Blood Hamburger

From Blaseball Wiki

Blood Hamburger is a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and has been with the team since Season 3, Day 75.

Official League Records

Hamburger joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves after the incineration of Blankenship Fischer on Season 3, Day 75.

During the Season 6 elections, Hamburger received a combined 12.2 -> 12.6 stat increase as a result of the Shoe Thieves' Mutually Arising blessing.

On Season 9, Day X, Hamburger gained the Flinch modification after the Shoe Thieves lost to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS.

On Season 10, Day 1, some of Hamburger's defensive ability was siphoned by Hawai'i Fridays lineup player Baldwin Breadwinner in a game with Blooddrain weather, decreasing it from 3.7 -> 3.2 . On Day 8, some of Hamburger's defensive ability was siphoned by Philly Pies lineup player Lang Richardson in a game with Blooddrain weather, decreasing it from 3.2 -> 2.7 .

In the Season 10 elections, Hamburger received Noise-Cancelling Headphones, becoming Soundproof. (The Headphones would later be lost, along with all other Discipline Era items across the league, at the beginning of Season 15.)

During the Season 13 elections, Hamburger retreated to the Shoe Thieves'Shadows in exchange for Herring Winfield as a result of the Shoe Thieves' Foreshadow will, resulting in a combined 15.3 -> 15.9 stat increase.

During the Season 14 elections, Hamburger rejoined the Shoe Thieves' pitching rotation in exchange for Simba Davis as a result of the Shoe Thieves' Foreshadow will.

On Season 18, Day 64, Hamburger swallowed a stray peanut and had a allergic reaction, resulting in a combined 15.4 -> 11.0 stat decrease. On Day 99, Hamburger retreated to the Shoe Thieves' Shadows in exchange for Ren Hunter as a result of Choux Stadium's Fax Machine.

On Season 19, Day 41, Hamburger joined the Shoe Thieves' pitching rotation in exchange for Tevin Melcon as a result of Choux Stadium's Fax Machine.

On Season 20, Day 53, Hamburger retreated to the Shoe Thieves' Shadows in exchange for Tevin Melcon as a result of Choux Stadium's Fax Machine. On Day 76, Hamburger rejoined the pitching rotation in exchange for Oscar Dollie via the Fax Machine.

On Season 21, Day 98, Hamburger retreated to the Shoe Thieves' Shadows in exchange for Terrell Bradley as a result of Choux Stadium's Fax Machine.

On Season 22, Day 22, Hamburger rejoined the Shoe Thieves' pitching rotation in exchange for Inky Rutledge as a result of Choux Stadium's Fax Machine. On Day 26, Hamburger retreated to the Shoe Thieves' Shadows in exchange for Rutledge via the Fax Machine. On Day 34, Hamburger rejoined the Shoe Thieves' pitching rotation in exchange for Inky Rutledge via the Fax Machine.

Over the course of Season 23, Hamburger entered and exited the Shoe Thieves' Shadows two times as a result of Choux Stadium Fax Machine and Voicemail events, ending the Season on the lineup.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Media Recognition

Off the field, Blood Hamburger is a notable media personality and commentator who regularly appears on Blaseball splortscasts and has garnered a reputation as "one of the most recognisable names in Blaseball." Hamburger has been mentioned by name in several major publications unrelated to Blaseball, including The Paris Review and Rock Paper Shotgun.


Personal Life

Space twists. Dimensions shiver. Something new springs forth. This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-24.66 out of its Rumor Registry...

Origins

Hamburger, also known as "The Burg," is an unknown humanoid entity, always seen covered in a thick layer of blood that disguises their precise form.

Hamburger was first spotted emerging from the Charleston Hazardous Meat Disposal Site, whereupon they slowly began forming recognizable limbs (or potentially psuedopods) and began dragging themselves towards Choux Stadium, arriving just in time to witness the Incineration of Blankenship Fischer and be recruited by the Shoe Thieves to replace the deceased Enamaloid. They have proved to be a formidable player, and as such manager Cornelius Games has instructed all other Shoe Thieves players to "not mention the smell."

Suspicions Within The Team

By most accounts, physically, Blood Hamburger is an unremarkable, run of the mill blaseball player, standing an average ████ high, with ██ hair and ███ eyes. However, on rare occasion, some members of the Shoe Thieves have raised concerns about Hamburger:

“I dunno, there’s just something sort of...off about him. Like, his skin, right? It doesn’t seem to have...I don’t know, maybe it’s nothing.” - Esme Ramsey

“I was looking at him for a little while, yeah? And get this! I swear I saw blood running down out of his right eye. Looked like there was some coming from his fingernails too. Hurt my head to look for that long. Went to wipe my eyes, and my hand came away with some of my own...hah, you know what? Never mind, right? It’s been a little too long since a siesta.” - Stu Trololol

“Eh, I think we should cut them some slack.” - Antonio Wallace

The Burg

The Burg is most famous for the hamburger named after them sold in the stands of Shoe Thieves games, which consist of a patty on a damp bun, soaked in what is advertised as a mix of lamb, cow, and human blood, but which some biologists claim is actually a mix of ketchup and several previously unidentified forms of transbiological material. The Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger has been responsible for three recorded deaths and several dozen hospitalizations. However, those so afflicted universally insisted that the Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger was not to blame, and repeatedly asked family members and hospital staff for "just one more mouthful of the soft flesh", and the Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger is still sold in the stands.

Blood Hamburger is a strict vegan and animal rights activist and on several occasions has attempted to halt the sale of the Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburger, occasionally going so far as to assault vendors of the hamburger in the stands while screaming "be free, my children". Management has not responded to these incidents, nor to allegations that the meat in Blood Hamburger Blood Hamburgers is sources from Blood Hamburger themselves.

Blood Hamburger specializes in stealing saddle shoes.


Fan Works