Jessica Telephone/Rumor Registry
Jessica Telephone has 4 Rumors written about so far.
The following accounts can be traced to a single leather-bound journal originally found in a locked wooden chest alongside a sextant-like device of indeterminate origin and a shell that matches no known species of mollusc. The chest was located in a storage room in the Legscraper’s lower levels that was described as “smelling faintly of the sea”. Subsequent attempts to locate and navigate to said room have been unsuccessful thus far. The journal details the exploits of the crew of a large sailing vessel, The Tokyo Adrift, descriptions of which are largely consistent with mid-17th century galleons.
With The Tokyo Adrift
Jess was a temporary hire for the crew of the Tokyo Adrift. A deft hand with the rigging and sails of large vessels such as the Adrift, she worked in exchange for safe passage aboard the ship. Despite attempts from the journal’s writer to pry into her history, she was notoriously tight-lipped about her employment prior to joining the crew. She vehemently denied claims of her passing resemblance to a famous corsair from the Golden Era of piracy on the Immateria Seas.Jess was also able to assist the Adrift in long distance communication through a flock of messenger pigeons, each of which was trained to return to a different port on the Immateria Sea. She was also well versed in semaphore signalling, allowing the Adrift to communicate with other ships from a distance. This often necessitated sharing the crow’s nest with Grollis Zephyr to allow the flag signals to be seen from a greater distance. Jess’ pigeons appear to have had an on and off rivalry with first mate Lance Serotonin’s parrots, however she did take over the responsibility of caring for the parrots when Lance [REDACTED] under deep scrutiny and was unable to care for them any longer. Similarly, the pigeons enjoyed roosting in Lotus Mango’s palm fronds and would compete for the space with the parrots.
Pie High Jessica Telephone
Rumors abound about a particular instance of Jessica Telephone, a young woman frequently seen while part of the Pies and allegedly the version of Telephone that was shelled twice. Because of these rumors, she is often referred to as “Dirtbag JT” by fans. The most infamous rumor about this Telephone is her signature drink “SKATE JUICE.” Made by mixing 2 No-Doz, a can of Jolt, and grape Kool-Aid, Dirtbag JT allegedly insisted that the name must be yelled in order to properly be SKATE JUICE. An attempt to categorize the other rumors about Dirtbag JT is presented below.
Telephone is reportedly a skilled skater, according to herself. She claimed to be able to do a 900 (where a person spins 900° while in the air on a skateboard), and supposedly had made plans to build a quarterpipe in her backyard before they were shut down by her mother, a woman who was never observed. Some fans reported that Telephone had a skateboard signed by the famous television stars Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O, while others professed her love of the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video game.
This instance of Telephone was notable for her disregard for the law. Her arrest record included keying the car of Philly legend Bam Margera, allegedly upon his refusal to teach her to do a kickflip. A pastor also contacted law enforcement after Telephone swapped the pre-recorded church music for a Jerky Boys tape. Outside of her official record, a local Blockbuster clerk claimed that he saw Telephone stealing a copy of the movie Mallrats “deliberately,” though she was never charged. On another occasion, a former friend of Telephone reported that Telephone stole her hoverboard and replaced it with a sticky note that said, “sry--feel suuuuper bad but hey, hoverboard!!!”
Drugs & Alcohol
Media & Media-Adjacent
Dirtbag JT spent much of her time playing video games and engaging with, as she termed it, “gamer culture,” though this amounted entirely to thumbing through EGM in the grocery store. She frequently bragged about her favorite “gamer moments,” which included allegedly crashing the economy on the Gaia Online forums, getting banned from Neopets for trying to convince the Neopets to unionize, and “[her] uncle at Nintendo [telling her] that Naruto is going to be in Smash.” Teammates noted that every time Jessica Telephone went up to bat, she would whisper "believe it" to herself.
Telephone’s interests also extended to television. She personally went to Cartoon Network's offices and asked them to bring Toonami back, and, according to close friends, knew more about Bionicle lore than any other person in history. When asked about her Bionicle knowledge in interviews, Telephone replied, "I like the blue one." She claimed to have been in an episode of Jackass, “but they cut [her] part before it aired.” Numerous sources say she claimed to have a tape of it and offered to let them see it if they performed various tasks for her, but the tape was never seen.
Despite her seemingly large consumption of media, friends said she remains surprisingly reticent when it comes to discussing them, either out of ignorance or a sense of humor. For example, she regularly referred to Joaquin Phoenix as “Joker Phoenix.” Similarly, teammates claimed that she loved to argue about who would win in a fight, Goku or Superman, but consistently said the answer is Hatsune Miku.
In addition to consuming media, Telephone also produced her own videos. She made at least 23 films with characters named "Johnny Red" and "Johnny Dirt," all of which at some point featured "ska dances." She has publicly complained about how she hates TikTok, but her friends reported receiving links to her personal webspace, where she had uploaded videos of herself doing “dumb stuff” with a camera.
Telephone claimed to be an early inspiration for the “ringtone rap” era of hip-hop music, based on her allegedly messaging Soulja Boy regularly on a Sidekick phone. She also claimed to have convinced Linkin Park to spell their name as they spelled it, and frequently told a tale (widely believed to be apocryphal) of meeting Eminem once. Her music collection included Limp Bizkit CDs from her uncle, Jimmy Eat World songs, an unidentified Marshall Mathers LP, and multiple mislabeled Eminem MP3s on a first-generation iPod Classic. Notably absent from her collection was music by the Misfits, as she repeatedly wore their merchandise and expressed negative opinions about the band after the departure of Glenn Danzig. In an interview, Telephone once said (unprompted) that she “thinks it’s cool [that] Dido sampled [the Eminem song] Stan and made a whole new song and it’s pretty good.” Some fans also claimed to have heard Telephone sing No Doubt’s “Just A Girl” while in the dugout, an experience described as “hauntingly beautiful.”
Fans often reported on Telephone’s popularity at parties. Though technically a certified clown, the only skill she regularly made use of was juggling. She later expanded her skillset to include contact juggling, but as there is no authority to certify contact jugglers, she allegedly designed and printed a certificate for herself. Witnesses of the certificate did not attest to her graphic design skills. On a smaller scale, fans reported that she was capable of folding a dollar bill to make the face of George Washington look like a dog, regularly performed backflips, and performed a variety of tricks using a BIC lighter. Some fans also reported that she practiced an unidentified “knife-between-the-fingers thing,” but was unskilled and frequently yelled for quiet in an attempt to focus.
Dirtbag JT’s food tastes were as eclectic as the rest of her personality. Her friends reported they had seen a case of pre-revival Jolt that she had stashed away. When asked about it in interviews, she responded, "it's probably worth a lot of money now but I'm not gonna sell it." Telephone frequently boasted that she is “both the reason they discontinued Crystal Pepsi, and the reason they brought it back,” and numerous acquaintances confirmed that she would end many conversations by walking off while saying, “Oh my God, I could really go for some Outback right now. I would kill a Bloomin' Onion.”
Despite an unconfirmed employment record and no seeming need for additional income, Telephone claimed to have worked for Banana Republic for a summer. She frequently mentioned this to excuse rolling her eyes, sighing heavily, and moaning, "I don’t want to talk about it." She also claimed to previously work the closing shift at a Denny's, where she would play Weezer's "Pink Triangle" on the kitchen speakers at least once a night.Telephone more recently discovered YouTube, where her channel has become widely known for her weekly creation challenges (called “The JT Challenge,” despite there being multiple). Multiple of her friends advised against the channel’s creation, and insisted that this fact be included in interviews. Telephone’s hallmark sign-off for the channel was to stare directly into the camera and declare with a neutral expression, “I’m not afraid to die.” This phrase became popular within her channel’s fandom.
J’essica Telemetry, Bug Wrangler
J’essica Telemetry is a grizzled and scarred instance of Jessica Telephone hailing from the year 3280, having travelled to our current time to hunt what she repeatedly refers to as “The Supersentient Insect, York Silk”.
Her demeanor has been described as often surly, and frequently gruff, and she is noted for carrying at least four weapons at all times (bladed, plasma, or otherwise). Extensive cybernetics are integrated with her body, and she is commonly seen scanning, entering and collecting data related to her target in a way previously described as “suspicious and concerning”. Despite this, J’essica has participated in the splort of Blaseball at least once, though her reasons for doing so are unclear.
The Supersentient Insect, York SilkDespite her unfriendly nature, J’essica is seemingly very open about her target in our world, “The Supersentient Insect, York Silk”. Described as a “just absolutely massive bug”, Silk is described as having a “hypermalevolant criminal record” and a “fully subspaced intellect, I’m talking like whole galaxies here”. Despite such noteworthy characteristics, Silk is purportedly incredibly hard to track down; J’essica suggested Silk may be “doing some body double stuff, I dunno, just absolutely wicked tricky stuff” and that she would “have to get sneaky" herself to find them. J’essica’s history with the Supersentient Insect, York Silk, appears to be somewhat of a sore subject for her: when asked about it she simply pulled out a cigar, took a bite from it, and said “Damn, sure is” whilst looking into the distance.
Iescha Telephonium (Gr. Ιεσχά Τηλεφώνιον), active from 89-80 BCE, was a Roman poet from the island of Lesbos. Because she wrote poetry both in Greek and Latin, her native language is unclear, but she is considered one of the first neoteric poets to write in Latin. Her poetry was heavily inspired by native Lesbian Sappho as well as the innovative epigrammatist Callimachus.
Her poetry can be largely be divided into two categories: epigrams, which are typically love poems, and epic, which often draw from mythological topics. Unlike later poets like Catullus and Horace, who tend to address their love poems to a limited number of subjects, Telephonium's poetry is addressed to countless women. Given the specificity of their characteristics, it is believed that, like Catullus, she has based these personages on historical figures with whom she may have had actual relationships.
Telephonium's epic poetry is atypical in its focus on women in mythology. In many cases, her poems about women in mythology are the only surviving accounts from those characters' perspective, such as Eurydice and Thisbe.
Telephonium is said to have written a hymn to Cybele, though such a work is not extant.
Telephonium was highly influential to the Roman poet Catullus. The nickname he uses for his girlfriend, Lesbia, is thought to be a reference both to Sappho and to Telephonium, both Lesbian poets who inspired his work. Catullus also seems to have been driven to trans activism through his reverence for Telephonium, working closely with the Gallae, trans priestesses of Cybele, to compose the sympathetic poem 63 about Attis, and issuing a warning to his friend Caecilius in poem 35 that he should not publish a poem with transphobic elements about the Lady of Dindyma (another name for Cybele), instead directing him to revise his poem after also consulting with the Gallae.
Telephonium's influence appears to have waned by the time of Ovid, whose misogynistic narratives draw little from Telephonium's verses.
Blaseball PlayDespite his being one of the few fluent Latin speakers around, Telephonium has had little interest in holding conversation with Nicholas Mora. They appear to have spoken briefly upon her first appearance from the phone booth, but now she seems to intentionally avoid him. Even though she has spent much less time around English speakers, she has picked up considerably more of the language than Mora, who has lived among them full time for almost a decade.
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