Joe Voorhees/Rumor Registry

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Joe Voorhees has 8 Rumors written about so far.

Joe Voorhees/IF-10.486

Joe Voorhees was last spotted in a bakery in Anchorage, where eyewitnesses state that he ordered three dozen hlockey mask-shaped donuts.

Joe Voorhees/IF-23.526

Joe Voorhees was seen outside of Blood Hamburger's apartment, holding a wilted rose, a box of hlockey mask shaped donuts, and a deflated red balloon.

Joe Voorhees/IF-38.005

During his short stint in Hellmouth, Voorhees established himself as the Beams' Bad Boy. He would often disappear immediately after games, with teammates and staff finding him unreachable for up to days at a time. Rumors spread throughout Hellmouth of Voorhees' proclivity for nocturnal activities, and sightings of him along Old Highway 191 in the middle of the night became more frequent as Season β7 drew to a close.

During the last inning of the season's final game, Voorhees slipped off the field unnoticed. As the inning ended, members of the Sunbeams team, grounds crew, and management office found that as he left, he had slipped thank you notes into their pockets, shoes, hats, and safes, each thanking them for showing him kindness during his time in Hellmouth, each hand-written on expensive stationery and featuring playful hand-drawn cartoons of smiling knives. Nearly all reported feeling a chill go down their spine at some point during the ninth inning.

Voorhees was last seen alive at an abandoned Oustback Eatsteak on the outskirts of the Hellmouth, near the wild regions where the Shadows stretch impossibly long. Yet still, Hellmouth residents still report seeing a masked figure out on Old Highway 191 at night...[1]

Joe Voorhees/IF-59.80

Joe Voorhees was reported missing by Lars Taylor after an incident in which their canoe became overturned in the "Colorado River". Rescue crews thoroughly searched the area, but could not locate Voorhees. When told the crews did not find him, Taylor reportedly insisted "then he's still there."

Joe Voorhees/IF-710.50

Joe was last spotted in the "Colorado River" Reemergence exclusion zone, playing bridge with the local horses at the Living Horse Point State Park.

Joe Voorhees/IF-73.415

Joe joined the Order of Lanternbearers in the Shadow Moabbey, as is customary for players in the Sunbeams' Shadows. However, despite the insistence of Moabbey staff that he has taken up residence, he never seems to be available when journalists come looking.

Joe Voorhees/IF-75.875

Joe Voorhees never died. He simply tucked himself into a little ball and rolled away.

Joe Voorhees/IF-95.484



To all my dear loyal readers- does the name 'Joe Voorhees' ring any bells? If you've been paying attention, the name should strike fear into your heart- the real and active murderer who was thrust into our hearts, homes, and blaseball fields as yet another attempt of the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board to besmirch our lovely Sun-chosen city. Well, you'll never believe what the so-called 'powers' that think they run our little corner of hell expect us to believe now — allegedly, Joe Voorhees has "disappeared into the Shadows," never to be seen again. No doubt peals of laughter will be ringing throughout Hellmouth upon release of this publication at such a blatant lie. I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing — "how gullible could they possibly think we are?" Well, I'll answer that for you, citizen — not gullible enough.

Now, I know from experience that Disappearances, tragically, happen. Sometimes, people are gloriously welcomed by the sun into a new, better life. Sometimes people visiting the cat café get a little too cozy to certain Felines — refer back to pamphlet #2060 for more info on that one. Sometimes people leave you, they leave you behind here because they couldn't take it, because they were cowards, because they couldn't See the Truth. It happens. But disappearing into the Shadows? Sounds pretty convenient, doesn't it — particularly for a killer. Particularly for a character who was causing so much controversy for both the Anti-Tourism Board and the Sunbeams — again, see pamphlets #3021-3040 for more on that. So, how to Solve the Voorhees problem? How to get rid of the critical eyes turned their way, without admitting their own mistakes? Well, what if he were to... simply disappear?

Now, the Anti-Tourism Board doesn't have the power to simply ship Voorhees off to another team — and they wouldn't want to even if they could. As we've discussed, the Anti-Tourism Board's main goal is to prevent people from learning the TRUTH about the Hellmouth and it's connection to our glorious, beautiful Sun, and everytime a player is swapped, they run the risk of the Truth being spread.[2] And not even they are so bold as to fake an incineration. And so Voorhees is simply hidden away — "to the Shadows," they claim. "In a spare room in the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board," says I. Convenient, isn't it, how Voorhees' Agent and confidant joined the Anti-Tourism Board shortly after his supposed 'disappearance.' And if they have nothing to hide, then WHY, I ask, do they keep swatting me with rolled up newspapers every time I try to sneak into their offices? Something smells suspicious, and it isn't just my sandwich I pulled from the dumpster behind the Shoutthwack Snekhorse — something smells like a coverup.

Be warned, dear readers — Joe Voorhees will return. The Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board is too fond of their little 'ace up the sleeve' to keep him hidden away forever. Mark my words, the next time they need something big to try and shoo away visitors, the next time I get a little too close to discovering the TRUTH, you will see Voorhees again. I know not, as of yet, exactly what sinister plans the board has in store, but rest assured — I am always watching, always investigating, and always looking to the Sun for guidance. The Board cannot hide long from our Light, and all lies will be revealed, all so-called 'shadows' cast away. I will learn the truth. And I will bring it to you. And you will learn to See.

Stay tuned for more.

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  1. There have even been reports of said figure chasing a screaming Mike Townsend through the Shadows.
  2. Note: As of yet, the Eyes of Hellmouth are still uncertain which of the Sunbeams players have had their eyes opened to the Truth. Expect many pamphlets on the subject later.