Winnie Hess is a lineup player for the Kansas City Breath Mints, and has been with the team since the Season 1 elections. Hess has played for the Baltimore Crabs, and for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial.
Official League Records
Hess was traded to the Kansas City Breath Mints in exchange for PolkaDot Patterson during the Season 1 elections via the Crabs Steal Best Pitcher blessing. Hess also received a Mysterious Enhancement blessing, resulting in a 0 -> 2.5 pitching improvement.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Hess is known as one of the crowd favorites among Mints fans. Energy scouters have confirmed she has exactly one horsepower. After the end of Season 4, all of the Breath Mints' pitchers benefitted from the Non-Dominant Arms blessing, which quickly made her one of the most reliable and skilled pitchers in the league. The seasons that followed came to be known among Mints fans as "The Horse Era."
Previously, it was thought that her easily being spooked by loud and sudden noises was due to her being a humanoid horse. It is said that her greatest rival is the plastic bag. However, she has come out on the matter saying that the horse excuse is, in fact, not true, and she has been diagnosed with ADHD, and a hypersensitivity to sound. Despite this (or maybe because of it), she remains the Breath Mints' best pitcher.
She has been public about her ADHD helping her Blaseball career, even going so far as to say, "You know what good things come out of having hyperfixations in this game? I never stop working to be a better pitcher."
Winnie prefers "Dark Horse" for her trot-up music.
Baltimore Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Hess:
Dear Winnie Hess has left our park
While here, she made near zero mark
In truth for some she's been forgot
'Cept as the trade for Polkadot
But since she left she's really grown
And has for Kansas City shown
Herself a workhorse in rotation
Fueled by hay and meditation.
And so in hindsight I now muse
That if again we got to choose
Whether to trade Winnie away
It's very clear we'd answer "nay!"
- Winnie, you better win! EEEEEEEEEE
- Don't mess with the Hess!
- Winnie take that Innie!
- Bloody Mare-y, Bloody Mare-y, Bloody Mare-y!
- Winnie you don’t even have to gurgie just Kill
- Winning Best by Hello Whirled (dampsocks008 on Discord)
- Winnie Hess (Learns To Party) by Ian McCowan (valrus on Discord)
Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky
Winnie playing card by @trivia_lad
Winnie Hess by @lavendelzahne
Winnie Hess by @Fancymancer
Winnie Hess by @glassgoblin
Blood for the Blood Horse by Numbersninja
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