Sebastian Woodman

From Blaseball Wiki

Sebastian Woodman was a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and was with the team from Season β3, Day 44 until being incinerated on Season β14, Day 22.

Official League Records

Woodman joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Charleston Shoe Thieves after the incineration of Atlas Jonbois on Season β3, Day 44.

During the Season β6 elections, Woodman received a combined 10.1 10.6 stat increase as a result of the Shoe Thieves' Mutually Arising blessing.

On Season 9, Day X, Woodman gained the Flinch modification after the Shoe Thieves lost to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS.

On Season β10, Day 9, Woodman's defensive ability was siphoned by Philly Pies lineup player Yeong-Ho Benitez in a game with Blooddrain weather, decreasing it 3.3 2.7 .

On Season 10, Day 59, Woodman's defensive ability was siphoned by Dallas Steaks lineup player Cory Ross in a game with Blooddrain weather, decreasing it 2.7 1.8 .

On Season 10, Day 75, Woodman's defensive ability was siphoned twice by Hawaii Fridays lineup player Spears Taylor in a game with Blooddrain weather, decreasing it 1.8 0.9 .

In the Season β10 elections, Woodman received Noise-Cancelling Headphones, becoming Soundproof. (The Headphones would later be lost, along with all other Discipline Era items across the league, at the beginning of Season 15.)

During the Coffee Cup, Woodman played for Macchiato City as a lineup player.

On Season β14, Day 22, Woodman was incinerated and replaced by Bennett Bluesky.

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Blaseball Career

Following the incineration of batter Sebastian Townsend in Season β3, the Shoe Thieves carved a cyprus tree into an effigy honoring their former teammate. Unable to effectively carve the face, they instead printed out a medium quality .jpg of Townsend and affixed it to the effigy. Manager Cornelius Games commented, "That takes care of that." The team was at the time unaware that the tree in question already housed a nameless living entity, which caused the effigy to become animate and join the team as a lineup player following the incineration of Atlas Jonbois several days later.

Having been carved into the shape of Sebastian Townsend, the nameless entity reportedly became convinced that it was Townsend, trapped in a wooden body, and often made statements to that effect, sometimes crying out in pain and begging his teammates to recognize him.

When observed, Woodman moved incredibly slowly, measured at a rate of less than 36 inches per year. However, Woodman seemed to move extremely quickly when unobserved, appearing on base unexpectedly. When a group of researchers from the Society for Internet Blaseball Research attempted to continuously observe Woodman during a game, they described being affected by "an overpowering, nausea-inducing urge to blink or look away". Viewers attempting to watch video recordings of Woodman's games sometimes encounter the similar phenomenon when attempting to isolate frames of Woodman moving between bases.

Personal Life

Following the Season β7 elections and the unveiling of the Hall of Flame, Woodman became intensely distressed to see Sebastian Townsend's name listed as an incinerated player, definitively proving that they were not Sebastian Townsend. Newly acquired Shoe Thieves pitcher Fitzgerald Wanderlust advised Woodman to try writing poetry as a method of coping with their new identity crisis. Woodman's poetry was received to moderate success and later compiled in a collection titled The Postmodern Prometheus. Their works are best known for dealing with themes of abnegation, masculinity, alienation, and for its extensive use of nature imagery. Woodman's best known works include "Untitled", "Facing", "A Man Who Works With Wood Must Have", and "Lying In Your Shape".

During the Season β8/Season β9 offseason, Woodman took a vacation in the redwood forests of North Carolina, where they encountered San Francisco Lovers player Yosh Carpenter. The two formed a close relationship, spending most of the offseason camping in the forest together. During this time, Carpenter helped carve Woodman's body into a new shape of his own design, using Empyreal Heartwood from the Boston Flowers Memorial Bat Garden when necessary to graft new, living wood onto the existing cyprus. Carpenter was able to remove the image of Sebastian Townsend adhered to Woodman's face without damaging it, through the use of carefully selected solvents, and Woodman later had it readhered to a plastic support and varnished to preserve the image.

Despite Woodman and Carpenter being relatively private individuals, Woodman publicly confirmed the existence of a romantic relationship between the two during the Season 9 playoffs. Beginning in Season 9, Woodman returned to Charleston from their vacation with Carpenter and reintroduced themselves to their teammates, who happily welcomed them once more to the Shoe Thieves. While Woodman had stated they struggle to grasp social interaction, especially with multiple people at the same time, comments from their teammates described them as a positive presence on the team, citing their regular participation in (and complete dominance of) the team's ongoing scrabble nights.

Selected Works


Editor's Note: the poem was deliberately titled "Untitled" by the author, rather than being published without a title.

They say "how do you call a thing

If not by its name?"

My friends, I could tell you of the murmurings of life-soaked leaves,

The scurrying things under canopy,

Exchanging rumors of the passing sun.

All the unheard lives of unnamed things,

Filling the earth flush with their private concerns,

And I,

A man,

With a name,



Who cannot hear them anymore.

But oh,

Is it not still a beautiful thing,

To have a name?


They tell me God made a man of clay,

Why clay

I wondered?

It cannot breathe,

Or drink

Or feel the heat that fires it.

But I know now it is easiest to make a thing

That has no life but what you give it

No grain to fight the will you wield

No voice to beg for a shape that fits.

How different might the cities and riverbanks be

If god made man in the image of clay,

Rather than his own?

Fan Works