Joe Voorhees/IF-95.484

From Blaseball Wiki
Rumor / Community Lore
This article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community. It is just one of many Rumors that we've found in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill. You can find more Rumors about Joe Voorhees at their Rumor Registry.

Excerpt from THE EYES OF HELLMOUTH WEEKLY PAMPHLET

Taken from issue #3048, "WE'LL BE SEEING MOREHEES OF THIS JOE VOORHEES"

To all my dear loyal readers- does the name 'Joe Voorhees' ring any bells? If you've been paying attention, the name should strike fear into your heart- the real and active murderer who was thrust into our hearts, homes, and blaseball fields as yet another attempt of the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board to besmirch our lovely Sun-chosen city. Well, you'll never believe what the so-called 'powers' that think they run our little corner of hell expect us to believe now — allegedly, Joe Voorhees has "disappeared into the Shadows," never to be seen again. No doubt peals of laughter will be ringing throughout Hellmouth upon release of this publication at such a blatant lie. I'm sure we're all thinking the same thing — "how gullible could they possibly think we are?" Well, I'll answer that for you, citizen — not gullible enough.

Now, I know from experience that Disappearances, tragically, happen. Sometimes, people are gloriously welcomed by the sun into a new, better life. Sometimes people visiting the cat café get a little too cozy to certain Felines — refer back to pamphlet #2060 for more info on that one. Sometimes people leave you, they leave you behind here because they couldn't take it, because they were cowards, because they couldn't See the Truth. It happens. But disappearing into the Shadows? Sounds pretty convenient, doesn't it — particularly for a killer. Particularly for a character who was causing so much controversy for both the Anti-Tourism Board and the Sunbeams — again, see pamphlets #3021-3040 for more on that. So, how to Solve the Voorhees problem? How to get rid of the critical eyes turned their way, without admitting their own mistakes? Well, what if he were to... simply disappear?

Now, the Anti-Tourism Board doesn't have the power to simply ship Voorhees off to another team — and they wouldn't want to even if they could. As we've discussed, the Anti-Tourism Board's main goal is to prevent people from learning the TRUTH about the Hellmouth and it's connection to our glorious, beautiful Sun, and everytime a player is swapped, they run the risk of the Truth being spread.[1] And not even they are so bold as to fake an incineration. And so Voorhees is simply hidden away — "to the Shadows," they claim. "In a spare room in the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board," says I. Convenient, isn't it, how Voorhees' Agent and confidant joined the Anti-Tourism Board shortly after his supposed 'disappearance.' And if they have nothing to hide, then WHY, I ask, do they keep swatting me with rolled up newspapers every time I try to sneak into their offices? Something smells suspicious, and it isn't just my sandwich I pulled from the dumpster behind the Housemouth Meatmouse — something smells like a coverup.

Be warned, dear readers — Joe Voorhees will return. The Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board is too fond of their little 'ace up the sleeve' to keep him hidden away forever. Mark my words, the next time they need something big to try and shoo away visitors, the next time I get a little too close to discovering the TRUTH, you will see Voorhees again. I know not, as of yet, exactly what sinister plans the board has in store, but rest assured — I am always watching, always investigating, and always looking to the Sun for guidance. The Board cannot hide long from our Light, and all lies will be revealed, all so-called 'shadows' cast away. I will learn the truth. And I will bring it to you. And you will learn to See.

Stay tuned for more.

  1. Note: As of yet, the Eyes of Hellmouth are still uncertain which of the Sunbeams players have had their eyes opened to the Truth. Expect many pamphlets on the subject later.