Religions Based on Blaseball

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Throughout the history of the splort, Blaseball has had hundreds, if not thousands of religious belief systems spring up in and around the game. While millennia of sectarian violence has left  only a handful active today, these few remain some of the most influential organizations and disorganizations in the Blaseball world, outside of the Internet League itself.

It should be noted that belief in the Blaseball gods is not considered to be religious in nature, as they have been definitively proven to exist due to the measurable effects demonstrated when throwing oneself upon their mercy or conducting a blood sacrifice. As such, cults dedicated to their service and worship are formally classified as universities, social clubs, and/or quick service restaurants.

The Blaseic Ball Church for Good Old-Fashioned Boys

Claimed by some (particularly their spokespersons) to be the very first Blaseball-based religion, Blaseicism is a religious tradition founded on the principle that the original version of Blaseball was a perfect creation, and thus any alterations to it are heretical. As Blaseball is constantly changing by design, this has led to a state of “perpetual disgruntlement” among adherents. Further complicating matters, the exact contents of the original rule set are considered lost to time. To compensate for this, it is official dogma for all church-sanctioned games to feature extensive and intensive arguments over whatever rules are in use.

It should be noted that, contrary to popular usage, the “Boys” referred to in the church’s full title are not required to be male nor in any way masculine. According to Blaseic officials, the term “Boy” is simply a ceremonial title conferred upon the faithful upon entering a holy site, such as a bingo parlor or a “Clacker Barrel” restaurant. Any similarity to the modern English word is considered to be both purely coincidental and extremely rude on the part of secular linguistics.

The church is named for Tertullian Blase, who the organization venerates as the creator of the splort, but contrary to popular belief he is not considered to be himself divine. Rather, adherents of Blaceicism (or “Blaseics”) hold that the game of Blaseball itself is the supreme deity, and Tertullian a mere messenger or chosen interpreter of its majesty. This has predictably led to a series of bloody conflicts with the Temple of Blaz and other believers in the “Blazibaal Origin”.

The Temple of Blaz

The Temple of Blaz is a loose affiliation of countless small religions, all focused on the worship and/or condemnation of the demon-adjacent entity known as Blazibaal. While dogma varies greatly between sects (and in some cases even between individual adherents) almost all Blazicans uphold two core tenets: the first being that Blazibaal is the sole creator of Blaseball, and the second being that Blaseball's constant evolution as a splort is leading toward an endpoint known as "Ballmageddon". What Ballmageddon occurring would actually mean, however, is hotly debated. Various claims include that it will herald Blazibaal's final victory over his hated enemy the sun, that it will mark the mass ascension of all mortal beings to a higher plane of existence, and that it will trigger a recurrence of the fabled Ten Cent Beer Fortnight. The only significant point of agreement on this topic is that after Ballmageddon, Blaseball (and existence) as we know it will come to an end, something which is generally agreed to be "extremely metal".

Due to the chaotic nature of The Temple, it is difficult to tell how many chapters remain in operation. The few internal records which do exist are both well out-of-date and contradictory to one another, while outside estimations vary wildly depending on how chill the researchers happen to be. Chapters also tend to meet irregularly and at new locations nearly every time, sometimes hundreds of miles away from their previous meeting place. These difficulties have led to a phenomenon known as "Blaz Bombing", wherein vast numbers of Blazicans will gather unintentionally, causing a spontaneous breakout of religious services wherever they happen to be. While this has caused tension with numerous hospitals, theaters, and interstate highway administrations (all of which have been temporarily shut down due to Blaz Bombings) Temple leadership has implored that the public "get over themselves" and "try to be cool just this one time".

The Ecclesiastic Order of the Invisible Puce Unicorn

Originating as a chivalric order in eastern Europe, the knights of the Invisible Puce Unicorn became the founders of a new Blaseball-based religion sometime in the 1400s. Legend has it that the group's leader at the time was struck squarely in the head with a speeding Blaseball which seemingly appeared from the ether. While he was struck dead instantly, and his name long since lost to time, it is said that the mark left upon his brow contained the complete text of the Puce Pages (the Order's founding document and most holy text). From that day on, the Order was no longer a strictly knightly organization, accepting people from all walks of life into its membership so as to spread their sacred message (though titles such as "Sir" and "Dame" as well as a general knight-themed aesthetic were kept in use due to being widely considered "a lot of fun").

Those who belong to the faith (colloquially known as "Puceys" or the more polite "Orderites") hold the somewhat controversial belief that Blaseball originated from both Blazibaal and Tertullian Blase. More specifically, they believe that both are incarnations of the same eternal Blaseball spirit, with Blazibaal having been the original form who distilled the constituent elements of the game from various heavenly and hellish sources, while Tertullian (the spirit's first mortal life) was responsible for combining those elements into the splort played today. This message has been historically unpopular with all other splorts-based religions, and has led to The Order becoming a part of repeated conflicts with groups who strictly adhere to the Tertullian or Blazibaal creation stories.

Other than Blazibaal and Tertullian, very few incarnations of the eternal spirit are considered definitive, and speculation as to the spirit's current and past forms is a favorite pastime among devoted Orderites.