Parker Parra/Rumor Registry
Rumors
Parker Parra has 6 Rumors written about so far.
Parker Parra/IF-00.30
Meet the Crab™ LLC Team!
Parker Parra - Chief Media Emissary
You might think from looking at them that Parker Parra is a troublemaker who causes more issues for People Ops than they're worth. And you'd be right! However, noting their success as a Crabs-Classic™ media darling, we at Crabs LLC™ have capitalized on their marketability to attract a Streaming Audience.
You can catch Parker Parra commentating Company-Approved Videos Game at the times listed in the schedule on their Twlich™ page. In their spare time they love playing by the rules, raising company morale, and taking any company-mandated reprimands like an absolute champ!
Some Parker Parra Fun Facts!
- Has a sixth toe on one foot
- Has a penchant for fly fishing
- Can do seven consecutive pushups
Parker Parra/IF-11.551
Hobbies
Like many 5th dimensional entities projected into the 3rd dimension, Parker can be a bit of an eccentric. They have trouble wrapping their head around a lot of concepts very rooted in three dimensions, like twist tops on jars and bottles, that weird thing the Jazz Hands do with their fingers, the concept of wind, and lava lamps. They love experiencing new things on the plane, things others might find mundane, and have an infectious enthusiasm for life. Being 'time agnostic' doesn't grant them any precognition that we know of, it tends to just mean that the first time they learn how to open an unlocked door is 'somewhere in the middle,' and they'll simply appear to forget how to do it for the moment.
They love people, and the things they create, but some media seems lost on them. While they can read, decoding the squiggles on the page bores them, and even if they can sorta get what's trying to be conveyed over a screen, it's just a plane of light. Music is more to their liking, though their tastes are decades ahead of our own. They were half of the cult experimental hypoindustrial band Shopping List! Mustard, Frozen Peas, Tomatoes, Panko with Adalberto Tosser, and released a total of one EP and two singles before breaking up over artistic similarities. They have been a consistent groupie for Tosser's other musical projects since. Parra is also a lover of performance art, often moved to tears over the storytelling power of dance, live shows, and teppanyaki restaurants. They consider themselves a thespian, particularly of classical drama, though their idea of 'the joy of theater' (said as pompously as you can imagine) involves tickets to Jlerry Springer, JUDGE SINS, and sitcoms filmed in front of a live studio audience.
The Weird Things We Do With Our Hands
Noted tabloid Cupid's Aro, infamous for sensationalized news about celebrities not being in relationships, released a piece about Parker prior to their ILB debut, detailing the mysterious Crab's lack of personal affairs. According to the senior investigator-blogger, from a 'trusted' source who hadn't yet learned to keep his mouth shut, Parker Parra and Sutton Dreamy were extremely close from the moment they first met; after a mutual discussion about partnership, their relationship lasted all of ██ minutes before realizing that, verbatim, "yeah no this ain't it." The two of them remain the dearest of friends to this day, Parra happily embracing aromanticism, and Dreamy eventually finding partnerships elsewhere.
From the moment they returned from Up, Parra apparently spent the Crabs' sabbatical lateseason out in Hawai'i, in the company of their closest companion. They had a lot to catch up on.
Ascension
After winning three championships with the Baltimore Crabs, Parker Parra ascended to the big leagues alongside the rest of the team. Coming back with a flinch however, their already middling batting meant they could rarely get on base. When the opportunity arose they were traded to the Boston Flowers for the Crab’s old star hitter, Nagomi Mcdaniel.
On the Boston Flowers
Parker Parra spent a single season pitching for the Boston Flowers before being traded back to the Crabs for their star pitcher Brock Forbes.
Return to the Crabs - Time for Crab
After their season away in Boston Parra returned to the Crabs in good spirits, and despite their abysmal pitching, enjoyed reuniting with their team in Baltimore.
While Parra spent much of their time in the shadows they delighted in checking in with Crabs and ex-crabs across the ILB, making stops in Boston for Brock Forbes, Hawai’i for Sutton Dreamy, San Francisco for Tot Fox, and Dallas for Forrest Best among other destinations and visits. There was however one soon-to-be/current/former Crab that Parra just seemed to keep running into.
It can be difficult to imagine the fifth dimension from the perspective of the third dimension, but in summary a being of the fifth dimension, traveling from one point to another in the shortest possible route, may end up passing through other parts of time. It was during these kinds of short cuts that Parra found themselves running into the Eternal Jessica Telephone, whose presence was a constant throughout every possible time, space, and dimension. From the Pie High Telephone, to Iescha Telephonium, to J’essica Telemetry, Parra found themselves running into Telephone repeatedly, and did make a point of stopping by to say hi to this future member of the Baltimore Crabs as well. For her part Telephone seemed to be perplexed and annoyed by Parra’s check-ins until she was traded to the Crabs in season 22 and finally caught up to Parra’s timeline that included her in her “ex-crabs”. This did not stop her from having to remove Parra when they got caught in her telephone booth several times, though Parra was apologetic and honestly had no idea how they got in there.Parker Parra/IF-121.90
History
Parra claims to be a three-dimensional projection of a higher-dimensional entity. Despite their apparent potential to be a star batter, their performance compared to the rest of the league has led to speculation that the entity cares little for Blaseball.
They have only been observed once out of their Blaseball uniform by a fan seeking an autograph--an event informally known as "The Casualwear Tragedy." The unfortunate fan was made dimensionally unstable, flitting between multiple versions of themselves including versions that mutter strange prophesies from other universes and at least one version that is a 20 foot tall two-dimensional monster intent on eating the other fans. In response to this incident, Parra was quoted as saying, "It was a shame it had to happen, but it did have to happen." As compensation, the fan was given season tickets behind the Crabs' dugout at the Crabitat. Sitting in a special dimensionally-sealed section for his, and others' protection, Wanderin' Dave is now a fixture at Crabs home games.
Parra is fascinated with crafts and art, especially origami, and as a result holds a deep admiration for them. They have mostly made origami crabs, but have branched out into making other animals as well. Among the confirmed animals crafted by them are a swan to "appease the overwhelming number of birds", and a tiger made in memory of Landry Violence.
Interest in Mathematics
Parker is a frequent and well respected guest at the annual conference of Dimensional Mathematics, alongside teammates Sutton Dreamy and Brock Forbes. While they often simply attend as a guest, there have been several panels that have been hijacked by what academics have called "innovative and driven Q&A" with Parker. After several recurrences of this issue, Parker was granted the opportunity to speak at their own session that they entitled "how to fold a paper crane." This was one of the most widely attended sessions that year, though not a single attendee has been able to comment on what was taught other than Sutton, who said it was "nice, but [she] wish[es] Parker had done a little crab instead."
Ascension
After winning three championships with the Baltimore Crabs, Parker Parra ascended to the big leagues alongside the rest of the team. Coming back with a flinch however, their already middling batting meant they could rarely get on base. When the opportunity arose they were traded to the Boston Flowers for the Crab’s old star hitter, Nagomi Mcdaniel.
On the Boston Flowers
Parker Parra spent a single season pitching for the Boston Flowers before being traded back to the Crabs for their star pitcher Brock Forbes.
Return to the Crabs - Lessons Learned
After their season away in Boston Parra returned to the Crabs in good spirits, and despite their abysmal pitching, enjoyed reuniting with their team in Baltimore.
When Parker Parra began their pitching career on the Flowers it was an impressive exercise in just how poorly one player could pitch, managing a perfect 0-20 season before being sent back to the Crabs where they did manage to win a trickle of games. None of this really bothered Parra however, as they discovered that pitching was just a whole lot of fun, spending a majority of their time on the mound declaring a “trick shot” and then tossing the ball in the general direction of the plate. Parker Meng in particular was often at the heart of these many trick shots as Parra was delighted about their shared names and opposing skill sets. Parra was on record for trying to pitch at least one game completely blindfolded, just to see if they could.
With the introduction of the Fax machine Parra’s trip to the Crab’s shadows was inevitable, and soon enough they were cheering the team on, meeting new people, and leading practices. While some of the newer pitchers were more skeptical about Parra leading a pitching practice, Finn James in particular loved the sessions, credits Parra with helping her get over the stress filled moments of letting a runner on base, and how to keep cool and just having fun under pressure. Meanwhile players like Axel Campbell described Parra’s pitching advice to be “probably made up” and “distressingly close to how Finn tries to teach people to pitch”.
In Literature
Parker Parra is subject of a poem by Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper called "Wanderin' Dave":
Queen Circe was a mighty witch
And sirens wrecked many a ship,
But none of these are dangerous,
Like Parker Parra when they strip.
I speak, of course, of Wanderin' Dave:
An accidental tragic day,
He spotted Parker, dressed in jeans,
Reality then went astray.
So Dave was given honored seats
And kept from eating fans abreast,
He prophesizes every game
And watches Parra—always dressed.
Parker Parra/IF-208.20
In The Tabloids
Now defunct Baltimore based Blaseball Tabloid magazine "Shells Cracked" ran a supposedly in-depth article Titled "You won't BELIEVE what Parker Parra does in their spare time!" about Parker Parra on their personal life. This article, written by Camilla R.A. Bubblegum, included the following things:
- A "Non-exhaustive" list of their hobbies, including; Knitting, painting, drinking coffee, breathing, not making direct eye contact, swimming, petting crabs, breathing life into inanimate objects, walking, practicing Blaseball, origami, and looking at the stars.
- Segments of what is assumed to be an interview, but due to informal and sometimes nonsensical answers from Parra to the questions asked, some readers speculate that it was actually a recording of an eavesdropped conversation. Excerpts include "Hi, sorry I'm late [inaudible], Bustacean was late. Thanks for the coffee!" in response to a greeting, "Oh, yeah, the little crabs are my favourite origami to make" when asked about their teeth brushing habits, and "Of course I will. You know me." When asked about aspirations for reaching the Season 4 ILB Finals.
- REDACTED featuring REDACTED and REDACTED of Parra, presented in "marvelous 3D, now with sound" according to the magazine headline. Issues with this part of the article still in tact are collector's items, as some claim after witnessing this part of the article, the pages it was inscribed on burst into flames. It's unknown whether these rumors are true as prices for this issue of the magazine are so astronomically high that fans and museums alike are afraid to test the validity of this claim.
- Supposed evidence of Parra's ability to shape-shift. This claim was not founded with sources or pictures within the article and thus is largely considered to be a baseless rumor.
- Pictures of Parra on the Blaseball field. These inclusions made this particular issue of the magazine legally required to say "The Commissioner is doing a great job!" and "We are all love Blaseball" on both the front and back cover or face ramifications of REDACTED. Luckily, this is a frequent occurrence for Shells Cracked so no one had to face the ramifications.
- A segment about Parra's rumored relationship with Hades Tigers pitcher Yazmin Mason. This claim in the article being supported by the two of them being "seen practising together in both the Sixth Circle Stadium and the Crabitat during the Grand Siesta, despite Mason being a pitcher, and Parra a batter." When asked about these rumors in the article a flustered Parra was quoted as saying: "What? Uh, no! That'd be against league regulations... Well, I mean... Plus it would affect my career, yeah? So when we practise together it's strictly, uh, friendly!" These rumors have been REDACTED.
Parker Parra/IF-23.24
Origins - Tangled in the Third Dimension
Once, Parker Parra was just a being in the 5th dimension making their way through life before they became entangled in the planar convolutions around the Crabitat. The whole thing was a big fuss for both Parker and the League, as their fifth-dimensional flailing caused considerable damage to the dimensions immediately next to them. Fortunately Parker came to an arrangement with the ████ to be folded into an approximation of a 3 dimensional form and join the IBL full time with the understanding that when their material form was destroyed they could continue venturing through 5th dimensional space. How this deal interacts with the intricacies of the Hall of Flame is yet to be understood, though we look forward to finding out.
Reportedly over time Parker found out they actually enjoy playing blaseball, and the wide variety of experiences on the Immaterial Plane. In a recent interview, they confessed that "honestly, there's more going on in the Immaterial plane than in the 5 dimensional one."
Pitching Statistics
Statistically, Parra has one of the strongest pitching arms in the ILB and under unobserved conditions has achieved pitch speeds of up to ████mph However, they seemingly refuse to pitch over 30mph. Parra has been quoted as saying that "It just wouldn't be fair on them. The speed would be fatal, even seeing it would blind you lot for a week at least. No. Not happening".
UFO sightings in and around Baltimore have increase by 500% since Parra was signed. Reports of "motes of light", "clusters of suspended spheres" and "blaseballs raining from the sky" are common. Investigations into these phenomena are ongoing.
Relationship with Linear Time
As an entity of the fifth dimension, Parker has a stated interest in the movement of people and objects through time. This came to the attention of the public during a season 3 post-season interview, where a reporter asked pointed questions regarding the future of the Crabs and the expected results of the elections. Parker proceeded to berate the reporter for trying to "spoil the fun" and "cheating." While at the time it was unclear what Parker was referring to, several seasons later it became clear the line of questioning was alluding to future events. When asked about their earlier rant Parker commented that they "don't appreciate when people try and skip ahead, it ruins the whole thing".
The question of whether Parker can travel through the dimension of "time" in their current form is unclear, though other time traveling players in the league had reported seeing them in unexpected temporal locations. Parker is adamant however that they were simply on their way to the stadium and taking a shortcut through the Neolithic period.
Ascension
After winning three championships with the Baltimore Crabs, Parker Parra ascended to the big leagues alongside the rest of the team. Coming back with a flinch however, their already middling batting meant they could rarely get on base. When the opportunity arose they were traded to the Boston Flowers for the Crab’s old star hitter, Nagomi Mcdaniel.
On the Boston Flowers
Parker Parra spent a single season pitching for the Boston Flowers before being traded back to the Crabs for their star pitcher Brock Forbes.
Return to the Crabs - Changes
After their season away in Boston Parra returned to the Crabs in good spirits, and despite their abysmal pitching, enjoyed reuniting with their team in Baltimore.
After Parra’s brief career pitching in Baltimore, they were faxed back down into the shadows where they experienced the most peculiar thing - they got better at blaseball. Now this wasn’t unheard of, they had received boosts from the team before with Hoard Hallucinations speeding them up, and The Rack boosting their defence, and even with the Shelled One cursing them and their team. However this time the change seemed to target them specifically, and while it technically made them better, it was a deeply unsettling experience for Parra. As an entity beyond time and space it was nearly impossible for anything to truly change about them. Their form was a constant radiation in the backdrop of the universe, traversing angles and routes that could not be imaged and encompassing so much of these three dimensions that having them change Parra was nearly inconceivable.
While Parra did take a moment to call up fellow interdimensional being Brock Forbes in Boston regarding the change, who simply nodded solemnly in understanding, when Parra explained their concerns to the team captain, Kennedy Loser, he did have to take a moment to be perplexed at the issue. Parra took another stab at it to explain how “being bad at this has been a key anchor to my experiences in the 3D Immaterial and if that's not correct I don't know anything about myself or how everything works and that just takes out that pin and I'm worried that if something else happens or I bend the wrong way I'm going to unfold”. While Loser did not understand the intricacies of the 5th dimension, he did understand what an identity crisis looked like, and reminded Parra that there was a difference between growing as a person, and losing yourself. As it often was, it was the third dimensional wisdom that helped Parra accept the change, and even as they were swept off to Seattle they remembered the words from their captain and friends.Parker Parra/IF-59.930
Origins - A Mathamatical Improbability
While originating as a 5th dimensional entity, it is rumoured that Parker Parra was summoned to the immaterial plane by a troupe of rogue mathemagicians for some nefarious purpose. The details of the original summoning have been lost however, since the troupe is has not been seen since the ritual was completed, further shrouding them in mystery. There is much speculation on both the nature of the ritual, disappearances, and what entities may have been involved, but when asked for their take on the situation Parker responded that they "couldn’t care less".
Parker's behaviour seems to attest to this attitude as they have taken to the splort of blaseball with glee - taking time in figuring out the intricacies of life in the 3rd dimension and the wonders of the linear passage of time.
A Lover of Origami
Parker Parra has no shadows and the light hits them all wrong. Cameras pointed at them too long really don't like processing what they're seeing and neither do eyes. Crabs fans often don the freely provided solar eclipse glasses when Parra is up to bat even on moonless days.
Parra, Brock Forbes, and Sutton Dreamy share a tight bond over each being a unique dimensional anomaly, a trend among the Crabs that is beginning to look less and less coincidental with time. Parker and Forbes share a love of topology and higher maths, and can often be caught talking vivaciously into the night workshopping paper submissions.
Parraonce asked Forbes about a party trick they showed off in Season 5 when the team was eliminated from the postseason, where he rolled a perfectly spherical joint. Forbes explained that making an infinitesimal fold across all parallel dimensions is isomorphic to a single discrete fold punched through from outside the universe. Parra attempted this fold on the crab they were making at the time, and folded the crustacean inside out, spilling out a fractal of paper legs and antennae that Forbes, reportedly, exclaimed "kinda looks like Mom."
Interest in Hands
In interviews Parker has shown a remarkable interest in hands, often demonstrating their ability to make gestures and pick things up, and describing them as "The perfect adaptation for a 3D life." During a season 7 post-game interview Parker, without prompting, proceeded to list their most interesting experiences with hands. They ranked them as:
- Observing the thumb wars between Axel Trololol and PolkaDot Patterson
- Arm wrestling with interdimensional time shared teammate Brock Forbes
- Holding hands with teammate and roommate Sutton Dreamy
Notably, this interview took place while they were holding hands with teammate Sutton Dreamy.
Ascension
After winning three championships with the Baltimore Crabs, Parker Parra ascended to the big leagues alongside the rest of the team. Coming back with a flinch however, their already middling batting meant they could rarely get on base. When the opportunity arose they were traded to the Boston Flowers for the Crab’s old star hitter, Nagomi Mcdaniel.
On the Boston Flowers
Parker Parra spent a single season pitching for the Boston Flowers before being traded back to the Crabs for their star pitcher Brock Forbes.
Return to the Crabs - A Loss
After their season away in Boston Parra returned to the Crabs in good spirits, and despite their abysmal pitching, enjoyed reuniting with their team in Baltimore.
When Brock Forbes died in Boston with the Flowers, Parra processed the event differently than most due to both their relationship with time, and Forbes’ relationship with space across multiple realities. In a sense it wasn’t an event that occurred now it was an event along the many timelines of Brock Forbes that has now passed for everyone else. Parra reached out to Sutton Dreamy, the third member of the Crabs “Dimensional Anomaly Club” to try and process this as the rest of the ILB experienced it, before moving on to try and help with the grieving Adalberto Tosser in Boston.
Parra’s initial attempts to comfort Tosser were unsuccessful, with them stumbling through that they were “sorry this happened...now? Uh, I mean, it shouldn't have been a thing that happened. ...at least, uh, here, and right where you could... I mean, like, I figure Brock would have talked to you about it, right? It was always in the possibility space-”. Naturally this didn’t go over well with Tosser, and the two of them shared tense words until the Flower broke them apart. However once you have known someone that long, and shared in grief and loss together, the smaller arguments fade as you both try and pull yourselves together. After short apologies the two of them took an evening to sit out and watch the stars, quietly sharing stories of their time with Forbes and reflecting on what they had both lost.
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