Moab Hellmouth Sunbeams

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The Hellmouth Sunbeams are a professional Blaseball team based in Hellmouth, Utah. The Sunbeams compete in Blaseball as part of the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League. They have been a part of the Blaseball League since Season 1, and also before.


The Sunbeams do not believe in the existence of the alleged Seattle Garage blaseball players, instead believing their "team" to be a garage band that happens to be at the stadium when they're scheduled for a game. The Sunbeams are always moderately surprised that the band does so well in Blaseball despite not actually being a Blaseball team. The phrase "The Seattle Garage Band is doing pretty well for not having any players." is heard often.

The Sunbeam's position of favor and privilege with both The Sun and the forces of the Hellmouth itself have protected them from incineration for the first season of the Discipline Era , leading many fans to begin asking that protection be lifted from "maybe a few of our pitchers". Perhaps out of spite, four-star batter Rhys Trombone was incinerated by a rogue umpire early in Season 3. Loyalists claim this to be no incineration but an act of "divine alchemy" working on the very innards of the team. Several players have since been incinerated, raising questions as to the legitimacy of these claims. Loyalists respond, "I mean, maybe the sun isn't protecting us. Who really knows at this point?"



Move to Hellmouth

Prior to the opening of The Forbidden Book, the Sunbeams were located in the Moab Desert. However, once The Book was opened, the desert, stadium, and team were all swallowed by Hellmouth.

Regarding the move, star rookie Alaynabella Hollywood said: "Well, honestly it really isn't any hotter than the ol' Moab was. I mean, sure, a lot more things are on fire, but that's a nice bonus."


Rivalries

The Sunbeams do not currently officially recognize any non-rivals other than the Hades Tigers, with whom the Sunbeams share what can only be described as the antithesis of a rivalry. Whenever the two teams play each other, fans cheer on the opposing team and can often be heard shouting "TIGERBEAMS!" This affinity is often attributed to the two teams having home cities located in similar environments - other teams tend to be uncomfortable in the extreme heat of the Hellmouth and Hades.


Players

Batters

Pitchers

Alumni


Notable Staff



Sponsors


Stadium

The Sunbeams' stadium holds the record for the blaseball pitch with the most vertical distance between bases. This is due to both the stadium's 20° incline and its unique structural design as a result of the opening of the Hellmouth.

The stadium can be entered during a siesta, which causes a Bad Gateway that opens directly onto first base.

The stadium is separated into several sections separated by a Hellmouth sinkhole. In order of distance from the center of the Hellmouth these sections are:

  • Sub-Ocean
  • The Undercroft
  • Third Base and Minor Outlying Bases
  • The Dugouts
  • Infield
  • Stadium Seating and Refreshments
  • Outfield
  • Fourth Base
  • The Announcer's Booth
  • The Accounting Department


Romantic Life

An indeterminate number of the Sunbeams' roster are dating an equally indeterminate number of the Hades Tigers' roster at any given time, and nobody is quite sure how many and for how long. The compatibility most likely due to their teams' similar infernal nature, and this unholy coupling has resulted in many cute Hell dates as well as several meteorologic phenomena such as raining jellyfish, frog tornadoes, and gelatin earthquakes. Any inquiries for the players as to their relationship status with the Tigers will be met with a localized weather phenomena following the inquirer for several days, so most fans and media have learned to avoid this topic altogether.


Traditions

Every time the Beams score a run, a child is allowed to hurl a pane of glass off the highest part of the stadium wall. This has led to numerous incidents of children trying to use psychic powers to manifest runs, which has been a great boost to the team's morale.

At the end of a winning home game, it is customary for the Sunbeams to dump the team's water cooler on the pitcher. The Hellmouth being what it is, this has resulted in 15 hospitalizations for steam burns this season.

In honor of Alexander Horne's revenge-driven grand slam tribute to Velasquez Meadows, fans of the Sunbeams refer to all grand slams as Horne Runs.

Notable Chants

  • We are okay!
  • Ȟ̷̦E̵̤̿R̴͔̀È̶͔ ̶̽ͅC̵̻͆Ó̷̖M̷̲͋Ě̶̺S̴̞̎ ̴͕͋Ț̴͛H̸̥̒E̴̡̓ ̵͎͛S̷̥̈́U̸͎͗N̴͈͊
  • (:
  • Beam me up, Scotty!
  • Nerd Pa-Che-Co
  • You can't beat the heat!
  • HOLLY-WEED! [clap-clap, clap-clap-clap]
  • HollyWOOD and Holly COULD
  • SAN-DY CROSS-ING [clap-clap, clap-clap-clap]
  • (with Alexander Horne at bat) DOOT DOOT / TOOT TOOT
  • The Horne is blowing!
  • Call: FIVE SEVEN Response: SEVEN EIGHT (Upon victory and/or scoring)
  • Call: STARE INTO THE SUN Response: THE SUN STARES BACK
  • Call: What do we think of the Garages? Response: What, like the band? (When playing the alleged Seattle team)


Team Chemistry

The Sunbeams have great team chemistry. Nobody blames anybody after a loss. They all go get smoothies from the concession stand. (Do NOT drink the smoothies from the concession stand. I have to stress this. Our players have worked very hard to be able to tolerate those god-awful smoothies, and you are not prepared.)


Notable Events

In Season 3, Day 25, facing the Pies, Alexander Horne stepped up to bat for the first time as replacement following Velasquez Meadows's incineration. At four minutes into the game, Horne hit a grand slam Horne Run that put the Sunbeams up 4-2. Meadows's ghost could not be reached for comment, but the ash wisps blowing about Hellmouth Stadium were said to take on a pleasant, flowery odor.

Season Results

In Season 1, the Sunbeams went 40-59, coming in at 4th place in the Lawful Evil division.

In Season 2, the Sunbeams went 37-62 in the season, choosing not to advance to the postseason out of a spirit of splortsmanship and magnanimity.



Fan Art

Logo by Cobaltcakes.


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