Lachlan Shelton

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Lachlan Shelton is a batter for the Canada Moist Talkers.

Official League Records

Shelton originally joined the ILB as a batter for the Canada Moist Talkers on Season 3, Day 19, replacing Kennedy Alstott due to incineration.

Shelton began playing for the Shoe Thieves on Season 6, Day 23 after replacing Antonio Wallace in a Feedback event.

On Season 7, Day 29, some of Shelton's baserunning ability was siphoned by Basilio Fig.

Shelton returned to the Moist Talkers on Season 8, Day 44, in a Feedback event with Eugenia Garbage.



The remainder of this article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community.

Shelton has quickly become a fan favourite, between a game-winning home run in the 21st game of the season and his "refreshing" (according to an unspecified Talkers fancast) relatability when contrasted to the majority of the Talkers lineup.

Shelton joined the splort after his favourite donair restaurant was shut down in the wake of the flooding that overtook most of the country, citing a need for distraction after the loss. Reportedly, Shelton can be seen before home games on a dinghy over its previous location, rubbing a greasy plastic basket smelling strongly of garlic for good luck.

Career With the Shoe Thieves

Shelton has a tense relationship with Shoe Thieves hitter Velazquez Alstott, reportedly feeling intense guilt due to being her mother Kennedy Alstott's replacement following her incineration in Season 3. Shelton goes to great lengths to avoid Alstott, despite directly following her in the Shoe Thieves batting order. Shelton also clashed with teammate Esme Ramsey not long after the trade over his willingness to participate in the team's tradition of footwear larceny.[1]

Despite overtures from former Moist Talkers teammate and current Shoe Thief Joe Voorhees and former Shoe Thief and current Moist Talker Workman Gloom, Shelton was largely isolated from the rest of the Charleston Shoe Thieves at first, preferring to spend his free time exploring the ruins of Sunken Charleston or visiting his former teammates in Halifax.

Shelton became controversial with Charleston fans after an infamous interview in which he expressed disinterest in the concept of shoe theft, saying "I have no moral issue with it, I just feel like I've got all the shoes I need already." This attitude shocked fans of the team, although not all viewed it negatively. As long time Shoe Thieves fan and Charleston City Treasurer Margaret Spindle wrote in a Charleston Glazette editorial: "I think here in Charleston we can find room in our hearts to accept those who steal all kinds of things, like small rocks, spiders, or even something as inconsequential as $1.3 million in public funds."

After the dust had settled in Season 6, Shelton reached out to Cornelius Games about fitting in more with the team. Games informed him that he had been trying to initiate Shelton since he joined by stealing his shoes and leaving behind challenges to steal them back, but Shelton simply purchased more shoes. Dejected, Shelton left Choux Stadium to join his teammates in Party Time. Later, Games realized that Shelton had taken Games's shoes with him, and declared his rite of passage complete. To date, Shelton claims this was an accident.

Shelton has since spent the off-season bonding with his fellow Shoe Thieves, and regularly comments on their peculiarity. In one instance, Shelton says he "didn't realize Vorhees actually used to kill people," and continued on to say, "I thought it was a bit." Shelton can often be found trying to calm Sebastian Woodman, who he says is the spirit of Sebastian Townsend in a wooden effigy. Shelton has not yet found a way to broach the subject with his team.

In Game 5 of a series against the Seattle Garages in the Season 7 playoffs, Shelton stole home to bring the game within one run of a tie in the eighth inning. While the Thieves ultimately lost the game 7-5, Shelton was celebrated by fans and teammates for the play, with Esme Ramsey even acknowledging it as "technically a form of stealing."

Return to the Moist Talkers

After being swapped back to the moist talkers Shelton was overjoyed to be reunited with his former teammates. At Mooney Doctor’s suggestion the team went out for a celebratory donair in Shelton’s honour. When asked about his return Shelton was quoted saying, "The Thieves were great but I never really got a handle on the whole stealing part. Honestly I’m just glad that a portion of my budget is no longer tied up in replacing cleats."

Shelton has been described as both the least outrageous talker as well as the most reliable. In addition to their duties as a player, Shelton has also taken over coordinating the Talker’s meal plans. Their vast knowledge of culinary techniques and nutrition has been indispensable in this regard, and it is noted that Gleek Arena’s menu changes every season, with Shelton incorporating various local and exotic recipes into the Arena’s cuisine. These recipes are often gathered during Shelton's regular forays into Sunken Halifax’s local eateries. In an interview with the Halifax Gazette, teammate McBlase Esq. was quoted as saying “Lachlan can find you a different amazing place to eat for every day of the week and he tips well enough that the service is always top notch”.

The restaurants that Shelton finds particularly innovative often appear on their highly sought after food blog “The Talker’s Takeout” something they started after their return from the Charleston Shoe Thieves. Shelton attributes their love of cooking to their Father, who was the proprietor of the “Haligonian HotHouse” a combination Pizzeria and Donair shop which closed after the ██████████ flooding incident.

Shelton retains a jovial relationship with their teammates, with many coming to them with advice regarding personal issues. In particular Shelton has formed a unique connection with their teammate Commissioner Vapor, wherein Vapor will attempt to cook various dishes using a combination of suspicious ingredients for their Twitch channel only to ask Shelton to taste test them. Shelton has yet to participate despite Vapor claiming the food was “extremely poggers”.


  • Shelton’s walk out song is "Farewell to Nova Scotia" by The Irish Rovers.



  1. See Tweet