An Undisclosed Location

From Blaseball Wiki

An Undisclosed Location (also known as REDACTED) is the site at which Houston Spies home games are played.

COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Transportation

As allowing opponents within 15 miles of Spies HQ would constitute a major security breach, Spies management instead generously and discreetly transports opposing players, staff and flans to this undisclosed location by means of an unknown process which nobody who has experienced has yet been able to describe or remember.

Local Amenities

The undisclosed location houses an international-class blaseball ballpark, with absolutely nothing around it. No distinguishing features can be discerned in the surrounding area, and individuals who attempt to leave without utilizing the Spies' generous and discreet transportation arrangements report finding nothing but boundless horizon stretching out in every direction, and eventually having to ask the individuals in grey trench coats tailing them to take them back to the stadium. It is unclear whether the undisclosed location is anywhere near Houston geographically, or even conceptually.

Refreshments

An Undisclosed Location maintains a wide array of modern refreshment options throughout the stadium. In keeping with the Spies' anticapitalist ideals, all refreshments are freely available to all, except for statutory age restrictions on all goods prepared by secret agents and laced with poison, which are clearly marked.

The two most visible concessions stands are called Counter Intelligence and Counter Espionage, one on each baseline. However, other stands may be found via a variety of means, such as stenciled markings only visible in the UV spectrum, or parkour.

Trash Cans

There are an above average number of trash cans at the Spies stadium, playfully labeled as Dead Drops. Placing an object in the trash can or touching it in any way produces a sound much louder than you would expect. Occasionally trash cans will emit a high pitched “charge whistle” sound when approached by someone with a lot of trash in their possession, both literal and metaphysical trash. [1]

Some say they've seen janitors tailing guests that have been indicated by the trash cans in this manner. There have also been rumors that the janitors also take the trash to a secret lab to study the Monitor's new concessions instead of disposing of it. Such rumors should be classified as "Quite Silly" and ignored. The Spies Are Just A Blaseball Team.

If you wish to opt out of such hypothetical nonexistent studies, the actual disposal of trash can be accomplished via a network of incineration chutes located along the inner walls.

Clubrooms

There are two clubrooms associated with An Undisclosed Location; one is the home room for the Spies themselves, and the other is available to the visiting team. The rooms are secured using iris scanners on the doors and fingerprint locks on the lockers. (Individuals who do not have eyes to operate the iris scanner with may access the room through a nearby air duct.)

The contents of any given locker are not tied to the location you put them, but to your biometric identity: using your fingerprint to open a locker results in the door opening to your specific locker, regardless of whether you originally put your things in a locker on the other side of the room, or even in the other clubroom.

The bathroom attached to each clubroom contains many fully enclosed shower stalls (though all attempts to count exactly how many there are have failed) and a hot tub.

An adjoining kitchenette holds unmarked, opaque packages of snacks and drinks. Pick one up at random and it will just so happen to be the exact thing you wanted. Whether this is because the Spies already knew that you would reach into that specific place on the shelves and put your favorites there, or whether they are filled with the inchoate potential of snackness that only resolves to a definite form once observed, is unknown.

One end of the Spies' home clubroom has a door leading to HQ. The other has a door that opens to the stadium. However, the Spies are adamant in their insistence that An Undisclosed Location is nowhere near HQ at all. Given the strange dimensional nature of all the other entrances to the Location, this is entirely plausible, though nobody is certain why they are so insistent.

A Q&A With [REDACTED]

This leaflet was found stuck underneath the windshield wipers of every subcompact car located within half a mile of [ERROR: DATA NOT FOUND].

Q. What is the name of the stadium of the Houston Spies?

A. That's above your classification level. That's above my classification level.

Q. What does it feel like to be in the stands at the Houston Spies' stadium?

A. Many visitors have remarked on our feedback surveys that the stadium feels too empty. This is partly because it is heavily sound-proofed, and partly because there are a large number of mannequins and cardboard cut-out people in the seats. Sometimes the mannequins and cardboard cutouts move. Sometimes the human people don't. Some have reported finding themselves feeling like if they move too much, if they draw attention to themselves, the false people will realize the human visitors are not one of them and will turn on them violently. This is a memetic effect that was installed in error during the construction of some sections of the stands; if it happens to you, please knock three times on the left armrest of your seat and someone will appear to assist you.

Different parts of the stadium actually have different architecture; it looks pieced-together. The Agency is rumored to have dimensional-portal-based super-technology; perhaps the stadium is pieced-together. Some of the architecture is Brutalist and underground, while clear blue sky can be seen from other parts. Some of the stands are a rickety wood-and-rusty-metal construction, and one part of the stadium looks like nothing so much as a chunk of disused opera house.

You definitely went down to get to the stadium, and the weather in the piece of sky you can see doesn't match the weather that you remember seeing in Houston. How did the birds get here? Where did all these birds come from? Where will they go? What will you do with them? You just don't know.

Q. What does the stadium look like from outside?

A. The stadium cannot be seen from the outside.

Q. How do you access the Houston Spies' stadium?

A. There are many ways into the stadium. Try to discover them all! A hint to get you started: turn the second hook of the third dressing room on the right of a Houston Nordstrom's. When the door swings open, enter the tunnel; mind your head on the second turn of the staircase. Wheelchair users may prefer the ramped tunnel, accessible from the largest dressing room by pressing the button hidden under the seat.

Upon arriving, you will be given your mask and directed to your seat. You don't need to buy a ticket. We've been expecting you, agent.

Q. There was an encoded message / mission directive / partial briefing in my seat / briefcase after leaving / hot dog.

A. That's not a question.

Q. What is the Halftime Debriefing?

A. Randomly-selected agents are asked to provide secret code phrases, counter-phrases, and other information (e.g. "Name this woman" while being provided a photograph and other identity information), finishing by giving a salute appropriate to their place in the agency for records-keeping purposes.

Commonly, first-time debriefees act flustered and concerned about the potential consequences of "giving wrong answers." Agency PR has required us to declassify this to you: there are no wrong answers. The Agency uses the Halftime Debriefing to test the predictability of code phrases, counter-phrases, cover identity names, and so on.

A wealth of information about agents' training, handler history, mission specialties, and health can be deduced from the end-of-Debriefing salute. If you haven't received, or do not remember receiving, training in salute performance, simply do what feels natural to you.


  1. When Chorby Soul II played at the stadium in Season 18, all trash cans had to be bubble-wrapped so that they would stop screaming.