Theodore Cervantes

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Theodore Cervantes is a pitcher for the New York Millennials, and has been with the team since Season 1.

Official League Records

Cervantes joined the ILB as a pitcher for the New York Millennials with the Return of Blaseball.

Cervantes was originally rated at , but after the end of Season 2 was affected by the Soul Swap blessing and became a player.

Following the Season 9 election, Cervantes received the Siphon modification due to the passing of the Forecast: Blooddrain decree.

During the Coffee Cup, Cervantes played for Inter Xpresso as a pitcher. Cervantes received the Perk modification after the tournament due to being a member of the winning team.

During Season 15, Cervantes was attacked by Consumers once.

During Season 16, Cervantes was attacked by Consumers once.

On Season 19, Day 31, Cervantes retreated to the Millennials' Shadows in exchange for Conrad Vaughan as a result of New York, New York Arena, Arena's Fax Machine, becoming a lineup player in the process.

On Season 21, Day 13, Cervantes rejoined the Millennials' pitching rotation in exchange for Conrad Vaughan as a result of New York, New York Arena, Arena's Fax Machine.

On Season 22, Day 12, Cervantes retreated to the Millennials' Shadows in exchange for Anathema Elemefayo via New York, New York Arena, Arena's Fax Machine. On Day 13, Cervantes rejoined the Millennials' pitching rotation in exchange for Pitching Machine as a result of New York, New York Arena, Arena's Fax Machine.


COMMUNITY LORE

The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Life Before Soul Swap

Cervantes is known for its Windmill Pitches. Cervantes's pitching quality declined over Season 2 and some fans believe its exercise routine is to blame. They claim that it is "completely muscle muscle bound" and "a 250-pound meat wall." In an interview at the end of the second regular season, Cervantes responded to these rumors, saying, “I am a 300-pound meat canvas and Blaseball is my brush."

Twitter "Beefs"

Cervantes claimed that it joined Twitter in XX11 due to "peer pressure," and controversy soon followed when it openly mocked "becs".

The original tweet was first "clowned on" by New York City teens and went viral later when Desus Lice retweeted it along with a string of emojis followed by #bodegahive. Cervantes then blocked Lice and tried to move on from the controversy, but continued to tweet out its hot food-based takes.

In the subsequent years it has been engaged in spats with centrists, the official account of the Metropolitan Transit Authority, a Village Voice writer, the entire province of New Brunswick, and fans of indie rock band The Strokes.

Most recently it has been fighting with an undisclosed airline to recover lost luggage.

Life After Soul Swap

The Soul Swap caused a significant change to Cervantes's personality. It now only responds to It/Its pronouns, and seems to have an almost single minded obsession with pitching. In unrelated news, one of the pitching machines the Millennials' batters used for practice started emitting a high-pitched screech at all times, resulting in it being sold to a collector. Cervantes has since taken its position. Teammates report stopping by the training facility at odd hours to pick up forgotten items and seeing Cervantes standing eagerly where the pitching machine once was.

Cervantes's exercise regime seems to have recently changed as of Season 3 as well, focusing less on raw power and more on flexibility. While it was previously known for windmill pitches, that has become almost literal, with Cervantes's arm becoming a whirring propeller of force before a pitch. Millennials pitcher Felix Garbage revealed in an interview that Cervantes has been working on having the same amount of power in its non-dominant arm so it can "act like it's pitching with two hands at the same time, but then it fakes the batter out, and it's only one ball. You know, I asked Ted how it came up with that and it laughed—tried to laugh. It ignored my question and said it would be really funny. Oh, and then it shed a tear." Cervantes so far hasn't responded (to anything whatsoever).

Fishery Work

Since the Soul Swap, Cervantes seems to have abandoned its writing career. When questioned on this in a post-game interview, it simply replied "WRITING IS A DISTRACTION FROM ACCELERATING THINGS TO TERMINAL VELOCITY". To help fulfill the requirements of having a Side Hustle after seemingly abandoning the previous one, fellow Millennials pitcher Patty Fox helped guide Cervantes into spearfishing, a task that makes good use of its new talents.

The dishes made from the fish it catches are apparently quite tasty and are regularly served at Fox's restaurant, The Sly Fox, even if they do have to be eaten with a spoon due to Cervantes's fearsome right arm and lovable over-zealousness.

Voice

Cervantes's voice has been the subject of much scientific testing of late, as one eagle-eared fan remarked at a pregame interview that its voice seems to appear in their head before Cervantes's lips even move. It is possible that Cervantes's pitching abilities extend also to its power of speech.

When teammates are asked to describe Cervantes's voice, each player describes something completely different from the rest. Winnie Mccall said Cervantes "sounds like my 7th grade English teacher." Bates Bentley said it sounds "exactly like MF DOOM. I couldn't tell them apart if I tried." Thomas Dracaena said, "Ted's singing voice is incredible. I'm not typically one for music but Teddy just never stops singing. It sounds kinda like Dolly Parton mixed with a dementor from Harry Potter." Penelope Mathews said "I thought it was mute." Ren Hunter pretended to not hear the question and Nandy Fantastic cried.

Rumors

  • Rumors that Cervantes has been undergoing experimental cyborgisation procedures are unfounded.
  • Rumors claim that Cervantes is the great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of Miguel de Cervantes, writer of Don Quixote. In a 673-pages long letter called Fortunes and Misfortunes of a Pitcher: The Life and Debts of Theodore Cervantes -or- The Great Story of My Life as a Blaseball Player, Cervantes denied his kinship with the Spanish writer. It claims that it is a better pitcher than Miguel de Cervantes was ever a writer.

Fan Works