Kathy Mathews

From Blaseball Wiki

Kathy Mathews is a player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and has been with the team since Fall Ball. Mathews has previously played for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands, Boston Flowers and Seattle Garages.

Official League Records

Mathews joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands with the Return of Blaseball.

During the end of Season 4, Mathews was affected by the Alternate Reality decree, resulting in stat changes including a batting stat.

During the Coffee Cup, Mathews played for Heavy FC as a lineup player.

On Season β13, Day 64, Mathews became a pitcher due to Reverb.

During the Season β15 elections, Mathews became a lineup player via the Jazz Hands' Move will.

On Season β22, Day 53, Mathews picked up The Fifth Base from the Tokyo Fitness Center. Mathews then super roamed to the Boston Flowers and the Seattle Garages before placing The Fifth Base in George Fourman Stadium on Season 22, Day 64.

One Season β22, Day 79, Mathews retreated to the Garages' Shadows in exchange for Mike Townsend at The Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility via the Ratified Voicemail.

During the November 25, 2022 Fall Ball, Mathews fell to the Charleston Shoe Thieves.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Personal Life

Mathews began life as a Silver Transparent TI-83 Plus Graphing Calculator, with a fortuitous coding error that determined "BLASEBALL" to be the result of any and all mathematical calculations. Sensing their overwhelming love of the game and will to win, the Jazz Hands fashioned a set of arms and legs out of spare trombones, and put them on the field. Mathews has remained an integral part of the Jazz Hands' roster ever since.

Often chants of "KATH MATH" are heard when they are up to bat, but no one can determine the source.

Mathews' favorite Jazz album is Kind of Bloop: An 8-Bit Tribute to Miles Davis' "Kind of Blue".

Alternate Reality

After the Alternate Reality Decree, Mathews was replaced with the Mathews from a reality where they are a Casio FX-9750GII-SC Graphing Calculator. Because of this, they developed the ability to communicate beyond outputting "BLASEBALL" through a series of complex formulae. This is generally considered by fans to be an improvement over their Prime Reality version, though most still have trouble communicating clearly with Mathews.

In their home reality, Mathews founded the Society for Ethereal Blaseball Research, and eventually began playing Blaseball, in an attempt to learn more about the splort. According to Mathews, SEBR bears a shocking resemblance to the Society for Internet Blaseball Research, leading Mathews to become an avid follower of SIBR in this reality. Mathews' ultimate goal in studying Blaseball is to develop a set of equations that accurately model the splort in its entirety.

Mathews calculates projections of ball trajectories whenever they bat or field to assist their play. Unfortunately, though they have extremely accurate equations available, they must manually enter all relevant variables. More precisely, whenever they aren't actively batting or fielding, they are usually seen furiously pressing their own buttons with their trombone limbs, in a process which has been described as "clumsy," "frenetic," and "intense" by various news outlets. This results in high amounts of imprecision in their results, taking them from a potentially very powerful player to one that is simply mediocre.

Relationship with Campos Arias

According to interviews, Mathews and the alternate reality version of Campos Arias originated from the same reality. Starting in Season β5, fans of both players noticed that they were spending increasing amounts of time together. In particular, Mathews was seen rapidly and precisely communicating with Arias, a feat which no other fan or player had achieved. At last, during the Jazz Hands' Season β9 Party Time, Mathews was seen receiving one of Arias' eleven hearts into their care. The two publicly confirmed their relationship shortly thereafter.

Time with the Garages

After a week in Boston, Mathews moved across the country to Seattle at the recommendation of Jaylen Hotdogfingers. Something about the place struck a chord with them the moment they arrived. The frequent jam sessions and the chaotic lack of distinct positions when fielding reminded them of home, and after doing the math, they determined this would be the team that would carry the most familiarity while still being new and exciting. Mathews did not need long to make these calculations, placing the Fifth Base in the Steakhouse only 5 innings into their first game with the team.

When the Voicemail sent Mathews to the Shadows in Mike Townsend’s place, they also discovered the Seattle Shadows Co-op, an organization similar to the Jazz Hands’ Pit. In the Co-op, Mathews quickly took charge of the group’s financial ledgers, cleaning and organizing 22 seasons’ worth of books in a matter of days. They dutifully report the Garages’ collective taxes owed. Whether said taxes get paid is someone else’s problem, however — the mathematical aspect is the only part of the process to which Mathews pays any mind. Mathews has also made an effort to supplement the education of the Seattle Garages Lil’ Roadies, a group of young children living in the Big Garage. Their curriculum of graduate-level mathematics has been wildly successful and instructive, flummoxing the children’s parents and experts in youth education alike.

Mathews and several of their top students have made a long-term project of maintaining and experimenting on the Salmon Spire. Under the careful eye of overseers Lenjamin Zhuge and Fairwood Patchwork, the group develops predictive algorithms to determine the Spire’s future growth. They have also made forays into applied time travel, harnessing the salmon’s temporal powers to send objects back in time. In the expert words of Assistant Head Mathematician Makayla Lee, age 6, “we put a shoe into the fishies and then the fishies swimmed really fast and then the shoe was gone so I think the fishies made the shoe go away.”

In their free time, Mathews gets along well with Oliver Notarobot, a fellow mechanical lifeform; he remains grateful to them for introducing him to the “math rock” genre. They also enjoy visiting other parts of the Co-op during their biweekly financial check-ins. Among these are Fitzgerald Wanderlust’s apothecary, where they help measure the precise quantities of alchemical reagents Wanderlust uses. After learning that Mike Townsend is quite knowledgeable in high-level mathematics and robotics, they occasionally stop by to discuss Zen and the art of eight-legged mech repair.

After some cajoling from Oliver Loofah, Mathews joined Loofah’s roller derby team. Skating under the derby name “Casio Royale,” Mathews has leveraged their trombone limbs to great effect in performing “whip” moves. After winning a match against the Dallas Bad Butchers, the Dallas captain was quoted in a local newspaper: “So I think we’re winning by a mile, and then I hear this horn playing a really long glissando and I get marching band flashbacks — and then a horse zooms past on four skates and whinnies at me. And we lose! Anyway, I got Loofah’s number so I’m not mad anymore.”

Interdimensional Rumor Mill

No other versions of Kathy Mathews have been observed. If you have information regarding a different version of Kathy Mathews, please add it here.

Fan Works