Jessica Telephone
Jessica Telephone is a batter for the Philly Pies, and has been with the team since Season 4. Telephone is most known for being a star batter in the Internet League Blaseball, for being on a new team for each of the first four seasons of the League, and for being Shelled during Season 6. At this time, this is the fourth season Telephone has been with the Pies, having first been there for Season 2.
Official League Records
Telephone started on the Dallas Steaks in Season 1. At the end of the season, Telephone was blessed by the "Max Out Batter" event, which gave her a five star rating. Immediately after being maxed out, Telephone was stolen by the Philly Pies during the Steal Best Hitter blessing, where she played for the duration of Season 2. Telephone was swapped with August Mina during this blessing.
In Season 2, the Philly Pies took their second championship victory with Jessica Telephone's maxed out stats. During the Season 2 election, the Hades Tigers won the Seduction blessing, which brought Telephone to the Tigers, sending Nolanestophia Patterson back to the Pies.
In Season 3, Telephone helped bring the Tigers their first championship victory alongside Landry Violence.
On Season 4, Day 13, Telephone had a yummy reaction to a peanut which raised her batting star rating by star and her other star ratings by 1 star.
On Season 4, Day 43, Telephone was caught in Feedback and swapped teams with Spears Taylor, moving from The Hades Tigers back to The Philly Pies.
During the Season 5 election, Telephone's pitching fell from to , and baserunning fell from to as a part of the Charleston Shoe Thieves' Bad Neighbors blessing.
Following the end of the regular games in Season 6, Telephone and Nagomi Mcdaniel received the Shelled modification, which encased them in giant peanut shells. They cannot play in this state, effectively skipping them in the rotation. This was a result of the The Third Strike.
On Day 63 of Season 7, while playing a game in Lots of Birds weather, Telephone was pecked free of the shell. Upon release, they had shed their Shelled modification and instead gained Superallergic. The effect this has on Telephone is currently unknown.
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Player History
Jessica Telephone sprang fully formed from a payphone a few years ago, seconds before her brother Sebastian Telephone. Jessica's emergence from the payphone is no accident. She exists as synchronous quantum waveform in the 80s decade of every century of human history - and possibly beyond. Each at-bat for Jessica Telephone, she emerges from her phone booth as a particular century's incarnation of the Eternal Jessica. This time it may be the classic 1980s Jessica, carefully teased and feathered hair tucked under her helmet. In another inning, the plate is graced with 980s Jessica, fresh from the viking raids on the hapless Anglo-Saxons. Her next appearance may come in a spray of lasers and 4-D holograms as 2380s Jessica takes her turn at bat. Because of her unique relationship to time and space, she fully believes that the Earth is flat, and subscribes particularly to the Ice Wall theory.
Jessica remembers every moment of the countless 80s decades that she's lived through. Her past is constantly in flux, however. While primary aspects of her identity remain constant, everything she lived through is subject to change as she grows as a person. What she remembers shifts — except in the unique pocket of time that blaseball sits, where she often finds herself remembering multiple versions of events. The unique temporal effects of blaseball have resulted in Telephone being rendered unable to see her future, a unique circumstance for her that she reportedly finds liberating.
Visiting fans and flans have asked for her number in the past. None have been successful, but there is still hope. That phantom buzz in your pocket when you don't have your phone on you? That's a missed call from Jessica Telephone and you're lucky you didn't answer.
She is double jointed but is very shy about it. In most cases, this gives her an advantage at-bat. However, her unique technique is vulnerable to certain pitches — notably including the two pitches Seattle Garages pitcher Mike Townsend is capable of throwing, making him a difficult opponent for her to face.
The concept of gender does not, never has, and never will have much meaning at all to Jessica. However, she identifies as a transgender woman. Jessica can be found on Twitter @jesstelephone where she regularly tweets about her game performance as well as her personal life as a time traveler.
Career as a Tiger
Telephone's arrival to Hades began with a communication error, when general manager Fearful Symmetry demanded a phone for her office, and pitching coach Kick Rocks instead called upon an ancient pact to summon Jessica Telephone. According to legend, at that moment a blood-drenched payphone appeared before 480 BCE Spartan Jessica. saying "YOU ARE RECEIVING A COLLECT CALL FROM [a chorus of shrieking souls, thousands of angry teeth gnashing in unison, the cosmic blood of a broken moon.] DO YOU ACCEPT THE CHARGES?" She smiled slyly, revealing a mouth of razor-sharp teeth, before stepping into the phone booth and vanishing with a thunderous crack.
While in Hades, Jessica picked up the nickname "Jessica Persephone". Due to peculiarities of the Hadean local dialect, the nickname is pronounced [ˈpɚsəfoʊn], as an overcorrection for pronouncing her surname as [təˈlɛfəniː]. It's been noticed that the tangible forms of Eternal Jessica seem to be skewing somewhat older in history while she resides in Hades; ancient Greece and Rome have been especially common.
Several fans who were in the audience of game 2 of the Season 3 championship claim that moments after the incineration of Landry Violence, Jessica answered a call on the Dial Tone.[1]
Jessica Phones Home - Return to the Pies
During a Season 4 match against the Tigers, Phillies shortstop Spears Taylor called Jessica to ask if she wanted to carpool to the local BLM rally after the game. The phone call inadvertently triggered Feedback, causing Jessica to emerge from Spears’s cellphone and take over their position on the Pies team.
Both the Tigers and Pies were sad to see their teammates go, but wished them well in their future careers. The Pies for their part held a “Jessica Phones Home” parade in center city; featuring all the Philly players on floats, flaky crust confetti, and the Philadelphia Philling leading the Drexel University marching band in a jazz rendition of Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe.” Jessica called the city’s response to her return “very sweet” and “honestly a little much.”
Overnight, Philadelphia’s population grew 1.8% due to all of Jessica’s wives, girlfriends, and fans moving into the city.
Rumored Relationships
While it is known that Telephone has a number of long term relationships with women and several marriages, she maintains a degree of privacy about her romantic life and the identity of these women is currently unknown. There are a number of individuals rumored to be past, present, or future paramours of Jessica Telephone, including:
- Eleanor of Aquitaine
- Julie d'Aubigny
- Alexandria Rosales
- Sappho of Lesbos
- The Cyborg Working the Counter at Winkman's
- Aphra Behn
- Yazmin Mason
- The Moon
- Mooney Doctor
- The State of Delaware
- Elizabeth I
- Betsy Trombone
- Hypatia of Alexandria
- Tachibana Ginchiyo
- That Cute Girl With The Undercut Who Works At Best Buy
- That Bubbly Lowe's Employee With Killer Eyeliner
- That Goth Girl Who Works At The Independent Bookstore
- Voltairine de Cleyre
- Manya of Dardanus
- Kichiro Guerra
- Princess Andromeda
- Alaynabella Hollywood
- Emrakul
Gallery
Telephone's legendary bat, The Dial Tone
by @sn0wglass
by @telekeys
Season 3 JT by @Sphr_AM
Season 3 JT by @HORSEIZONTAL
by @fLgayda
- beep* "Make 'em feel the violence one last time." by @luins_
by @robonorm
by @fairchart
Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky
"Jessica Telephone is Flickering!" by @bellart03
Music
Jessica Telephone Walk Up Music (Season 2)
| Players | Batters | |
|---|---|---|
| Pitchers | ||
| Shadows | ||
| Buried | Miguel Peterson | |
| Former |
|
|
| Stats | Season | 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 |
| Ballpark | Tastycake Stadium | |
| Community Lore | ||
| Staff | Sam Hinkie · The City of Philadelphia · The Philadelphia Philling | |
| Places | Jessica Telephone Memorial Skatepark | |
| History | Philly Pies' History · Philladeltrix: The Marquis of Pain · My Roomie Ruslan · Philly Pie· Philly Cakes | |
| Fan Culture 📣 · Fan Works 💌 · Tlopps Cards 🃏 | ||
| Pie or Die. | ||
