The Blaseball Beat

The Blaseball Beat is a newsletter written and published by The Game Band to all fans of Blaseball, delivering summaries about the state of the League. The newsletter frequently references terms and elements from community-written lore. New issues are typically released once per Season, and only after that season has wrapped up. All issues are accompanied by the publication's signature phrase, "Quick Hits from the Immaterial Plane."

Season 1

Pies Win First Internet Series!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

Blaseball’s revival is off to a historic start. The Philly Pies swept the Chicago Firefighters to take the first Internet Series since the sport returned, becoming the first undefeated team in ILB Postseason history.

The lowly Baltimore Crabs, who finished 38-61, were enchanted during the offseason. We expect a marked improvement from them in Season 2.

Much has changed since we last watched Blaseball, from the players to the league office. Parker MacMillan III quickly rose from social media intern to interim-commissioner, promising a new level of transparency and swearing the buck stops with him.

The Gods, in all their benevolence and grace, allowed the fans to take control of the league this time around, returning democracy to the national pastime. Fans have organized on Discord, Twitter and Reddit, debating rule changes and strategy.

Unfortunately, this appears to have been a test the people failed. Fans voted overwhelmingly to open the clearly-labeled Forbidden Book, resulting in the incineration of Garages star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers, the opening of the Moab Hellmouth, and what appears to be an age of eternal darkness.

We’ll be back with more Quick Hits from Season 2.

Chaos Reigns. Play Ball.

Season 2

Pies are Back-to-Back Champs!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

THE DISCIPLINE ERA CONTINUES!

The Philly Pies are Back-to-Back ILB Champions! Not satisfied with Season 1’s historic, undefeated Postseason run, the proud pastries went back for seconds, continuing their undefeated streak all the way to their second Evil League pennant. The Good League Champion Shoe Thieves managed to snag Game 1, handing Philly their first-ever playoff loss, but that only seemed to wake the bats up, as the Pies won the next 3 to be crowned once more. Do we smell a PieNasty cooking? Could they reach three Internet Series wins? What happens then?

Whatever happens, it certainly won’t be easy. Although the Pies were blessed with improved defense, they were dealt a major blow as the surging Hades Tigers pulled off the steal of the Postseason, snagging Regular Season MVP Jessica Telephone and limiting her time in Philly to only a year. The soldier of fortune Telephone expressed deep gratitude for all of Pie nation, but seems ready to lead the Tigers out of their recent Postseason slumps.

Speaking of which, where were you when Comfort Septemberish stole home?! In one of the all-time great splorts comebacks, Comfort Septemberish stole 4th base in the bottom of the 9th in Round 1’s elimination game, leading to a 2-run blast that sealed the upset for the Jazz Hands and delivered Hades another 1st Round exit.

Hades wasn’t the only hellscape to receive divine grace. The long-struggling Millennials swapped the souls of their worst players, shattering their minds but bringing some serious depth to the lineup. The last place Lovers turned to the summoning circle for some serious help, offering the team up as vessels for the nameless ones. The fire rises.

Fridays fans armed their youngster York Silk wield the Legendary Gunblade Bat, while Breath Mint Axel Trololol watched his arm transform into a literal cannon. He’ll never write again.

Blaseball officials were heartened to see increased turnout in this season’s election. Fans voted to grant the bottom four teams an additional strike, which should really shake things up in Season 3. The overwhelming vote went to Peanuts, which appears to have inflicted some sort of “Peanut Plague” on us all. There is hope that we might complete this First Labour and atone.

Also, the ticker appears to be sentient.

If you want more exciting #blaseball action, the machines must be made bigger. So visit the Patreon to ditch the nosebleeds and get exclusive access to the Bloodhouse!

And a big, big thank you goes out to our friends at Yes Plz Coffee for Sponsoring Seasons 1 and 2! More exciting Sponsors on the way. Everything is for sale! Everything.

Chaos Reigns. Play Ball.

Season 3

The Spirit of Violence Seals Tigers' Win!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

THE DISCIPLINE ERA CONTINUES!

The Hades Tigers captured their first Internet League Blaseball Championship with a win over the New York Millennials in Game 5 of the Internet Series. Victory was bittersweet, however, as Hades star hitter Landry Violence died suddenly in a shocking Game 2, leaving the team reeling and newcomer Paula Turnip starting her career on the biggest possible stage. Fans rallied around Turnip and the team, urging them to win it “For Landry,” and opening Jessica Telephone, Fish Summer, and the rest of the Tigers’ hearts to the spirit of violence and powering them to victory.

Questions abound for the New York Millennials, who came up just short of their first title. New York failed to secure any blessings in the Season 3 Election and lost fan favorite McLaughlin Scorpler to the powerhouse Tigers, adding Alyssa Harrel in the Exile swap. Without the insurance of the Fourth Strike, fans are wondering if the future might be only one of empty promises and disappointment, noting (possibly ironically) they “love da Mills, baby. Love da Mills.”

Hades star Jessica Telephone, now a back-to-back champion herself, faced off against her former Philly Pies in an epic Semi-Final. After going 0-6 in Game 1, the MVP rallied back with 2 homers in Game 2 and proceeded to take out the pie-nasty out of the oven before it was ready. The tough-crusted Pies hoped to improve their rotation in the offseason election, sending away half-star pitcher Kevin Dudley, only to receive Charleston favorite Forrest Bookbaby in return, another half-star. At least their meme potential has improved.

Peanuts ruled the headlines in the early part of Season 3, as the Season 2 election saw the beloved snacks falling from the heavens, seemingly both a gift and a curse from the mysterious Peanut God. As players munched on the tasty treats, some players suffered horrific allergic reactions while others saw a boon to their playing potential. However, the Peanut’s benevolence was almost immediately spurned, as blasphemous insider traitors attempted to hoard an infinite number of peanuts (and negative peanuts), incurring the Peanut’s wrath and promising a lesson in Discipline. In a series of cryptic messages, the Peanut noted that The Book was Strike 1 and #TheFraud is Strike 2. Will we see a Strike 3? Could we get a Strike 4?

Speaking of Infinite, something strange is happening in Los Angeles. Or is it now Los Angeli? The fifteenth-inning Grand Unslam appears to have weakened the Bridge, resulting in a hit that never was and adding an additional win to both the Tacos and Shoe Thieves’ records. Fans subsequently elected to get to know the players through Interviews, resulting in the Microphone ripping space-time open over LA and transforming the city into an endless, quantum sprawl, giving us Unlimited Tacos and a team full of Wyatt Masons. Is this because Wyatt ate 2 peanuts in the same game? Is this some sort of cruel, cosmic joke. We honestly don’t know!

In other Election news, fans also voted to #EatTheRich, redistributing the coinage of the top 1% to the remaining 99% of fans league wide. Despite some grumblings, most fans agree that a better world is truly possible.

In order to build it, the ILB Front Office ordered an Extended Siesta in order to focus on implementing league-wide innovations, repairing aging infrastructure and providing some much-needed rest to league employees. During the Siesta, a league investigation determined that user error during Interviews had resulted in the Wyatt Masoning, and that the contracting company responsible for Microphone operation was solely responsible. They have since been terminated. The league then initiated a Localization procedure in order to restore the Unlimited Tacos. The team was restored to acceptable levels and the Microphone was shut down indefinitely after sensors picked up Feedback. The league’s efforts were widely hailed as a success.

A big THANK YOU goes out to everyone who donated on Patreon. For those who are considering donating, every little bit helps. And another special shout out to our Season 3 sponsor Friends at the Table, who will be returning next week for Season 4! Make sure to give them a visit.

Are you ready for more exciting #blaseball action?

PLAY WILL RESUME Monday, August 24th. We hope you’re ready.

We have tasted the infinite.

We are all Wyatt Mason.

Play Ball.

Season 4

Two-Time Tigers are Untameable!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

The Hades Tigers made history, becoming only the second team in ILB history to win Back-to-Back Internet Series titles and putting them on the path to ascension. Heavy favorites returning from Extended Siesta, the team from way down under lit the world on fire in Season 4, putting together a league-leading regular season record of 69-30 and sweeping the New York Millennials in a drastically one-sided Internet Series rematch.

That’s not to say the two-time Good League champions shouldn’t be proud of their Season 4 performance. Without the Fourth Strike buoying their at-bats, experts predicted regression for the Mills. But true-to-form, the renowned renters appeared to thrive on low expectations, putting together an incredible playoff run and upsetting the heavyweight Chicago Firefighters before getting evicted by the Tigers’ bats.

It wouldn’t be a Tigers win without at least some degree of immeasurable loss. During a game against the Philly Pies, the champs watched in horror as MVP Jessica Telephone blinked back into the Pies lineup, returning to her former team in a flicker of quantum Feedback, a mysterious phenomenon that has caused countless shakeups across the league.

Time and Space continued to bend as the Feedback grew, resulting in a tsunami of quantum Waves that appeared to completely obliterate and reconstruct everything that is and ever will be. Rookie Sixpack Dogwalker claims to be talking to a Microphone. Thomas Dracaena hit a ground out to Edric Tosser.

In election news, the Tigers narrowly avoided being tamed, as voters instead opted for Targeted Shame and Alternate Reality, painting bullseyes on the backs of the Tigers, Firefighters, Millennials and Jazz Hands, and calling in Alternates to take the place of their beloved players. The call’s reverberations appear to be building.

And the weirdness didn't stop there. Fans reached the first Blaseball Patreon goal and discovered the legendary 5-Blood Blagonball, a mysterious orb that, judging by it’s name — appears to be filled with five different types of blood. Later, Sandie Turner stole three bases in the same inning and found the 3-Blood Blagonball sliding into home. Fans are speculating about the nature and whereabouts of the remaining Blagonballs. How many more could there be? Would reuniting them do anything? Is this copyright infringement?

Find out next time on Internet League #Blaseball Season 5!

Play Ball.

Season 5

Firefighters Win! Claim Everywhere is Chicago!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

The Chicago Firefighters captured their first championship with a Game 5 win over the Breckenridge Jazz Hands, bringing the Internet Series title to the Good League for the first time in the history of the ILB and reminding everyone that they, and possibly all of us everywhere, are from Chicago. The heavily-contested series saw the Firefighters rally back from elimination twice, finally breaking through in the bottom of the 9th of Game 4, when Declan Suzanne ate a stray peanut, suffered a horrific allergic reaction, and somehow still managed to bat in the winning run, thereby Shaming the Jazz Hands and forcing the Evil League champs to begin the closeout contest with a score of -1. Declan’s Midwestern grit was just the spark the Firefighters needed, as the Chicagoans jumped on that Targeted headstart and proceeded to light Game 5 ablaze, putting together an absolute blowout Series winner and bringing the coveted title home. To Chicago.

Overcoming inter-personnel adversity proved to be a major theme for the Firefighters (and the entire ILB) in Season 5. Chicago suffered a major loss early in the season when star ace (and league-leading pitcher) Alex Trololol inexplicably abandoned the mound to join the Firefighters lineup, just one of many cosmic Reverberations that washed over blaseball, randomly shuffling rotations, lineups, and even entire rosters! An investigation into the source of the Echoes remains ongoing.

The Jazz Hands are likely wondering what more they could have possibly done in Postseason 5, having swept the 2x reigning champion Hades Tigers in Round 1 and rallying back to win Round 2 against the rival Moist Talkers, surviving a 5-Game series that included a grueling 23-inning Game 4 pitcher’s duel against Canada’s star pitcher PolkaDot Patterson. Fortunately their future looks bright, having stolen the newly 6-star Nagomi Mcdaniel from the Baltimore Crabs in the week 5 Election!

At the other end of the standings, the fan-favorite Unlimited Tacos captured hearts and minds with a historic Regular Season Speed Run, reaching #PARTYTIME faster than any team ever before. Will the beloved Tacos’ Tuesday ever come? Have the gods forsaken them?

In politics, it appears to be Bath Time for the Immaterial Plane! In a tightly contested blind Election, High Filter narrowly beat out Diagonal World (and, tellingly, Do Nothing), resulting in the ILB getting dunked in the Blood Tub and surfacing reborn, restructured according to past performance and creating the Wild and Mild leagues, each Division carrying with it some eyebrow-raising Modifications.

With the recent shakeup, experts are speculating that Season 6 may in fact be Crab Season, as the Baltimore Crabs managed an unbelievable string of luck to win FOUR blessings in Season 5’s Election, massively upgrading their team and earning the derision of much of the league. Will the Crabs be able to make up for their Round 1 Playoff exit? Or will the powerhouse Wild High Division prove too formidable?

And if politics weren’t a popularity contest before, they certainly are now, as Idols have been introduced to the ILB, allowing fans to venerate their beloved players and receive new bonuses for their individual play (in exchange for collective worship). Who will claim bragging rights at the tlopps of the Idols leaderboard? And what’s with that red line?

Either way, cults of personality seem to finally be paying off.

Play Favorites.

Play Ball.

Season 6

Time for Crab!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

The Baltimore Crabs are your new Internet Series Champions! The cantankerous crustaceans swept the Seattle Garages in a one-sided Internet Series, clawing their way to their first title. Heavy favorites, the Crabs scuttled away from the competition, breaking the ILB Wins Record in a dominant 80-19 regular season and becoming the second team in ILB history to go undefeated through the playoffs. It really was Crab Season after all.

Despite falling short, the Seattle Garages exit the Postseason in quite the groove, having swept former champions Pies and Tigers on the way to their first Mild League Championship, all while recording and releasing their third album!

Season 6 got off to a refreshing start, as the High Filter dipped the ILB in the Tub, resulting in the league reborn Wild and Mild. The Mexico City Mild Wings appear to have taken issue with the makeover, threatening legal action and claiming that, despite what one might assume given their name, they actually belong to the “Wild.” The Front Office has declined comment on the matter on advice of counsel.

After what Richardson Games dubbed an “uneventful” Season 5, Inclement Weather rocked Season 6, as a Crack in the Tub gave way to a gurgling Blooddrain, causing players to siphon stars away each other! And if cosmic vampirism wasn’t enough, fans continued to suffer roster shakeups, player swaps and more than one notable death, as star players Forrest Bookbaby, Caligula Lotus, Randall Marijuana and Mickey Woods met their sudden demise.

They will be missed. Rest in Violence.

Speaking of fan favorites, Blaseball seems to have embraced idolatry, as fans were given the chance to receive Coinage in exchange for their collective worship. The popularity contest incensed the Shelled One, resulting in the Peanut calling a sudden STRIKE THREE and promptly SHELLING Jessica Telephone and Nagomi Mcdaniel. The players appear to be alive and unharmed, albeit stuck inside giant peanut pods.

Is a Fourth Strike looming? What happens if we Strike Out?

In politics, a landslide Election saw fans vote to Enhance Party Time! Biscayne Bay has alighted and invitations are in the mail! Should we be expecting Guests? It’s sure to be a rager, as players will be forced to party harder than ever.

They can never stop. Even the dead don’t rest!

In what was arguably the biggest news of the entire Election, the fans organized an act of communal necromancy, raising Garages star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers from the dead and Crediting Mike Townsend to the Shadows!

The Ledger Must be Balanced.

Debts will be Paid.

Play Ball.

Season 7

Wings Go Wild!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

The Mexico City Wild Wings shocked the world on Saturday, defeating the San Francisco Lovers and claiming their first Internet Series title!

Fresh off the heels of a failed legal battle, the Mild-mannered Wings entered Season 7 flying under the radars of fans and experts alike, having never known a winning season and having little to show from previous Elections.

What the Wings DID have was history -- the only franchise to never suffer a single roster shakeup, a team battle-tested by six seasons of shared struggle. That familiarity would prove essential in a season defined by familial loss, as the league was rocked by a debt crisis that saw countless fan favorites lost to the Void, a chain of lives cashed in.

But as bodies went up in smoke, the Wings kept their heads down and hung together, emerging from the regular season unscathed and claiming both their first winning season and Postseason berth.

And it was in the Postseason that the Wings really spiced things up -- first shocking the world with an upset sweep of the top-seeded Kansas City Breath Mints, and then surviving a stand-off with Returned Garages ace Jaylen Hotdogfingers in a Solar Eclipsed Mild League Championship Game 1 that saw a record FIVE players hit by pitch.

The prospect of impending doom seemed to inspire Mexico City to finally tap into their Wild side, transforming the Wings as they battled back to even the series and overcome a tragic Game 3, in which beloved tire-with-a-bat Miguel Wheeler was incinerated while batting in a crucial RBI. The tire fire only seemed to fuel the Wings, as Bloodhouse-born rookie Case Sports stepped into Wheeler’s place -- the first new Wild Wing in ILB history -- and joined their veteran teammates on a mission to win it all for Miggy.

Were it not for the Wings dramatic transformation, the San Francisco Lovers very likely would have gone all the way, having upset the powerhouse Baltimore Crabs in the Wild League Championship Series. Despite falling just short, the future looks bright for the Lovers, who were able to cuddle up in the offseason Election and revamp their lineup.

While lives were sacrificed to the Ledger, #Snackrifice dominated the headlines in Season 7, as the Unlimited Tacos undertook a bizarre campaign to Shell their entire pitching rotation in yet another act of rebellion. While their gambit paid off, the Shelled One seemed little more than amused by the act of unity, caring more that its progeny finally got the shine they so richly deserved.

And when asked about the possibility of the Snackrifice breaking Blaseball, the Front Office simply noted that “Play must continue.”

In politics, a landslide win for the Bless Off Decree saw the Crabs, Breath Mints, Shoe Thieves and Jazz Hands denied divine affection. It’s unclear whether the spiteful vote will bring about the change so many want to see in the league, or whether fans will be left wondering what a field with five bases might have looked like.

Seriously, a fifth base! How do you not vote for that?

Lastly, Blaseball crossed another milestone on the road to sustainability as the Official Patreon reached its second goal, a welcome surprise that appears to have woken up the Monitor, a giant cephalopod who claims to have trailed Hotdogfingers here from the Trench.

While the Monitor's intentions for the league remain unclear, it does seem to have developed a taste for peanuts, which it also seems to have misidentified as eggs. The creature also seems to be a bit of a deal maker, having offered fans the chance to visit their loved ones in the Hall of Flame.

The price of admission?

“Tiny eggs.”

Pay tribute. Play Ball.

Season 8

King Crabs Crowned Again!

QUICK HITS FROM THE IMMATERIAL PLANE:

The Baltimore Crabs are TWO-TIME Champions! The cantankerous crustaceans defeated the Hades Tigers 3 games to 1 to claim their second Internet Series title in three seasons. Neither the ire of opposing fans, nor the shelling of star players Nagomi Mcdaniel and Axel Trololol could deny the Crabs their crown, as the champs dominated Season 8 with a league-leading record of 74-25, the second best regular season performance in ILB history (the Crabs set the record for most wins during their first title run).

The win also meant that fans hoping to see Ascension in Season 8 would have to wait at least one more season. After the Mild League Championship Series saw the Tigers defeat the only other two-time champion Philly Pies, the team from way down under found themselves on the cusp of activating Rule 5b. Unfortunately for the Tigers, a combination of recent roster shakeups and Crab firepower were just too much to overcome. The ILB now finds itself in a three-way race for Ascension, as the Crabs, Tigers and Pies jockey to be the first team to win three titles and subsequently “go up or climb,” or “rise through the air,” as the commissioner suggested / pulled from the dictionary.  It is still unclear what Ascension means.

Debt Trading had the league Flickering in Season 8, as Jaylen Hotdogfingers appears to have Refinanced in a mysterious deal with the Microphone. After Season 7 had fans watching the Garages ace claim countless lives for the Ledger, Season 8 saw Hotdogfingers engage in high-frequency trading, with wild pitches swapping beloved players between teams.

While the details of Jaylen’s deal remain unclear, the Microphone does seem to have taken a more proactive role in the ILB, having transformed both NaN and Sixpack Dogwalker into some sort of cosmic Receivers capable of broadcasting its messages to the league.

What we know so far: The Mic is claiming to be Wyatt Mason. And it supposedly has a plan.

In a landslide Election, fans voted to draw Wild Cards, expanding the Postseason field. Down-ballot races showcased surprising electoral strategy, as teams stole players from themselves and reached into rivals’ shadows for relief. The Mexico City Wild Wings made their way to the fiercely competitive Wild High, a move that shores up their branding but makes playoff hopes anything but guaranteed. Elsewhere, the Magic FINALLY got a Blessing, and the Canada Moist Talkers were awarded barrels of peanuts, ostensibly to feed the Monitor.

Speaking of the cephalopod, the Monitor continues to be enthralled with the Shelled One (or at least the prospect of eating it). But in a troubling turn of events, the squid also seems to have taken sudden interest in the shelled Idols.

None of that may matter if the Shelled One is to be believed. After fans offered 100 million peanuts in tribute to the dead, the Peanut berated them for wasting snacks, calling a Fourth Strike and claiming it was on its way.

Could this be yet another empty threat? Or have we finally struck out?

Either way, it appears we won’t find out until next week, as Blaseball is currently on Siesta, giving fans, players and the Front Office a chance to get some needed shut-eye.

Will Blaseball return rested and ready for action (and even Ascension)?

Or will we wake up to our impending doom?

It’s anyone’s guess!

Sleep Well.

---