Elijah Valenzuela

Elijah Valenzuela
Basic Information
Team	Breckenridge Jazz Hands
Former Team(s)	Hawaii Fridays
Status	Active
Batting
Pitching
Defense
Running
External Links	Blaseball-Reference Player Changes Player Page
Personal Information
Item	None
Armor	None
Evolution	Base
Pregame Ritual	Gossip
Coffee Style	Coffee?
Blood Type	O
Fate	39
Soulscream	AAEHAAAEHAAAAAIAAAAIAAAAAUAAAAUAAAAAEAAAAEAAIIAUIIIAUIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAUAAAAUAAAAAEAAAAEAAIIAUIIIAUII
Biographical Details
Pronouns	he/him
Side Hustle	Socialist revolution

Elijah Valenzuela is a lineup player for the Breckenridge Jazz Hands and has been with the team since the Season 7 Elections, when he was traded from the Hawaii Fridays. Valenzuela is regarded by both splortswriters and SIBR as one of the most anticapitalist players in blaseball, second only to Schneider Bendie of the New York Millennials

Official League Records

Season 3

Valenzuela ended the season with 10 stolen bases, ranking him #3 in the league.

Season 5

Elijah had a career-defining season, finishing with a 0.355 BA (#2 in the league), 20 doubles (tied for #5), 128 hits (#2), and 0.431 OBP (#2).

During the Season 5 election, Valenzuela's baserunning and defense fell half a star as a part of the Charleston Shoe Thieves' Bad Neighbors blessing.

Season 6

On Season 6, Day 61, Valenzuela's defensive ability was siphoned by Dallas Steaks batter Cory Ross as a result of Blooddrain weather, reducing it from to .

Season 7

On Season 7, Day 20, Valenzuela siphoned some of Boyfriend Monreal's baserunning ability. On Day 79, Valenzuela swallowed a stray peanut and had an allergic reaction, lowering their star ratings.

At the end of Season 7, Valenzuela was traded to the Breckenridge Jazz Hands for Aldon Cashmoney by the Popular by Association blessing.

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

History

Background

Elijah is a fan favorite as well as a hero of the proletariat, having been a central figure during the revolution that established the Sovereign Nation of Hawaii.

Day of the Pineapple

One of the earliest militant actions that initiated the revolution came out of Elijah's involvement in the Day of the Pineapple. Elijah was once a farmer in Hawai'i, and worked on a pineapple farm. Speaking with some of the indigenous farmers, he learned that pineapple, internationally seen as emblematic of Hawaiian cuisine and culture, was in fact not native to the island at all, and that the cultivation of pineapple in Hawai'i was introduced by colonizers. Pineapple was and remained a cash crop and a colonial venture, grown by poor farmers like him who stayed poor, to make the rich colonizers ever richer. Like many, he had not thought about it all that much before then, and while on the surface its misleading reputation as a Hawaiian fruit seemed trivial at first, the way in which the truth was hidden right under everyone's nose was deeply affecting to him. If something so well known as Hawaiian was in truth not truly Hawaiian, and in many ways was harmful to Hawai'i, what did it really mean to be Hawaiian?

As the oppressive conditions of colonial Hawai'i deepened, the unrest among the farmers turned to direct action. Inspired by the lesson he learned about the pineapple, during a meeting among the farmers of the local community, he tore a pineapple out of the ground, and told everyone that he was done growing the colonizer's fruit for them, and whoever agreed should follow him. A crowd of farmers, carrying as many pineapples as they could, surrounded the local rural courthouse, jail, and police station, and began pelting the building with pineapples, throwing them through windows, covering the front stairs with sticky juice, and even Elijah himself caving in the hood of the police chief's car with an almost ripe pineapple. This set off a local agricultural strike, which developed into a general strike, and the rest is history.

Blaseball Career

He is renowned for stealing homes both on and off the blaseball field. Not only has Elijah stolen Fourth Base on multiple occasions during league play, but for every base he steals during a game, he also liberates a vacant mainlander vacation home and gives it to unhoused Hawaiians in need of good Vibes.

Sam and Solis' Passing

Elijah was notably upset by the sudden passing of Sam Solis while pitching against the Charleston Shoe Thieves. At the post-game cookout, when asked what he thought of the formal investigation calling Solis' passing "natural causes," his only reply was, "Is that they're calling it?" and walked away.

Season 5

Elijah had a career-defining season, finishing with the 2nd highest league batting average (0.355), 5th in doubles hit (20), 2nd in hits (128), and 2nd in on-base percentage (0.431), showcasing his abilities to keep innings alive for his team and avoid outs. After such a great season, Valenzuela was given the Golden Rainbow Award by the Hawai'i Fridays, recognizing him as team MVP. He attributed his success primarily to an abundance of good vibes from his teammates and the community, saying that he is "simply another man, lifted by, lifting for, and lifting with his neighbors."

Season 7 Sandal Gift

On day 20 of season 7, Elijah and Boyfriend Monreal decided to have a stroll down the beach during the bottom of the 7th. The two returned before Elijah had to go up to bat, but due to both having the same shoe size, accidentally put on each other's footwear. They both had a laugh about being sole mates, and offered their sandals to each other as a gift. Also Elijah really had to go up to bat, so they didn't have time to swap shoes anyway.

Gallery

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  Season 2 Tlopps card.

• 

  Season 3 card.