Thomas Kirby

Thomas Kirby
Kirby, as he looked as he entered into Chicago for the first time. The Steak energy radiating in his heart and the fire of Chicago glowing in his eye.
Basic Information
Team	Chicago Firefighters
Former Team(s)	Dallas Steaks
Status	Incinerated
Batting
Pitching
Defense
Running
Dates Active	Jul 30–Oct 11, 2020
External Links	Blaseball-Reference Player Changes Player Page
Personal Information
Item	None
Armor	None
Evolution	Base
Pregame Ritual	Getting taped up
Coffee Style	Flat White
Blood Type	Grass
Fate	89
Soulscream	HHEIEHHEIEHIOAIIIOAIIIAEAOAAEAOAAAAAIIAAAIIAIUAAOIUAAOIUIIEAUIIEAUEEAEEEEAEEE

Thomas Kirby was a lineup player for the Chicago Firefighters until their incineration in the Season 9 elections by the Dead Weight blessing. Kirby joined the Firefighters due to Feedback, having swapped teams with Paula Mason on Season 4, Day 4. Kirby had been with Steaks since Season 2, Day 72, when they replaced Zi Delacruz due to Incineration.

Official League Records

As a result of the Katamari blessing won by the Firefighters in the Season 5 election, Kirby's defense rating increased by .

On Season 8, Day 55, Kirby swallowed a stray peanut and suffered an allergic reaction. This decreased his batting and baserunning by and his pitching and defense by .

Incineration

At the end of Season 9, Kirby was incinerated by a rogue umpire when the Firefighters won the Dead Weight blessing, which incinerated their worst player (Kirby) and replaced them with Socks Maybe.

Biography

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Physical Attributes

While many of his team and league mates can boast exotic names and mystical/mythological origins, Thomas "Tom" Kirby is a perfectly fine if slightly pedestrian cishet white male.

Thomas Kirby is 5'9" in height, and his weight is self-reported as "having maybe gotten a little soft around the middle, but that's not unusual when you start getting a little older and slow down a bit".

His appearance has been described as looking "very familiar", "almost exactly like someone [you] went to school with", and "sort of like that guy from a movie a few years back".

Kind of like if Boruto's dad was Boruto? Like imagine an old, kinda schlubby Boruto. But not quite? We love him anyway

Personal Life

Unlike former teammate Sebastian Telephone, who was spawned fully-formed from a payphone, Kirby was born from an unremarkable pregnancy between Jeffrey "Jeff" Kirby and Judtih "Judy" Kirby. Judy described the conception and pregnancy as "average."

Kirby drives a midsize pickup truck. In interviews, he describes it as "just enough to get the job done". He is always happy to help a teammate move to a new residence or transport a piece of bulky furniture home.

Kirby and his family live in a 3 bedroom, 2.5 bath ranch-style home in Chicago, where he has always been from. He and his wife Amanda have one son and one daughter. The family has one dog, a retriever mix, and one cat, a shorthair.

Professional Life

Kirby eschews any sort of value judgments or criticisms of his more extraordinary league mates. He treats all Blaseball players, friend or foe, with a polite respect. He does admit, however, that he can't help but respect and appreciate a good, firm handshake. He has gone to seven Phish concerts in his lifetime. This was a business expense.

Whatever a teammate's race, orientation, identity, or creed... Kirby's only demand is that they make sure to set their retirement account contributions to ensure employer matching is maxed out. It isn't a matter of judgment, just a matter of prudence.

Kirby received a mixed welcome upon his transfer to the Chicago Firefighters. Some Firefighters were glad to meet him, others missed Paula Mason and wished to trade him back. After hitting a three-run home run in the Season 4 post-season match with the Millennials (the only runs the Firefighters would achieve in that match), however, Kirby became a fan favorite.

Quotes

"You can just call me Tom." — Thomas Kirby

"I will never believe it" — Thomas Kirby

Trivia

• Kirby owns (and exclusively wears) 4 different pairs of khaki slacks
• Kirby uses 2-in-1 shampoo + conditioner
• Kirby's favorite food is Pot Roast, though he does occasionally enjoy Mexican food "as long as it isn't too spicy".
• Kirby's favorite film is "The Shawshank Redemption"
• Kirby's favorite salad dressing is ranch
• Kirby likes to vacation in Orlando
• Kirby maintains a robust collection of both power and manual hand tools. He will be happy to keep loaning them to you as needed, unless you do something to demonstrate you can't handle them responsibly and safely.
• Like all of us, Kirby is from Chicago. His jersey number is 872.

Fan Reaction

Thomas "Tom" Kirby is terribly missed by his old team and fans from his time with the Dallas Steaks.

Fan Art

• 

  by @_waalkr

• 

  Maybe Matt Doyle

• 

  Mini-Blaseballer by @HetreaSky

[[Category:Incinerated Players