Henry Marshallow/Rumor Registry

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Henry Marshallow has 4 Rumors written about so far.

Henry Marshallow/IF-15.124

Personal Life

Henry Marshallow is a Pitcher for the Philly Pies and a former backup dancer for the Seattle Garages cover band, the Sleattle Glarages. He is a very, very buff marshmallow man. He plays shirtless and his number (94) is prominently tattooed on his back. In the customary Garages fashion he ties his jersey around his waist. Marshallow's trousers have dragons on them which most people agree is rad.

Many people mistake his last name for "Marshmallow," but they are incorrect. Marshallow pronounces his last name as "mar-shal-low," enunciating every syllable. Everyone else pronounces his name either as "marsh-allow" or "marshmallow". Marshallow has tried to correct them. This has been to no avail.

He is quiet and thoughtful, described as a sweetheart by people who know him. Before blaseball he unsuccessfully tried to run a food truck dealing in artisanal s'mores. During the off-season, Marshmallow volunteers at a museum of Historic Soap close to the Garages' stadium.

Since joining the Philly Pies, Henry Marshallow has developed a friendship with Beasley Day. Some claim Beasley only follows him because he enjoys his taste, yet this has been denied. He has also become a taste-tester and gastronomical designer for Tastykake.

Marshallow’s transfer to Philly did create a problem however, as pitcher Ruslan Greatness already had the number 94 and making new jerseys in his size was outside of the teams budget. The two decided to resolve the dispute by an arm-wrestling match which Greatness won. Instead of getting his tattoo removed , Marshallow just has a teammate write a third number to supplement the 94. The team has not come to a consensus on what number this should be however, and Marshallow has been known to play as 194, 294, 943 etc. Fans have even noticed he plays as .94 when Jode Preston is called to write. This has led to an explosion of merch sales, with fans buying 20 jerseys and putting on the correct one once Marshallow gets on the mound.

Kaiju Phase

During the Season 11 Enhanced Party Time, Marshallow stumbled into the Piebrary beneath Tastykake Stadium and accidentally knocked over a shelf of occult pie recipes. This caused Marshallow to be possessed by just an absolute smorgasbord of evil spirits and he transformed into the hundred-stories-tall legendary monster Glozer'Arritkatlu Marada'Dukay (roughly translated "The Stayed Buft Marshallow Man"). The giant Marshallow proceeded to rampage around Tastykake Stadium and the surrounding neighborhood.

In order to minimize the damage, Philadelphia transformed into its shadow persona Philadeltrix: the Marquis of Pain and wrestled Marshallow into submission. The remaining pies soothed the monster by having Beasley Day use his most adorable puppy eyes and by having Ruslan Greatness compliment Marshallow's muscle definition. This gave enough time for Lang Richardson to run to his apartment and grab his homemade ghost hunting kit, which the team used to successfully exorcise the spirits from Marshallow.

After the spirits left him, Marshallow returned to his original size. However, the residual spiritual energy in his body greatly improved the quality of his pitching. After some prodding and withering looks, Marshallow agreed to put half of his weekly paychecks to repairing the damage his rampage caused.

Henry Marshallow/IF-15.425

Personal Life

Henry “Hank” Marshallow the world’s greatest pitcher and former member of the Seattle Garages, is notably anti-union and has voiced his hatred over the unionizing of his backing band, the Mini Marshmallows. This is in stark contrast to the notably pro-union Garages, who have even unionized their mascots.

Marshallow is famously an established baritone, an aspiring tenor, and most notably an incredible athlete, an aspect that has been well-documented to have begun early in his life. Marshallow’s marshmallow condition, in which he is a marshmallow, often resulted in him being the target of bullying. Recounting his time in the minor leagues, Marshallow discussed an interaction with a heckling fan who shouted, “HEY MARSHMALLOW MAN! WE’RE GONNA ROAST YOU! WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU INTO A S’MORE!” Not discouraged in the least, Marshmallow replied, “YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE I DARE YOU. IF YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME A S’MORE AND EAT ME, YOUR BODY WOULD NEED TO BE, LIKE, 20% INSULIN! SO YOU CAN TRY AND MAKE ME A S’MORE BUT I’M GONNA LIKE WRECK YOUR PANCREAS IF YOU DO!” Everyone in the stands stood up and clapped.

There was good news following Marshallow’s recounted story, as he decided to apologize for his previous comments and would make a large donation to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. He then gave a shout out to everyone with Type 1 Diabetes, including Nick Jonas, Ethan Geller[Who?], Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who he described as “all champions”.

Henry Marshallow is also noted for discussing the importance of the impact film can have on culture. In the movie Ghostbusters, the famous Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was defeated by the protagonists in a climactic battle in New York City, home of the Millennials. Marshallow claimed that if he were in Ghostbusters instead of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he would have won. Bill Murray, the actor who played Peter Venkman, would have been impressed by his performance and said, “Ah man we were gonna ghostbust you but you’re like really chill! Do you want to make more movies with me?” This would have lead to Marshallow becoming a movie star, and possibly even president.

Henry “Hank” Marshallow would have been the 41st president of the United States, denying Ronald Reagan a second term. The benefits of this would have been immeasurable, including the fact that the Iran-Contra affair would not have occurred, he would have defunded the CIA, and the entire geopolitical landscape would be different.

Training Montage

After the Philly Pies tanked hard in Season β11, Marshallow vowed to grow stronger and lead the team to victory. Between Season 11 and 12 he embarked on a decade-long training montage. While listening to recordings of his own beat-boxed spoken word poetry, Marshallow did a non-stop exercise routine consisting of:

  • Punching giant slabs of stale Lucky Charms marshmallows hanging from hooks.
  • Chasing tourists up and down the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
  • Whipping up egg whites into a meringue and adding it into his biceps to increase his marshmallow-y fluffiness.
  • Shadow-boxing the William Penn statue while declaring "I'm the best!" repeatedly.
Marshallow only stopped his training when he punched one of the marshmallow slabs and it shattered into dust. This training paid off and during Season β12 Marshallow had one of the best pitching records in the league. When asked to comment on his newfound prowess Marshallow stated "My muscles are very, very sore," and "I think I'm sweating lactic acid."

Henry Marshallow/IF-32.23

Personal Life

Henry Marshallow is a sentient marshmallow, standing at 2" tall. No one is quite sure how he manages to pitch the ball, only that one moment there is not a ball, and suddenly there is one hurtling towards the batter. Communicating with Marshallow requires his publicist to be nearby to translate, as it is difficult to discern what he is saying through all the uwus. Rumors suggest he got his tattoo of a heart on his body by killing a man, but any time reporters attempt to ask, they are overwhelmed by his cuteness and are unable to inquire further.

Henry Marshallow/IF-92.952

Personal Life

Henry "Hank" Marshallow was a botany student at Washington State University who (per reports from classmates) went mysteriously missing during a routine trip to collect samples from Yesler Swamp. Visitors to the swamp in concurrent years sometimes reported seeing or hearing what appeared to be a distressed, drowning figure in the swamp, which was always gone by the time anyone reached it to assist.

A digital drawing of Hank Marshallow - a short, gray-skinned zombie with fluffy red hair. They are waving, and dressed in clothes in extremely bright shades of pink and green.
A photo of Hank.

The "bog body" was not formally identified as Hank Marshallow until it emerged from Yesler Swamp sometime during the great return of Internet Blaseball and began attending Seattle Garages games with some frequency. Despite self-admittedly having no prior experience playing Blaseball, Marshallow told reporters on Season 3, Day 80 that they felt called to approach the field in Derrick Krueger's absence since "the game was already going so badly, pretty much anybody could finish it, you know?" The Garages welcomed Marshallow, who continued to be a part of the pitching rotation until its feedback to the Philly Pies in Season 9.

On The Pies

In an interview given to Splorts Illustrated over the Grand Siesta, Marshallow is quoted as "adjusting to Philly pretty well, I think? There's a lot of swampland in the Appalachians I'm excited to see, and I've been going caving a bunch. Plus the Pies have way better food than the Garages, everything in the Garage kitchen sucked after Mike left."

Marshallow is a self-described scene kid, and can often be spotted at concert venues or raves around Philadelphia while not pitching or at practice. It holds the current ESBN title of "Tackiest Dresser Off The Field", and seems to do so proudly.

The Expansion Era

Marshallow maintained an impressive ERA throughout the first few seasons of the Expansion Era, though was notably Faxed into the Shadows in the back half due to Consumer attack complications. Though some fans hold Crabs pitcher Axel Campbell responsible for stealing Marshallow's item and preventing any form of defense against the attacks, Marshallow has been open to reporters about any lack of rivalry between itself and Campbell, stating that it's "water under the Bay Bridge at this point".

Marshallow has also been publicly open about enjoying their time off from pitching while in the shadows, and has recently been seen playing goalie for the Phantom Fillings, a local hockey rec league. It can also be found skating for local roller derby team the Carrot Cakes, under the pseudonym Monster Marsh.

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