weeks' isolation as an estranged Native Hawaiian in Breckenridge, and wanted to help alleviate that distress. Valenzuela left the remaining police to Alyssa Harrell and flew to Breckenridge shortly after the Elections ended.

Upon arriving in Breckenridge, Valenzuela was gifted an airship by the Jazz Hands Band due to a misunderstanding of the source of his nickname, "Captain" (or, as his new team pronounced it, "Cap'n"). Though accidental, he accepted the gift with grace, and soon learned to fly his new vessel, the Quandary, with the frequent assistance of Weeks. In exchange, Valenzuela brought his police abolition project to Colorado, sparking multiple conflicts with traffic police after minor incidents while learning to pilot the Quandary. He also spent much time one-on-one with Weeks, introducing him to the history & culture of Hawai‘i and sparking rumors of a closer relationship between the two Hawaiians. Valenzuela and Weeks confirmed their relationship in an interview shortly before Season β8 began.


During the Season β16 elections, Valenzuela was replaced with a version of himself from an alternate reality. This new Valenzuela was thin and clearly shaken by the experience, with a parole bracelet around his ankle. Upon witnessing his condition, the other members of the Jazz Hands quickly set about supporting their "new" teammate, promptly removing the parole bracelet and scheduling therapy with Howell Rocha. Despite Rocha's care, it quickly became clear that the Alternate Valenzuela was significantly more cautious and timid than the Valenzuela the Jazz Hands originally knew. Shortly thereafter, Weeks announced that he and Valenzuela were not dating, whatever expectations may be. In interviews, Weeks cited stress related to "expecting Eli and getting Elii [the Jazz Hands' nickname for the alternate Valenzuela]. He feels so familiar because he also plays the hano [1], just like Eli did. Then [Weeks punches] a cop and he shies away like he's afraid of getting hit back, and [Weeks'] heart is broken all over again."

Alternate Hawai’i

After some time with the Jazz Hands, the Alternate Valenzuela became comfortable enough to open up about the world he had come from. In the Alternate Valenzuela's former reality, the revolution to liberate Hawai‘i and establish the Sovereign Nation of Hawai'i failed and Valenzuela was arrested as a political prisoner. Valenzuela was imprisoned by the United States Department of Justice until the Return of Blaseball, when he was placed onto the rotation of the Hawai‘i Fridays to both exhaust his spirit and placate those who called for his release. The opening of the Forbidden Book turned Valenzuela's punishment into true mortal peril, which did not bother those who imprisoned him one bit. Years of surviving Blaseball left Valenzuela greatly diminished in spirit, unable to escape due to his parole bracelet. He became very good at "accidentally" hitting cops with the pitch, however.

Message from Elsewhere

It was unclear to the Jazz Hands what happened to the original Valenzuela until, on Season β18, Day 28, Collins Melon returned from elsewhere bearing a message written on their backside. Blurred by immateria, the message could only just be deciphered, but it became clear that the original Valenzuela was alive and well in the Alternate Hawai‘i. From what could be discerned from the note, a new revolution was underway and an independent Hawai‘i would soon be established once more.

Retreat to the Shadows

During the Season β17 elections, Valenzuela left the field to enter the Jazz Hands' Shadows. As a member of the Stagehands, Valenzuela teaches Jazz Hands and staff of The Pocket self-defense techniques as the stadium’s self-defense instructor.

Acclimation to Breckenridge

While his initial seasons in this new universe were rough for Valenzuela due to the differences between his former universe and the new one and the brand new freedom to go wherever he wanted, he would acclimate to his new environment in time. Valenzuela's teammates would grow on him and even Steph Weeks would become amicable with him, though not close.

Valenzuela befriended teammates Siobhan Chark and Dervin Gorczyca while he was in the Shadows. Valenzuela and Gorczyca often go fishing and hiking during the offseason, a freedom to roam that Valenzuela was still new to. Valenzuela found himself bonding with Chark over their shared feeling of having replaced a team’s beloved players, even if they hadn't meant to.

Valenzuela rarely visits Hawai‘i in this universe outside of games. His name is well known there, but it isn't him that the people of Hawai‘i are thinking about. Valenzuela is also troubled by some of the historical differences he finds there not explained by the success of this universe's Elijah Valenzuela. In particular, Valenzuela finds the lack of record of this universe’s version of one of his former teammates alarming, despite records of his replacement existing as expected. The success of the Sovereign Nation of Hawai‘i brings Valenzuela joy and pride, however, even if it also brings him pain knowing that he was not able to help bring about that success in his own universe.

Return to the Fridays

Fall Ball saw the return of Valenzuela to the Hawai‘i Fridays, a homecoming that was met with overwhelming excitement from fans. Despite the many changes since he was last on the islands, Valenzuela had no issue settling back in, even taking up his old spot in the lineup with pride.

Fan Works

  1. A Hawaiian nose flute; read more: [1]