Holden Stanton

From Blaseball Wiki

Holden Stanton is a lineup player for the Dallas Steaks, and has been with the team since the Season 13 elections. Stanton has played for the Baltimore Crabs and the Breckenridge Jazz Hands.

Official League Records

Stanton joined the league as a batter for the Baltimore Crabs on Season 2, Day 25, after the incineration of Nora Perez.

Stanton played for the Jazz Hands during Season 4 and Season 5, after the Baltimore Crabs won the Headhunter blessing and exchanged Stanton for Nagomi Mcdaniel. Stanton then played for the Crabs during Season 6, after the Breckenridge Jazz Hands won the Seduction blessing and exchanged Stanton for Nagomi Mcdaniel. During the Season 6 offseason, Stanton received the Shrink Ray blessing, which increased Stanton's baserunning stats by one star and granted Stanton the Shrink Ray item, immediately before being traded back to the Jazz Hands as a result of the Headhunter blessing.

On Season 8, Day 68, Holden siphoned some of Baltimore Crabs pitcher Adalberto Tosser's hitting ability in a game with Blooddrain weather, bringing it from a to .

During the Coffee Cup, Stanton played for Inter Xpresso as a lineup player. Stanton received the Perk modification after the tournament due to being a member of the winning team.

On Season 13, Day 64, Stanton became a pitcher due to Reverb. Stanton was traded to the Dallas Steaks in exchange for August Sky during the Season 13 elections via the Jazz Hands' Exchange will.

On Season 22, Day 30, Stanton retreated to the Steaks' Shadows in exchange for Barry Burkhard at George Fourman Stadium via the Ratified Voicemail. On Day 80, Stanton rejoined the Steaks' lineup in exchange for Burkhard at George Fourman Stadium via the Ratified Voicemail. On Day 83, Stanton again retreated to the Steaks' Shadows in exchange for Burkhard at George Fourman Stadium via the Ratified Voicemail. On Day 94, Stanton again rejoined the Steaks' lineup in exchange for Burkhard at George Fourman Stadium via the Ratified Voicemail

COMMUNITY REPORTS
The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Early Life

Stanton was born on the side of the 417 Highway in Ontario between Toronto and Ottawa. During labour, Stanton's progenitor was brought to an abandoned farmstead which they would later buy, renovate, and reopen. To this day, the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farming empire’s original farm has a sign in their front yard detailing the circumstances of Stanton's birth, as well as Stanton's claim to fame as a player for the Crabs Jazz Hands Crabs Jazz Hands. At age 12, Stanton's face spontaneously ignited while playing on the roof of the original Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farmstead. Stanton's sire made an 11 foot vertical leap from the porch to the roof, but was not able to reach his child in time to entirely prevent damage. As such, Stanton's lower face was replaced with Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise-branded paraphernalia.

Mid-life

Stanton went to the Modesto Junior Collegiate to study. Modesto Junior Collegiate claims to have no record of Stanton aside from perfect report cards, indicating an idyllic life during that time. However, further investigation has uncovered one record of a lawsuit in ████, wherein the Modesto Junior Collegiate sued Stanton for property damage. The claim laid forward by the Modesto Junior Collegiate legal team asserted that Stanton had destroyed the Collegiate Library's entire B3 flight of concrete stairs, from floor 11 all the way to basement 12. Stanton, upon falling skull-first down the stairs, was said to have irreparably shattered each stair. The lawsuit was never brought to court, and a settlement fee of $5.00 was paid out to the Modesto Junior Collegiate on behalf of the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise farming empire.

Career

Stanton was a player for the Baltimore Crabs. Upon Stanton's joining of the Crabs, the Happy Mayonnaise Made From Cows And Not From Anyone Or Anything Else We Promise paraphernalia making up Stanton's lower face was spontaneously changed to be Old Bay branded. Stanton is on record saying "I Miss Nora" during the final game of Season 2, which is remarkable as this is the only known instance in which Stanton, through interaction with the environment or through vocalization, has ever made an audible sound. During the offseason of Season 3, the Crabs won the Headhunter blessing and traded Stanton for Nagomi Mcdaniel of the Breckenridge Jazz Hands for Season 4. However, at the end of Season 5, the Jazz Hands won the Seduction blessing and traded Mcdaniel for Stanton leading into Season 6. In a comedic twist, the end of Season 6 saw the return of Stanton to the Jazz Hands, as the Crabs won the Headhunter blessing and traded Stanton for Mcdaniel once more.

Life in Breckenridge

While part of the Jazz Hands, it is believed Stanton developed a taste for the great outdoors. Though interviews with Stanton often floundered, Stanton was regularly seen hiking during the summer, cross-country skiing in the winter, and occasionally occupying a remote cabin in the mountains. After acquiring the Shrink Ray, new reports arose of Stanton picking up snowboarding with a modified fingerboard. It is believed Stanton appreciates the contrasting lifestyles of Breckenridge and Baltimore, bearing little resentment for the constant travel.

During Stanton's stays in Breckenridge, Stanton's marketing paraphernalia branding changed from Old Bay to PlayBall, the premiere theatre magazine of the Immaterial Plane. Alongside its signature logo, advertisements for local shows were sometimes seen. Recorded shows advertised include:

  • The Phantom of the Pocket
  • SHAME (I'm Gonna Live Forever)
  • Miss Hellmouth
  • Damn Tigers
  • All Those Jazz Hands
  • (We Are From) Chicago
  • Wild Side Story
  • Hadestown
  • Mike Townsend Superstar
  • The Sound Of Feedback
  • Dear Holden Stanton
  • Swingin' Todd
  • The Book Of Peanuts
  • NaN And The Amazing Technicolor Uniform
  • The Commissioner And I
  • BATS
  • Umpire On The Roof
  • Annie Get Your Gunblade
  • The Band's Visit
  • Gravity Boots, starring Steph Weeks
  • The Best Little GrillPit In Texas
  • Porgy and Blase
  • Hello Bally
  • Fun Home Base
  • Sunday In The Park With Lowe
  • Ain't Too Proud (To Beg The Gods)
  • A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Pocket
  • Harrison

While watching over Baby Doyle's playtime during the Season 8 Elections, Stanton was party to Doyle playing the Sheet Music of the Universe. When asked to describe the experience as a non-musician, Stanton was moved to silent tears, but was unable to respond further. Since then, Stanton was conspicuously involved in just-in-time accident prevention, and opened a therapeutic fortune-telling office in Breckenridge serving Jazz Hands fans and teammates. In an interview, teammate Steph Weeks described the experience of a session with Stanton as "somewhat surreal," "oddly silent," and "extremely accurate." In between sessions, Stanton also began practicing playing the World's Smallest Violin, a parting gift from Aldon Cashmoney's violin collection. Fans speculate this is so that Stanton can one day play the Sheet Music of the Universe with Doyle.

In Literature

Crabs Poet Laureate Runolfio Peeper wrote the following farewell to Holden:

Of Holden, there was seldom much to say
Until the Blaseball Gods sent him away
Now Crabs will miss watching our good friend play
He’s left the Crabitat for Jazzy Hands.

His humble origin was Mayonnaise
Misfortune conquered, Blaseball fills his days
He swapped his jaw out for a can of ‘Bays
Before departing for the mountain lands.

And of the trade, objections have been raised
The Great Mcdaniels has been ever praised
But Breckenridge will soon be quite amazed
As love for Holden burgeons in its stands.

Interdimensional Rumor Mill

No other versions of Holden Stanton have been observed. If you have information regarding a different version of Holden Stanton, please add it here.

Cheers

  • "Hold on, Holden!"

Fan Works