Math Velazquez

Math Velazquez
Basic Information
Team	Houston Spies
Status	Alive
Batting	★★★
Pitching	⠀
Defense	★★½
Running	(bugged)
Modifications	AlternateThis Player is an Alternate... Player is replaced with an alternate reality version, stats are randomized.
Personal Information
Item	None
Armor	None
Evolution	Base
Pregame Ritual	Hallucinations
Coffee Style	Plenty of Sugar
Blood Type	Fire
Fate	82
Soulscream	IUEIAIUEIAIEHAEAEHAEAEIEAIHIEAIHIAEAOUAEAOUAEIAAIEIAAIEOOIHUOOIHUOOHAIIOHAIIOIIAIEIIAIEI
Biographical Details
Pronouns	N/A

Math Velazquez is a pitcher for the Houston Spies, and has been part of the team since Season 1.

Official League Records

As of the end of Season 3, Velazquez is one of 5 players in Internet League Blaseball to have a 0-star rating, with the others being Lars Taylor of the Hellmouth Sunbeams, Chambers Simmons of the Boston Flowers, Gunther O'Brian of the Charleston Shoe Thieves, and Wyatt Glover of the Unlimited Tacos. All of them are pitchers.

History

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Math Velazquez became one of the first non-human entities to play blaseball when Math began career pitching for the Houston Spies in season 1.

Math's origin, like so much relating to the Houston Spies, is ultimately a mystery, but the two prevailing hypotheses hold that Math is either a metaphysical construct created by a cabal of mathematicians for some unknown purpose, or a normal human forced into this present form after a disastrous attempt to divide by zero.

It has been postulated by devoted Spies fans that Math currently plays blaseball since Math's previous outreach effort to convince the general public to appreciate the mathematical discipline, coolmathgames.com, was removed from the Internet - or possibly since blaseball's geometric fields, many statistics, and parabolic curves appeal to Math's sensibilities.

This conjecture as to Math's true motives is necessary since, according to intel from an indeterminate inside source, no one on the Houston Spies is good enough at math to decipher what Math wants to say. Unfortunately, this means that in order to communicate, Math usually has to individually graph each word that they want to say on a TI-84 calculator, a process that is laborious at best.

This linguistic (?) barrier is likely the reason why the Spies have a problem with optimizing their team lineup; after asking Math about the subject in hopes of finding a mathematically perfect optimization, the output was so confusing that players were rumored to resort to measures such as charades and the 'hot and cold' game to find a lineup they could actually use.

After this incident, the Spies decided to put Math's talents at obfuscation to use, assigning Math to run the Hungarian numbers station that serves as the team's official form of communication.

Math does not accept the usage of any pronoun to refer to Math. When asked why this was, Math returned a paper with "${\textstyle p=0.05}$" on it.

Stars

Season 3 Math Velazquez blaseball card.

Math Velazquez is known to have consulted with several eminent mathematicians in the hopes of developing an experimental algorithm which would allow Math to become the first blaseball player with a negative star rating. It is unknown how Math intends to achieve this, why Math considers this outcome desirable, and what impact it would have on blaseball as a whole. They are likely correct in this conjecture, as Math appears as patterns in everything, and it is therefore, for all practical purposes, omniscient.

Math has published academic papers theorising that achieving negative values is a first step towards opening blaseball up to ever more esoteric branches of mathematics - irrational numbers, complex numbers, and perhaps even beyond that into geometry, algebra, polyhedrons and more. Again, it is unknown why Math considers this outcome desirable, and opposing scholars have warned that success in this project could critically destabilise blaseball.

Math has been spotted spending a lot of time with recent Spies acquisition Fitzgerald Blackburn. When pressed, Math said that as Fitzgerald is a doctor in all the ways that count, xe is helping Math achieve a negative star rating, and the relationship between the two is nobody's business.

Math has also been observed trying to convince everyone's son, Son Scotch, to enter a stable and profitable career in mathematics.

Alternate Reality/"New Math" Velazquez

After the decree 'Alternate Reality' was ratified at the end of Season 4, Spies fans were shocked and dismayed to discover that Math had been replaced. In collaboration with teammates Blackburn and Melon, Math, speculatively voluntarily, was subject to to a shift in dimensions, believing that this would be the "ultimate and final answer, the delta [Math] had been searching for" for achieving the fabled negative star rating. However, when Math departed, a New Math took Math's place; and after the ILB's mandatory ratings committee meeting, Math was granted an improvement in stars in every area. The rest of the Houston Spies were, by their reports, crushed by this news, lamenting the dreams of the Math they once knew. New Math's pitches, though faster, became uncharacteristically predictable. But when New Math used their metre stick, or twirled oversized pens, or performed investigations with The Spies' iconic bat-sized magnifying glasses, they were handled with "near unimaginable" grace. Math had become a 4-star batter, and was training every day to become stronger. However, blaseball theorists have concluded that Math, being Math, exists as a singular continuous entity through all parallel universes operating off of mathematical laws, leading some fans as well as players such as Fitzgerald Blackburn to conclude that "Math is Math." When asked about the change, New Math simply stated (after rigorous translation efforts), "Let's just say I picked up a few stars from a passing friend," with what could be vaguely described as a wink. Math Velazquez, in a post-game interview on Day 7 of Season 4, was recorded saying, "My new dream? Entering the binary domain. The big 1-0. Double digits," and subsequently soulscreamed into the reporter's microphone. To New Math's disappointment, the Spies are extremely reticent to change the lineup initially suggested by Old Math, with some players paranoid about infiltration by a double agent. New Math has not yet made an official statement regarding what precisely happened when making the dimension swap with Old Math, but an anonymous investigative journalist for The Blaseball Chimes released a short - albeit dramatised - article; the first of its kind that The Spies had ever allowed to be published: Math had stated that they had been feeling strange throughout the fourth season. Most of The Spies chocked this up to their overall wins declining; an imbalance in the numbers, some had said. But something wasn't adding up. Math had pitched against the odds in the past, but this season, it was like the percentages had been flipped on their heads. Math pushed Mathself in every game despite their clear discomfort. Math was spending more time with Son playing catch, and even gifted Son their gold-plated protractor; the same one Math had used the past 3+ seasons to predict opposing hits and calculate their own precise, baffling pitches. Blackburn was given Math's TI-84, the most expensive piece of computing technology they could think of. Melon was pulled aside and spoken to, but as of yet has not commented on what Math told them. Donia Bailey was given a hug; the first she claims she's ever received.

After The Spies were put into party time, Math was nowhere to be found except during games. While festivities were held, Math was alone. Surprisingly, new Spies member Morrow was the first to comment that "something wasn't adding up" with Math, but was generally shot down with phrases from the team such as, "Math is Math," and "The numbers don't lie."

Then, the postseason came, and the Tigers won the fourth season, and Math had reportedly been heard saying "I just wish the Talkers had accounted for the wind in the 11th." Math's vibes were stable, but the numbers on their face were looking more and more imaginary. Until finally, as all the ILB teams gathered to view the blessing and decree results, Math refused to join them. Instead, Math simply said the words, "I'll see you all again. You can count on it." The Spies all knew what was coming, and instead of viewing the results, stayed and sat with Math for their final hour. It all happened very quickly, according to eyewitness reports. There was a loud crunching sound, followed by a low hum and pop - and where Math stood, no two reports are the same on what took place.

Outside of one detail.

When New Math appeared, in their pitching hand, everyone claims to have seen a faint glimmer.

The glimmer of a star - a star that nobody even knew was there. "Math was always a variable - but Math's love for the Spies was, and always will be, a constant."