Henry Marshallow/IF-15.425

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This article contains lore created collaboratively by the Blaseball community. It is just one of many Rumors that we've found in the Interdimensional Rumor Mill. You can find more Rumors about Henry Marshallow at their Rumor Registry.

Personal Life

Henry “Hank” Marshallow the world’s greatest pitcher and former member of the Seattle Garages, is notably anti-union and has voiced his hatred over the unionizing of his backing band, the Mini Marshmallows. This is in stark contrast to the notably pro-union Garages, who have even unionized their mascots.

Marshallow is famously an established baritone, an aspiring tenor, and most notably an incredible athlete, an aspect that has been well-documented to have begun early in his life. Marshallow’s marshmallow condition, in which he is a marshmallow, often resulted in him being the target of bullying. Recounting his time in the minor leagues, Marshallow discussed an interaction with a heckling fan who shouted, “HEY MARSHMALLOW MAN! WE’RE GONNA ROAST YOU! WE’RE GONNA MAKE YOU INTO A S’MORE!” Not discouraged in the least, Marshmallow replied, “YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE I DARE YOU. IF YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME A S’MORE AND EAT ME, YOUR BODY WOULD NEED TO BE, LIKE, 20% INSULIN! SO YOU CAN TRY AND MAKE ME A S’MORE BUT I’M GONNA LIKE WRECK YOUR PANCREAS IF YOU DO!” Everyone in the stands stood up and clapped.

There was good news following Marshallow’s recounted story, as he decided to apologize for his previous comments and would make a large donation to the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation. He then gave a shout out to everyone with Type 1 Diabetes, including Nick Jonas, Ethan Geller[Who?], Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who he described as “all champions”.

Henry Marshallow is also noted for discussing the importance of the impact film can have on culture. In the movie Ghostbusters, the famous Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was defeated by the protagonists in a climactic battle in New York City, home of the Millennials. Marshallow claimed that if he were in Ghostbusters instead of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, he would have won. Bill Murray, the actor who played Peter Venkman, would have been impressed by his performance and said, “Ah man we were gonna ghostbust you but you’re like really chill! Do you want to make more movies with me?” This would have lead to Marshallow becoming a movie star, and possibly even president.

Henry “Hank” Marshallow would have been the 41st president of the United States, denying Ronald Reagan a second term. The benefits of this would have been immeasurable, including the fact that the Iran-Contra affair would not have occurred, he would have defunded the CIA, and the entire geopolitical landscape would be different.

Training Montage

After the Philly Pies tanked hard in Season β11, Marshallow vowed to grow stronger and lead the team to victory. Between Season 11 and 12 he embarked on a decade-long training montage. While listening to recordings of his own beat-boxed spoken word poetry, Marshallow did a non-stop exercise routine consisting of:

  • Punching giant slabs of stale Lucky Charms marshmallows hanging from hooks.
  • Chasing tourists up and down the steps of the Philadelphia Museum of Art.
  • Whipping up egg whites into a meringue and adding it into his biceps to increase his marshmallow-y fluffiness.
  • Shadow-boxing the William Penn statue while declaring "I'm the best!" repeatedly.

Marshallow only stopped his training when he punched one of the marshmallow slabs and it shattered into dust. This training paid off and during Season β12 Marshallow had one of the best pitching records in the league. When asked to comment on his newfound prowess Marshallow stated "My muscles are very, very sore," and "I think I'm sweating lactic acid."

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