Mike Townsend

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Art by Ele and Averybee

Mike Townsend was a lineup player for the Seattle Garages, and was with the team from Season β1 until being [REDACTED] on Season β24, Day 21.

Official League Records

Townsend joined the ILB as a pitcher for the Seattle Garages with the Return of Blaseball.

During the Season β6 elections Townsend "RETREAT[ED] TO SHADOWS" in exchange for Jaylen Hotdogfingers via the Lottery Pick blessing. Townsend had not been incinerated, and is the first player to exit active play without being incinerated.

During the Season β9 elections Townsend rejoined the Garages' active roster in exchange for Ortiz Morse as a result of the Out of Sight blessing.

During the Season β10 elections, Townsend retreated to the Garages' Shadows, this time in exchange for Goodwin Morin as a result of the Dark Star blessing.

During the Season β16 elections, Townsend rejoined the Garages' active roster in exchange for Alaynabella Hollywood as a result of the Garages' Foreshadow will.

On Season β18, Day 37, Townsend retreated to the Garages' Shadows in exchange for Terrell Bradley via The Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility's Fax Machine.

On Season β22, Day 79, Townsend joined the Garages' lineup in exchange for Kathy Mathews at The Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility via the Ratified Voicemail.

On Season β24, Day 19, Niq Nyong'o of the Philly Pies hit Townsend with a pitch, causing Townsend to be Observed. Later, after play ended on Day 21, Townsend disappeared from the Garages' lineup, and they were Redacted.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.


After being blessed with pseudo-thumbs at the end of Season β2, Townsend earned his first win of the season in a 13-7 decision over the Hellmouth Sunbeams. He won his next two starts before losing his fourth, earning the nickname "Three and Oh Townsend". He is best known for being the nominal ace of the Garages pitching staff despite consistently being rated, at one star, among the worst pitchers in Internet League Blaseball.

Early in his career, Townsend had a two-pitch arsenal, consisting of two eephus pitches he insisted are different. After being blessed with pseudo-thumbs, he has developed what blaseball scouts think is a knuckleball.

Despite his subpar numbers and poor reputation, Townsend has performed well historically against slugger Jessica Telephone. The reason for this unlikely success is debated by fans.

In a Garages fan poll conducted sometime between Seasons 2 and 3, Townsend was named "the worst pitcher in the League, professionally and morally" despite there being several pitchers who are statistically worse than him. This has led some to believe that Townsend is among the most hated players in the history of Blaseball.

After Season 3, fan opinion on Mike Townsend started experiencing a sea change. "Mike Townsend Is a Credit To the Team" became a common response chant to the cries of Mike Townsend being a disappointment. When eventually asked about this change in opinion, Captain Theodore Duende responded:

Look, it's not that we didn't have bad blood with Mike. We did, but... when you look at what happened to us during Season 3. With Bennett, Derrick, Shaq, and Tiana especially all having been incinerated, we kind of looked at each other and went, "Does Mike really deserve this? Do we really want our last thoughts of him before he's incinerated to be about how we can't stand him?" I think we really came together as a more cohesive team in that moment, and even if sometimes we still have to get at Mike sometimes, it's more in good fun these days, than anything.


Townsend is a former member of the Garages' band, Mike Townsend and the Seattle Garages[citation needed]. He was kicked out of the team band for "poor performance." Currently, he is the front man and sole member of The Who's on First (formerly known as The Way Cooler Anyway Mike Townsend Solo Project). During Season 2, the project released their first song, "My Name Is Mike".[1]

Townsend is the subject of three separate Garages songs. "Mike Townsend (Is a Disappointment)"[2] depicts Townsend as being a disappointment, a loser, and a total disgrace. This was eventually followed up by "Mike Townsend Is a Credit To the Team",[3] a response song commenting about Townsend's turnaround, remarking that "your redemption arc is coming up". The third song, Mike Townsend (Knows What He's Gotta Do),[4] is a tribute to Mike's trip to the shadows in exchange for Jaylen's return.

As of Season 4, Townsend has once again been reinstated as a member of the band, with the Garages' album "Redemption Arc" featuring both "Mike Townsend Is a Credit To the Team" and Mike's own solo release "My Name Is Mike".

Personal Life

Townsend was born in and currently lives in Bellevue, Washington. Some suspect that this is partially the reason for his limited Blaseball success and soured reputation.

Townsend once suggested the Garages change their name to the Seattle Bread, due to his love of whole wheat with extra seeds. This only increased the friction between Townsend and the rest of the Garages.

Townsend is a professional fighting game player, and has even been to EVO. Townsend also manages a YouTube channel, where he recreates early 2000's recipes from his home kitchen.

The Return of Jaylen Hotdogfingers

Mike Townsend was purportedly instrumental in the ritual to help bring back Seattle Mayor and star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers. When approached for comment about the upcoming ritual following the Garages' loss to the Baltimore Crabs in the Season 6 Internet League Blaseball Finals, Townsend's comment was:

Well, rarely these things sort of go the way you want them to. If there's a price that's got to be paid, I'd rather I be the one who paid it, you know? I like to think I've come a long way, but Jaylen, you know, she was - is - something special.

Upon the Seattle Garages returning from the Void in the wake of the ritual conducted to bring back Hotdogfingers, Townsend was seen emerging from the tour bus with a massive egg, from which Hotdogfingers emerged shorly afterwards. He was then seen leaving shortly after celebrations started in the wake of Hotdogfingers' return. Documentation on what happened to Townsend in the wake of Hotdogfingers' revival is scarce. When asked, many members made sure to reiterate that Townsend was still on the team and still around, though many of them, when asked, could not directly remember the last time they had talked to him in the wake of the event. Oliver Mueller commented:

We're all just letting Mike kind of have his space, you know? The dude's been through a lot. He's one of the original members of the team, and it was kind of only just recently he had gotten some kind of respect, and gotten to be a part of the band again. I think he's got a lot of complicated emotions to work out.

Townsend was, expectantly, unavailable for comment.

Time in the Shadows

The beginnings of Townsend's time in the shadows were difficult. Townsend's uncertain role in returning Jaylen Hotdogfingers caused a part of himself to remain behind in the void, rendering him unable to play Blaseball according to league regulations. He was reported to have haunted the Big Garage during Season 7, slowly gaining more of his form, guiding team mates when he could. In Season 8, Townsend had enough of his form back to resume baking, and team members of the Garages could occasionally even perceive him. Quack Enjoyable was the first to report Townsend's presence after finding him baking bread in the abandoned Planera Bread behind first base one day. Enjoyable claimed they weren't aware there was anything off about Townsend, though this is possibly due to their magical nature. Other notable faces seen entering and exiting the Planera Bread include Allison Abbott, Betsy Trombone, and allegedly Arturo Huerta.

During Season 9, Townsend was approached by the newly shadowed Terrell Bradley about starting a restaurant together, Dad's Grill. Townsend would bake the buns, Bradley would cook the meats, and everyone would be happy. Townsend agreed and the two went on to create one of the cornerstones of the Big Garage, the Seattle Shadows Co-op.

Halfway through Season 9, star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers flickered to the Canada Moist Talkers, sending Ortiz Morse to the team in her stead. Morse took to hanging around Dad's Grill, finding comfort in the homely atmosphere and the company Townsend and Bradley provided. Shortly after the loss of the post season playoffs, Morse confided in them that he wanted to pursue other things, put more time into his Smash Mouth cover band, Moist Mouth, but he wasn't sure how to go about it. Townsend commiserated and offered to take his spot on the roster. The two made the deal official, though it's unclear how, and Townsend was added to the Season 10 roster. Additionally the newest pitcher brought forth from the shadows, Lenny Marijuana, also attributes his return to blaseball to Townsend, though the connection remains unclear. There was an outpouring of support from fans and blaseball players alike, happy to see Townsend's return to the team.

During his time in the Seattle Shadows Co-op, Townsend encountered an unusual phenomenon where people would refuse to recognize him as Mike Townsend, instead marveling at how similar he looks to the famous Seattle Garages player, Mike Townsend. This has since carried over into his post shadows life. It has been speculated that this has caused some existential confusion, but when asked, Townsend has stated he finds the whole thing amusing.

Mike Townsend Reports

Like any other star player, Townsend has been the recipient of numerous tabloid reports. Archivist Magi Ruiz has taken to digitizing and compiling the particularly memorable of them here. This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Rumor from IF-87.729 out of its Rumor Registry...

"Does Mike dating Tillman?"

Whether you love him or hate him, Seattle Garage’s pitcher Mike Townsend certainly keeps fans talking. However the subject of the recent controversy surrounding him hasn’t been his poor pitching or conflicts with his teammates but the fact that he has been spotted around town with Baltimore Crabs player Tillman Henderson. The pair have been spotted at Gasworks Park having a picnic that seemed to feature some of Townsend’s famous baked goods, at the Leglo store in Bellevue where Henderson was spotted using $50 bills of dubious origins to buy Townsend Leglos and have been seen making out in the parking lot of the Big Garage. These sightings have sparked much debate among fans about whether the two are dating or not.

One of our reporters was able to catch up to the two of them in a local co-op grocery store and when confronted about if he was dating Tillman, Mike Townsend had this to say:

Yes, I am. Uh, can you move now, you're blocking the greek yogurt.

When the reporter tried to question him further they were violently threatened by Tillman wielding an orange juice carton and were forced to retreat without being able to get any clarification on the nature of the two's relationship. Our on the scene reporter at the Big Garage was also able to get fans' thoughts on the matter before the Garage’s game last Saturday. Here’s what the fans had to say:

“As long as he improves his pitching, I don’t care what he does. We gave him those extra thumbs last season and he’s barely pitching any better!”

“They should have never written that song about him being a credit to the team if he’s going to act like this now.”

“I don’t know who either of those people are but good for them, I guess.”

“I mean, he definitely seems like a sad desperate guy but can't he do better than Henderson? Did you know that guy conned me out of $50? He’s probably just dating Townsend for his record money.”

What do you think, readers? Are the two together? Is this just a publicity stunt? How does this affect you personally? Sound off in the comments below!

Fan Works