Difference between revisions of "Seattle Garages"

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===Incinerated===

Revision as of 20:44, 3 August 2020

This page is about the Blaseball team; for the band comprised of members of the Blaseball team, see The Garages.

The Seattle Garages are a Blaseball team in the Chaotic Evil division of the Evil League. They have been a part of Internet League Blaseball since Season 1[1]. They are, in terms of pure star ratings, the worst team in the league, but are generally middling in terms of actual results. The Garages play in the Hotdogfingers Memorial Climate Pledge Garage and Parking Facility, also known as the Big Garage, which is located inside an aircraft hangar, a garage for planes.

The Garages are also a musical supergroup known by several names and comprised of members of the best bands in the Seattle blunge scene. Before each home game, they perform their self-penned team song "Smells Like Team Spirit" in lieu of "The Star-Spangled Banner", which according to team captain and frontman Theodore Duende "doesn't even slap". Pitcher Mike Townsend was kicked out of the group after what the other band members deemed "poor performance in both sense of the word", but remians on the Garages' roster due to legal complications.

The Garages play exclusively against teams that happen to be in the same city as their Eternal Tour, which happens to line up perfectly with their League-mandated game schedule.

The bats used by the Garages are modified to have the appearance of electric guitars, though whether they can actually play any music other than harsh noise is debated by some Blaseball fans.

They are also an anarcho-syndicalist collective.

History

In Season 1, the Garages finished fifth in the Chaotic Evil division. Following the opening of The Forbidden Book, star pitcher Jaylen Hotdogfingers was the first player in the league to ever be incinerated.

Despite competing for a playoff spot for most of Season 2, the Garages finished with a 46-53 record, good for a tie for third place in their division. On Day 77, The Garage Opening occurred. The event has prompted some fans to use the phrase "the Garage Door is open to all fans", referencing both the event itself and "the liminal space between the excitement and disappointment that comes from being a fan of a Seattle splorts team".[citation needed]

The Garages kicked off Season 3 with a 13-7 road victory against their heated rivals the Hellmouth Sunbeams. Despite the Sunbeams benefiting from a fourth strike, Mike Townsend earned the victory, much to the shock and amusement of fans. Captain Theodore Duende want 4-for-5, while Allison Abbott and Avila Guzman each contributed home runs.

Mascots

After failing to agree on a single mascot for the whole team due to alleged hotheadedness, the Garages have come to a "temporary" solution where each player has their own mascot who roots for them.

Mike Townsend's mascot is often ganged up on by the other 13 mascots, and has had to hire its own security detail.

List of player mascots

  • Leif - The mascot of Mike Townsend which is a loaf of bread with googly eyes. He was not intended to be one of the Garages' mascots but the concept was repurposed from Townsend's Seattle Bread pitch which was struck down.
  • Annie Amp - a Vox AC30 amplifier with googly eyes. Avila Guzman's mascot.
  • Sheamus the Box of Small Press Comics - a short box of limited run small press comics with googly eyes. Allison Abbott's mascot.
  • Rolly Rower - an old rowing machine covered in dust, with googly eyes. Luis Acevedo's mascot.
  • Terry Tires - a tire with googly eyes. Oliver Mueller's mascot.
  • Wally Workbench - a workbench with googly eyes. Shaquille Torres' mascot.
  • Arthur - an artificial Christmas tree with googly eyes. Bennett Browning's mascot.
  • Fanny Flannel - a flannel jacket with googly eyes. Arturo Huerta's mascot.
  • Freezy - a second freezer with googly eyes. Malik Destiny's mascott.
  • Spencer the Semi-Sentient Superchunk Poster - a Superchunk tour poster with googly eyes (but not where you think)
  • Unnamed Ancient Sarcophagus - an ancient sarcophagus with googly eyes. Tot Clark's mascot.
  • Henry Hubcap - a hubcap with googly eyes.
  • Carrie T - a non-functioning CRT TV with googly eyes.
  • A.C. - an air conditioner with googly eyes.
  • Drew the Drawer - a drawer full of skateboard parts with googly eyes. The drawer has googly eyes, not the parts.

Fans

The Garages have a die-hard fanbase known as the Band. Many fans are known to camp out in the stands for weeks or even months on end, enjoying games and concerts 24/7. An anonymous superfan who claimed to have lived in seat D20 for the last 93 years was quoted as saying, "They may not win the most games, but they definitely rock the most".

Chants

  • "PARK IT!"
  • "LET'S ROCK!"
  • "MONSTERA MASH!"
  • "DUENDE!" (excitedly)
  • "DERRICK!" (exasperatedly)
  • "TOWNSEND!" (more exasperatedly)
  • "Please, Blaseball Gods, give us a good pitcher!" (repeated until the words no longer have meaning)
  • "PLUG THE BANDS!" (followed by everyone shouting out names of local independent bands)
  • "THUMBS UP!"

Creative output

Music

The group's early output was animal-themed. A representative song of this era is "About a Squirrel", which is about a squirrel.[2]

Following Jaylen Hotdogfingers' incineration, the Garages recorded "Heart-Shaped Hotdog".[3]

The group recorded "Black Hole Sunbeam" to commemorate the absolute thrashing the Garages gave the Hellmouth Sunbeams on Season 2 Day 54.

Zine

THE SUN IS OUR ENEMY is the official zine of the Garages, edited by Allison Abbott and featuring contributions by various members of the organization.

Controversies

Following the opening of The Forbidden Book at the end of Season 1, some[Who?] began speculating that the entire Garages team does not actually exist. Proponents of this theory claim that the Garages players and their fanbase are "delusional, hallucinating, enthralled by the restless spirits of Seattle, or perpetuating a hoax designed to attack the heart of the game of Blaseball itself". The most prominent supporters of this conspiracy have been the Hellmouth Sunbeams.

Some fans and players speculate that Jaylen Hotdogfingers was actually murdered by the Sun rather than incinerated by a rogue Umpire, or that she is not actually dead.

Players

Batters

Pitchers

Incinerated

Season Results

Season Record Win % Place in LC Division Season Notes
1 43-54[4] .434 5th The Forbidden Book was opened after this season, resulting in the incineration of Jaylen Hotdogfingers
2 46-53 .464 4th

Fan Art

The official bat of the Seattle Garages.
Cover art for "About a Squirrel".
Logo by Cobaltcakes.

  1. ↑ Facts/Lore Disambiguation Guide
  2. ↑ About A Squirrel - Song by @ariskofrain and mucusqueen
  3. ↑ Heart Shaped Hotdog - A song by june september
  4. ↑ Season 1 is missing the results of Day 98 and 99's games. Blaseball has been lost.
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