Difference between revisions of "Joe Voorhees"

From Blaseball Wiki

m (horosclope)
m (Use NewAutomatedPlayer)
 
(16 intermediate revisions by 3 users not shown)
Line 1: Line 1:
−
{{AutomatedPlayer
+
{{NewAutomatedPlayer
−
|image1=BLOOD OF THE DROWNED.jpg
+
|image1= BLOOD OF THE DROWNED.jpg
−
|caption1=Art by '''[https://twitter.com/HORSEIZONTAL/status/1335286969920856065 @HORSEIZONTAL]'''
+
|caption1= Art by '''[https://twitter.com/HORSEIZONTAL/status/1335286969920856065 @HORSEIZONTAL]'''
−
|former=[[Canada Moist Talkers]], [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]], [[Houston Spies]]
+
|former= [[Canada Moist Talkers]], [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]], [[Houston Spies]], [[Hellmouth Sunbeams]]
−
|dates=Jul 20, 2020–present
+
|dates= Jul 20, 2020–present
−
|horosclope=Blessed Absolution
+
|husbands= [[Blood Hamburger]]
−
|pronouns=He/Him
+
|jersey_number= 13
−
|language(s)=American Sign Language, Quebec Sign Language, English, French
+
|shoe_specialty= Ice skates
−
|uuid =1f145436-b25d-49b9-a1e3-2d3c91626211}}
+
|horosclope= Blessed Absolution
−
'''Joe Voorhees''' is a player in the [[Shadows]] for the [[Hellmouth Sunbeams]], and has been with the Sunbeams since [[Season 7]], Day 60. Voorhees has previously played for the [[Canada Moist Talkers]], [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]], and [[Houston Spies]].
+
|pronouns= he/him
 +
|language(s)= American Sign Language, Quebec Sign Language, English, French
 +
|uuid= 1f145436-b25d-49b9-a1e3-2d3c91626211}}
 +
'''Joe Voorhees''' is a player for the [[Miami Dale]], and has been with the team since [[Fall Ball]]. Voorhees has previously played for the [[Canada Moist Talkers]], [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]], [[Houston Spies]], and [[Hellmouth Sunbeams]].
  
 
==Official League Records==
 
==Official League Records==
−
Voorhees joined the [[ILB]] as a lineup player for the [[Canada Moist Talkers]] with [[Season 1 | the Return of Blaseball]].
+
Voorhees joined the [[ILB]] as a lineup player for the [[Canada Moist Talkers]] with {{BetaSeason|1| the Return of Blaseball}}.
  
−
During the [[Season 3#Election Results|Season 3 elections]] the Moist Talkers benefited from the [[Season_3#Blessings|'''Rigour Mortis''']] blessing the [[Houston Spies]] received, which increased Voorhees' baserunning from {{Star Rating|2}} to {{Star Rating|2.5}}.
+
During the {{BetaSeason|3#Election Results|@ elections}} the Moist Talkers benefited from the {{BetaSeason|3#Blessings|'''Rigour Mortis'''}} blessing the [[Houston Spies]] received, which increased Voorhees' baserunning from {{Star Rating|2}} to {{Star Rating|2.5}}.
  
−
On [[Season 4]], Day 28, Voorhees was exchanged to the [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]] due to [[Feedback]]. Voorhees was replaced by [[Workman Gloom]].
+
On {{BetaSeason|4}}, Day 28, Voorhees was exchanged to the [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]] due to [[Feedback]]. Voorhees was replaced by [[Workman Gloom]].
  
−
On [[Season 6]], Day 76, Voorhees swallowed a [[Peanuts|peanut]] and had a [[Peanuts_(weather)#Reactions|allergic]] reaction, decreasing all of their stats by {{Star Rating|1}}. Voorhees was traded to the [[Houston Spies]] in exchange for [[Howell Franklin]] during the [[Season 6#Election Results|Season 6 elections]] as a result of the Shoe Thieves receiving the [[Season_6#Blessings|'''Who?''']] blessing.
+
On {{BetaSeason|6}}, Day 76, Voorhees swallowed a [[Peanuts|peanut]] and had a [[Peanuts_(weather)#Reactions|allergic]] reaction, decreasing all of their stats by {{Star Rating|1}}. Voorhees was traded to the [[Houston Spies]] in exchange for [[Howell Franklin]] during the {{BetaSeason|6#Election Results|@ elections}} as a result of the Shoe Thieves receiving the {{BetaSeason|6#Blessings|'''Who?'''}} blessing.
  
−
On [[Season 7]], Day 60, Voorhees was exchanged to the [[Hellmouth Sunbeams]] due to [[Feedback]]. Voorhees was replaced by [[Malik Romayne]]. During the [[Season 7#Election|Season 7 elections]], Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' [[Shadows]] as a result of the [[Season_7#Blessings|'''Downsizing''']] blessing.
+
On {{BetaSeason|7}}, Day 60, Voorhees was exchanged to the [[Hellmouth Sunbeams]] due to [[Feedback]]. Voorhees was replaced by [[Malik Romayne]]. During the {{BetaSeason|7#Election|@ elections}}, Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' [[Shadows]] as a result of the {{BetaSeason|7#Blessings|'''Downsizing'''}} blessing.
  
−
During the [[Season 16#Election Results|Season 16 elections]], Voorhees rejoined the Sunbeams' lineup in exchange for [[Dudley Mueller]] as a result of the Sunbeams' [[Season 16#Wills|'''Foreshadow''']] will.
+
During the {{BetaSeason|16#Election Results|@ elections}}, Voorhees rejoined the Sunbeams' lineup in exchange for [[Dudley Mueller]] as a result of the Sunbeams' {{BetaSeason|16#Wills|'''Foreshadow'''}} will.
  
−
On [[Season 17]], Day 75, Voorhees was {{Shelled}} in a game with [[Peanuts (weather)|Peanut]] weather by [[Tokyo Lift]] lineup player [[Jessica Telephone]].
+
On {{BetaSeason|17}}, Day 75, Voorhees was {{Shelled}} in a game with [[Peanuts (weather)|Peanut]] weather by [[Tokyo Lift]] lineup player [[Jessica Telephone]].
  
−
During the [[Season 17#Election Results|Season 17 elections]], Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' Shadows in exchange for [[Nagomi Nava]] as a result of the Sunbeams' [[Season 17#Wills|'''Foreshadow''']] will, resulting in a combined {{Star Change|6.2|6.9}} stat increase.
+
During the {{BetaSeason|17#Election Results|@ elections}}, Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' Shadows in exchange for [[Nagomi Nava]] as a result of the Sunbeams' {{BetaSeason|17#Wills|'''Foreshadow'''}} will, resulting in a combined {{Star Change|6.2|6.9}} stat increase.
 +
 
 +
During the November 4, 2022 [[Fall Ball]], Voorhees fell to the [[Miami Dale]].
 
{{Community Lore}}
 
{{Community Lore}}
  
−
==Career With The Moist Talkers==
+
==It Came from the Throat...==
 
Voorhees was variously described by his teammates as "solitary", "unnerving", "quiet", and "prone to leaving rusty stains in the water." During his tenure, he took up residence in a cabin within the Under-Arena, a location presently referred to as the [[Gleek Arena#The Throat|Throat]]. Ultimately, all reports say Voorhees was both well-loved and well-feared by fans and players alike, a common status for players within the Chaotic Evil division.
 
Voorhees was variously described by his teammates as "solitary", "unnerving", "quiet", and "prone to leaving rusty stains in the water." During his tenure, he took up residence in a cabin within the Under-Arena, a location presently referred to as the [[Gleek Arena#The Throat|Throat]]. Ultimately, all reports say Voorhees was both well-loved and well-feared by fans and players alike, a common status for players within the Chaotic Evil division.
 +
===Halifax Disappearances===
 +
In completely coincidental timing, Joe Voorhees joined the [[Canada Moist Talkers]] at the same time as multiple groups of self-styled "thrillseekers" vanished from the park during games. Some witnesses claim to have seen Voorhees following these individuals throughout the stadium. The individuals in question all disappeared while exploring a dark hallway, deep in the bowels of the stadium leading to a run-down shack rumored to be Voorhees's home at the time. Anyone who has attempted to enter the shack has never been seen again. When asked about this, a Moist Talkers representative responded: <blockquote>The Moist Talkers don't know anything about any "disappearances" within our stadium. I would advise all fans stay within the well lit parts of our stadium and refrain from exploring the rest of it. On the subject of Joe Voorhees "stalking" folks throughout the park, all I can say is that he's in our dugout during the games. The only way he would be able to get out with nobody noticing is if he could teleport or something, which is absolutely preposterous.</blockquote> When asked if he had any involvement in the supposed disappearances, Voorhees refused to answer.
  
−
==Career With The Shoe Thieves==
+
==Found ''Foot''age==
 
Following his trade to the [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]], Voorhees was initially met with a cool reception by both players and fans, likely due to either some resentment at his replacement of Charleston veteran [[Workman Gloom]] or disagreements over the appropriate number of homicides per game.
 
Following his trade to the [[Charleston Shoe Thieves]], Voorhees was initially met with a cool reception by both players and fans, likely due to either some resentment at his replacement of Charleston veteran [[Workman Gloom]] or disagreements over the appropriate number of homicides per game.
  
 
Following an altercation over the disappearance of several Shoe Thieves fans shortly after Voorhees's transfer, pitcher and manager [[Cornelius Games]] publicly banned him from the Charleston team clubhouse, reportedly stating: "Don't come back until you either learn to how to snag a pair of heels off a runway model or how to have some [expletive removed] respect."  
 
Following an altercation over the disappearance of several Shoe Thieves fans shortly after Voorhees's transfer, pitcher and manager [[Cornelius Games]] publicly banned him from the Charleston team clubhouse, reportedly stating: "Don't come back until you either learn to how to snag a pair of heels off a runway model or how to have some [expletive removed] respect."  
  
−
In addition to duties as a hitter and position player, Voorhees assumed Workman Gloom's role as caretaker for team mascot and pitcher [[Beasley Gloom]]. While Voorhees initially found this role "challenging", according to teammates, he eventually formed a close bond with the pitcher, who shared his lifelong love of [[Slim Jim]] beef jerky snacks.
+
In addition to duties as a hitter and position player, Voorhees took it upon himself to care for [[Beasley Gloom]]<ref>With the help of new teammate [[Esme Ramsey]].</ref> in Workman's absence. While Voorhees initially found this role "challenging", according to teammates, he eventually formed a close bond with the pitcher, who shared his lifelong love of [[Slim Jim]] beef jerky snacks.
  
 
Struggling to bond with his new team, Voorhees reached out to his replacement on the Moist Talkers for advice. Gloom reportedly told him that "to be a Shoe Thief, you need to thieve some shoes," as well as advising him that many people, including most of the Charleston roster, disapprove of murder and may be uncomfortable around someone who commits it, a fact that Voorhees later stated he had "never been told before."  
 
Struggling to bond with his new team, Voorhees reached out to his replacement on the Moist Talkers for advice. Gloom reportedly told him that "to be a Shoe Thief, you need to thieve some shoes," as well as advising him that many people, including most of the Charleston roster, disapprove of murder and may be uncomfortable around someone who commits it, a fact that Voorhees later stated he had "never been told before."  
Line 44: Line 51:
 
Shortly after his first month playing with Charleston, the team held a party for Voorhees, presenting him with a pair of steel-toed boots stolen from a rare earth metals processing plant, and a "30 Days Murder Free!" badge designed and constructed by [[Velasquez Alstott]].
 
Shortly after his first month playing with Charleston, the team held a party for Voorhees, presenting him with a pair of steel-toed boots stolen from a rare earth metals processing plant, and a "30 Days Murder Free!" badge designed and constructed by [[Velasquez Alstott]].
  
−
==Career with the Spies==
+
==Non-Violent Initial Confrontation==
−
Voorhees's tenure with the [[Houston Spies]] lasted a mere sixty days, but according to declassified exit interviews he expressed confusion at the Spies' culture. Voorhees would insist he'd never been involved in murders of any description. By his PR agent, [[Mandy Sulaco|Mandy Sulaco's]] account, Voorhees claimed his teammates would "just wink and nod knowingly. Very weird vibes."
+
Voorhees' tenure with the [[Houston Spies]] lasted a mere sixty days, but according to declassified exit interviews he expressed confusion at the team's culture. Even after insisting on multiple occasions that he had no involvement in murders of any description, Voorhees claimed his teammates would "just wink and nod knowingly. Very weird vibes."
  
−
On transferring to the Sunbeams, Voorhees expressed considerable excitement at the prospect, describing Hellmouth as "basically the most cursed, awful, place in all of Blaseball. It’s a slasher film aficionado's dream, you know?"
+
On transferring to the Sunbeams, Voorhees expressed considerable excitement at the prospect, describing [[Hellmouth (town)|Hellmouth]] as "basically the most cursed, awful, place in all of Blaseball. It's a slasher film aficionado's dream, you know?"
  
−
==Career with the Sunbeams==
+
==Dragged Off to Hell==
 
[[File:Hellmouth Detective Agency.png|alt=Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd|thumb|200x200px|Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd]]
 
[[File:Hellmouth Detective Agency.png|alt=Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd|thumb|200x200px|Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd]]
−
Voorhees hired/was adopted by PR agent [[Mandy Sulaco]], following initial objections among murder-opposed individuals in the wider Hellmouth community who felt Voorhees "to be a terrible role model for our, well, I don’t think any of us are actually cruel enough to raise young people without their say-so in the Hellmouth, but still."
+
Despite concerns from individuals in the wider Hellmouth community about Voorhees' supposed pastimes, among the Beams themselves, the matter appeared mostly settled following two key encounters. The first was between Voorhees and [[Lars Taylor]], where the two reportedly engaged in seventy seconds of animated discussion in both ASL and LSQ before Taylor told everyone "he's cool." [[Nagomi Nava]] expressed a similar sentiment following an eight-minute staredown with Voorhees in a corridor.
  
−
Among the Beams themselves, meanwhile, the matter appeared mostly settled following two key encounters. The first was between Voorhees and [[Lars Taylor]], where the two reportedly engaged in seventy seconds of animated discussion in both ASL and LSQ before Taylor told everyone "he’s cool." [[Nagomi Nava]] expressed a similar sentiment following an eight-minute staredown with Voorhees in a corridor.
+
Voorhees continued to be connected or otherwise implicated with "disappearances" around Hellmouth. Fellow Sunbeams batter and part-time noir detective [[Nerd Pacheco]], after consulting with Taylor and Nava, extended an offer to Voorhees to jointly open a detective agency.<ref>Partly to clear Voorhees's name by catching the actual killers, but (according to Pacheco) "also cuz it's cool as hell."</ref>
−
 
 
−
Despite Sulaco's best efforts, Joe Voorhees continued to be connected or otherwise implicated with "disappearances" around Hellmouth. Fellow Sunbeams batter and part-time noir detective [[Nerd Pacheco]], after consulting with Taylor and Nava, extended an offer to Voorhees to jointly open a detective agency.<ref>Partly to clear Voorhees's name by catching the actual killers, but (according to Pacheco) "also cuz it's cool as hell."</ref>
 
  
 
During his 39-day career with the Sunbeams, Voorhees hit a respectable total of 10 home runs, including a Grand Slam on Day 91.
 
During his 39-day career with the Sunbeams, Voorhees hit a respectable total of 10 home runs, including a Grand Slam on Day 91.
Line 61: Line 66:
 
Voorhees was a common sight around the Hellmouth community prior to his disappearance. He made time outside of his busy blaseball schedule to volunteer with community events, such as: knife sharpening workshops, cleaning and flossing the Hellmouth's [[teeth]], and distributing topiary shears to Hellmouth households. He also enjoyed exploring Utah's varied [[Hellmouth#Natural Features and Recreation|national parks]], against the recommendations of the Sunbeams' coaching team.
 
Voorhees was a common sight around the Hellmouth community prior to his disappearance. He made time outside of his busy blaseball schedule to volunteer with community events, such as: knife sharpening workshops, cleaning and flossing the Hellmouth's [[teeth]], and distributing topiary shears to Hellmouth households. He also enjoyed exploring Utah's varied [[Hellmouth#Natural Features and Recreation|national parks]], against the recommendations of the Sunbeams' coaching team.
  
−
{{IRM|PlayerName=Joe Voorhees|intro=The circumstances surrounding Joe Voorhees' disappearance into the Shadows are hotly debated. The IRM randomly chooses one rumor of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded.|title=Disappearance|banner=Joe Voorhees was in Hellmouth. He doesn’t appear to be any more. If anybody’s seen him, please contact Mandy Sulaco immediately.}}
+
<h3>The End... Or Is It?</h3>
−
 
+
{{#dpl:titlematch=Joe Voorhees/IF-%
−
==Controversies==
+
|replaceintitle=/.+\//,
−
{{ContentWarning|implied violence}}
+
|namespace=
−
===Halifax Disappearances===
+
|format=\n«choose uncached»,\n«option»::''The circumstances surrounding Joe Voorhees' disappearance into the [[Shadows]] are still hotly debated to this day. The IRM randomly chooses one rumor of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. This time&#44; the [[Interdimensional Rumor Mill]] reveals a Rumor from [[%PAGE%|%TITLE%]] out of its [[Joe Voorhees/Rumor_Registry|Rumor Registry]]...''\n,«/option»,\n«/choose»
−
In completely coincidental timing, Joe Voorhees joined the [[Canada Moist Talkers]] at the same time as multiple groups of self-styled "thrillseekers" vanished from the park during games. Some witnesses claim to have seen Voorhees following these individuals throughout the stadium. The individuals in question all disappeared while exploring a dark hallway, deep in the bowels of the stadium leading to a run-down shack rumored to be Voorhees's home at the time. Anyone who has attempted to enter the shack has never been seen again. When asked about this, a Moist Talkers representative responded: <blockquote>The Moist Talkers don't know anything about any "disappearances" within our stadium. I would advise all fans stay within the well lit parts of our stadium and refrain from exploring the rest of it. On the subject of Joe Voorhees "stalking" folks throughout the park, all I can say is that he's in our dugout during the games. The only way he would be able to get out with nobody noticing is if he could teleport or something, which is absolutely preposterous.</blockquote> When asked if he had any involvement in the supposed disappearances, Voorhees refused to answer.
+
|include=*}}<nowiki/>  
  
 
==Trivia==
 
==Trivia==
−
 
 
*Voorhees is definitely not undead serial killer and horror movie icon Jason Voorhees wearing two hlockey masks, that's just his preferred headgear of choice.
 
*Voorhees is definitely not undead serial killer and horror movie icon Jason Voorhees wearing two hlockey masks, that's just his preferred headgear of choice.
 
*Voorhees is famous in the world of Blaseball for never running, yet somehow always being where he needs to be at the right time. Fans have tried to see how he does it but always manage to just barely miss his movements. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
 
*Voorhees is famous in the world of Blaseball for never running, yet somehow always being where he needs to be at the right time. Fans have tried to see how he does it but always manage to just barely miss his movements. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
Line 77: Line 81:
 
*Voorhees is known for maintaining a collection of rare and high-quality knives, which he used for his hobby of preparing fresh sushi for his teammates while with the Charleston Shoe Thieves.
 
*Voorhees is known for maintaining a collection of rare and high-quality knives, which he used for his hobby of preparing fresh sushi for his teammates while with the Charleston Shoe Thieves.
 
*During his career with the Shoe Thieves, Vorhees specialized in stealing ice skates—the closest shoes to knives.
 
*During his career with the Shoe Thieves, Vorhees specialized in stealing ice skates—the closest shoes to knives.
−
*In Season 7, the [[Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board]] awarded Joe Voorhees its coveted "Number One Reason For The Season (not to come to the Hellmouth)" Recognition, awarded to the most upstanding examples of why people should not visit the [[Hellmouth]].
+
*In Season 7, the [[Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board]] awarded Joe Voorhees its coveted "Number One Reason For The Season (not to come to the Hellmouth)" Recognition, awarded to the most upstanding examples of why people should not visit the [[Hellmouth (entity)|Hellmouth]].
 
*Voorhees is credited as the inventor of skateboarding, despite the fact that he uses a scooter and does not know how to skateboard.
 
*Voorhees is credited as the inventor of skateboarding, despite the fact that he uses a scooter and does not know how to skateboard.
  
 
==Nicknames==
 
==Nicknames==
−
 
 
*The Slasher
 
*The Slasher
 
*GI (Good Intentions) Joe (upon arrival in Hellmouth)
 
*GI (Good Intentions) Joe (upon arrival in Hellmouth)
 +
*Joe Mama
 +
*Sloppy Joe (take a shower stinky)
  
 
==Fan Works==
 
==Fan Works==
Line 94: Line 99:
 
File:Spiesjoe.jpg|alt=Joe Voorhees in front of a [REDACTED] background wearing a Spies trench coat, holding one finger up to his mouth in a "shhh" gesture.|Voorhees on the Spies<br />by '''[https://twitter.com/shenaniglenn/status/1335776954428100612 @shenaniglenn]'''
 
File:Spiesjoe.jpg|alt=Joe Voorhees in front of a [REDACTED] background wearing a Spies trench coat, holding one finger up to his mouth in a "shhh" gesture.|Voorhees on the Spies<br />by '''[https://twitter.com/shenaniglenn/status/1335776954428100612 @shenaniglenn]'''
 
File:Beamsjoe.jpg|alt=Joe Voorhees in the Shadows. He is wearing a cropped Sunbeams jersey with the sleeves torn off, and is holding one hand above the eye holes of his mask, shielding his face from the sun. The wall behind him is covered in tally marks.|Voorhees on the Sunbeams<br />by '''[https://twitter.com/shenaniglenn/status/1335776954428100612 @shenaniglenn]'''
 
File:Beamsjoe.jpg|alt=Joe Voorhees in the Shadows. He is wearing a cropped Sunbeams jersey with the sleeves torn off, and is holding one hand above the eye holes of his mask, shielding his face from the sun. The wall behind him is covered in tally marks.|Voorhees on the Sunbeams<br />by '''[https://twitter.com/shenaniglenn/status/1335776954428100612 @shenaniglenn]'''
−
File:52JoeVoorhees.png|Mini-Blaseballer by '''[http://miniblaseball.surge.sh/ @HetreaSky]'''
+
File:52JoeVoorhees.png|Mini-Blaseballer<br />by '''[http://miniblaseball.surge.sh/ @HetreaSky]'''
−
File:VORHEES by coblin.png|Voorhees in the Hellmouth, by {{Twitter|name=Krasi_Savov}}
+
File:VORHEES by coblin.png|Voorhees in the Hellmouth<br />by [https://twitter.com/Krasi_Savov '''Coblin''']
−
File:Joeblood couch.png|Voorhees taking a siesta with former teammates [[Beasley Gloom]] and [[Blood Hamburger]] by {{Twitter|name=shenaniglenn}}  
+
File:Joeblood couch.png|Voorhees taking a siesta with former teammates [[Beasley Gloom]] and [[Blood Hamburger]]<br />by {{Twitter|name=shenaniglenn}}  
 
File:Art by @ waalkr 36.png|alt=A sketch of Joe Voorhees in Sunbeams Colors with a blaseball bat.|by '''[https://twitter.com/_waalkr/status/1325510170726838273 @_waalkr]'''
 
File:Art by @ waalkr 36.png|alt=A sketch of Joe Voorhees in Sunbeams Colors with a blaseball bat.|by '''[https://twitter.com/_waalkr/status/1325510170726838273 @_waalkr]'''
 
File:BLOOD OF THE DROWNED.jpg|alt=A digital drawing of Sunbeams player Joe Voorhees, partially submerged in water, holding a blaseball bat in one hand and a machete in the other.|by '''[https://twitter.com/HORSEIZONTAL/status/1335286969920856065 @HORSEIZONTAL]'''
 
File:BLOOD OF THE DROWNED.jpg|alt=A digital drawing of Sunbeams player Joe Voorhees, partially submerged in water, holding a blaseball bat in one hand and a machete in the other.|by '''[https://twitter.com/HORSEIZONTAL/status/1335286969920856065 @HORSEIZONTAL]'''
−
File:Do you see this blorch, sutton bishop avatar of bishop sutton.jpg|Joe Voorhees asking [[Sutton Bishop]] avatar of Bishop Sutton if it's seen this blorch, by '''[https://twitter.com/revivificating/status/1359340837533077509?s=20 Ash]'''
+
File:Do you see this blorch, sutton bishop avatar of bishop sutton.jpg|Voorhees asking [[Sutton Bishop]] if it's seen this blorch<br />by '''[https://twitter.com/revivificating/status/1359340837533077509 Ash]'''
 +
File:What That Joe Do?.png|alt=A digital drawing done in Kidpix of Sunbeams player Joe Voorhees. He is standing in dark water that reaches just past his ankles completely engulfed in shadows, and is resting a blaseball bat on right shoulder while holding a knife in his left hand. The drawing is illuminated just slightly by a yellow and red light from the right, out of view.|by {{Twitter|name=amadis}}
 +
File:Yea ok cool.jpg|alt=A digital sketch of Joe Voorhees. Joe is wearing a yellow-orange tank top and his signature hockey mask that has a sun emblem in the center of the forehead. He is giving a thumbs up.|by [https://twitter.com/_pysics/status/1462466187078606854 '''@_pysics''']
 +
File:It's ketchup I swear.jpg|alt=A digital drawing of Hahn Fox, Joe Voorhees, and Sigmund Castillo. Hahn is a Black woman with pink squid-tentacle hair who is wearing a lavender button up shirt and dark purple shorts. She is next to Joe, a brown haired man in a hockey mask and long sleeved black shirt. Over this he is wearing a dark apron with red stains on it. The two of them are standing on one of the towers of Sigmund, a castle flying a red flag with a yellow design on it, and Hahn has one arm extended with her phone as she holds the other hand up in a peace sign, taking a selfie in front of the flag with Joe.|Voorhees with [[Hahn Fox]] and [[Sigmund Castillo]]<br />[https://twitter.com/sapphriarocks/status/1478110445844140035 '''Olive''']
 
</gallery>
 
</gallery>
 
==References==
 
==References==
 
<references />
 
<references />
−
{{AutomatedPlayerNav|1f145436-b25d-49b9-a1e3-2d3c91626211|sunbeams}}
+
{{AutomatedPlayerNav|1f145436-b25d-49b9-a1e3-2d3c91626211|dale}}
−
{{FormerTeamCategorySelector|moist talkers|shoe thieves|spies}}
+
{{FormerTeamCategorySelector|moist talkers|shoe thieves|spies|sunbeams}}
 
[[Category:Original Players]]
 
[[Category:Original Players]]
 
[[Category:Nominative Determinism]]
 
[[Category:Nominative Determinism]]

Latest revision as of 03:56, 18 January 2023

Joe Voorhees is a player for the Miami Dale, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Voorhees has previously played for the Canada Moist Talkers, Charleston Shoe Thieves, Houston Spies, and Hellmouth Sunbeams.

Official League Records

Voorhees joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Canada Moist Talkers with the Return of Blaseball.

During the Season β3 elections the Moist Talkers benefited from the Rigour Mortis blessing the Houston Spies received, which increased Voorhees' baserunning from to .

On Season β4, Day 28, Voorhees was exchanged to the Charleston Shoe Thieves due to Feedback. Voorhees was replaced by Workman Gloom.

On Season β6, Day 76, Voorhees swallowed a peanut and had a allergic reaction, decreasing all of their stats by . Voorhees was traded to the Houston Spies in exchange for Howell Franklin during the Season β6 elections as a result of the Shoe Thieves receiving the Who? blessing.

On Season β7, Day 60, Voorhees was exchanged to the Hellmouth Sunbeams due to Feedback. Voorhees was replaced by Malik Romayne. During the Season β7 elections, Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' Shadows as a result of the Downsizing blessing.

During the Season β16 elections, Voorhees rejoined the Sunbeams' lineup in exchange for Dudley Mueller as a result of the Sunbeams' Foreshadow will.

On Season β17, Day 75, Voorhees was  SHELLED in a game with Peanut weather by Tokyo Lift lineup player Jessica Telephone.

During the Season β17 elections, Voorhees retreated to the Sunbeams' Shadows in exchange for Nagomi Nava as a result of the Sunbeams' Foreshadow will, resulting in a combined 6.2 → 6.9 stat increase.

During the November 4, 2022 Fall Ball, Voorhees fell to the Miami Dale.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

It Came from the Throat...

Voorhees was variously described by his teammates as "solitary", "unnerving", "quiet", and "prone to leaving rusty stains in the water." During his tenure, he took up residence in a cabin within the Under-Arena, a location presently referred to as the Throat. Ultimately, all reports say Voorhees was both well-loved and well-feared by fans and players alike, a common status for players within the Chaotic Evil division.

Halifax Disappearances

In completely coincidental timing, Joe Voorhees joined the Canada Moist Talkers at the same time as multiple groups of self-styled "thrillseekers" vanished from the park during games. Some witnesses claim to have seen Voorhees following these individuals throughout the stadium. The individuals in question all disappeared while exploring a dark hallway, deep in the bowels of the stadium leading to a run-down shack rumored to be Voorhees's home at the time. Anyone who has attempted to enter the shack has never been seen again. When asked about this, a Moist Talkers representative responded:

The Moist Talkers don't know anything about any "disappearances" within our stadium. I would advise all fans stay within the well lit parts of our stadium and refrain from exploring the rest of it. On the subject of Joe Voorhees "stalking" folks throughout the park, all I can say is that he's in our dugout during the games. The only way he would be able to get out with nobody noticing is if he could teleport or something, which is absolutely preposterous.

When asked if he had any involvement in the supposed disappearances, Voorhees refused to answer.

Found Footage

Following his trade to the Charleston Shoe Thieves, Voorhees was initially met with a cool reception by both players and fans, likely due to either some resentment at his replacement of Charleston veteran Workman Gloom or disagreements over the appropriate number of homicides per game.

Following an altercation over the disappearance of several Shoe Thieves fans shortly after Voorhees's transfer, pitcher and manager Cornelius Games publicly banned him from the Charleston team clubhouse, reportedly stating: "Don't come back until you either learn to how to snag a pair of heels off a runway model or how to have some [expletive removed] respect."

In addition to duties as a hitter and position player, Voorhees took it upon himself to care for Beasley Gloom[1] in Workman's absence. While Voorhees initially found this role "challenging", according to teammates, he eventually formed a close bond with the pitcher, who shared his lifelong love of Slim Jim beef jerky snacks.

Struggling to bond with his new team, Voorhees reached out to his replacement on the Moist Talkers for advice. Gloom reportedly told him that "to be a Shoe Thief, you need to thieve some shoes," as well as advising him that many people, including most of the Charleston roster, disapprove of murder and may be uncomfortable around someone who commits it, a fact that Voorhees later stated he had "never been told before."

Gloom assisted Voorhees with stealing his first pair of shoes, a pair of 1989 Air Jordan IV's located in an airtight vault in an abandoned private collection in Sunken Charleston. Impressed with this heist, and swayed by the testimonials of both Beasley and Workman Gloom, Games relented and lifted Voorhees's ban from the clubhouse, on the condition that he refrain from murder in the future. Voorhees accepted the condition and the number of corpses discovered in Choux Stadium each week decreased dramatically.

Shortly after his first month playing with Charleston, the team held a party for Voorhees, presenting him with a pair of steel-toed boots stolen from a rare earth metals processing plant, and a "30 Days Murder Free!" badge designed and constructed by Velasquez Alstott.

Non-Violent Initial Confrontation

Voorhees' tenure with the Houston Spies lasted a mere sixty days, but according to declassified exit interviews he expressed confusion at the team's culture. Even after insisting on multiple occasions that he had no involvement in murders of any description, Voorhees claimed his teammates would "just wink and nod knowingly. Very weird vibes."

On transferring to the Sunbeams, Voorhees expressed considerable excitement at the prospect, describing Hellmouth as "basically the most cursed, awful, place in all of Blaseball. It's a slasher film aficionado's dream, you know?"

Dragged Off to Hell

Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd
Good Intentions Detective Agency, the P.I. Firm founded by Joe and Nerd

Despite concerns from individuals in the wider Hellmouth community about Voorhees' supposed pastimes, among the Beams themselves, the matter appeared mostly settled following two key encounters. The first was between Voorhees and Lars Taylor, where the two reportedly engaged in seventy seconds of animated discussion in both ASL and LSQ before Taylor told everyone "he's cool." Nagomi Nava expressed a similar sentiment following an eight-minute staredown with Voorhees in a corridor.

Voorhees continued to be connected or otherwise implicated with "disappearances" around Hellmouth. Fellow Sunbeams batter and part-time noir detective Nerd Pacheco, after consulting with Taylor and Nava, extended an offer to Voorhees to jointly open a detective agency.[2]

During his 39-day career with the Sunbeams, Voorhees hit a respectable total of 10 home runs, including a Grand Slam on Day 91.

Voorhees was a common sight around the Hellmouth community prior to his disappearance. He made time outside of his busy blaseball schedule to volunteer with community events, such as: knife sharpening workshops, cleaning and flossing the Hellmouth's teeth, and distributing topiary shears to Hellmouth households. He also enjoyed exploring Utah's varied national parks, against the recommendations of the Sunbeams' coaching team.

The End... Or Is It?

The circumstances surrounding Joe Voorhees' disappearance into the Shadows are still hotly debated to this day. The IRM randomly chooses one rumor of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-73.415 out of its Rumor Registry...

Joe joined the Order of Lanternbearers in the Shadow Moabbey, as is customary for players in the Sunbeams' Shadows. However, despite the insistence of Moabbey staff that he has taken up residence, he never seems to be available when journalists come looking.

Trivia

  • Voorhees is definitely not undead serial killer and horror movie icon Jason Voorhees wearing two hlockey masks, that's just his preferred headgear of choice.
  • Voorhees is famous in the world of Blaseball for never running, yet somehow always being where he needs to be at the right time. Fans have tried to see how he does it but always manage to just barely miss his movements. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
  • Voorhees is mute and communicates primarily in American Sign Language, or occasionally Quebec Sign Language in which he is also fluent.
    • He shares this language with his teammate, Lars Taylor. Voorhees is, to record, the only individual able to keep up with Taylor when the latter is signing at full speed with his uncountable hands.
  • Voorhees has faintly green skin. Whether this is a skin condition or some sort of dye is unknown. Voorhees has declined to comment on this matter.
  • Voorhees is known for maintaining a collection of rare and high-quality knives, which he used for his hobby of preparing fresh sushi for his teammates while with the Charleston Shoe Thieves.
  • During his career with the Shoe Thieves, Vorhees specialized in stealing ice skates—the closest shoes to knives.
  • In Season 7, the Hellmouth Anti-Tourism Board awarded Joe Voorhees its coveted "Number One Reason For The Season (not to come to the Hellmouth)" Recognition, awarded to the most upstanding examples of why people should not visit the Hellmouth.
  • Voorhees is credited as the inventor of skateboarding, despite the fact that he uses a scooter and does not know how to skateboard.

Nicknames

  • The Slasher
  • GI (Good Intentions) Joe (upon arrival in Hellmouth)
  • Joe Mama
  • Sloppy Joe (take a shower stinky)

Fan Works

Fanfiction

References

  1. ↑ With the help of new teammate Esme Ramsey.
  2. ↑ Partly to clear Voorhees's name by catching the actual killers, but (according to Pacheco) "also cuz it's cool as hell."


Miami Dale 🚤
Players Batters
Pitchers
Shadows
  • None
BuriedAlston Cerveza
Former · Full List
Stats Season1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11
Ballpark Miami International Arena
Community Lore
Staff Pitball · Mr. Wide · Danny Marinara · The Press · Miami Gerald · Tres Leches · Miami Elder League Blaseball Association
Places The Party Rock
History Miami Dale History · Pitblull · Team Culture
Fan Culture 📣   ·   Fan Works 💌   ·   Tlopps Cards 🃏
¡Dale!

Retrieved from "https://www.blaseball.wiki/index.php?title=Joe_Voorhees&oldid=101617"