Mike Townsend/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Mike Townsend has 5 Rumors written about so far.
Mike Townsend/IF-21.615
INCIDENT REPORT
Reported By: █████████
Incident Date: STARDATE 0114-2███-██
Incident Type: CHEATING
Incident No. 567-C-312
Location: SPACE VEGAS™ CASINO FRANCHISE 42, Sagittarius Dwarf Spheroidal Galaxy
Specific Location: DIGI-POKER TABLE ROOM 03
Incident Description:
Parties 1 and 2 are described by witnesses as two human men in red and blue Blaseball uniforms, one of whom had “multiple more thumbs than is expected for a human” and the other of whom was “carrying around some sort of board with wheels on the bottom” and wearing glasses.
Parties 1 and 2 entered DIGI-POKER TABLE ROOM 03 and sat down at a table. Casino personnel became increasingly suspicious of Party 1 as he continued to win multiple rounds of poker despite having poor position at the table and, according to winners, “not looking like the type of entity who would be good at poker.” Casino personnel confronted Party 1 only to discover that a number of the cards in his hand were false and constructed from some sort of tangible shadow material.
Party 1 and Party 2 fled DIGI-POKER TABLE ROOM 03 immediately after Party 2 was approached by a bouncer to be scanned for psychic signatures. Party 2 broke an internal sliding glass door open with the aforementioned “board with wheels on it” and was seen using it to move at a heightened pace down a hallway. The two parties in question were later witnessed exiting the complex’s ship parking sector in some sort of custom-built mecha-vehicle with eight robotic legs.
The psychic signatures picked up from Party 2 were later analyzed and it was confirmed that Party 2 was also cheating using some sort of latent precognitive ability, which is explicitly against Rule 912 in the SPACE VEGAS™ CASINO Primer of Rules and Regulations.
Follow-Up Action: Signs with the visual appearance and energy signatures of Party 1 and Party 2 have been posted at all entrances to the FRANCHISE 42 complex indicating that they are not to be allowed onto the premises for any reason. Casino personnel agent 2D- ██████ has been dispatched to uncover further information about the incident.Mike Townsend/IF-24.104
Our Favorite 23 Times Mike Townsend Wore His Own Merch 😍
Like you wouldn't if you were famous
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What do you wear when you risk your life to resurrect your friend, become one of the first ILB players to explore the shadows, and hit a grand slam? Apparently, your own merch! Who knew! Keep scrolling for our top 23 moments of Mike wearing Mike!
23. Mike wearing a Skarages Hat to Olive's Garden
Did you or a loved one get attacked by a consumer? Join the class action lawsuit now.
Contact the Mexico City Wild Wings fast, before the settlement dies with the entire concept of money.
It seems Mike didn't manage to get directions to a real Italian restaurant when he decided to go to...
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22. Mike wearing a signed flannel on his flight to Baltimore
Did Mike sign a flannel and then put it on, or did he happen to have a spare signed flannel around? Either way, this look...
HOTDOGFINGERS FOR MAYOR
We don't know if she's planning on running but we liked her!
21. Mike wearing a pair of Mike Townsend and the Seattle Garages fingerless gloves while scrolling through Ebay
This picture, as seen on Magi Ruiz's Instlagram story, is proof that Mike even wears his own merch at home! What an absolute...
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Mike Townsend/IF-25.559
"Tonwsend and Trombone in a Tiff?"
Mike Townsend was spotted buying bread from Grand Central before today's game, much to the shock and awe of onlookers. "He usually bakes bread with Betsy before games, did they get into a fight?" one nosy tourist remarked.
Attempts to speak with Townsend on the matter was met with stammering before beating a hasty retreat into the shadows.
When asked for comment, Trombone was quoted saying "The fuck is it to you? I was busy, get off my back" before siccing their crows on the reporter.Mike Townsend/IF-37.403
LIL ROADIES LIL MAGAZINE EXCLUSIVE INVESTIGATION: What Secrets Lie Underneath Mike Townsend's Hat?
Dear Lil’ Roadies Lil’ Magazine,
Mike Townsend is my favorite pitcher tied with all the other Garages pitchers! But today I realized that I have never seen him not wearing a hat. What’s underneath Mike Townsend’s hat?
Your friend,
Tim U.
Dear Tim,
Thank you for writing in with such an important question! In an exclusive investigation conducted by Lil’ Roadies lead investigative reporter, Kenneth Midcentury (that’s me!), the Lil’ Roadies Lil’ Magazine has finally uncovered the mystery of what’s underneath Mike’s hat! We’ve consulted dozens of Seattle residents, read scholarly articles on the matter, and had our expert team follow Townsend everywhere we could until he politely but firmly asked us to stop. Our lead investigative reporter (that’s me!) even tried to sneak into his room at midnight to discover the truth, but was caught by Oliver Mueller and told to go to bed. No matter the setbacks, our team strove to discover the truth, and through hard work, perseverance, and a crucial interview with Townsend’s teammate Betsy Trombone, we’ve discovered it. Here’s what what went down:
KM: Betsy!
BT: Oh, hey Kenny [e/n: That’s me!]. What’s cookin?
KM: You’d consider yourself a good friend of Mike Townsend, right?
BT: As good a friend as anyone really could be, I suppose.
KM: Which means you’d have seen him without his hat on, right?
BT: I mean, sure!
KM: So then, tell our readers: what’s really under Townsend’s hat?
BT: Under… under his hat?
KM: Yeah. Tell us.
BT: … Well obviously Batatouille lives there.
KM: What?
BT: You really think Mike can function on his own? No way. He’s piloted by a tiny little guy named Batatouille who lives under his hat and pulls his hair to steer him around.
KM: Really?
BT: Yeah just ask him yourself. Anyway I gotta, uh, go to a location now. Bye!
KM: Bye Betsy!
Townsend was unable to comment on the matter, so the Lil' Roadies Lil' Magazine has decided to take Trombone’s words as fact. However, we are still undecided as to whether Batatouille is a rat (like the movie RatatouiIIe), a bat (like Rouge from Sonic), or a bat (like in blaseball). All three of these would explain why Townsend’s batting is much better than his pitching.
Well there you have it Lil' Readers! Another mystery solved.
Until next time,
Kenny Mid (that’s me!)Mike Townsend/IF-87.729
"Does Mike dating Tillman?"
Whether you love him or hate him, Seattle Garage’s pitcher Mike Townsend certainly keeps fans talking. However the subject of the recent controversy surrounding him hasn’t been his poor pitching or conflicts with his teammates but the fact that he has been spotted around town with Baltimore Crabs player Tillman Henderson. The pair have been spotted at Gasworks Park having a picnic that seemed to feature some of Townsend’s famous baked goods, at the Leglo store in Bellevue where Henderson was spotted using $50 bills of dubious origins to buy Townsend Leglos and have been seen making out in the parking lot of the Big Garage. These sightings have sparked much debate among fans about whether the two are dating or not.
One of our reporters was able to catch up to the two of them in a local co-op grocery store and when confronted about if he was dating Tillman, Mike Townsend had this to say:When the reporter tried to question him further they were violently threatened by Tillman wielding an orange juice carton and were forced to retreat without being able to get any clarification on the nature of the two's relationship. Our on the scene reporter at the Big Garage was also able to get fans' thoughts on the matter before the Garage’s game last Saturday. Here’s what the fans had to say:“Yes, I am. Uh, can you move now, you're blocking the greek yogurt.”
“As long as he improves his pitching, I don’t care what he does. We gave him those extra thumbs last season and he’s barely pitching any better!”
“They should have never written that song about him being a credit to the team if he’s going to act like this now.”
“I don’t know who either of those people are but good for them, I guess.”
What do you think, readers? Are the two together? Is this just a publicity stunt? How does this affect you personally? Sound off in the comments below!“I mean, he definitely seems like a sad desperate guy but can't he do better than Henderson? Did you know that guy conned me out of $50? He’s probably just dating Townsend for his record money.”
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