Nerd Pacheco

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Revision as of 03:04, 22 March 2021 by Lonestarlars (talk | contribs) (→‎Fan Works: added fanart)

Nerd Pacheco is a pitcher for the Philly Pies and has been with the team since the Season 13 elections. Pacheco has previously played for the Hellmouth Sunbeams and the Hades Tigers.

Official League Records

Pacheco joined the ILB as a lineup player for the then-Moab Sunbeams with the Return of Blaseball.

On Season 3, Day 47, Pacheco swallowed a peanut and had a yummy reaction, improving their rating to .

During Season 8, on Day 19, Pacheco siphoned some of San Francisco Lovers batter Kennedy Meh's batting ability in a game with Blooddrain weather, bringing it from  to .

During the Season 9 elections the Sunbeams received the Mutually Arising blessing, which increased Pacheco's baserunning and defense by .

During the Season 10 elections the Sunbeams received the Sharing Signs blessing, which increased Pacheco's batting to .

During the Coffee Cup, Pacheco played for the Cold Brew Crew as a lineup player.

On Season 12, Day 56, Pacheco was  SHELLED in a game with Peanut weather by LA Unlimited Tacos player Peanut Bong. Pacheco was traded to the Hades Tigers in exchange for Aldon Cashmoney during the Season 12 elections via the Sunbeams' Plunder will.

Pacheco was traded to the Philly Pies and became a pitcher in exchange for Nicholas Mora during the Season 13 elections via the Pies' Exchange will.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

History

Nerd Pacheco always received good grades in school. In interviews, Pacheco ascribes this not to their intelligence, but instead because their specific form of anxiety causes them to study very hard for any subject they are being tested on. Pacheco maintains that they are very knowledgeable, but they are not very smart.

Pacheco had a younger sibling, Hurley Pacheco, who was a player for the Boston Flowers. The two were not notably close, though they began to reconnect due to the opening of the Hellmouth. Hurley was incinerated shortly afterwards on Season 2, Day 76.

Pacheco went by their last name for most of their life, but they received the nickname "Nerd" from their Blittle League team. After Pacheco was chosen to move on to the Hellmouth Sunbeams, they legally changed their first name to Nerd in order to remember their time with their team.

Time in Hellmouth

Shortly after moving to the Hellmouth, Pacheco Adapted saguaro cactus-like antlers that allow them to store water for a long lengths of time. Pacheco's antlers were one of the few sources of water in the Hellmouth, prior to the opening of Hahn Fox's backyard pool.

Pacheco has maintained a reputation as a meticulous planner, and is the sole author of the Hellmouth Sunbeams Comprehensive Emergency Manual. It is two feet thick, detailing responses to every conceivable emergency that may occur in the Hellmouth and in the normal course of Blaseball. The only other contributor was Nagomi Nava, who gave it an editing pass based on knowledge conferred to her by her Precognition.[1]

Pacheco's Honorary Degrees

Shortly after moving to the Hellmouth, the Hellmouth Community College awarded Pacheco an honorary degree in philosophy. After this award, Pacheco shut themself in their house for many weeks, emerging only for games of Blaseball. After this period, Pacheco hosted a guest lecture at the college on the nature of metameta-ethics. The Hellmouth Community College was so impressed, they offered Pacheco a part time job as their first professor of philosophy, and de facto head of department.

Pacheco has since been awarded many other honorary degrees by institutions from across the Immaterial Plane, as they are often assumed to have expertise in a discipline they only have tangential knowledge of, and ends up providing a passable explanation so as not to disappoint. To make sure they do not co-opt the title of "expert" and frustrate real experts on the topic, they undergo rigorous study which, in a roundabout way, ends up leaving them an expert worthy of a degree in the matter.

This is a fork of the IRM, and chooses one story of many written by the Blaseball community when the page is loaded. Nerd Pacheco has been conferred a very large number of honorary degrees by academic institutions across the Immaterial Plane. If you would like to see a list of all honorary degrees conferred upon Nerd Pacheco, or add information about a degree Nerd has ben awarded; click Rumor Registry. If you would like to edit this entry, click Hon-M.FA in Creative Internal Narrative Fiction.
This system is based on the Interdimensional Rumor Mill, which can be read about at Interdimensional Rumor Mill.

Master of Fine Arts in Creative Writing (Internal Narratives and Genre Studies, Noir elective)

''Nerd "Guns" Pacheco smirked as they chewed on their cigarette-flavored gum and smoked their gum-flavoured cigarette. They'd done it again. Nobody did it better than Nerd "6'4 and Cool Guns" Pacheco, the greatest detective this side of Detectivetown and also better than anyone on the other side of Detectivetown. What had they done? Don't worry about it.''

"Strike one, looking!"

''Nerd "The Biggest Guns of All" Pacheco hated distractions almost as much as they hated unsolved cases, and they hated unsolved cases almost as much as they hated the third thing they hated. But the customers of varying genders loved Nerd " " Pacheco, and they loved them back but in like a cool way because they were cool and didn't want to come across as being too into it. Nerd kicked their feet back on their desk (made of guns) and reminisced for three hours about the time they solved the case of Alaynabella's missing vape pen, and then they reminisced some more and stared out the window and everything was slow and black and white and their face was reflected on the window.''

"Strike two, looking!"

''Nerd "Other Weapons Are Cool, But It's Just Not The Same" Pacheco thought about how cool and tough they were. This one time a professional blaseball team had even seen them holding a bat in a cool way and asked them to sign with them? Everyone was super into it and Nerd totally signed the contract but in a cool ironic way because they don't do commitment, and obviously they weren't going to show up, where even was Moab anyway? Anyway their veins began to run hot and dry for a while after that, and they could see a bright light when they closed their eyes, and their customers would shake and hide when they spoke words of flame that burned their throat and the transformation began, but they got back to solving the case of the Insurrection Against The Light of Day soon enough, and everyone was like "hell yeah they're so cool."''

"Strike three! Out!"

''Nerd blinked and shook their head, imagining a darker time in which people hit blalls with blats and they toiled day and night for a terrible splorts team at the gates of Hell. Just another example of their dark and twisted imagination, probably. They walked away, coolly, with their guns, and felt the heat of the sun hot on their neck.''

''It was cool.''

Trivia

  • Pacheco's meticulous planning and research skills are a trait appreciated by their friends and acquaintances—one mentioned in passing to them a movie they enjoyed, and received a curated list of further movie recommendations two days later.
  • Pacheco has stated their favorite pastime is "just a good chat, listening and learning from folks about the things they're passionate about. Or philosophy."
  • Many have said that Pacheco is a computer Slolitaire champion, but Pacheco insists that they only play easy mode, really often, which makes their score really high.
  • Some have speculated that all of Pacheco’s bats are made of the same type of wood as the tree of their younger sibling’s memorial tree in the Memorial Bat Forest. This may be connected to the tree itself or may simply be a symbolic gesture.
  • Pacheco is terrified of horses.
  • Following through on an old Sunbeams batters tradition, Pacheco and their teammate, Nagomi Nava, are often seen sitting and throwing glass out the window or off the balcony of wherever they are staying for an away game. They will sometimes include their teammate Iggy Delacruz, but as an alternate Delacruz was initially unfamiliar with this version of the tradition.
  • Pacheco has a credit score of 46, likely due to their mascot JEFF!’s affinity for destroying the team’s credit. For whatever reason Pacheco has been notably targeted by these changes.

Fan Works

References

  1. ↑ Nava later noted that some sections were kept unchanged despite half a dozen casualties, as that was "the best case scenario."


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