Pitching Machine

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The subject of this page has been Preserved.
They may have participated in the ILB Semi-Centennial. No other information is available after their entry into the Vault. Tour the collection here.
In case of incomplete records, post on the Talk page.

For the New York Millennials player, see Pitching Machine (Season 22 birth).

Pitching Machine is a pitcher for the Vault Legends and has been with the team since the ILB Semi-Centennial. Machine has previously played for the Unlimited Tacos, THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS, Seattle Garages, Ohio Worms, San Francisco Lovers, and Atlantis Georgias.

Official League Records

Machine joined the league on Season β8, Day 1, as a pitcher for the Unlimited Tacos. Due to the fan-organized Snackrifice, all of the previous pitchers on the Tacos were  SHELLED, therefore preventing them from participating in regular play. At the start of Season 8, Machine was added to the pitching rotation as the only pitcher on the team capable of performing the role. Machine pitched every active game until Sexton Wheerer was deshelled by the birds.

At the end of the regular season, Machine was in the first position on the idol leaderboard, and as such, was  SHELLED.

On Season β9, Day X, Machine was conscripted to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS as a lineup player. Following the dispersal of the PODS during the Season β10 elections, Machine joined the Seattle Garages as a pitcher.

During the Coffee Cup, Machine played for Macchiato City as a pitcher.

Machine was traded to the Ohio Worms in exchange for Mindy Kugel during the Season β12 elections via the Exchange will, becoming a lineup player in the process.

During Season 16, going into Game 4 the Worms were losing a playoff series 2-1 against the Houston Spies. The Spies looped Sun 2, causing them to reach 3 Wins. Up 9-0 with 2 outs in the top of the ninth inning, Pitching Machine hit a 2-run, double-game-winning home run to take the series to Game 5.

Machine was traded to the San Francisco Lovers in exchange for Kichiro Guerra during the Season β16 elections via the Lovers' Plunder will.

On Season β17, Day 5, Machine tasted the Infinite and  SHELLED Breath Mints player Rodriguez Internet. Machine was traded to the Atlantis Georgias in exchange for Knight Triumphant during the Season β17 elections via the Lovers' Equivalent Exchange will, becoming a pitcher in the process.

After Day 99 of Season β18, Machine was Preserved.

During the ILB Semi-Centennial, Machine played for the Vault Legends as a pitcher.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


Aftermarket Upgrades

During Season β8, in its third game against the Baltimore Crabs, Tacos hitter Vito Kravitz "upgraded" Pitching Machine with a number of accessories including a bayonet and a laser sight. This had the unfortunate consequence of allowing the opposing batters to see exactly where the ball was aimed. The Crabs scored 8 runs before teammate Mcdowell Mason removed the laser sight.

The bayonet was not removed.

Arrival to the Garages

After the aftermath of the great Unshelling, the Garages did not expect Pitching Machine to come crashing through the roof of the Big Garage onto the field. As Oliver Notarobot began assisting in reassembling it, it suddenly flickered from pitching machine form to that of an android. Since then, Pitching Machine has been observed to change between various forms at random. The Garages members seem unfazed by this, assuming it has something to do with it being from Los Angeli. A few things remain consistent throughout the iterations:

  • Pitching Machine remembers everything that has happened to its previous iterations upon arrival.
  • Pitching Machine is always a pitcher (Time with the PODS notwithstanding.)

Arrival in Ohio

Pitching Machine’s time with the Ohio Worms is currently shrouded in mystery.

Arrival to the Lovers

Pitching Machine arrived in San Francisco during Season 16 via a late-processed request by long-time fan and life partner, Ortiz Lopez. Upon Pitching Machine’s arrival it discovered that Lopez had already been traded to the Atlantis Georgias, where they were to be reunited next season. Much to the team’s surprise, despite all known facts about Pitching Machine pointing to the contrary, Pitching Machine would be batting in their line-up. None were more surprised however than Cannonball Sports, a player most famous for her pregame ritual of destroying pitching machines and until recently had been a pitcher for the team. The two players quickly realized they had to reconcile their differences if they were to remain batting in the same line-up.

Steadily, Sports grew to respect the batting skills of the machine designed only to pitch, and soon, to respect the machine not only as a player, but as a friend. Other members of the team noted the closeness of the two, and speculation arose about the exact status of their relationship. It was short lived however as Pitching Machine was soon to be exchanged to the Altantis Georgias for long-time team captain and founder, Knight Triumphant, upon completion of Triumphant’s diplomatic mission to Atlantis. Sports and Pitching Machine departed on good terms, Sports doing her best to be understanding of the arrangement, but the nature of the art she produced following its departure, soulful depictions of broken pitching machines, tells another story.

Reported Forms

After joining the Garages, Pitching Machine began changing forms at random. The IRM randomly chooses one reported form of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-844.2 out of its Rumor Registry...

Pitching Machine #8442

From Los Angeli Universe: 8442

Appearance: A Pitching Machine with a trombone in place of the typical chute. Its bayonet is affixed to its slide tube.

Details: After getting annoyed at people asking about their last name and if they play the trombone, Garages pitcher Betsy Trombone fashioned this version of Pitching Machine[1], affixing a functional Trombone to its chassis in place of its normal mechanisms. It seems to have an affinity for Betsy, taking after them and threatening to stab anyone within slide tube range. It is capable of firing balls from its horn, though it does need its spitvalve cleared out once every inning.

Musical ability: Doot! This iteration often contributes to the ska band made up of Betsy Trombone, Ollie Mueller, Summers Pony, and Farrell Seagull.

This concludes the description of the reported form.


Pitching Machine has what some fans would call a relationship with Ortiz Lopez, although it's still unclear whether it's all just coincidence Lopez has attributed meaning to or the feelings are reciprocated. The relationship was the basis for the first entry in a book series by famous author Chulck Tangle.

Pitching Machine also appears to have a close relationship with Oliver Notarobot, the two having inspired one another in various ways. Notarobot assisted in applying the "This Machine Kills Fascists" sticker to the side of it when it joined the league, and Pitching Machine was reportedly the reason Notarobot decided to tell the league of his android nature.

Malik Destiny frequently feeds guitar picks (referred to by him as "tricoins") to Pitching Machine in a literal attempt to feed the meter. Despite the team's insistence that Destiny stop, the picks have not appeared to negatively affect Pitching Machine's performance. It has been noted that Pitching Machine will always accept these, regardless of form.

Media Relations

Attempts to interview Pitching Machine have so far been unsuccessful. Machine has never responded to journalists' questions at press conferences, and teammates say that it is stoic in the dugout as well. However, it is well documented that reporters who objectify it as "the" or "a" pitching machine must duck to avoid a barrage of blaseballs being hurled their way.

Performance on the field

Season 11 Playoffs

Pitching Machine was instrumental in the Seattle Garages' victory in the Season 11 MLDS against the Charleston Shoe Thieves, allowing only 2 hits and 1 run in the crucial Game 5, clinching the series. Against the Hellmouth Sunbeams in the Internet Series, Pitching Machine allowed only 4 runs in a close Game 2 loss, performing the best out of any Garages pitcher against the eventual champions.

During Pitching Machine's playoff heroics, the nickname "Parking Meter" was coined to honor one of the Garages' most stoic and reliable pitching talents. Fans chant "FEED THE METER" to encourage PM, and erupt in cheers when PM records a strikeout.

Fan Works

Pitching Machine is the focus of the following songs:

Visual Works