PolkaDot Patterson

From Blaseball Wiki

PolkaDot Patterson was a player in the Shadows for the Canada Moist Talkers, and was with the team from the Season β21 elections until Fall Ball. Patterson has played for the Kansas City Breath Mints, Baltimore Crabs, Dallas Steaks, Core Mechanics, and for the Rising Stars during the ILB Semi-Centennial.

Official League Records

Patterson received the Season β1 blessing Max Out Pitcher. This raised Patterson's pitching attribute rating to and gave them 87 fingers (warning: FORBIDDEN KNOWLEDGE link). They were then traded to the Baltimore Crabs as a result of the Steal Best Pitcher blessing.

Patterson was the pitcher for the Crabs during the longest game in Internet League Blaseball history by innings played at the time, a 20-inning game between the Crabs and Breckenridge Jazz Hands on Season β2, Day 52. Patterson and the Crabs won the game 8-6.

Patterson was traded to the Canada Moist Talkers for Oliver Notarobot during the Season β2 elections as a result of the Defection blessing.

Patterson pitched an immaculate inning on Day 46 in Season β5 in a game against the Mexico City Wild Wings.

Patterson and August Sky pitched for their respective teams in a 23 inning game 3 matchup of the Season β5 playoffs, which saw the score of 2-2 hold until the Moist Talkers broke through in the top of the 23rd. During the game, both Dot and Sky each pitched at least 18 consecutive scoreless innings, and Dot recorded a second career immaculate inning in the bottom of the 15th.

Dot has since gone on to pitch nine immaculate innings through the end of Season 5, including twice having two in a single game (Season 5, Day 61 and Season 5, Day 91). Only two other pitchers in history have more than one.

Following the end of the regular games in Season 7, Patterson received the Shelled, which encased them in a giant peanut shell. They cannot play in this state, effectively skipping them in the rotation.

Following the end of the regular games in Season β9, The Monitor attempted to eat Patterson. They did not succeed; however, Patterson was taken out of their shell and given the Squiddish.

At the conclusion of Season β10, Patterson recorded what is currently the lowest single-season ERA in ILB history, with 1.663.

During the Coffee Cup, Patterson played for Heavy FC as a pitcher.

During the Season β12 elections, Patterson received the Flippers Modification due to the Trust will. Patterson was also traded to the Core Mechanics due to the Plunder will.

During the Season β13 elections, Patterson was traded back to the Canada Moist Talkers in exchange for Shirai McElroy via the Moist Talkers' Plunder will.

During the Season β15 elections, Patterson was traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for Sixpack Dogwalker via the Steaks' Plunder will.

During the Season β16 elections, Patterson's star ratings were completely randomized by the Steaks' Alternate Trust will, resulting in a star change of 14.1 8.9 and additionally granting the Careful modification. Patterson was then traded to the Core Mechanics in exchange for Zoey Kirchner via the Mechanics' Plunder will.

On Season β17, Day 88, Patterson retreated to the Mechanics' Shadows in exchange for Kofi Gildehaus via Core Pillar Center's Fax Machine.

During the Season β19 elections, Patterson's hitting increased from 3.9 4.9 as a result of the Mechanics' Shadow Infuse will.

On Season β21, Day 104, Patterson joined the Mechanics' lineup in exchange for Kelvin Drumsolo at Core Pillar Center via the Ratified Voicemail.

Patterson was traded to the Canada Moist Talkers in exchange for Augusto Reddick during the Season β21 elections via the Mechanics' Equivalent Exchange will.

On Season β22, Day 7, Patterson swallowed a stray peanut and had an allergic reaction, resulting in a combined 13.7 7.5 star decrease.

During the ILB Semi-Centennial, Patterson entered the Shadows of the Rising Stars. Patterson then returned to the Canada Moist Talkers as a lineup player.

During the Season β23 elections, Patterson Evolved to Base 1 as a result of the Moist Talkers' third championship victory.

On Season β24, Day 45, Patterson retreated to the Moist Talkers' Shadows in exchange for Tiana Wheeler at the Gleek Arena via the Ratified Voicemail.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


Time with the Baltimore Crabs

After receiving the "Max Out Pitcher" blessing and subsequent trade to the Crabs, Patterson was regarded as a Messianic figure by the team. Just one season later, Patterson was switched, to the dismay of many, with the Moist Talkers' Oliver Notarobot.

Time with the Canada Moist Talkers

When traded to the Moist Talkers, Patterson said in their debut press conference:

"My whole life, I have been cursed with chronic dry mouth. This morning I can proudly say that I woke up with a very, very moist mouth. I am excited for the opportunity to bring a championship to the Moist Talkers and their fans."

Moist Talkers Pitcher and master of the Spitball Jenkins Good, who was also at the press conference, stated that it was great to have them on the team.

"I think that PolkaDot and I will have great phlemistry, and I look forward to helping them master the Spitball technique."

Despite the large amount of fanfare surrounding their incorporation into the Moist Talkers, Patterson's first couple seasons were characterized by a somewhat distant attitude towards their fellow players and an intense focus on their performance on the mound. Patterson declined to participate in many team morale building activities including: expeditions into the Underarena, The Moist Talkers weekly movie night, and even Richmonds Chill Zone Bean Bag Nap Corner. In an interview with the Halifax Gazette during Season 4, Jesús Koch stated "Look, for some people... other than me of course, PDP is pretty intimidating. It's not like they're rude or anything but if you’d seen what they can do with a Blaseball up close you’d keep your distance too."

In recent seasons Patterson has begun to show more interest in their teammates including now ex-Moist Talker and partially retired Ortiz Morse. During the seasons before Patterson's shelling the two shared a mutually supportive, and occasionally flippant, relationship in regards to their pitching styles, with Morse's philosophy that "walks are better than home runs" constantly confounding Patterson.

Upon Patterson's shelling in season 7 Morse took on the role of interpreter for Patterson, using his knowledge of Morse code to help Patterson communicate with the rest of the team by tapping on Patterson's shell in morse code. For Patterson this was the only means by which they were kept in the loop regarding current events. Upon Morse's feedback on day  Season β9, Day 53, the Moist Talkers began taking turns communicating with Patterson despite their described "loose" knowledge of morse code.


After the events of the Cosmic Meta-Material Neutralization Unshelling Event (C.M.M.N.U.E) at the end of the 9th season, Patterson was freed from their Peanut Shell by the Monitor. Having little idea what was occurring due to a breakdown of communication Patterson was surprised to be greeted with a pre-prepared Welcome Back party organized by an exasperated Mooney Doctor. Ziwa Mueller was quoted as saying "it was essentially a 50/50 shot but we figured aiming for a party instead of a funeral would be less morbid."


Since their unshelling Patterson has taken on stewardship of Beasley Gloom, apparently as a favor to Workman Gloom, whose relationship with Patterson is still unclear. Additionally, in an interview with one of the many Seattle podcast networks, Ortiz Morse claims that he received a postcard from Patterson congratulating him for pitching a no hitter on Day 38 of Season β8, after Patterson was unshelled.  Currently, Patterson has returned to their pitching career in good spirits and now regularly joins their fellow Moist Talkers for wet lunches in the Gleek Arena's cafeteria. In fact, in an interview with Halifax's premiere Blaseball magazine, Blasian Fields Quarterly, Patterson was asked who on the team they'd like to take to dinner. Patterson responded, "McBlase and I have had lunch a couple times, so probably them." Eyewitnesses to these lunch dates have claimed that throughout the course of the entire meal neither of the two spoke to each other but that they both seemed to be enjoying themselves immensely.

Appearance and Personal Life

PolkaDot Patterson... How do you even begin to explain PolkaDot Patterson? PolkaDot Patterson is flawless. They have two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus. Their hair is insured for $10,000. I hear they do car commercials in Japan. Their favorite movie is Varsity Blues. One time, they met John Stamos on a plane and he told them they were pretty.

Upon obtaining 87 fingers, Patterson developed the ability to apply four-dimensional spin to the ball.


Patterson's Regular Edition Discipline Era Photo Card (fig.2) has seen significant degradation due to Patterson's signature emanations. Patterson's Special Edition Discipline Era Photo Card (fig.3) has been reconstructed from photographer descriptions. The photographer has seen significant degradation due to Patterson's signature emanations.

In Literature

The Baltimore Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following about Patterson:

Born of prophecy, was the great Patterson
Who strode from Kansas City to Crabs’ locker room
There, carried the team like an army of one
And rose up the Crabs from a deep muddy gloom
Beneath the blotted outline of the cold dark sun.
The fans, huddled together, fearing the state
Of discipline that that the Gods had proclaimed,
Basked as Polkadot pitched—this Blaseball great—
And then, Patterson snatched by the Gods, they cried:
In the name of Mother Crab, we shall not be shamed,
And against the Blaseball Gods we turn our spite!
Patterson does not remain, but in their stead
Still burns the spark that will one day set right
The heedless rogue umpires whose whims we dread
And shall bring all teams against the Gods to fight.


  • Saint Patterson
  • The Dot
  • PeePee
  • P O L K A D O T
  • Mound guardian, guardian of the mound
  • The arm(s) that won't quit
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The Alternation

PolkaDot Patterson was Alternate-Trusted during the Season 16 Elections. Usually when a player is Alternated, the original player is lost forever and is replaced by an alternate version of themself. However, Patterson resisted their fate and remained in this universe through sheer force of will. While on ILB authorities claim Patterson has been lost forever, they can be seen acting as a coach for the Canada Moist Talkers. Patterson has also made visits to several of their former teams, notably the Baltimore Crabs, Kansas City Breath Mints, Dallas Steaks and the Core Mechanics - the current team of Patterson’s Alternate.

Alto Patterson


Alto Patterson was originally an ace Glolf player from an universe in which the splort was victorious in the Blaseball-Glolf Clonflict. During the Season 16 Elections, they found themself sucked into our reality, without any knowledge of Blaseball, their reputation as an all-star pitcher, or what Alternation meant. While apparently originally timid and confused, the denizens of the Core were supportive and helped them forge a new identity for themself. They took on the new nickname "Alto", as "dot" is a glolf term. Although Alto found this new, unfamiliar, and sometimes frightening world dangerous, and finding themselves separated from their glolfing friends and rivals, Patterson only saw one path before them: forward.

Core Mechanics (Season 16 Elections - Present)

Alto Patterson began their career in the Core and despite struggling on the mound was welcomed by the Mechanics. Following the installation of The Pillars' Fax Machine, Patterson gave up sufficient runs to be replaced by Kofi Gildehaus on Season 17, day 88. Reports from the Shadows indicate that Patterson is preparing for a future career as a batter, leaving their legendary pitching reputation in the past.

In their free time, Alto plays the guitar.

Fan Works