Elijah Valenzuela

Elijah Valenzuela
Basic Information
Team	Breckenridge Jazz Hands
Former Team(s)	Hawaii Fridays
Status	Active
Batting
Pitching
Defense
Running
External Links	Blaseball-Reference Player Changes Player Page
Personal Information
Item	None
Armor	None
Evolution	Base
Pregame Ritual	Gossip
Coffee Style	Coffee?
Blood Type	O
Fate	39
Soulscream	AAEAAAAEAAAAAAHXAAAHXAAIAAAAIAAAAAAAHXAAAHXAIIAOXIIAOXIIUIOAIUIOAIAOAIIAOAIIAAHAIHAHAIHAIXAOEIXAOEI
Biographical Details
Pronouns	he/him
Side Hustle	Socialist revolution

Elijah Valenzuela is a lineup player for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands and has been with the team since the Season 7 Elections, when he was traded from the Hawaii Fridays. Valenzuela is regarded by both splortswriters and SIBR as one of the most anticapitalist players in blaseball, second only to Schneider Bendie of the New York Millennials

Official League Records

Season 3

Valenzuela ended the season with 10 stolen bases, ranking him #3 in the league.

Season 5

Elijah had a career-defining season, finishing with a 0.355 BA (#2 in the league), 20 doubles (tied for #5), 128 hits (#2), and 0.431 OBP (#2).

During the Season 5 election, Valenzuela's baserunning and defense fell half a star as a part of the Charleston Shoe Thieves' Bad Neighbors blessing.

Season 6

On Season 6, Day 61, Valenzuela's defensive ability was siphoned by Dallas Steaks batter Cory Ross as a result of Blooddrain weather, reducing it from to .

Season 7

On Season 7, Day 20, Valenzuela siphoned some of Boyfriend Monreal's baserunning ability. On Day 79, Valenzuela swallowed a stray peanut and had an allergic reaction, lowering their star ratings.

At the end of Season 7, Valenzuela was traded to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands for Aldon Cashmoney by the Popular by Association blessing.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

History

Background

Elijah is a fan favorite as well as a hero of the proletariat, having been a central figure during the revolution that established the Sovereign Nation of Hawaii.

Day of the Pineapple

One of the earliest militant actions that initiated the revolution came out of Elijah's involvement in the Day of the Pineapple. Elijah was once a farmer in Hawai'i, and worked on a pineapple farm. Speaking with some of the indigenous farmers, he learned that pineapple, internationally seen as emblematic of Hawaiian cuisine and culture, was in fact not native to the island at all, and that the cultivation of pineapple in Hawai'i was introduced by colonizers. Pineapple was and remained a cash crop and a colonial venture, grown by poor farmers like him who stayed poor, to make the rich colonizers ever richer. Like many, he had not thought about it all that much before then, and while on the surface its misleading reputation as a Hawaiian fruit seemed trivial at first, the way in which the truth was hidden right under everyone's nose was deeply affecting to him. If something so well known as Hawaiian was in truth not truly Hawaiian, and in many ways was harmful to Hawai'i, what did it really mean to be Hawaiian?

As the oppressive conditions of colonial Hawai'i deepened, the unrest among the farmers turned to direct action. Inspired by the lesson he learned about the pineapple, during a meeting among the farmers of the local community, he tore a pineapple out of the ground, and told everyone that he was done growing the colonizer's fruit for them, and whoever agreed should follow him. A crowd of farmers, carrying as many pineapples as they could, surrounded the local rural courthouse, jail, and police station, and began pelting the building with pineapples, throwing them through windows, covering the front stairs with sticky juice, and even Elijah himself caving in the hood of the police chief's car with an almost ripe pineapple. This set off a local agricultural strike, which developed into a general strike, and the rest is history.

Hawai'i Fridays

Elijah joined the Hawai'i Fridays during the formation of the team and the ILB.

He was renowned during his time with the Fridays for stealing homes both on and off the blaseball field. Not only did Elijah steal Fourth Base on multiple occasions during league play, but for every base he stole during a game with the Fridays, he liberated a vacant mainlander vacation home, and gave it to unhoused Hawaiians in need of good Vibes.

Sam and Solis' Passing

Elijah was notably upset by the sudden passing of Sam Solis while pitching against the Charleston Shoe Thieves. At the post-game cookout, when asked what he thought of the formal investigation calling Solis' passing "natural causes," his only reply was, "Is that they're calling it?" and walked away.

Season 5

Elijah had a career-defining season, finishing with the 2nd highest league batting average (0.355), 5th in doubles hit (20), 2nd in hits (128), and 2nd in on-base percentage (0.431), showcasing his abilities to keep innings alive for his team and avoid outs. After such a great season, Valenzuela was given the Golden Rainbow Award by the Hawai'i Fridays, recognizing him as team MVP. He attributed his success primarily to an abundance of good vibes from his teammates and the community, saying that he is "simply another man, lifted by, lifting for, and lifting with his neighbors."

Season 7 Sandal Gift

On day 20 of season 7, Elijah and Boyfriend Monreal decided to have a stroll down the beach during the bottom of the 7th. The two returned before Elijah had to go up to bat, but due to both having the same shoe size, accidentally put on each other's footwear. They both had a laugh about being sole mates, and offered their sandals to each other as a gift. Also Elijah really had to go up to bat, so they didn't have time to swap shoes anyway.

Like many, he was devastated by Boyfriend's passing on Day 96.

Departing the Fridays

While the whole of ILB was getting swept up in the chaos of helping the Tacos organize the Snackrifice, attempting to solve the Peanut Puzzle, and the climactic end of the season which saw York Silk narrowly avoiding becoming Shelled, Elijah was mostly supporting his teammates from behind the scenes in general. Used to being caught up in the action, and ready at any moment to jump in, Elijah ultimately not being directly called upon as his teammates gave their all to get through it was a bit of a surprise. This gave Elijah an unexpected feeling of pride and contentment, both in his team and towards his time as Captain. The feeling that the Fridays would make it through anything, with or without him, closely followed.

Joining the Jazz Hands

Valenzuela first built ties to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands during Season 7's Party Time, where he met Steph Weeks during the Fridays' get-together. Weeks had gone to spend time with the Fridays as a way of reconnecting with his Native Hawaiian heritage & memories, and Valenzuela was happy to help. The two quickly became close, and were seen talking all the way until Party Time ended.

During the Season 7 Elections, word reached the Fridays that Aldon Cashmoney wanted to join the team, but needed someone to replace vim in Breckenridge. The team was surprised when Valenzuela volunteered to be vis replacement. Later interviews revealed his decision was informed by a combined push and pull. The push was that Valenzuela had, at this point, beaten almost all of Hawai'i's police into resignation as part of his police abolition project, leaving him with little work to do outside of preparing for Blaseball seasons. The pull was that Valenzuela had recognized Weeks' isolation as an estranged Native Hawaiian in Breckenridge, and wanted to help alleviate that distress. Valenzuela left the remaining police to Alyssa Harrell and flew to Breckenridge shortly after the Elections ended.

Upon arriving in Breckenridge, Valenzuela was gifted an airship by the Jazz Hands Band due to a misunderstanding of the source of his nickname, "Captain" (or, as his new team pronounced it, "Cap'n"). Though accidental, he accepted the gift with grace, and soon learned to fly his new vessel, the Quandary, with the frequent assistance of Weeks. In exchange, Valenzuela brought his police abolition project to Colorado, sparking multiple conflicts with traffic police after minor incidents while learning to pilot the Quandary. He also spent much time one-on-one with Weeks, introducing him to the history & culture of Hawai'i and sparking rumors of a closer relationship between the two Hawaiians. Valenzuela and Weeks confirmed their relationship in an interview shortly before Season 8 began.

Interdimensional Rumor Mill

No other versions of Elijah Valenzuela have been observed. If you have information regarding a different version of Elijah Valenzuela, please add it here.

Gallery

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  Season 2 Tlopps card.

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  Season 3 card.