Nerd Pacheco/Rumor Registry
Nerd Pacheco has been awarded 8 honorary degrees so far.
Nerd Pacheco currently has in their office an honorary doctorate in Modern Languages, for "services to the field of Loving Your Wife." The honorary degree was actually conferred upon Hahn Fox, regarding remarks made about her wife Priya, and is correctly addressed as such.
The degree, which was awarded by San Francisco's Knight Institute of Suitor's Studies, was mistakenly delivered to Pacheco's Hellmouth Community College office. They just haven't gotten round to delivering it to Hahn Fox yet.
(NB: The following are selected works from Nerd Pacheco's dissertation. To date, this degree remains one of the few Pacheco has earned intentionally.)
[Entry: 1, date 02076]
Hello. My name is Nerd Pacheco. I am a professor at Hellmouth Community College, and a batter for the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Up to this point, I have written down all my findings on the phenomenon now known as “Adaptation,” but today I have decided to... record some thoughts verbally. For now, my only goal is to record my thoughts around the experience.
My first assessment: Adaptation is a physical change, done to us, by the Hellmouth. Not everybody adapts. I have. I am uncertain why.
[Entry: 6, date 03110]
Does Adaptation keep us safe? So far, the only people who I have seen - seen [static] did not experience an obvious Adaptation. Even if they were from the Hellmouth. So, why does the Hellmouth protect us? What is the purpose of my Adaptation in this?
[Entry: 24, date 04097]
At no point in this journal have I recorded my own Adaptation. I adapted cacti [static] full of water. Though it seems the community is already healing, there was a point where I was the only source of safe drinking water for some.
Is the Hellmouth punishing me, or does it think this is a gift? The role it wants me to play? Does it want me to give parts of myself for others? I think of [static]’s Adaptation. Or [static]. Do those changes help them fit into the community? Or do they help them in some other way? What is their role, in a community like the Hellmouth?
[Entry 37, date 06084]
Adaptation does not keep us safe.
Or, maybe it does, but the Hellmouth does not like when we [static]. I am starting to believe Adaptation is more than physical, it is psychosocial. Or- or, maybe, I am working backwards. Maybe we, as a community, have been united by this experience. Was that the goal? Is there a goal?
[Entry 59, date 0611X]
I think about those who seemingly have not Adapted, or claim to have not done so. This includes individuals such as [static] and [static]. What are their roles here? Are there forces more powerful than the Hellmouth? We now have the rule of Lis Dale Pendens. Is it even possible for a single individual to have that level of power? Or does it just target weaker individuals? Am I reading too much into it?
[Entry 168, date 1½XXX]
I am beginning to find these logs useless. More of a diary now, really, than academic record. Every time I work out something about Adaptation it proves me wrong. Maybe… Maybe I should be content, before the Hellmouth punishes me for investigating. Or... maybe, I’ve just hit a dead end, and it wants me to keep going. I don’t know.
[Entry 201, date 1211X]
Due to my [static] I have officially decided to abandon this log. After all this time to think and muse, I... I think this is for the best. I will continue to study the phenomenon, of course, but... this log is a mess. Still, I will argue there must be some value to be found in these notes of mine. Maybe when I work out what it is, I will return to it. For now, I shall find a new method of research.
Pacheco has been invited to several interplanar chless tournaments, and has been conferred the title of "Immaterial Master" thanks to their skill. Since the revival of his blaseball career, Pacheco has not accepted any further invitations, claiming the atmosphere is "stressful".Three-time Immaterial Chless Tourney champion Jasmine Lapelle-Herschel corroborated as follows, with an experience toward the end of Pacheco's chless career: "Nerd Pacheco punched me once by accident over an intense game of chess and I got knocked out for like, a solid 2 hours. When I woke up they made me a cake that said "sorry" on it though so I'm not mad."
This article was originally published in the Halifax Gazette.
By Cauterize Hull and Isabellio Rapini
PHILADELPHIA - A 19th-century painting by French impressionist painter Berthe Morisot was stolen from the Philadelphia Museum of Art on ███day afternoon. The two thieves, captured on security footage, stood before "Hanging the Laundry out to Dry" for approximately fifteen minutes, before exploiting a gap in the guard rotation, removing the painting from the wall, and exiting through an unarmed door into a service corridor. Morisot's work was the only piece stolen.
"In this particular instance, the fact the thieves did not target any additional works in the storage areas they navigated during their escape is quite concerning," commented Dr. Nerd Pacheco, Hellmouth Sunbeams batter and a Correspondent Professor of Criminology at the Charleston University of Legal Doings. (Pacheco declined to participate in a face-to-face interview before print deadline, as they were halfway through a month-long visit of Japan.)
"An art thief looking purely to profit from the sale of lucrative artworks would, typically, have availed themselves of any number of works stored in the non-public areas of the museum. The theft of a single piece suggests it was for personal procurement, which will make tracking its whereabouts all the harder."
It was not the first time this particular painting had been targeted by art thieves, according to the museum. The same painting was also reportedly stolen by a thief working alone from 1929 exhibition in Paris, and took nine years to recover. "Hanging the Laundry out to Dry" was eventually found in an abandoned Naples apartment, along with over two dozen other paintings reported stolen. The identity of the infamous "Naples Haul" was never found, though unsubstantiated rumours point to alleged art thief Val Hitherto.
An investigation is underway , and anyone with information is urged to contact appropriate authorities.
''Nerd "Guns" Pacheco smirked as they chewed on their cigarette-flavored gum and smoked their gum-flavoured cigarette. They'd done it again. Nobody did it better than Nerd "6'4 and Cool Guns" Pacheco, the greatest detective this side of Detectivetown and also better than anyone on the other side of Detectivetown. What had they done? Don't worry about it.''
"Strike one, looking!"
''Nerd "The Biggest Guns of All" Pacheco hated distractions almost as much as they hated unsolved cases, and they hated unsolved cases almost as much as they hated the third thing they hated. But the customers of varying genders loved Nerd " " Pacheco, and they loved them back but in like a cool way because they were cool and didn't want to come across as being too into it. Nerd kicked their feet back on their desk (made of guns) and reminisced for three hours about the time they solved the case of Alaynabella's missing vape pen, and then they reminisced some more and stared out the window and everything was slow and black and white and their face was reflected on the window.''
"Strike two, looking!"
''Nerd "Other Weapons Are Cool, But It's Just Not The Same" Pacheco thought about how cool and tough they were. This one time a professional blaseball team had even seen them holding a bat in a cool way and asked them to sign with them? Everyone was super into it and Nerd totally signed the contract but in a cool ironic way because they don't do commitment, and obviously they weren't going to show up, where even was Moab anyway? Anyway their veins began to run hot and dry for a while after that, and they could see a bright light when they closed their eyes, and their customers would shake and hide when they spoke words of flame that burned their throat and the transformation began, but they got back to solving the case of the Insurrection Against The Light of Day soon enough, and everyone was like "hell yeah they're so cool."''
"Strike three! Out!"
''Nerd blinked and shook their head, imagining a darker time in which people hit blalls with blats and they toiled day and night for a terrible splorts team at the gates of Hell. Just another example of their dark and twisted imagination, probably. They walked away, coolly, with their guns, and felt the heat of the sun hot on their neck.''''It was cool.''
Confer New Degree
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