Jesús Koch

From Blaseball Wiki

Jesús Koch (/xeˈsus/ "heh-SOOS") is a lineup player for the Yellowstone Magic, and has been with the team since Season 20, Day 36. Koch has played for the Canada Moist Talkers, Philly Pies, and San Francisco Lovers.

Official League Records

Koch joined the ILB as a lineup player for the Canada Moist Talkers with the Return of Blaseball.

At the end of Season 4, Koch was affected by the Alternate Reality Decree, resulting in a change in stats.

Scorpler's Jacket

During the Season 7 elections, Koch was given Mclaughlin Scorpler's Memorial Fireproof Jacket via the Scorpler's Jacket blessing. The jacket was previously owned (very briefly) by Mclaughlin Scorpler, who received it and immediately lost it during the Season 5 elections. The Jacket makes Koch Fireproof, and thus, immune to incineration. (The Jacket would later be lost, along with all other Discipline Era items across the league, at the beginning of Season 15.)

During the Coffee Cup, Koch played for the Light & Sweet Electric Co. as a lineup player.

During the Season 18 elections, Koch gained the Slow Build modification as a result of the Slow Build blessing.

During the Season 19 elections, Koch received the Legendary Super Roamin' Fifth Base from the blessing of the same name, becoming Super Roamin'.

During Season 20, Koch moved to the Philly Pies, San Francisco Lovers, Moist Talkers, and Yellowstone Magic before placing The Fifth Base in Tastycake Stadium on Day 38.

During the Season 22 elections, Koch gained the Negative modification as a result of the Roster Flip blessing.


COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

History

Nicknames

The Original Koch was known to give himself several nicknames during events, using his bat as a microphone, which amplified his voice. He could be heard whispering encouraging mantras into the handle of his bat as he prepared his swings. It is disputed whether Koch realized this was audible. At a charity fundraiser following the Season 2 shutout game against the Hades Tigers, a seven-year old child dared Koch to list every single nickname in chronological order, which they promptly completed on-the-spot.

Nicknames include, but are not limited to: Coach Koch, Truest Jesús't, Koch Got Your Tongue, Loose Jesús, The Jesús'st with the Moistest, Slippy, Other-side, Wetfoot, Dampsock, Nickname King, The Jaden Smith of Blaseball, The Willow Smith of Blaseball, Captain "Cap" Anti-Cap, The Killer Hitter, Kid with a Comet In His Hands, The Anti-Meteorite, They Who Face The Blaseball, Mx. Respect the Receptacle, Clinch Hitter No-Quitter, Jesús-3000, Outkast Stan, Aquaman but Reverse, Kochlear Cavity, Talkin' Chuy, Babe Ruth-But-Hot, The Word, Grandest Slammest.

Alternate Reality Switch

At the end of Season 4, the Original Koch was one of the players affected by the ███████ ███████ event and as a result was replaced with another version of themselves from an alternate reality. This individual, hailing from the Frigid Hush, the home team of the Tundra Sector of ██████████████, was significantly different from the original Koch. Whereas Original Koch's general demeanor was one of extroversion, the Alternate Koch is much more reserved. Additionally, Alternate Koch seems to be consistently haunted by the ghost of their deceased teammate Tyler Violet. It is speculated that this might be due to the absence of Ziwa Mueller in Alternate Koch's original reality but it has not been confirmed.

Scorpler's Jacket

After the events of Ruby Tuesday, the Hades Tigers gifted the Moist Talkers Mclaughlin Scorpler's jacket in solidarity over the losses both teams suffered. Originally, it was believed that the jacket would be worn by Greer Lott as they had claimed "dibs" on "any cool stuff" the team received. However, after a team vote it was decided that Koch would receive it. When asked about the bequeathal, Ziwa Mueller stated that "Ever since the swap Jesús has been a bit of an outsider. After all the... stuff that’s happened they never really got a chance to feel welcome so hopefully this helps a bit."  Despite their initial apprehension, Koch eventually claimed that the jacket "felt right" despite multiple instances where they had to be treated for arachnid related stings and injuries from lingering traces of Scorpler.

Before being purged by the Blaseball Management, Koch’s jacket had begun to accumulate patches given to him by his teammates in an attempt to make Koch feel a greater sense of ownership over the Jacket. Known patches that were attached to the jacket include:

  • Koch’s Jacket (Reportedly given to Koch by York Silk)
  • Foxy Grandpa (Reportedly given to Koch by Greer Lott)
  • Certified Sugar Mama (Reportedly given to Koch by Jenkins Good)
  • MLG PRO Subscribe to xX_CV_SOGGERS_Xx.ttv (Clearly given by Commissioner Vapor)

Time with the Moist Talkers

After coming to terms with the anxieties he had being compared to the “original Jesús”, Koch found a role on the team as the close friend and pseudo-caretaker of Commissioner Vapor and York Silk. Dubbed the “Teen Squad” by the rest of the team, despite Koch being older than the other two, the three lived in a shared apartment which they were able to find thanks to the help of Polkadot Patterson. There Koch began to widen his horizons and engage in more hobbies outside of the Blaseball diamond.

Joining Teammate Cedric Spliff on multiple outings Koch picked up an interest in both needle felting and dice moulding after discovering he had exceptional finger dexterity. Additionally, during long term siestas, Koch has been seen acting as an assistant Blaseball coach for former teammate Ortiz Morse’s Blittle league team. Reportedly, Koch has earned the nickname “Uncle Coke" after multiple Blittle league players mistakenly mispronounced his name.

After the incineration and subsequent revival of teammate and close friend York Silk, Koch began to return to previous patterns of self isolation, this was exacerbated by his extended time spent in Elsewhere which he refuses to comment on publicly. Eventually with the support of his teammates and fellow “Teen squad” member Commissioner Vapor, Koch was able to return to his position on the team and confront teammate York Silk about the emotional gap that had seemingly formed between them. However before the two were able to reconcile Silk was transferred to the Seattle Garages. Reports indicate the two have not spoken since this transfer.


Super Roamin’ Fifth Base travels

In the season nineteen election, Jesús Koch received the Legendary Super Roamin' Fifth Base, causing him to travel around the ILB. He has started a blog to document his travels. As well, some splorts columnists, especially at the Halifax Gazette, have been known to update their readers on his journey during slow news weeks. The update below may be one of Koch’s blog entries, a newspaper column about his travels, or an entry from one of the sporadically updated fan blogs that reports on him.

This time, the Interdimensional Rumor Mill reveals a Travel Update from IF-52.323 out of its Travel Update Registry...

Talkers Batter’s Home Away From Home – Halifax Gazette, Season 20, Day 2

Halifax splorts fans have been in an uproar about the impending departure of Moist Talkers batter Jesús Koch. We caught up with Koch after the season opener to find out how he plans to travel between teams. We learned that the whole team has been busy this offseason helping him modify an ATV to travel in, so he’ll have his own space wherever he goes. “Augusto [Reddick] suggested a camper van,” Koch told us, “but then we realized that with ILB teams in locations like Tokyo, Hades, and the Core, I’d need something that could handle different terrain.”

We asked how this would help with crossing the Atlantic Ocean, but Koch just said “it’s an all terrain vehicle” and then changed the subject to talk about how it had been customized. So we don’t know if it’s a standard ATV or some kind of flying device, but we do know it has a full sized bed and a surprising amount of storage.

At this point it’s not clear whether Koch will always be arriving in his new ATV. When asked if teams he roams to would need to find parking spots for it, he said, “Well, it is a lot of driving, so I think sometimes I might take Morse up on his offer to give me rides instead. Or I could just take the bus.”


Roamin' to Yellowstone

After roamin' to the Yellowstone Magic on the Super Roamin' Fifth Base, Koch became fast friends with many members of the team. He quickly grew close with Bonk Jokes, who preceded him in the lineup. Jokes dared him to drop the fifth base in the Pies stadium as a prank. Koch followed through, leaving the base and his travelling days behind him.

Though his decision to quit roamin' was perhaps an impulsive one, Koch didn't regret it. Settling down in Yellowstone felt right. He bonded with his teammates (including Curry Aliciakeyes and Tiana Wheeler) over pranks and weird food choices, and even taught Bonk Jokes to party. He became a counselor at Spell Scout Summer Camp, where he led canoe trips and swim lessons.

Despite the weak cell signal in the park, Koch kept in touch with the friends he made in Halifax, especially Commissioner Vapor.  He also continued to stream video games whenever he could.

Trivia

  • Koch is a skilled breakdancer. This skill was first shown in a livestream broadcast by Commissioner Vapor wherein Vapor asked Koch to “do something cool”. It is to this day still Vapor’s most watched stream.
  • Koch insists that he is only slightly shorter than Commissioner Vapor, making him one of the tallest members of the team. This claim has been disputed following the multiple infusions of Greer Lott and the Return of Richmond Harrison in Season 17.


Fan Works