Winnie Hess

From Blaseball Wiki

Winnie Hess is a player for the Ohio Worms, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Hess has played for the Baltimore Crabs, for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial, and for the Kansas City Breath Mints.

Official League Records

Hess joined the ILB as a pitcher for the Baltimore Crabs with the Return of Blaseball.

Hess was traded to the Kansas City Breath Mints in exchange for PolkaDot Patterson during the Season β1 elections via the Crabs Steal Best Pitcher blessing. Hess also received a Mysterious Enhancement blessing, resulting in a 0 2.5 pitching improvement.

On Season β8, Day 58, Hess's pitching ability was siphoned by Seattle Garages pitcher Ron Monstera in a game with Blooddrain weather.

During the Season β9 election, Hess received the Siphon modification due to the passing of the Forecast: Blooddrain decree.

On Season β10, Day 10, Hess siphoned some of Yellowstone Magic lineup player Wyatt Glover's pitching ability in a game with Blooddrain weather.

During the Coffee Cup, Hess played for the Cold Brew Crew as a pitcher.

On Season β15, Day 90, Hess siphoned some of Yellowstone Magic lineup player Oscar Dollie's pitching ability in a game with Blooddrain weather.

On Season β20, Day 107, Hess siphoned some of Core Mechanics lineup player Gia Holbrook's defensive ability in a game with Blooddrain weather.

Over the course of Season β23, Hess entered and exited the Breath Mints' Shadows 2 times as a result of Kansas City FreshDome Fax Machine events, ending the Season on the pitching rotation.

On Season β23, Day 99, Hess was named an MVP and gained the Ego+ modification.

During the ILB Semi-Centennial, Hess played for the Rising Stars. Hess then returned to the Breath Mints as a pitcher.

During the Season β23 election, Hess became a lineup player as a result of the Season β23: Set the Table blessing.

During the December 30, 2022 Fall Ball, Hess fell to the Ohio Worms.

Notable Records

On Season β17, Day 83, Hess pitched their first perfect game, with 9 strikeouts in 27 outs versus the Seattle Garages. This was the first franchise perfect game for the Kansas City Breath Mints.

On Season β18, Day 15, Hess pitched their second perfect game, the league’s first extra-innings perfect game, with 8 strikeouts in 30 outs versus the New York Millennials.

On Season β22, Day 113, Hess pitched their third perfect game, the first ever perfect game to take place during the Internet Series, with 16 strikeouts in 27 outs versus the Tokyo Lift.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


Hess is known as one of the crowd favorites among Mints fans. Energy scouters have confirmed she has exactly one horsepower. After the end of Season β4, all of the Breath Mints' pitchers benefitted from the Non-Dominant Arms blessing, which quickly made her one of the most reliable and skilled pitchers in the league. The seasons that followed came to be known among Mints fans as "The Horse Era."

Previously, it was thought that her easily being spooked by loud and sudden noises was due to her being a humanoid horse. It is said that her greatest rival is the plastic bag. However, she has come out on the matter saying that the horse excuse is, in fact, not true, and she has been diagnosed with ADHD, and a hypersensitivity to sound. Despite this (or maybe because of it), she remains the Breath Mints' best pitcher.

She has been public about her ADHD helping her Blaseball career, even going so far as to say, "You know what good things come out of having hyperfixations in this game? I never stop working to be a better pitcher."

Winnie prefers "Dark Horse" for her trot-up music.

In Literature

Baltimore Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following poem about Hess:

Dear Winnie Hess has left our park
While here, she made near zero mark
In truth for some she's been forgot
'Cept as the trade for Polkadot

But since she left she's really grown
And has for Kansas City shown
Herself a workhorse in rotation
Fueled by hay and meditation.

And so in hindsight I now muse
That if again we got to choose
Whether to trade Winnie away
It's very clear we'd answer "nay!"


  • Winnie, you better win! EEEEEEEEEE
  • Don't mess with the Hess!
  • Winnie take that Innie!
  • Bloody Mare-y, Bloody Mare-y, Bloody Mare-y!
  • Winnie you don’t even have to gurgie just Kill

Fan Works