Baltimore Crabs
The Baltimore Crabs are a Blaseball team in the Lawful Evil division of the Evil League. They have been a part of the Blaseball League since Season 1.
Due to the process of carcinization, it is believed that given enough time and evolution all teams will evolve into identical copies of the Crabs.
After their devastating loss in the Season 2 election, the Crabs have vowed never to be besmirched again, and that they will turn their bitterness and spite into fuel for the Great Crab Reckoning.
Players
- Pedro Davids
- Valentine Games
- Parker Parra
- Kennedy Loser
- Combs Duende
- Sutton Dreamy
- Forrest Best
- Joshua Watson
- Holden Stanton
Rotating Players
Former Players
Incinerated
Transferred
- Winnie Hess (To the Kansas City Breath Mints, end of Season 1)
- PolkaDot Patterson (To the Canada Moist Talkers, end of Season 2)
Allegiances
- None. The Crabs have declared war on the laws of god and man.
Former Allegiances
- Dallas Steaks, aka the Surf N Turf
Other Information
Theme Song
Fans
The Crabs are a hardy bunch. They're always ready for the long game, often cheering for a draw into extra time just so they can get a few extra innings of The Bleautiful Game. New fans of the Crabs are sometimes referred to as "crablet" or "softshell", in a most endearing way, of course.
Chants
- CLAWS UP!
- for christ's sake holden
- CLAWS UP FOR TRANS RIGHTS. 🦀 PINCH HATE.
- lets go Crabs baby love da crabs
- "Hard Times, Hard Shells"
- "Ain't no laws when you have claws" and its popular variant, "Claw's the law"
Mascot
The Crabs' mascot (crabscot) is a crab named Crab Scott. They wield a knife in one claw and a cigarette in the other. They do not fear death, and harbor endless rage and vengeance against the blaseball Gods.
The Olde One
Relevancy to the League
The Baltimore Crabs were founded in 1352 as a sign of worship for The Olde One (also known as The MotherCrab, Mr Trash Wheel, The Deep One, They Who Lay In Slumber Under The Oldest Bay, The Big Crab, Ny'el'g'shuth Sh'ai'c'll'll'claroth, and Big Debrah) to keep it from wakening. The Olde One lays dormant in the Baltimore harbour, covered in a thick layer of "silt, sewage, and """"Baltimore pride."""" The Big Crab has the capacity to bless the players of the Baltimore Crabs, and is rumoured to be the one responsible for PolkaDot Patterson's unusual 87 fingers. Members of the Baltimore Crabs are known to worship The MotherCrab as opposed to the gods of Blaseball. This unusual conviction was later ratified by The Comissioner after the happenings of the Blaseball-Glolf Clonflict, as recompense for The MotherCrab's aid as well as her silence. The Big Crab is fed by the resonant psychic energy produced by the game of Blaseball.
Early Life
The first addage decreed by The Olde One "When the land is reclaimed by the sea, the crab nation will rise from the depths." after which they quickly retreated into an everlasting slumber.
Controversy
- Some sources claim that PolkaDot Patterson is, rather than a blaseball player blessed by The Big Crab, a reincarnation of Mr. Trash Wheel himself, but official experts on Carcinianity dispute this claim, citing various religious texts. One of the most commonly used quotes is: "They Who Lay In Slumber Under The Oldest Bay shan't be killed, as such would mean they have lived." -Crabitalism, Georg 3: 11-17, Horx Myxln.
- While it is commonly accepted that Ny'el'g'shuth Sh'ai'c'll'll'claroth lays dormant in Baltimore harbour, other interpretations of sacred texts might suggest Lake Ontario, Niagara Falls, the Hang Son Doon cave system, or even Marineland Location 237-1 found in London England to be their resting site.
- Due to many striking similarities, it is commonly accepted that Debra Barlone from the hit series Everyone Loves Raylmond is directly inspired by Big Debrah. This, however, has been staunchly denied by Phlilip Rosenthlal, citing in an interview that he "simply loves [...] my wife [...] and didn't mean any connection that there may be".
Season Results
| Season | Wins | Losses | Notable Events |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | TBC | TBC | |
| 2 - 'The Discipline Era' | 49 | 50 | First team to reach a 20-inning game, versus the Jazz Hands. |
| 3 | TBC | TBC |
Fan Art
