Official League Records
On Season β10, Day X, Parra gained the Flinch modification after the Crabs lost to THE SHELLED ONE'S PODS. Due to the Crabs' Ascension, Parra was absent from the ILB from the Season β10 elections until the Descension.
On Season β24, Day 4, Parra joined the Garages' lineup in exchange for Abner Pothos at The Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility via the Ratified Voicemail.
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.
Box of Parker Parra Files
- Dust billows as the file box lands on the table. While many archives in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill are unified in some way, this... definitely isn’t one of them. The accompanying Rumor Registry explains all of the contents... wherever it is... but for now you grab the folder labelled IF-11.551 and start reading...
Like many 5th dimensional entities projected into the 3rd dimension, Parker can be a bit of an eccentric. They have trouble wrapping their head around a lot of concepts very rooted in three dimensions, like twist tops on jars and bottles, that weird thing the Jazz Hands do with their fingers, the concept of wind, and lava lamps. They love experiencing new things on the plane, things others might find mundane, and have an infectious enthusiasm for life. Being 'time agnostic' doesn't grant them any precognition that we know of, it tends to just mean that the first time they learn how to open an unlocked door is 'somewhere in the middle,' and they'll simply appear to forget how to do it for the moment.
They love people, and the things they create, but some media seems lost on them. While they can read, decoding the squiggles on the page bores them, and even if they can sorta get what's trying to be conveyed over a screen, it's just a plane of light. Music is more to their liking, though their tastes are decades ahead of our own. They were half of the cult experimental hypoindustrial band Shopping List! Mustard, Frozen Peas,
Tomatoes, Panko with Adalberto Tosser, and released a total of one EP and two singles before breaking up over artistic similarities. They have been a consistent groupie for Tosser's other musical projects since. Parra is also a lover of performance art, often moved to tears over the storytelling power of dance, live shows, and teppanyaki restaurants. They consider themselves a thespian, particularly of classical drama, though their idea of 'the joy of theater' (said as pompously as you can imagine) involves tickets to Jlerry Springer, JUDGE SINS, and sitcoms filmed in front of a live studio audience.
The Weird Things We Do With Our Hands
Noted tabloid Cupid's Aro, infamous for sensationalized news about celebrities not being in relationships, released a piece about Parker prior to their ILB debut, detailing the mysterious Crab's lack of personal affairs. According to the senior investigator-blogger, from a 'trusted' source who hadn't yet learned to keep his mouth shut, Parker Parra and Sutton Dreamy were extremely close from the moment they first met; after a mutual discussion about partnership, their relationship lasted all of ██ minutes before realizing that, verbatim, "yeah no this ain't it." The two of them remain the dearest of friends to this day, Parra happily embracing aromanticism, and Dreamy eventually finding partnerships elsewhere.
From the moment they returned from Up, Parra apparently spent the Crabs' sabbatical lateseason out in Hawai'i, in the company of their closest companion. They had a lot to catch up on.
After winning three championships with the Baltimore Crabs, Parker Parra ascended to the big leagues alongside the rest of the team. Coming back with a flinch however, their already middling batting meant they could rarely get on base. When the opportunity arose they were traded to the Boston Flowers for the Crab’s old star hitter, Nagomi Mcdaniel.
On the Boston Flowers
Parker Parra spent a single season pitching for the Boston Flowers before being traded back to the Crabs for their star pitcher Brock Forbes.
Return to the Crabs - Time for Crab
After their season away in Boston Parra returned to the Crabs in good spirits, and despite their abysmal pitching, enjoyed reuniting with their team in Baltimore.
While Parra spent much of their time in the shadows they delighted in checking in with Crabs and ex-crabs across the ILB, making stops in Boston for Brock Forbes, Hawai’i for Sutton Dreamy, San Francisco for Tot Fox, and Dallas for Forrest Best among other destinations and visits. There was however one soon-to-be/current/former Crab that Parra just seemed to keep running into.
It can be difficult to imagine the fifth dimension from the perspective of the third dimension, but in summary a being of the fifth dimension, traveling from one point to another in the shortest possible route, may end up passing through other parts of time. It was during these kinds of short cuts that Parra found themselves running into the Eternal Jessica Telephone, whose presence was a constant throughout every possible time, space, and dimension. From the Pie High Telephone, to Iescha Telephonium, to J’essica Telemetry, Parra found themselves running into Telephone repeatedly, and did make a point of stopping by to say hi to this future member of the Baltimore Crabs as well. For her part Telephone seemed to be perplexed and annoyed by Parra’s check-ins until she was traded to the Crabs in season 22 and finally caught up to Parra’s timeline that included her in her “ex-crabs”. This did not stop her from having to remove Parra when they got caught in her telephone booth several times, though Parra was apologetic and honestly had no idea how they got in there.
Parker Parra features in the following fics:
Art by @glassgoblin
Art by @EmBCrabby
Art of Parker Parra by @Waalkr
Parker Parra in Season 9, by @_pixeI_
Parker on their brief trip elsewhere by @winterhazelly
Parker Parra as a shadow of their 5-dimensional form, by @DenisMoskowitz
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