Joe Voorhees

Joe Voorhees
Art by @HORSEIZONTAL
Basic Information
Team	Hellmouth Sunbeams
Former Team(s)	Canada Moist Talkers, Charleston Shoe Thieves, Houston Spies
Status	Shadowed
Batting	(0.8)
Pitching	(1.7)
Defense	(3.0)
Running	(1.5)
Modifications	ScatteredThis Player returned from Elsewhere a bit Scattered.  ShelledA Shelled player is trapped in a big Peanut and is unable to bat or pitch. Shelled players are also immune to incineration.
Items	Fire Eating Weird Bat ●●●
Dates Active	Jul 20, 2020–present
External Links	Blaseball-Reference Player Changes Player Page
Personal Information
Evolution	Base
Peanut Allergy	Allergic
Pregame Ritual	Synchronizing
Coffee Style	Decaf
Blood Type	Love
Fate	94
Biographical Details
Pronouns	He/Him
Language(s)	American Sign Language, Quebec Sign Language, English, French
Other Background Information
Heliolatric Zodiac	Blessed Absolution

Joe Voorhees is a player in the Shadows for the Hellmouth Sunbeams, and has been with the Sunbeams since Season 7, Day 60. Voorhees has previously played for the Canada Moist Talkers, Charleston Shoe Thieves, and Houston Spies.

Official League Records

Voorhees joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Canada Moist Talkers with the Return of Blaseball.

During the Season 3 elections the Moist Talkers benefited from the Rigour Mortis blessing the Houston Spies received, which increased Voorhees' baserunning from to .

On Season 4, Day 28, Voorhees was exchanged to the Charleston Shoe Thieves due to Feedback. Voorhees was replaced by Workman Gloom.

On Season 6, Day 76, Voorhees swallowed a peanut and had a allergic reaction, decreasing all of their stats by . Voorhees was traded to the Houston Spies in exchange for Howell Franklin during the Season 6 elections as a result of the Shoe Thieves receiving the Who? blessing.

On Season 7, Day 60, Voorhees was exchanged to the Hellmouth Sunbeams due to Feedback. Voorhees was replaced by Malik Romayne. During the Season 7 elections, Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' Shadows as a result of the Downsizing blessing.

During the Season 16 elections, Voorhees rejoined the Sunbeams' lineup in exchange for Dudley Mueller as a result of the Sunbeams' Foreshadow will.

On Season 17, Day 75, Voorhees was   in a game with Peanut weather by Tokyo Lift lineup player Jessica Telephone.

During the Season 17 elections, Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' Shadows in exchange for Nagomi Nava as a result of the Sunbeams' Foreshadow will, resulting in a combined 6.2 → 6.9 stat increase.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Career With The Moist Talkers

Voorhees was variously described by his teammates as "solitary", "unnerving", "quiet", and "prone to leaving rusty stains in the water." During his tenure, he took up residence in a cabin within the Under-Arena, a location presently referred to as the Throat. Ultimately, all reports say Voorhees was both well-loved and well-feared by fans and players alike, a common status for players within the Chaotic Evil division.

Career With The Shoe Thieves

Following his trade to the Charleston Shoe Thieves, Voorhees was initially met with a cool reception by both players and fans, likely due to either some resentment at his replacement of Charleston veteran Workman Gloom or disagreements over the appropriate number of homicides per game.

Following an altercation over the disappearance of several Shoe Thieves fans shortly after Voorhees's transfer, pitcher and manager Cornelius Games publicly banned him from the Charleston team clubhouse, reportedly stating: "Don't come back until you either learn to how to snag a pair of heels off a runway model or how to have some [expletive removed] respect."

In addition to duties as a hitter and position player, Voorhees assumed Workman Gloom's role as caretaker for team mascot and pitcher Beasley Gloom. While Voorhees initially found this role "challenging", according to teammates, he eventually formed a close bond with the pitcher, who shared his lifelong love of Slim Jim beef jerky snacks.

Struggling to bond with his new team, Voorhees reached out to his replacement on the Moist Talkers for advice. Gloom reportedly told him that "to be a Shoe Thief, you need to thieve some shoes," as well as advising him that many people, including most of the Charleston roster, disapprove of murder and may be uncomfortable around someone who commits it, a fact that Voorhees later stated he had "never been told before."

Gloom assisted Voorhees with stealing his first pair of shoes, a pair of 1989 Air Jordan IV's located in an airtight vault in an abandoned private collection in Sunken Charleston. Impressed with this heist, and swayed by the testimonials of both Beasley and Workman Gloom, Games relented and lifted Voorhees's ban from the clubhouse, on the condition that he refrain from murder in the future. Voorhees accepted the condition and the number of corpses discovered in Choux Stadium each week decreased dramatically.

Shortly after his first month playing with Charleston, the team held a party for Voorhees, presenting him with a pair of steel-toed boots stolen from a rare earth metals processing plant, and a "30 Days Murder Free!" badge designed and constructed by Velasquez Alstott.

Career with the Spies

Voorhees's tenure with the Houston Spies lasted a mere sixty days, but according to declassified exit interviews he expressed confusion at the Spies' culture. Voorhees would insist he'd never been involved in murders of any description. By his PR agent, Mandy Sulaco's account, Voorhees claimed his teammates would "just wink and nod knowingly. Very weird vibes."

On transferring to the Sunbeams, Voorhees expressed considerable excitement at the prospect, describing Hellmouth as "basically the most cursed, awful, place in all of Blaseball. It’s a slasher film aficionado's dream, you know?"

Career with the Sunbeams

Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd

Voorhees hired/was adopted by PR agent Mandy Sulaco, following initial objections among murder-opposed individuals in the wider Hellmouth community who felt Voorhees "to be a terrible role model for our, well, I don’t think any of us are actually cruel enough to raise young people without their say-so in the Hellmouth, but still."

Among the Beams themselves, meanwhile, the matter appeared mostly settled following two key encounters. The first was between Voorhees and Lars Taylor, where the two reportedly engaged in seventy seconds of animated discussion in both ASL and LSQ before Taylor told everyone "he’s cool." Nagomi Nava expressed a similar sentiment following an eight-minute staredown with Voorhees in a corridor.

Despite Sulaco's best efforts, Joe Voorhees continued to be connected or otherwise implicated with "disappearances" around Hellmouth. Fellow Sunbeams batter and part-time noir detective Nerd Pacheco, after consulting with Taylor and Nava, extended an offer to Voorhees to jointly open a detective agency.

During his 39-day career with the Sunbeams, Voorhees hit a respectable total of 10 home runs, including a Grand Slam on Day 91.

Voorhees was a common sight around the Hellmouth community prior to his disappearance. He made time outside of his busy blaseball schedule to volunteer with community events, such as: knife sharpening workshops, cleaning and flossing the Hellmouth's teeth, and distributing topiary shears to Hellmouth households. He also enjoyed exploring Utah's varied national parks, against the recommendations of the Sunbeams' coaching team.

Disappearance

The circumstances surrounding Joe Voorhees' disappearance into the Shadows are hotly debated. The IRM randomly chooses one rumor of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-95.484 out of its Rumor Registry...

Excerpt from THE EYES OF HELLMOUTH WEEKLY PAMPHLET

Taken from issue #3048, "WE'LL BE SEEING MOREHEES OF THIS JOE VOORHEES"

To all my dear loyal readers- does the name 'Joe Voorhees' ring any bells? If you've been paying attention, the name should strike fear into your heart- the real and active murderer who was thrust into our hearts, homes, and blaseball fields as yet another attempt of the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board to besmirch our lovely Sun-chosen city. Well, you'll never believe what the so-called 'powers' that think they run our little corner of hell expect us to believe now — allegedly, Joe Voorhees has "disappeared into the Shadows," never to be seen again. No doubt peals of laughter will be ringing throughout Hellmouth upon release of this publication at such a blatant lie. I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing — "how gullible could they possibly think we are?" Well, I'll answer that for you, citizen — not gullible enough.

Now, I know from experience that Disappearances, tragically, happen. Sometimes, people are gloriously welcomed by the sun into a new, better life. Sometimes people visiting the cat café get a little too cozy to certain Felines — refer back to pamphlet #2060 for more info on that one. Sometimes people leave you, they leave you behind here because they couldn't take it, because they were cowards, because they couldn't See the Truth. It happens. But disappearing into the Shadows? Sounds pretty convenient, doesn't it — particularly for a killer. Particularly for a character who was causing so much controversy for both the Anti-Tourism Board and the Sunbeams — again, see pamphlets #3021-3040 for more on that. So, how to Solve the Voorhees problem? How to get rid of the critical eyes turned their way, without admitting their own mistakes? Well, what if he were to... simply disappear?

Now, the Anti-Tourism Board doesn't have the power to simply ship Voorhees off to another team — and they wouldn't want to even if they could. As we've discussed, the Anti-Tourism Board's main goal is to prevent people from learning the TRUTH about the Hellmouth and it's connection to our glorious, beautiful Sun, and everytime a player is swapped, they run the risk of the Truth being spread. And not even they are so bold as to fake an incineration. And so Voorhees is simply hidden away — "to the Shadows," they claim. "In a spare room in the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board," says I. Convenient, isn't it, how Voorhees' Agent and confidant joined the Anti-Tourism Board shortly after his supposed 'disappearance.' And if they have nothing to hide, then WHY, I ask, do they keep swatting me with rolled up newspapers every time I try to sneak into their offices? Something smells suspicious, and it isn't just my sandwich I pulled from the dumpster behind the Joustback Bloodhouse — something smells like a coverup.

Be warned, dear readers — Joe Voorhees will return. The Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board is too fond of their little 'ace up the sleeve' to keep him hidden away forever. Mark my words, the next time they need something big to try and shoo away visitors, the next time I get a little too close to discovering the TRUTH, you will see Voorhees again. I know not, as of yet, exactly what sinister plans the board has in store, but rest assured — I am always watching, always investigating, and always looking to the Sun for guidance. The Board cannot hide long from our Light, and all lies will be revealed, all so-called 'shadows' cast away. I will learn the truth. And I will bring it to you. And you will learn to See.

Stay tuned for more.

Controversies

CONTENT WARNING
This article contains content relating to: implied violence

Halifax Disappearances

In completely coincidental timing, Joe Voorhees joined the Canada Moist Talkers at the same time as multiple groups of self-styled "thrillseekers" vanished from the park during games. Some witnesses claim to have seen Voorhees following these individuals throughout the stadium. The individuals in question all disappeared while exploring a dark hallway, deep in the bowels of the stadium leading to a run-down shack rumored to be Voorhees's home at the time. Anyone who has attempted to enter the shack has never been seen again. When asked about this, a Moist Talkers representative responded:

The Moist Talkers don't know anything about any "disappearances" within our stadium. I would advise all fans stay within the well lit parts of our stadium and refrain from exploring the rest of it. On the subject of Joe Voorhees "stalking" folks throughout the park, all I can say is that he's in our dugout during the games. The only way he would be able to get out with nobody noticing is if he could teleport or something, which is absolutely preposterous.

When asked if he had any involvement in the supposed disappearances, Voorhees refused to answer.

Trivia

• Voorhees is definitely not undead serial killer and horror movie icon Jason Voorhees wearing two hlockey masks, that's just his preferred headgear of choice.
• Voorhees is famous in the world of Blaseball for never running, yet somehow always being where he needs to be at the right time. Fans have tried to see how he does it but always manage to just barely miss his movements. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
• Voorhees is mute and communicates primarily in American Sign Language, or occasionally Quebec Sign Language in which he is also fluent.
  • He shares this language with his teammate, Lars Taylor. Voorhees is, to record, the only individual able to keep up with Taylor when the latter is signing at full speed with his uncountable hands.
• Voorhees has faintly green skin. Whether this is a skin condition or some sort of dye is unknown. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
• Voorhees is known for maintaining a collection of rare and high-quality knives, which he used for his hobby of preparing fresh sushi for his teammates while with the Charleston Shoe Thieves.
• During his career with the Shoe Thieves, Vorhees specialized in stealing ice skates—the closest shoes to knives.
• In Season 7, the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board awarded Joe Voorhees its coveted "Number One Reason For The Season (not to come to the Hellmouth)" Recognition, awarded to the most upstanding examples of why people should not visit the Hellmouth.
• Voorhees is credited as the inventor of skateboarding, despite the fact that he uses a scooter and does not know how to skateboard.

Nicknames

• The Slasher
• GI (Good Intentions) Joe (upon arrival in Hellmouth)

Fan Works

Fanfiction

• 'Joe Voorhees' tag on AO3

• 

  by @Spiral_Joe

• 

  Voorhees on the Moist Talkers
  by @shenaniglenn

• 

  Voorhees on the Shoe Thieves
  by @shenaniglenn

• 

  Voorhees on the Spies
  by @shenaniglenn

• 

  Voorhees on the Sunbeams
  by @shenaniglenn

• 

  Mini-Blaseballer
  by @HetreaSky

• 

  Voorhees in the Hellmouth
  by Coblin

• 

  Voorhees taking a siesta with former teammates Beasley Gloom and Blood Hamburger
  by @shenaniglenn

• 

  by @_waalkr

• 

  by @HORSEIZONTAL

• 

  Voorhees asking Sutton Bishop if it's seen this blorch
  by Ash

• 

  by @amadis

• 

  by @_pysics

• 

  Voorhees with Hahn Fox and Sigmund Castillo
  Olive