Baltimore Crabs

The Baltimore Crabs are a Blaseball team in the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League. They have been a part of Internet League Blaseball since Season 1. Their home stadium is the Crabitat, located on the carapace of a titanic crab of unknown origin known only as The Crabaclysm.

After the undesirable results of the Season 2 election, in which star pitcher PolkaDot Patterson was stolen by the Canada Moist Talkers and the Blaseball Gods ignored the fans' pleas for blessings, the Crabs fans and players have vowed to "turn [their] resentment for the indifferent Blaseball Gods, as well as [their] bitterness and spite, into fuel for the Great Crab Reckoning." It is as of yet unknown what the Great Crab Reckoning entails, but it is theorized to have something to do with the process of carcinization, and the belief that given enough time and evolution, all teams in the league will evolve into identical copies of the Crabs.

Players

Rotating Players

Former Players

Incinerated

Nora Perez

Transferred

Winnie Hess (To the Kansas City Breath Mints, end of Season 1)
PolkaDot Patterson (To the Canada Moist Talkers, end of Season 2)

Allegiances

None. The Crabs have declared war on the laws of god and man and blaseball.

Former Allegiances

Dallas Steaks, aka the Surf N Turf

Other Information

A novelty oversized foam crab claw, dubbed by fans as "The Big Claw," often hoisted in the stands at Crabs games

Theme Songs

Noise Storm - Crab Rave

Ween - Ocean Man

The Mountain Goats - Heretic Pride

Claws Up

Fans

The Crabs have a reputation as a hardy bunch. Crabs fans are often seen cheering for draws into extra time. Some suggest they believe this will accelerate the Great Crab Reckoning, others have suggested they merely appreciate a few extra innings. New fans of the Crabs are sometimes referred to as "crablet" or "softshell". Crabs fans refer to players of their team who don't pan out as "Bustaceans". The Crabs fans, though tough and "snip-throat" in competition, are among the most supportive and inclusive teams in the league.

Common Chants

Claws up!
Claws up for Trans Rights!
Let's go Crabs baby love da Crabs
Hard Times, Hard Shells
Call: Old! Response: Bay!
"Ain't no laws when you have claws" and its popular variant, "Claw's the law"

ACRAB (All Crabs Really Are Beautiful)

Holden Please! (Showing contempt for Holden Stanton)
Best is Best! (Showing support for Forrest Best)
Call: Ollie Ollie Ollie! Response: Snip snip snip! (showing support for Oliver Notarobot)
We are not from Chicago!
Call: Never Look Back! Response: We Do Not Have Necks!
Incinerate! Carcinizate! (when incineration occurs)

Poet Laureate

The Crabs are to date the only Blaseball team with a poet Laureate, Runolfio Peeper. Peeper is most famous for his tribute to incinerated player Nora Perez.

Mascot

The Crabs' mascot (crabscot) is a crab named Crab Scott. They wield a knife in one claw and a cigarette in the other. They do not fear death, and harbor endless rage and vengeance against the blaseball Gods. They were originally a pet of PolkaDot Patterson, who in answer to how they came to acquire Scott as a pet simply said “They just kinda showed up one day.” Since Patterson’s defection at the end of Season 2, Crab Scott has since become the pet of replacement pitcher Oliver Notarobot.

The Olde One

Relevancy to the League

The Baltimore Crabs were founded in 1352 as a sign of worship for The Olde One (also known as The MotherCrab, Mr Trash Wheel, The Deep One, They Who Lay In Slumber Under The Oldest Bay, The Indomitable Snip, She of the Eternal Shuffle, He of the Omniscent Ommatophores, “That There Big Crab”, Our Lady of the Impenecrable Shell, Ny'el'g'shuth Sh'ai'c'll'll'claroth, and Big Debrah) to await the day of its reawakening. The Olde One lays dormant in the Baltimore harbor, covered in a thick layer of "silt, sewage, and ‘Baltimore Pride.’” The Big Crab has the capacity to bless the players of the Baltimore Crabs, and is rumored to be the one responsible for PolkaDot Patterson's unusual 87 fingers. Members of the Baltimore Crabs are known to worship The MotherCrab as opposed to the gods of Blaseball. This unusual conviction was later ratified by The Commissioner after the happenings of the Blaseball-Glolf Clonflict, as recompense for The MotherCrab's aid as well as its silence. The Big Crab is fed by the resonant psychic energy and peanuts produced by the game of Blaseball.

Early Life

The first adage decreed by The Olde One "When the land is reclaimed by the sea, the crab nation will rise from the depths." after which it quickly retreated into an everlasting slumber.

Controversy

Some sources claim that PolkaDot Patterson is, rather than a blaseball player blessed by The Big Crab, a reincarnation of Mr. Trash Wheel itself, but official experts on Carcinianity dispute this claim, citing various religious texts. One of the most commonly used quotes is: "They Who Lay In Slumber Under The Oldest Bay shan't be killed, as such would mean they have lived." -Crabitalism, Georg 3: 11-17, Horx Myxln.
- This doctrine has lost even more support due to PolkaDot Patterson's defection to the Canada Moist Talkers at the beginning of Season 3, however stout believers maintain that Patterson is still an incarnation of Big Debrah, and that this is the beginning of the grand carcinization.

While it is commonly accepted that Ny'el'g'shuth Sh'ai'c'll'll'claroth lays dormant in Baltimore harbor, other interpretations of sacred texts might suggest Lake Ontario, Niagara Falls, the Hang Son Doon cave system, or even Marineland Location 237-1 found in London England to be their resting site.
Due to many striking similarities, it is commonly accepted that Debra Barlone from the hit series Everyone Loves Raylmond is directly inspired by Big Debrah. This, however, has been staunchly denied by Phlilip Rosenthlal, citing in an interview that he "simply loves [...] my wife [...] and didn't mean any connection that there may be".

Season Results


Season	Wins	Losses	Notable Events
1	TBC	TBC
2 - 'The Discipline Era'	49	50	First team to reach a 20-inning game, versus the Jazz Hands.
3	TBC	TBC

Fan Art

Badge by @heycatfish_