Math Velazquez

Math Velazquez
Basic Information
Team	Houston Spies
Status	Active
Batting
Pitching
Defense
Running
Modifications	AlternateThis Player is an Alternate... Player is replaced with an alternate reality version, stats are randomized.
Dates Active	Jul 20, 2020–present
External Links	Blaseball-Reference Player Changes Player Page
Personal Information
Item	None
Armor	None
Evolution	Base
Pregame Ritual	Hallucinations
Coffee Style	Plenty of Sugar
Blood Type	Fire
Fate	65
Soulscream	IAEOHIAEOHIEIAAEEIAAEEIAAIHIAAIHIAHAIAAHAIAAEOAHUEOAHUEOEIAHOEIAHOOAAAHOAAAHOIAAIIIAAIII
Biographical Details
Pronouns	N/A

Math Velazquez is a lineup player for the Houston Spies, and has been part of the team since Season 1.

Official League Records

Velazquez joined the ILB as a pitcher at the beginning of Season 1.

At of the end of Season 3, Velazquez was one of 5 players in Internet League Blaseball to have a 0-star rating, with the others being Lars Taylor of the Hellmouth Sunbeams, Chambers Simmons of the Boston Flowers, Gunther O'Brian of the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and Wyatt Glover of the Unlimited Tacos. All of them are pitchers.

On Season 9, Day 52, Velazquez became a lineup player due to Reverb.

During the Coffee Cup, Velazquez played for Royal PoS as a lineup player.

History

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Math Velazquez became one of the first non-human entities to play blaseball when Velazquez began career pitching for the Houston Spies in season 1.

Velazquez's origin, like so much relating to the Houston Spies, is ultimately a mystery, but the two prevailing hypotheses hold that Velazquez is either a metaphysical construct created by a secret, forbidden sect of mathematicians for some unknown purpose, or a normal human forced into this present form after a disastrous attempt to divide by zero.

It has been postulated by devoted Spies fans that Velazquez currently plays blaseball since Velazquez's previous outreach effort to convince the general public to appreciate the mathematical discipline, coolmathgames.com, was removed from the Internet—or possibly since blaseball's geometric fields, many statistics, and parabolic curves appeal to Math's sensibilities.

This conjecture as to Velazquez's true motives is necessary since, according to intel from an indeterminate inside source, no one on the Houston Spies is good enough at math to decipher what Math wants to say. Unfortunately, this means that in order to communicate, Velazquez usually has to individually graph each word that they want to say on a TI-84 calculator, a process that is laborious at best.

This linguistic (?) barrier is likely the reason why the Spies have a problem with optimizing their team lineup; after asking Velazquez about the subject in hopes of finding a mathematically perfect optimization, the output was so confusing that players were rumored to resort to measures such as charades and the "hot and cold" game to find a lineup they could actually use.

After this incident, the Spies decided to put Velazquez's talents at obfuscation to use, assigning Velazquez to run the Hungarian numbers station that serves as the team's official form of communication.

Velazquez does not accept the usage of any pronoun to refer to Velazquez . When asked why this was, Velazquez returned a paper with "${\textstyle p=0.05}$" on it.

Stars

Season 3 Math Velazquez blaseball card.

Math Velazquez is known to have consulted with several eminent mathematicians in the hopes of developing an experimental algorithm which would allow Velazquez to become the first blaseball player with a negative star rating. It is unknown how Velazquez intends to achieve this, why Velazquez considers this outcome desirable, and what impact it would have on blaseball as a whole. They are likely correct in this conjecture, as Velazquez appears as patterns in everything, and it is therefore, for all practical purposes, omniscient.

Velazquez has published academic papers theorising that achieving negative values is a first step towards opening blaseball up to ever more esoteric branches of mathematics—irrational numbers, complex numbers, and perhaps even beyond that into geometry, algebra, polyhedrons and more. Again, it is unknown why Velazquez considers this outcome desirable, and opposing scholars have warned that success in this project could critically destabilise blaseball.

Velazquez has been spotted spending a lot of time with recent Spies acquisition Fitzgerald Blackburn. When pressed, Velazquez said that as Blackburn is a doctor in all the ways that count, xe is helping Velazquez achieve a negative star rating, and the relationship between the two is nobody's business.

Velazquez has also been observed trying to convince everyone's son, Son Scotch, to enter a stable and profitable career in mathematics.

Alternate Reality/"New Math" Velazquez

After the decree Alternate Reality was ratified at the end of Season 4, Spies fans were shocked and dismayed to discover that Velazquez had been replaced. In collaboration with teammates Blackburn and Collins Melon, Velazquez, speculatively voluntarily, was subject to to a shift in dimensions, believing that this would be the "ultimate and final answer, the delta [Velazquez] had been searching for" for achieving the fabled negative star rating.

However, when Velazquez departed, a "New Math" took Velazquez's place; and after the ILB's mandatory ratings committee meeting, Velazquez was granted an improvement in stars in every area.

The rest of the Houston Spies were, by their reports, crushed by this news, lamenting the dreams of the Velazquez they once knew. New Math's pitches, though faster, became uncharacteristically predictable. But when New Math used their metre stick, or twirled oversized pens, or performed investigations with the Spies' iconic bat-sized magnifying glasses, they were handled with "near unimaginable" grace. Velazquez had become a 4-star batter, and was training every day to become stronger.

Blaseball theorists have concluded that Velazquez, being Math, exists as a singular continuous entity through all parallel universes operating off of mathematical laws, leading some fans as well as players such as Blackburn to conclude that "Math is Math."

When asked about the change, New Math simply stated (after rigorous translation efforts), "Let's just say I picked up a few stars from a passing friend," with what could be vaguely described as a wink. Math Velazquez, in a post-game interview on Day 7 of Season 4, was recorded saying, "My new dream? Entering the binary domain. The big 1-0. Double digits," and subsequently soulscreamed into the reporter's microphone.

To New Math's disappointment, the Spies are extremely reticent to change the lineup initially suggested by the old Velazquez, with some players paranoid about infiltration by a double agent.

New Math has not yet made an official statement regarding what precisely happened when making the dimension swap, but an anonymous investigative journalist for The Blaseball Chimes released a short—albeit dramatised—article, the first of its kind that the Spies had ever allowed to be published:

Math had stated that they had been feeling strange throughout the fourth season. Most of The Spies chocked this up to their overall wins declining; an imbalance in the numbers, some had said. But something wasn't adding up. Math had pitched against the odds in the past, but this season, it was like the percentages had been flipped on their heads. Math pushed Mathself in every game despite their clear discomfort. Math was spending more time with Son playing catch, and even gifted Son their gold-plated protractor; the same one Math had used the past 3+ seasons to predict opposing hits and calculate their own precise, baffling pitches. Blackburn was given Math's TI-84, the most expensive piece of computing technology they could think of. Melon was pulled aside and spoken to, but as of yet has not commented on what Math told them. Donia Bailey was given a hug; the first she claims she's ever received.

After The Spies were put into party time, Math was nowhere to be found except during games. While festivities were held, Math was alone. Surprisingly, new Spies member Morrow was the first to comment that "something wasn't adding up" with Math, but was generally shot down with phrases from the team such as, "Math is Math," and "The numbers don't lie."

Then, the postseason came, and the Tigers won the fourth season, and Math had reportedly been heard saying "I just wish the Talkers had accounted for the wind in the 11th." Math's vibes were stable, but the numbers on their face were looking more and more imaginary. Until finally, as all the ILB teams gathered to view the blessing and decree results, Math refused to join them. Instead, Math simply said the words, "I'll see you all again. You can count on it." The Spies all knew what was coming, and instead of viewing the results, stayed and sat with Math for their final hour.

It all happened very quickly, according to eyewitness reports. There was a loud crunching sound, followed by a low hum and pop—and where Math stood, no two reports are the same on what took place.

Outside of one detail.

When New Math appeared, in their pitching hand, everyone claims to have seen a faint glimmer.

The glimmer of a star—a star that nobody even knew was there.

"Math was always a variable—but Math's love for the Spies was, and always will be, a constant."

A New Friendship

Season 11 of Blaseball saw the introduction of the Baltimore Crabs’ replacement team, the Tokyo Lift. After the Spies’ first game against the Lift, the team captain, Stijn Strongbody, stopped by the Spies’ locker room to invite Math Velazquez to stay at the Lift stadium for the night. When asked why, Strongbody stated that he had always had a fascination with advanced mathematics and wanted to get to know Velazquez.

This first meeting was the start of a strong friendship. Strongbody and Velazquez get along well, and are often seen spending time together when the Spies are in Tokyo or when the Lift travel to Houston. The duo can be found trying to figure out incomprehensible graphs, discussing and debating paradoxes, or attempting to prove impossible conjectures.

According to an anonymous source, when the Lift were visiting Houston, Velazquez went to visit Strongbody’s hotel and stayed there for several days. By the time another Spy paid a visit to see what was going on, Math and Stijn were both passed out over a table cluttered with paper, and had to be physically removed from the room despite both their protests about the problem still being unsolved.

Outside of frantic and brief meetings between games, the two remain in contact with each other. Strongbody has been seen texting Velazquez asking for help with various mathematics puzzles, and Velazquez has reportedly secured access to several Tokyo-area university libraries. The two teams view their friendship with admiration, a sign of the league finally coming together after the Discipline Era.

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Gallery

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  Math demonstrating Math's skill with a bat.

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  Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky